Bruiser

168.8 this morning, but not for long. 7 lbs in a week is unsustainable especially by my standards. It had to end at some point. 173.6 on the scales tonight, at 3am, after Black Russians, beer, and McDonalds. I miss JG. Life is too short to live in a fairytale, but I want him so badly, more than I've ever wanted anyone in my life. Caro is staying. She's a breath of fresh air. Bash isn't speaking to me. The guy she was seeing the previous times she visited me here, came onto me last week and I had an honest moment, told her everything. It may have been the biggest mistake of my life, but the whole thing made me feel so damn uncomfortable I had to get it off me somehow. If I was more naive and less cynical I would say it was sexual assault, or at the very least highly invasive. Now I'm just used to it. I'm a real bruiser. I don't even get drunk off spirits anymore. I bought a dress, for Lina's graduation tomorrow. I intend to fast all day on coffee so I can fit into it; I'll take a picture, if I have time, and upload it here. It shows my stomach but if I suck in and don't eat all day I should be able to get away with it at dinner. Ugh, I shouldn't have had all of that salt at McDonalds. It's so bloating. Mafia Jacket (real name protected) from work is messaging me. I think he loves me, or wants to fuck me, or both. I don't even know whether I like him or not. I think I like other Joe. I'm so fucking confused right now. I just need to be alone and starve for a while so I can feel self sufficient again. Skinny for when he comes back, so he regrets it all.