600 cal a day keeps the doctor away.

I wanted to try 2-4-6-8 tomorrow, starting with the 800 day as I can't remember the last time I successfully had a day under 1,200 calories. But I'm going back to basics and doing what I did when I was 17, which was just 600 calories a day until I broke. Straight-forward, no bullshit calorie zigzagging and messing around. I'm ready to shake this range once and for all. I stepped on the scales multiple times at 2pm after waking up and they went from 166.8 to 167.4 back to 166.8. I don't know which number was accurate but the point is I don't want to be 160-anything. I've been here for literally a year and I've had enough of it. So 600 calories a day until I'm back to where I was, that's it. Either way I'm deciding that I need to go a bit extreme to successfully get back in the 150s then lower. I'm back in London this week then freshers starts next Monday or thereabouts, so I'm leaving again then. That means roughly seven days to get out of the 160s. I just need a jump start. I've been sleeping on the couch at home, and today I didn't wake up until lunch time, which felt terrible. It was my birthday on Sunday, and I stayed the night at Tina's which meant I had to wake up at 9 (she leaves for outpatient treatment every morning around 10/11) and it felt really good to be up that early. I got so much done that I didn't care about only having had 6 hours sleep. I'm working on an album at the moment, and it's something that feels very easy for me to keep returning to as I love doing it and it's cathartic and therapeutic in a way that writing often isn't. So I did that virtually all morning while Tina was at clinic and then I met her at 4pm and it felt like I'd actually had a productive day's work. Anyway, I want to do that every day. I want to design a perfect schedule that allows me to work on all of these creative passions in equal amounts with equal dedication and determination. Writing, making music, and film. Maybe I should find an acting class this term that isn't affiliated with the university. If such a thing exists.

I finally got my Ritalin prescription from the chemist's so I will making full use of it in a non-abusive-but-probably-slightly-abusive way... until I find a way to otherwise control my voracious and insatiable appetite.

* EDIT *

- FF Greek yogurt, blueberry (114)
- 1 banana with cinnamon (90)
- Muesli with skim milk (200)
- Soy cappuccino, vanilla (180)
- Chicken singapore noodles (300)
- Superfood salad (375)
- Cookie (290)
- More salad with cheese (300)
- Coca-Cola (100)

Total: 1949

This is a "good day" to me now, which is rather a kick in the teeth seeing it all written down like that. I feel bloated. I came back to Tina's house for the night, which opened the gateway to eating a big dinner and consequently feeling I should eat more to make it "worth it". I didn't need the cookie, but she was having one and for some reason that justified it to me. Same with the heavy dinner of noodles and salad. Even though it was "healthy", I'm not convinced. I'm rarely convinced that a dinner consisting of meat, dairy, and totalling over 600 calories is either worth it or entirely healthy for you and consequently, I feel bad. Bad enough to start restricting again seriously, if only to negate how utterly full and disgusted I feel right now. I feel shit looking at myself in the mirror. I don't understand how I let it get this bad. I don't know how anyone can say I look ok. My friends, my girlfriend, my ex-boyfriend. I look like a pig.

I've planned out tomorrow:

- 1 peach (30 cal)    
- Black coffee (0 cal)
- Mocha Light frappuccino (96 cal)
- Kids meal (275 cal)
- 20 slices Turkey w/ mustard (170 cal)

Total: 571 calories