Good: My throat is healing pretty fast now that I'm coming up to the 2 week mark. I still wake up with a raging earache that doesn't go away until I take 4 (very) strong painkillers, and I go to bed pretty much the same way, but for most of the day I have very long periods of time where I don't feel any pain and can eat.
Bad: Due to having been able to eat pretty much anything I wanted in the last few days, I've managed to put on 4 lbs and am back to dreaded, ugly, revolting 144 lbs.
Good: Amsterdam is looking very likely for next Friday, if I'm all healed up and can fly without there being any risk of bleeding (which happened the other night and was pretty scary... I'm fine now but it freaked me out).
Bad: Firstly, the only reason I want to go to Amsterdam, besides seeing my father of course, is to smoke a LOT of cheap dope, and basically survive off vodka and coffee and cigarettes for a week. Now I don't know when I can drink and smoke again, technically, but I assume it's when my throat is completely healed, and that's definitely not yet :( Secondly, I'm fat, and I have a mere five days to change that. Fucking fabulous.
In other news, I've decided that at some point over the next 3 years I want to look like Élodie Bouchez in La Vie Revee des Anges:
Because she is just so fucking beautiful and tomboyish and gamine and FRENCH!
I just need to get this shit over and done with so I can live my life.
My mum asked me this morning, while I was spilling melted chocolate from my pain-au-chocolate-breakfast all over myself, what my plans were for next year. I looked at her from across the table, a pained, 'not this again' expression on my face, and tested the waters - 'Anything... I... can... get?'
'No, but really. I mean, darling, you've got to decide what you're going to do. As in, solid, concrete, tangible plans. Not just, "I want to lose a lot of weight and smoke a lot of cigarettes and cavort around London waiting for things to spring up".'
Oh God. She knows me too well.
I explained to her that I can't make any 'concrete plans' until I have my school schedule sussed out. As it stands, I'm taking this A level for fun. I don't need it - I've already got into university - and technically, I only require an F to pass, so I doubt it's obligatory for me to be in school 24/7. After all, I was hardly in last year and I got 2 As... I rest my case.
Shit, of course I'm panicking. I don't know what I'll do for money. My dad doesn't give me anywhere near as much as I need to maintain myself and has worked all the loopholes of the legal system in order to get out of paying. So I need to get a job. I need theatre work experience. I need to get my fat ass in gear, if I'm honest. I've spent a year laying around convalescing and as soon as I'm back from Amsterdam, it's time to build myself back up again and put myself out there in the world. Fuck, I'll be 19 in a month, it's really time to get going.
I love the gamine look and Elodie is so very beautiful. Sometime if I'm going out I try to rock the gamine look but my hair is blonde now and getting long. I used to have red hair in a pixie cut so it worked a bit better then.
ReplyDeleteHope you have you a fantabulous time in Amsterdam,
Enjoy your lovely self x
I hope you have an amazing time in Amsterdam. And I really hope your throat heals in time, because to go to Amsterdam now and not be able to smoke would be terrible. Good luck healing.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you'll find a job for next year in no time, you've got such amazing results, everyone will want to hire you.
19 is my lucky number, and that should protect you enough in the next twelve months. You'll have a beautiful year. :)
ReplyDeleteIt's a tough call, though, French v. vegan. One has a variety of (very yummy) international options, and the other is probably more healthy and beneficial right away. I've always kind of imagined veganism to end up being really unimaginative. That could be just me, though - I find vegetables and fruits very creative media, but incorporating other food groups always makes it more fun to play. It probably comes down to personal preference. Or perhaps you can alternate? One day, or week, be French, and then counter that with one day, or week, of vegan eating. That way, you won't get bored, and it won't be like you're restricting yourself necessarily, in terms of favouring one way of eating over another.
I love you,
<3.