Summertime Sadness

The OCD inventories can take a brief hiatus here. I got horribly upset last night, about my sister leaving. She's moving to LA in six days. Up until last night it hadn't quite felt like a reality. Then it all hit me. She's going to be alone in a flat in LA and she's 18 and the idea of it terrifies me. So I broke down crying on her shoulder and I think it was probably the first real hug she'd given me in over a year.

I fell asleep at maybe 4am, maybe earlier, I don't remember. Then I couldn't wake up. I don't know why. Whether it was because I felt psychologically or physically shit or both. At this point, waking up at 4pm feels almost suicide-inducing. There's no worse feeling these days. I'd happily take anything over those afternoons. I wish I could find a way to wake up at 6.30am every day and be tired enough to clock off by 11pm. 

I cannot do this anymore.  

I weighed 163 this morning. I have no idea why I gained, but I did. I ate some crisps that I thought were vegan but they weren't, they had cheese powder in them. What the fuck is "cheese powder" anyway? 

I'm going to the gym in half an hour or so, for a late-night biking session. I've had 2 frozen bananas liquified in the blender, with fruit sugar; a piece of bread and oil; a few plantain chips that were left over; an Innocent smoothie. Just over 500 calories. Post-workout snack will be a huge iced coffee with soy from Starbucks, because glorified over-priced caffeine-and-fat-laden milkshakes are really the way forward. I want to burn at least 400 calories at the gym. That way, even if I end up with an intake of 1300, my net will be <1000. Dinner will be... some kind of vegetable hoummous-y concoction. If said ingredients can be found in fridge.

EDIT
This evening I had a ton of brown rice, some soy sauce, sriracha, then a carrot salad with tomatoes and hoummous. I also had more of those crisps, regrettably, but I was starving. Didn't go to the gym but biked instead, only for 20 minutes this time but at least it was something. Also drank two coffees with soy from Starbucks while I called Lina on the phone.

Estimating net calories at 1250. Not terrible, not great either. And that's discounting the coffee, which is a stupid rule because obviously soy milk does have calories, but I'm stubborn and needy and the free coffee calorie rule makes me feel childishly secure.

Ugh.