Weight loss has slowed, for now. I'm aware that this happens: the water weight goes, and then everything stabilises for a bit, and it's frustrating as hell. But I'm sick of the 70s. 4 more kilos, and I'm back in my safe zone. Whatever "safe" means.

Currently drinking a bottle of wine, and eating non-fat Swiss cheese, and hoping that at some point tonight I'll pass out. All I ate in the day was a cup of mango yogurt, 1 tangerine, 1/2 a cup of cereal, 2/3 of a soy latte, and 2 black coffees with Splenda. Then I got home at 9, and ate a plate of macaroni cheese, because I was starving, and part of me doesn't regret it because it was delicious and I finally got the warmth back into my fingers. But now I'm drinking this shitty Spanish wine I wasted money on and eating more cheese (low-fat, but not low enough). I hate drinking alone, and I know I shouldn't do it, but I felt so wired up until I started. I just needed something to take the edge off.

I have a fear that I will never change. That I'll always stay in this state of dependence (on my vices and other people), and slip into some kind of permanent slump I'll never be able to remove myself from. I want to change my appearance and personality dramatically, although I don't know how. I know that it starts with my mindset though, and trying to stop this self-pity crap. No one will have time for me in the future. I can't stay screwed up forever.

Technically speaking, I only ate around 1300 calories today, and that's not enough to cause weight gain. Emotionally, I can't shake the feeling that I've undone all my hard work in the space of one night. This is how I get at 2 a.m. I start believing things that aren't true, or logical. I wonder where my logic went.

Within the time frame that I have, it is logical to assume that I will be able to drop these last 5 kilos by the end of the Christmas holiday (January 5). But as far as I'm aware, bottles of wine and several slices of Swiss cheese past midnight has never been that conducive to weight loss, so I should probably stop. The question is, as it always has been - will 68 kilos be enough?

Probably not, but we'll address that at a later date.