:(
Food today:
-2 ham and cheese wraps
-Iced coffee
-Cracker with nutella
-2 peaches
-Screwdriver (OJ & vodka.)
-More alcohol to come
I think the last time I started drinking in the day was study leave. Oh dear. Well, I have an excuse. I'm depressed. Mother was away last night again and Tina stayed to keep me company. I didn't divulge how sad I actually was. She knows anyway. She reads me as easily as a children's picture book. Alfie turned up at 3am for an hour and it sounds silly, but I actually felt really upset that I couldn't be alone with him, and all I wanted to do for the whole hour was kiss him - that would have been all it took to make me happy again - but of course I couldn't, because Tina was there and I didn't even manage to be with him for 1 second on our own. I mean really, what was the goddamn point of him coming, I couldn't talk to him openly, I couldn't curl up on his chest and cuddle him, I couldn't even look at him because I was scared that my eyes would give it all away. Admittedly I was drunk and Tina was sleep deprived and, you know, anything goes and all that shit, but... no. Just no. It sucked.
I want to be motherfucking goddamn loud and proud. Is that too much to ask? And yes, I know it would cause the most monumental, catastrophic eruption that would send waves rippling through our circle from the inside out. It would probably damage me and Charlie's relationship beyond repair, and make everyone second guess me, or worse, lose utter trust in me to be honest with them. But what the fuck man. As I said in my last post, NO one is honest with each other in our group. I think I love this guy. And I don't know if he feels as strongly for me as I do for him, but I wish it didn't have to be this way, tip-toeing around when other people are there, keeping it on the downlow 24/7. Maybe I am too hard to please. When he's over at mine all the time, when we're seeing each other frequently I can quite easily distance him from my mind... but the minute he's slightly out of my reach, it's like I'm an addict for him. He races through my head non-stop from dusk until dawn and I feel my whole body yearning for him. At times I'm so heavily inundated by my thoughts of him that I have to metaphorically pinch myself in order to stop myself from falling into an out-of-control spiral of emotional dependence and vulnerability.
After he left and I finally fell asleep downstairs, I had dreams all night that he was ignoring me, going around with other girls, paying me no attention and it hurt. It hurt like a thousand knives being thrust into my heart. I woke up crying and had to fix myself before seeing Tina off with some fresh orange juice and a hug.
I mean, what the actual fuck dude. I'm not like this. I don't know what's happening to me.
Bash is coming back from holiday tomorrow. Tina is going away in 2 days. Caro left this morning. Zara's psycho-nosy mum hacked her email account and grounded her indefinitely. And Charlie isn't even picking up my calls. So that leaves me... Bash... and Alfie.
Ménage à trois, anyone?
I'm just gonna get drunk and forget it all.
Darn scale. Mine wasn't nice to me either this morning. I saw 187.6 twice, 190.0 once, and 189.8 three times. Damnit of course I was rooting for the 187.6
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about wanting to be alone with him. I was like that when I lived with my parents and the boyfriend would come over. I would pray for them to go upstairs just so I could make out. When you don't get to be around them like that you want to make out with them when you do see them.
You are right. Some people would not trust you or see it as betrayal. They do not have to know when the relationship started. I guess because I am older I see things differently. There are many men in the world( or women for some ) It is hard to find that one person who understands you, loves you no matter what. After my divorce at 19 years old. I told myself I would never stand in anyone's way of true love, including my own.
I am not just saying this either. Before my husband and I got married. Last year he was emotionally in a relationship with this other women. I knew this. He lied to me about their relationship up until after we got married. I confronted him before then but he denied it. I was disappointed in this young lady but I was not mad at her. She was unhappy, he was unhappy. They discovered they made each other happy. He feel into her arms because I was depressed about my job. I never wanted to go anywhere or do anything. I felt fat and ugly and he could not handle me feeling that way all the time. He wanted to help me but didn't know how.
Yet again sorry ramble on and on but I had to so you could see I am not crazy here and full of crap.
Drink for me, hubby finished off the wine days ago without me >.<
Hey Gabby, I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time, I've had dreams like that, they suck. I think you should talk to Alfie about how you're feeling and tell him that you want to open about what's going on and see how he feels? I wish you the best anyway hun and I hope you sort things out :)
ReplyDeleteAlice xx
I cannot imagine that a screwdriver is any good. Orange juice and vodka? I'm trying to figure out how it would taste, but nothing is coming (maybe that's a good thing, given my present condition...). Maybe I'll have one in your honour next summer, and get acquainted.
ReplyDeleteThere comes a time when it's scary to think that someone has that power over you, that you dream about him and are driven to depend on him like that. I'm really sorry that those feelings monopolise your well-being. I know what it's like to wake up crying; it happens to me often (but I also wake up laughing a lot, too), but those types of dreams do tend to fade. Subconscious insecurity takes different forms. Lately, I've been having dreams that my husband dies a few days after the birth of our baby. It terrifies me to no end, especially because they're so damn vivid and realistic, and he just doesn't understand what it's like for me when I lose him (even in a dream). It's kind of a cripplingly lonely feeling, isn't it, to realise that other people mean more to you than you do to them?
Love you,
<3.