There are so many things I want to write about sometimes, but I often wonder how I'm going to phrase it, if there's any point, if anyone will listen, etc. Quite a few things have been going on though, so I feel like even if these posts do go unnoticed, there'll be out there, and my mind can settle a little bit, having written it down.
I can't work out if I'm happy or sad at the moment or just... nothing. My diagnosis finally came through: it's confirmed, I have ADD inattentive-type with possible characteristics of bipolar type 2. My psychiatrist put me on Ritalin. This has not made my mother happy. In explaining that it has made a world of difference to me, and my ability to focus and remain stable, I only received negativity in response. She thinks it's all bullshit. Never mind about the years and years I've spent wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Never mind that every school report from secondary school confirms, proves what I was suspecting, and never mind that two medical professionals have agreed on my diagnosis. I guess my mother has been through so much that any problem is now 'normalised' for her. I'm not allowed to be depressed or ill anymore, I'm not allowed to try to understand what is going on in my own head, otherwise I'm instantly branded as attention-seeking, looking for validation, or 'navel-gazing'. All this has led to constant snapping and arguing, which makes me feel monumentally awful, considering how well I thought we were doing.
It would be easy to say I'm feeling depressed, but the truth is, I'm more frustrated than anything else. I started an internship at the beginning of last week around the same time as starting the pills, and I think I concentrated better and worked harder in those five days than I did the whole of my A level year at school. I was on such a 'high' from how brilliantly my week had gone, and proud, in a way, that I'd gotten through it - and that high was crushed by the supreme lack of support coming from my mum. I got a chill yesterday night, and as a result I'm currently holed up in bed with copious amounts of cough sweets, sudafed, and icy diet coke. It sucks; I want to be well, and I want to be working. Not only am I terrified I'll be too ill to go to my job tomorrow, but I have this uneasy feeling that all of last week was a fluke. That my body just can't handle working from 10am-7pm every day, and every time I try, I'll get ill. No matter how many pills I pop, how many vitamins I take, how well I eat, I'll just crash and burn eventually. This kind of morbid, dead-end thought train is one I'm used to, and I know it's unproductive. I just can't help thinking that's me, my life, my future, and I'm fucked, basically.
Well, on a better note, I've managed to maintain a steady 145 lbs. It feels good to be able to stay in my 'safe region' without much effort and I can definitely see the change in my body since two months ago. I don't know if I have a goal weight. I don't think it would be helpful to make one, because I am too apathetic to aim for anything as concrete as a number right now. I just know that I want to vaguely skinnier by the time uni starts. And that Ritalin appears to have a handy side-effect of eliminating my appetite all day, but that's a whole other kettle of fish.
I worry about that a lot too, that I can't phrase things properly, or no one cares or will read it. The important thing is that writing these posts helps us feel better in one way or another.
ReplyDeleteIt's always unnerving when we just can't identify how we're feeling. For me, things felt so much clearer and more manageable after diagnosis (I was diagnosed bipolar type 1 at the start of the year, after years of it just being 'depression'), it's not just 'something's wrong but I don't know what'. I'm sorry to hear your mother's been less than supportive though, especially if you're finding the meds helpful. It might take her some time to understand ADD, maybe you could ask your psychiatrist for some tips on how families handle it?
It's so nice to hear you've been maintaining your 'safe' weight range. I agree, setting goal weights isn't always helpful or productive. I do feel compelled to say 'stay safe' though, especially with Ritalin messing with your appetite.
Take care dear <3 xx
Thank you sweetie, your comment was much appreciated. Hope you are doing okay yourself? I will definitely ask my doctor about how to make family members understand better or how to avoid conflict over the subject. I guess I just never thought it would be necessary with my mum, who always seemed to understand so much.
DeleteTons of love <3
There's always somebody willing to listen, but I think you're right that the most important thing is just to write. I'm sorry your mom hasn't been supportive. It's so important to feel like your family is behind you and it must not feel that way right now. just stay confident in what you know is true.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about doubting your own drive. But working hard can become a habit, so you just have to keep going until it becomes second nature. I'm prone to crashing, too. I don't know what it is, but I can only focus on a job for so long. I think it's one of my worst qualities.
I Have ADD Inattentive too! Just be careful with the ritalin and the restriction. I can't ever take stimulant meds for ADD anymore because I damaged my heart with restriction. So be healthy! It really is amazing what a difference the meds make, isn't it? It's like all of a sudden you realize that "Oh, I wasn't being lazy or stupid, there was something going on neurologically with my brain which made me unable to focus"
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