Purgatory

Since last week, not much has changed. I've been in this cloud of depression and I don't know why but this time, nothing is lifting it. I cry on average about 3 times a day, usually to the point where I'm hysterical, and every morning I wake up with a throbbing headache because of it. Not to mention I've been ridiculously ill (glandular fever symptoms, not able to stand without being dizzy, etc.) until yesterday, when I felt much better physically, and could see my dad, who is back in London for a few days. That little patch of illness is probably the only reason I'm down to the 151.8 lbs I weighed in at this morning, because I have still been eating relentlessly like a horse whether hungry or stuffed. I feel so terrible giving this miserable update on my life, but on this blog I try to be honest, and let my readers know what is going on. I've been really out of whack with my email lately for obvious reasons, too, so lovely girls who I email: I will be back on the scene as soon as I get my head together.

But I don't want this post to be all bad. I had a massive cry this morning (yes, another one) and afterwards, I felt this massive unhappiness at how badly I've been treating myself lately. Not physically, necessarily - obviously bingeing isn't conducive to a healthy relationship with your body, but it's not been as damaging as it could have been. I guess what I mean is I've been very unkind to myself, mostly psychologically. Really hard on myself, and not giving myself a proper chance to recover from stuff. Last week I made a huge change by almost completely cutting out smoking, and I'm pretty sure if I can do that, I can make other changes, too. In the afternoon I worked out for about an hour. I did pop pilates, ballet workouts, stretches, a bit of yoga, and afterwards I felt like I actually deserved to smile, because I wasn't a total waste of space. My waitressing job properly starts on Wednesday, and that's going to be really active. I figure if I gym it 3-4 times a week, workout at home every morning, and waitress about 15 shifts a month, I'll get in shape a lot quicker, which will, obviously, cheer me up.

The pressing 'thing' (which I can't remember if I've mentioned on here yet or not) is my trip to LA on the 30th March. My sister and I are flying out to see my dad and spend about ten days there. Obviously I'd like to be in the best shape I can be by then, simply because I want to enjoy my time there, feel confident, and not cringe when it's time to bring out the leg-bearing outfits. I stumbled across this plan on Tumblr last year and have always wanted to try it, but it's never quite been the right time, and I could never trust myself to actually work out. However, tomorrow I'm giving it my best shot, because I have approximately 18 days before I travel to the land of the skinny minnies, which kind of freaks me out. So I'll let you know how it goes. I figure if my net intake works out than less than the recommended calories, I won't be too fussed about sticking to exact amounts. Anyway. We'll see if I like it and if not, I'll take a proper mental holiday from dieting, until I'm in a better place, and can make it work on a healthy level. 

I'm kind of done with making myself miserable, though. Being sad is boring. And I really, really want to feel better again.