So I've been back at uni for four days now - term officially started today, and it felt like the longest goddamn day I've had in months. It completely wrecked me, if I'm honest. I felt like I was running on about ten quarts of adrenaline all day long - I don't know what it was, but I felt constantly anxious, and really jittery as if something bad was coming. I saw Tommy, which I thought would be weird, but it wasn't. It felt like New Years never really happened... which is probably a good thing. So that should have calmed me down but I wasn't really worried about that in the first place. It didn't help that the first lecture room we were in was so cold that the whole class couldn't stop shivering. I didn't stop shivering even when the class ended and we went into the warm common room area. (I go to university in the north, so it's normally around 5/10 degrees colder than London - oh joy). Even through lunch when everyone was chatting and relaxing and getting coffee, I felt flinchy and nervous. Like I couldn't even eat half a sandwich without feeling on edge again (too on edge to eat... am I onto something?) and the copious amounts of coffee/ritalin I swallowed over the course of my 9-til-5 didn't help me feel any better. Sure, I could concentrate, but my teeth were chattering. And I don't know if it was from the cold or the fact that I'd turned into a nervous wreck.
The minute I got back to the flat, I broke down on my flatmate's shoulder and sobbed for about an hour. Then I proceeded to stuff my face. Oh, by the way, I think things are going to be okay between me and Freddie (the flatmate I fell in love with last year who lives opposite me). We seem to be getting along very smoothly as friends and while I know there will always be some affection there, it doesn't seem to be making things difficult for me any more. I'm reminding myself of reasons why we're better off as friends, and they all make sense. I think last term I was just in a very vulnerable, emotional state and I clung onto anything that made me feel momentarily better. Now that I feel I have my priorities in line after the Christmas break, it doesn't make sense to feel so hysterical over someone who probably isn't at all right for me. Not to mention I can hardly fit a relationship into my schedule this term (which sounds like something a business woman would say but it's true). My priorities are work, losing weight and getting healthy again (emotionally and physically). Slowly trying to patch myself together again, and I feel I might be able to do it this time.
I've given up booze which seems to be saving me a LOT of money. Two weeks down :) I cut down on cigarettes too, but I'd like to cut down even more when I can handle it. The thing I need to focus on now is eating real meals. They don't need to be big, but they need to be sufficient enough to fuel me through the evening, stave off binges and randomly picking at food from the minute I get home. I have my breakfast sorted - cereal with soy milk seems to fill me up and isn't too heavy for workshops and things. Lunch is a bit of a question mark at the moment. Because I'm now spending 5 lunch times a week in my department (we occupy our own section of campus), I need to be able to decide on a budget lunch to eat regularly every day. A sandwich and cappuccino lunch costs £6.30 in my department. Which is ridiculous and factoring in cigarettes, bus fares, book allowance and other food needs, I'll be out of money by February. I think I'll go for black coffee (cheaper and lower cal) from now on and bring my own sandwiches. Dinner time, I'm thinking of buying a ton of quorn readymeals/ingredients to make vegetarian curry and just eating that all week. Then maybe on the weekends I can allow myself a treat like going into town for Starbucks. My flatmate (the one whose shoulder I broke down on and who worries about my health) told me I should buy some frozen pizzas. I guess the big vegetarian ones can be cooked and then half can be put in the fridge for the next day... but still, I don't really want to eat pizza :/ It feels weird eating pizza and expecting to lose weight (even though it really is a case of calories in versus calories out).
As far as my scales tell me, I haven't budged from 152.8. Which isn't great. I remember I got down to 140 lbs last term and I want that feeling back. I think my aim is to lose 10 lbs and get down to 143 by the end of January. If I give up snacking and stick to my meal plans it shouldn't be impossible. I also have a weird feeling I'll be burning a lot of calories working this term. You'd be surprised just how exhausting a full day of lectures and seminars can be :(
Acting workshops tomorrow. Eurgh. I wish I looked forward to them more, but I just find them fucking terrifying.
Off to read a pretentious book on theatre and then to bed with a hot water bottle :P Will update later this week if I get a chance x
Wanna swap countries? It got to 46°c here yesterday.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on giving up booze, and for cutting back on ciggies! God knows it isn't easy. Good idea to go at it slow and only cut back more when you know you can handle it.
Good luck with your meal plan and your goal for January. I like having things cooked and in the freezer for easy dinners, whether it's soup or casseroles or even things like mashed potato. Frozen pizzas aren't bad standbys, especially if you can find one without cheese and add low-fat mozzarella yourself.
Hope you have a good week xx