Time to grow some balls

I felt so effing terrible today. Major down spell. Started bingeing pretty much from the moment I woke up which didn't do me one favour. Depression crept in. Had some wine; thought it would make me feel better. It just made me more inclined to order a ton of Chinese food and eat it with my sister in front of re-runs of The Hills. All of those girls are just so bloody skinny and preened to perfection and all it did was remind me of how average and chunky I am in comparison.

I struck me that I have gained 12 lbs overall since my low point during study leave. That is disgusting. Despicable. And so, so deflating. Even though I still thought I had much further to go when I was 135 lbs, I knew I wasn't fat anymore, I knew I wasnt chubby, I knew I had dropped a size and that gave me motivation that I actually had will power and could go further if I wanted to. Right now, well... I havent been out of the same 2 or 3 kilo range in months, my weight yo-yos around, I can't keep up a constant activity level, I cant even go a week without smoking or bingeing these days. I have no motivation. No immediate excuse to drop a shit ton of weight. No one's broken up with me. No one's died. I'm not losing control of things. And thats why I can't lose it. There is no reason other than my own precious self indulgence and desire to be painfully skinny and wear my fucking damage on my outside because I'm secretly an attention-seeking, self-involved, reckless little girl. My alcohol habit's creeping back in and I see myself turning to it for comfort once again. I started drinking at 3pm today for example, just to take the edge off my anxiety and depression. I can't even go three days dieting without fucking it up. I can't keep up a constant level of good - or even "okay" - mood. It's awful. What on earth am I supposed to do, how am I supposed to keep on living this year out the way I've started it? I know it sounds dramatic and I know developments will happen like meeting new people and upcoming opportunities for going out, keeping busy, working. I know for sure that I will see Bash again at Christmas and have fun with her, take my mind off everything. See Alfie again this side of the holidays, if he still wants to, and of course Caro and Tina on a weekly basis. But it's not enough. Other people aren't enough. They don't fill that void. There's still something missing. I'm frustrated. I want to make myself into this person but I have no idea how to do it or even if I did know, I couldn't actually carry it out because of lack of mental strength. And I am so, so tired of looking, being, feeling this way. At least if I was depressed and 50 kilos or something, my body would match the inside of my head, I wouldn't have this constant tugging at my brain, this permanent sensation that I could be better, smaller, and in addition to that, utterly detached, disciplined, and self-ruling, without the need for anything or anyone other than myself.

I know what's stopping me from losing weight. Self-sabotage, but that goes without saying. But I'm just too easily distracted and swayed by short-term pleasure. I need to perfect the art of cutting all the extraneous, unhelpful out of the picture and concentrating on this one thing. This one thing that I know will bring me happiness, or at least freedom, in some format. It's time to let go of everything and everyone else and be selfish for once. This is my thing. My choice. My choice to be thin. I've done it before and I can do it again.

Super strict regime for the next week, and it's not going to last any longer than that. Just one week, then whatever happens after that, happens. But this week is going to be intense. No smoking (I had some last night with Tina, following a sushi binge that caused me to go up 2.5 lbs this morning. It's made me feel ill). Strict diet: lunch will be some combination of fruit or a couple of pieces of vegetarian sushi, washed down with diet coke. A big salad for dinner (lettuce, spring onions, cucumber, broccoli, tomatoes, carrots, beansprouts, sweetcorn, croutons) in a tupperware chased by tons of water. No frothy lattes (until the weekend), no yogurt, no cheese, no crisps, no juice. Not forever, but for now, because I need to stick to this plan for a short period of time to prove to myself that I can do it. At the weekend I'll replace the salad with alcohol and allow myself coffee. I just need to be selfish for a week and be like, fuck this. I'm going to eat a certain way for the next 7 days and no one's going to stop me, especially not myself.

I'm getting my ass in gear this week, girls. I promise. You'll see some progress... finally... and hopefully it'll be an inspiration to myself (and perhaps even others) that I can still do this, still find motivation and get somewhere I want to get, even if it's just a small goal as simple as keeping myself in check for a mere week.

To week 2 of October - it's going to be a good one.