A weekend in the country

Well, this month certainly started off with a bang. That is, the bang of my foot against my friend's scales as I read my weight on Friday morning. 1-5-4.

I know why it happened. For the past week or so I've been bingeing worse than ever before. A endless train of nonstop binge eating. Every night, I go through the same motions: eat dinner, tell myself I'm full (which, probably, physically, I am), go upstairs, talk to a friend or write or chill out in bed with a book. An hour later I'll decide I want a cigarette, so I'll go back downstairs, get something to drink with my cigarette, and go outside to smoke. Back upstairs, back in bed, probably time to sleep now. Procrastinate going to bed for two further hours. By this time it's nearly one in the morning, but something (my eating disorder? The lure of the fridge? The devil?) possesses me to walk silently back downstairs, creep into the kitchen like the little food creep I am, and begin my night time binge.

If I'm lucky, it'll be a case of nibbling on a few bits and bobs, washing it down with water, coffee or tea (yes, I am so addicted to coffee I sometimes drink it at 1a.m.). If its a bad night, I can keep going up and down stairs for hours to get more food, silently cart it up to my room, eat it as quietly as possible, then rinse and repeat until its 4a.m. and I just want to die so, so much.

154 lbs is appalling to me. It's only 2 lbs under my highest ever weight, and that makes me feel like crap. I don't know how my clothes still fit me, but they do, so maybe some of it is food/water weight, and my proportions haven't shifted as much as I think. Either way, one word springs to mind: ghastly.

On Saturday morning I packed a bag, determined to get shot of home for a few days at the least. I forgot to add that I've been having some horrible arguments with my mum, which haven't helped my state of mind. Luckily we've made up now (for the time being) but all of this makes me just wishwishwish that university would hurry up and come.

I went to stay with Alfie for a night at his uni. We got completey wasted and then all of us went clubbing and got even more wasted and then got drunk McDonald's. By some miracle of God I only ended up ordering small fries and a water. I had my eye set on the veggie wrap but then I was just like 'No.' Then we went home, I went back to Alfie's room, and we ended up kissing and doing... other stuff... in our drunken haze. Got two hours sleep because he had some medics meeting on Sunday morning, and it woke me up. Caught up on an extra hour while that was happening, then got up, met him in the courtyard and we went for breakfast. While the boys all ate their gigantic greasy fry-ups, I got a bagel, a banana, a low fat plain yogurt and a black coffee. Win for me.

Anyway moving on, I then hopped on a train to the countryside to come stay with some old family friends. They are literally the sweetest people and have treated me so wonderfully. I can get on with my own thing, clear my head, feel calm and together again. Today I went into town and had a peruse around the shops. Everyone smiles at you here, even the people you meet walking their dog across the fields are just so friendly and they always say hello. That's something I like about getting out of London. And the sky is so clear that you can see every single star.

Food wise today has been okay: I had a super healthy breakfast of natural probiotic yogurt, stewed apricots and ground flaxseed & almond cereal, washed down by two cups of coffee. In town I got a Shapers hummus and falafel wrap, a bag of crisps and a cappuccino. Then I had some gum, a Shapers bar and a Creme Egg about half an hour ago :/ Luckily it'll be a low cal dinner - mushroom tomato omelette and salad :) I used their scales to weigh myself this morning. It wasn't a nice number. 152 lbs. Better than 154 I guess, and hopefully I'll be down to 150 tomorrow morning. It'll be okay. The important thing is getting out of the habit of night time eating. Once that's under control, I can start to rev things up a bit, revisit my gym membership, and get back to the low 140s.

Well that's certainly enough rambling for one blog post. Thank you for putting up with this drivel. It'd drive me insane.