So yesterday, I couldn't eat anything all day.
I went to go pick up some photographs that I wanted developed. They turned out shit, all overcast and gloomy, like my mood. £7 down the drain.
That was my day.
I felt sick when I looked at food and even thinking about eating it made me want to cry.
Then at 7 I was like, this is ridiculous, I need to eat something.
So I bought a bottle of vodka
Because I was like okay, maybe if I get drunk enough I'll eat something.
Got drunk and ate about half a loaf of white bread
Then I felt sick
and stupid
and even worse
I don't know what is happening to me any more.
Today I had to be out pretty much all day. Was pretty hard after five days lying listless and dead in bed with a hot water bottle, a cold, and zero energy.
I had a voluntary theatre job interview early afternoon then had to rush back to buy something to wear, make my sister dinner, then get ready to go clubbing with Caro.
I didn't feel like either, and I am still contemplating whether to go out tonight at all.
The only incentive is I get to drink in an acceptable drinking setting rather than the backdrop of my own bedroom.
There's even a downside to that, that I will be wasting even more money, and it's not even money well spent, just on some overpriced drinks that I can't afford and won't even fuck me up.
I'm just dreading having to dress myself up to be honest.
I want to crawl into a hole and lay there and hibernate until the year is over.
I don't want to have to face the responsibilities of real life.
I don't want to do my art anymore. I'm so behind and my teacher has some sort of personal vendetta against me.
I feel like I'm losing pleasure in every aspect of life, it's like there is no hope.
I must sound so self indulgent right now but that's how it is.
I wish I could just go somewhere to be away from all this stuff inside my head,
like a little break.
Mental break.
I wish I could be admitted to hospital so I wouldn't have to deal with the real world for one second longer. I could just get treated like a lost child who needed looking after 24/7 and not have to deal with school or other people or friends or non-friends or love or sex or parents or families or duties or jobs or any of it.
143 lbs today. The number was going down, slowly but surely. But when I got home today I binged on the contents of our fridge because I'm a fat depressed failure who will probably be 146 tomorrow morning. I wish I could bring myself to care but I just don't anymore.
Yep, definitely not going out tonight. Might just pour myself a substitutive triple vodka in honour of the evening I could have had.
is the name of your blog called the black book in reference to satan's book. cos if it is, that's pretty rad.
ReplyDeletedepression sucks. the things you say just sound like what happened to me, except I just thought it was a part of growing up. maybe it is.
I want to encourage you to go out some time this next week. It will help so much. it helped me a lot. It's still a struggle, and it was a huge struggle to start putting myself out there again, but it will pay off. Being busy will also keep you from binging (learned from experience) and being social can help you gain some perspective, but I had to get past the depressed reticent stage before that worked any magic. I hope you feel better tomorrow.
best of luck. stay strong,
Strala *