Tonsillectomy weight GAIN?!

Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh is all I have to say for myself right now.

So I'm not happy for two reasons. The first is that I am in an island of pain. That's right. I want to go to bed and cry into my pillow and just stay like that in hibernation until all this shit goes away and the back of my throat stops looking and feeling like a battlefield. The second is that I HAVE GAINED SO MUCH WEIGHT AND AM NOW ACTUALLY LEGITIMATELY OBESE. I was 150.2 lbs on the scales this morning and 154.6 this evening - I mean, what the fricking frack? I haven't been this fat in months... I even weighed less than this when I started my mother effing blog back in 2011. The shame and disgust is just unreal.

I know why it is. It's because all these goddamn antibiotics and painkillers have meant I haven't gone to the bathroom properly in 3 days and so I have half a week's worth of food just crammed in my system. The meals must just be piled on top of each other... ugh. So I'm drinking a shit ton of water which is bloating me, on top of the soup, the soft bread, the juice, full fat coke, and every other starchy sugary fattening item of mush I've shovelled into my face since Monday. Ugh.

See, I know I'm not ACTUALLY 150 lbs. I know what my body looks like when I am genuinely tipping the 150s and this ain't it. I look, like, 145 lbs, at the most. But the scales don't lie and when I see that number glinting up at me, it feels like I'm in some kind of fucked nightmare. But this is the issue with me. It's so unreal that I can completely dissociate from the fact that I've ballooned 10 lbs over my comfort range and my mind genuinely just shuts it off. You'd think it would shock me... and on some level it does, that I've let my body get this fat again... but for the most part, I'm just swimming in a painkiller-aided fuzzy-minded haze of obese denial whereby anything I eat is totally justified because I'm ill and heck, I probably wouldn't even care if I was 160 lbs right now, because I'm literally that far gone.

The only good thing that could POSSIBLY come out of this would be not bleeding in days to come. If I don't bleed, the weight gain might be *minorly* worth it (pfft, says the ED. Weight gain is never worth it). But if I do... then just fuck everything.

Oh and it's results tomorrow. Happy times.

Could this post BE any more miserable? Apologies. Small piece of good news though: my dad's coming back from the states on Friday to visit me before he flies out of the country again over the weekend. He's lost so much weight it's ridiculous... (maybe America was my saving grace and the tonsillectomy a red herring? Who knows; life is weird.)

So as it stands,

1) I'm up 15 lbs since study leave
2) I feel like I'm being stabbed with knives down my throat every time I swallow
3) It's results day tomorrow and I can't even drink my sorrows away
4) My best friend has officially ex-communicated me
5) I'm not even the thinner one so I have nothing to make me feel better about it all

No, this is not a happy post.

PS. I'm joining a gym in September, it is decided.