Tears and Triumph

I had hoped that my '1200 calories a day' plan was going to take off, but as usual, being the failure compulsive-eater that I am, I started eating late at night again, and the whole scale tipped off balance. Wednesday night I had the worst waitressing shift of my life... I was alone, catering for a room of 27 'royal guests' by myself, and they were all unbelievably rude to me. Not only that, but I had to carry a ton of heavy crates up and down this big industrial lift, and completely did my back in. When I came home I just cried and cried and stuffed my face, before cancelling the rest of my shifts for this month.

Yesterday I cried all day long, and I'm not even kidding when I say I must have re-applied my makeup around 20 times. I cried the minute I woke up, when I saw Tina for breakfast, when I came back home from seeing Tina; I cried in the car for an hour while waiting for my mum, cried when she came back, cried when I slammed my fingers in a kitchen drawer, and proceeded to cry on and off all evening until there were no tears left to cry.

However, yesterday - despite its awfulness - was the first day in weeks where I didn't binge, or even eat past 8pm at night. I was sitting there in my room with my book, having just had my soup for dinner, waiting for it to happen. And I actually got up and went down to the kitchen at around 10, but stalled myself by making a hot drink, and drinking it outside until the binge urge went away. I haven't been able to control my actions like that in a long time, so I felt proud. And the upside was that I ended up going to bed earlier (midnight, which is freakishly early for me) because I didn't have to wait up to digest any food I'd consumed at 1am, and nor did I have much reason to stay up any longer.

This morning, I'm back down to 155 (I was up to 157 on Wednesday - yuck), and I'm following my mother's advice of eating 3 meals a day with no snacks in between (or more importantly, no snacks after). I have woken up with what I believe from experience is the beginnings of a sinus cold, so I'm calling it a day with the smoking - although this is going to make the 'no snacking' thing fairly difficult, as a cigarette is the next best thing.

I've had a healthy breakfast - fat-free vanilla yogurt with dried fruit and oats, and a Savse raw smoothie with strawberry, orange, celery, kale and spinach (yum). At around 2.30 I'm going to Tina's house for a Buffy marathon. Woop. I'm planning on buying a huge pack of fresh salad and a fat-free dressing, and just munching on that over the course of the afternoon. There will also be coffee, and probably a large amount of diet coke, which is fine. Then this evening I'll either have another lentil soup with grated parmesan, or baked beans, or this low-cal frozen burrito I have at home. And then that will be it. I proved to myself yesterday I didn't need to binge, even when I was feeling upset and lonely all day long. So this evening, I definitely don't need to.  

Love, peace and Buffy
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