This time last year...

I read back on some old posts from this time last year, circa my tonsillectomy. This exact day last year, I weighed exactly the same as I do today. 146 lbs. It's not even depressing, in fact, it was quite a relief that 'at least I hadn't gained'. It brought about a certain comfort, that I was back there again, and therefore, perhaps, could proceed in a similar way to before. Only this time, I plan on keeping the weight off, and I'm not aiming for something ridiculous.
 
I need to emotionally break myself off from the last few years of my life. I have to stop indulging fantasy-type memories of relationships I had that were TRULY toxic, such as with Charlie and Rebecca. I keep glorifying and romanticising my time with them as if they were the best years of my life, but they really weren't. They were the worst. I was at my most psychologically unwell when I was friends with Rebecca, and she made it worse. We were terrible for each other. Charlie isn't a nice person anymore, and she probably caused me the most damage last year out of everyone. I cannot continue to idolise them and reminisce and wish I were friends with them again. I cannot aspire to be like them anymore, I cannot live in this permanent state of nostalgia which ultimately winds me up depressed, and hating myself with a passion.

It's time to build myself back up again, nurture myself, and live for ME, not for anyone else. If I'm going to be depressed, I want to be depressed about MY stuff. I can't factor them into that depression on top of everything else. They will no longer have an effect on my mind like that, and I will no longer wither at the thought of what 'Rebecca and Charlie are doing without me'. It makes me weak, and I can't afford that, not now. I need to be strong, I need to be fit, and I need to be good to myself (and the people around me who truly care).

After making plans all day to starve myself again, I deleted all I'd written, and started afresh. I dug out my favourite fitness blogs that I used to follow. I decided I'm going to start exercising and practicing yoga again. I vowed to give up smoking, and chucked out my pack. And I felt a little better.