Decided to return to this blog now that term has officially ended. I need it.
What’s happened?
A heart break, some weight gain, an (ongoing) existential crisis, more insomnia, and a lot of confusion. Long story short, I fell in love with my flatmate, the boy who lives opposite me. I'll call him Freddie. It was unrequited love, as far as he let on, although various things did happen between us that lead our friends (and me) to believe otherwise. The German fucked up big time and I decided to kick him out. Oh, and I also realised I'd been on a manic episode for about eight weeks and seriously needed to sort my shit out before I actually went up the wall. Now I'm back home and still reeling from it all. Time for a checklist? This term I -
-Went through about thirty condoms
-Spent about £1,300 without really realising
-Slept on average 4 hours a night
-Realised if I were to give up smoking I'd probably become a nymphomaniac instead
-Got even more entrenched in my disordered habits surrounding food and alcohol
-Sabotaged and saved up about a gram of Ritalin, which I fully intend to make proper use of this Christmas
-Met some people I'll probably know for the rest of my life.
Currently I need to numb myself by trying to diet again. I’ve become far too curvy for my own liking. Too soft round the edges. It’s not good enough. I need to be strong, fast, athletic, svelte. I cannot come back to university in January this same person. I do not want to be her anymore. She has not served me well.
Further musings - is it weird that I want to be tall, lean and athletic like a boy? I’m surrounded by so many chiselled beautiful young men at university who all have faces sculpted by angels, and naturally being a theatre student I like the idea of becoming an androgynous-looking faery. I get afraid of my own curves. They remind me I’m a woman and this fact often makes me feel very vulnerable.
It's all very Brechtian, I suppose. Watch this space x
Welcome back, again :) I'm always glad to see you post, especially after going AWOL. It sounds like you had a hell of a term. Enjoy some downtime!
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's weird at all. We want what we want, there's no right or wrong about it. I know what you mean about the fear of being womanly though. It is a very vulnerable feeling for me too. Whenever someone makes a comment about 'why do you want to be so thin? Men don't like bones, real women have curves' etc., it's like, ummm hello, maybe I don't want to look womanly or have people be attracted to me.
Take care hun. Hope to hear more from you soon xx
Eagerly watching!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're back, your posts are always so lovely.
I'm trying to get my head straight after a rocky semester as well, finding an outlet in my blog after being forced to write inane essays all semester feels like scratching an itch at the bottom of a boot. I've been someone I'm not entirely comfortable with this year, and my body reflects that.
I agree, it's not comfortable being a woman around campus. Too many eyes, too many dark walkways that make you feel like a piece of meat on a string. I don't want to be big and loud any more, I want to melt into corners and disappear into books.
"Androgynous Faery"... I like that. :)
Wishing you peace, happiness, and good luck,
Faye