Bring on May

I'm trying to pull things together. It's not easy, but I'm trying my damned best to stop being so hard on myself. It's time to reclaim my life and put myself back together. I've been watching Felicity, and dreaming about New York. Bash, her eyes filling with some sort of spark, tells me she's looking at apartments there. She got her first offer the other day. Somehow, it seems, her state of mind might be salvaged. She had a stressful year, down, in part, to the fact that she hated Boston, along with an accident that left her mother paralysed in January. But she's getting through. 

I weighed 155 this morning. An improvement. Yesterday I had about a pint of blood sucked out of me at the hospital, so in a week I'll find out if there's anything wrong with my thyroid. I'm half-hoping there is, and half-hoping there isn't. Another disorder would probably drain me completely, however I would be able to rest assured that there was some other explanation for my weight gain, depression and fatigue besides... well, my own head.

For now, I'm putting myself on a high-protein, low-carb diet. I don't want to eliminate carbs altogether, but 'white' carbs can definitely go, I'll be sticking to whole grains for the time being. And I'm going to start working out again, 15-20 minutes every day, because I've fallen out of my cardio workouts and conditioning and it feels terrible. I guess, in a nutshell, I'm going to start treating my body and my mind better than I have been doing. Eventually I want to cut out smoking altogether, but for now I might just limit it to social smoking, then when I feel ready I'll start on the nicotine patches/gum and find some other habit to satisfy my oral fixation (do they sell sugar free lollipops?) - either way, I'm getting healthy. May is going to be a month of health. And I'd like to say happiness, but that might be a bit far-fetched. I am working on my self-annihilation, though, because it doesn't help things at all. I realise through my recent blog posts I've been sounding more and more depressive. And while that's often my default, I should work harder to move away from the negative mindset. It does me no favours.

I've decided to take before and after photos this month, because I think it's time for me to stare my weight gain in its big ugly face, and get some motivation to do something about it. Hopefully these will be improved, after 4 weeks of working out, eating clean, and thinking more positively.

I know. My legs are so chunky, my stomach and hips are bloated, and my thigh gap is basically non-existent these days when I'm not in heels. My aim is to lose 10-15 lbs, and tone up by the 1st June. A big motivation is that I'll be flying back to LA - this time for 3 weeks - at the end of June, and straight after that I'm going to Portugal with my mum. So the real deal starts from the second I wake up tomorrow, no excuses this time.