I've felt pretty depressed over the past week, I'm not going to lie. My weight's been veering between 155 and 156 and showing no signs of dropping below that range, which depresses me even more. Today was the worst. Last Friday, I applied for a job at my local coffee shop. They seemed to really like me and everything went well - I aced two trial shifts over the weekend, and the boss said she would call me to let me know whether I'd got the job on Monday. My fucking phone which is nearly 4 years old and dying on me didn't receive her call, so she never got through. And when I went in today to explain the situation, she told me I was too late, and she'd given the job to another trainee. So I had actually got it, but because my failure of a phone gave up on me, it went to some other guy. I spent the entire afternoon crying way more than I should have done over some cafe job. Maybe I cried so much because it would have been perfect had everything worked out... maybe I cried because I felt like that was my last hope or something, and it's the closest I've got to actually doing something I enjoy on this fuck-up of a gap year. Doing something that gets me out of the house every day and gives me a routine and a purpose and provides me with some money of my own. My mum didn't understand. She just shouted at me for crying and said I needed to get my life together. Well, hello, that's what I was trying to do. Now I just feel like giving up. Because my life is back to how it has been since February 2012. Two-dimensional, inconsequential, and mostly spent in bed, wishing I was somewhere else with a new name and face.
Even writing about all of that is making my heart hurt again, and I'm beginning to wonder how I'll get through the next few days. I have my shitty waitressing job to attend tomorrow. It's a 6 hour shift and I just hate how mentally drained I feel after coming back from these central London things... but whatever. I have to do it, I don't even have a choice in canceling or they'll fine me more than my wage. Ugh.
Sorry about the job and phone thing. It sucks when you want something have it but loss it. Sometimes I think god loves to fuck with me gets my hopes up and then everything goes to shit lol. Things will work out! your plan looks great i think I am going to go investigate this more thanks for posting it!
ReplyDeleteI know this so well, too well... have you ever been tested for adhd? no offence there are very bright people with adhd out there. as a side effect the adhd meds really almost eliminated my binges...(still depressed currently though, but at least at BMI 18.5)
ReplyDeletexx
I've always suspected I had a mild case of ADD, actually. I have horrible trouble focusing on one thing, I faze out of conversations and instructions very easily especially if there is background noise. But because I sailed through school (academically speaking) no one ever thought to test me for dyslexia/ADHD... now that I'm 19, I wonder if there's much point even venturing into getting a diagnosis? And that's amazing, a binge-eliminator sounds like some kind of miracle but I guess they do exist. BMI 18.5 is what I'm aiming for, too, you must be a tiny thing :)
Deletehun, get a diagnosis, this can produce dramtic results at any point in life. it helped me to deal with my ED (expect for one giant slip-up but it was dramatic weight loss and not gain). Really, your problens sound soo similar to what i used to deal with... also the art a-level struggle etc etc.(i ended up getting into central st martins for design BA, which was great..) and i know i should not stress this too much but the ADHD meds do reduce your appetite. At least the binge-appetite...
DeletePS: noo way i am not tiny, but i try to prefer healthy. anything under 18 is something i try not allow myself anymore..
xxxxx
I'm doing the Surge diet too! let's do it together :) If you want, I could give you my phone number and we could text each other to keep motivated and accountable. just an option for you!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about the cafe job, that's really shitty. Even though it's not a huge job opportunity or anything, I get what you mean. Having a routine and being in a place you love is really wonderful. I know you can find something, though.
Best of luck!