Perfect illusions...

I come back home after a weekend away, and suddenly, I feel tiny. I'm wearing an outfit that two months ago I honestly wouldn't have been brave enough to wear - a tight long-sleeved v-neck navy top, tucked into high-waisted stretch American Apparel jeans (now baggy on me, despite the fact that I only bought them a month ago). A long-sleeved thin stripy cardi, heeled chunky suede boots, and my beloved thick-strap brown leather satchel from LA. I feel like Charlie in this outfit... maybe. My hair's tied back in a high ponytail that swishes while I walk, and I feel like I could be an off-duty dancer. I walk through the door, linger in the doorframe of the sitting room while my family sings my praise. And the funny thing is, I've eaten enough for 5 men this weekend (truckloads of sushi, crisps, vodka, tiramisu... oh, God, the tiramisu...) and I still feel thin. Because they're praising me, and I guess technically, I've lost over a stone, so I must look slimmer.

I eat more: chocolate, some red cabbage and potatoes from their roast dinner. It was delicious. Half an hour later, my body freaks out, and I die on the toilet for ten minutes. Apparently my digestive system cannot handle this quantity of food, and like clockwork, I will still be 145 in the morning. I am taking this as a good thing.

Caro and I spent the day eating, and watching Black Swan. That film is pure thinspo, I swear, and it's made me want to start dressing like a ballerina. I don't want to be perfect these days, but I wouldn't mind creating the illusion of perfection. Kind of like fooling other people into seeing pretty. I wonder if that would work.

I'm taking heed of my body's signals, and easing up on the restricting this week. I start work experience on the 19th, and I need my energy back by then. Healthy food is good, junk food is bad; but I can find a balance. I only want to lose 10 more lbs, and then I can be done, forever. I wonder if that will be enough, but I don't think I can afford to be asking myself such questions at this stage.

On another note, I'm seeing a psychiatrist on Tuesday morning. My doctors all seem to agree that I might have ADD. Guess I'll be adding that one to the list of other diagnoses... merely scribblings on paper that have neither helped nor hindered me, I suppose. Meh.

Plan for tomorrow:

Breakfast: Yogurt + slice of Nimble toast with Flora + tea
Lunch: Nakd bar + smoothie + iced coffee (seeing Caro)
Supper: Butternut squash soup + Sunbites wholegrain crisps (or fine-milled oatcakes)
Snack, optional: Options hot chocolate + 2 oatcakes with Dairylea

It sort of looks like my old recovery food plans. Which is strangely comforting, for reasons very unknown to me.