I am so disappointed with myself it's not true. I finally got a new set of scales (a pair of my own, at last, that actually work). They cost me £16.50, and they were the cheapest ones at the chemist's. £16.50 later and I'm ready to kill myself. I weigh 155 lbs. There you go, I said it. I am thoroughly ashamed of that number, and almost considered deleting this blog altogether after I saw those 3 little black numbers flashing up at me earlier on today. I'm confused, sad, anxious, and just... lost. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't recognise my body in the mirror. It looks distorted, like one of those fun house mirrors that stretches your hips and stomach and thighs and face way out of proportion. Except that's my actual reflection, and I can't get away from it.
I calculated that today I consumed 3,032 calories in total. I don't even feel full. In fact, I feel like I've undereaten today. How fucking disgusting is that? I'm a pig.
I don't know what to do. I don't know whether to start restricting again, or to start a plan, or a specific diet, or just take a bunch of laxatives and drink water and diet coke for the next 4 days until I see the 140s again.
Oh, and I'm ill, to boot. Coughing fits every 10 minutes. So I can't smoke, obviously. And Bash is back in London. Worst timing ever. We're supposed to having lunch at her house tomorrow, but I'll just want to curl up in the corner with a coffee and a cigarette and ignore everybody.
Other people just... don't... understand.
I'm sorry to hear you got such a nasty shock on the scales.
ReplyDeleteDon't go with the laxatives & diet coke plan, especially if you're ill already. Cut back a little and maybe start a diet plan, but try to be halfway-kind to your body. If your immune system's already fighting something, you don't need the problems of laxatives to add to it.
I hope things improve for you soon. It's such a horrible feeling to look in the mirror and just see a distortion *hugs*
xx
I'm sorry to hear that you're not feeling any better. Remember that being 5ft 9 means that 155lbs isn't too bad. It may seem like it is, but it most definitely isn't.
ReplyDeleteI think maybe you just have to re-teach your mind about how it looks at food. Maybe not dieting for a few weeks and just eating clean? So don't worry about the calorie aspect, just get used to picking healthy choices and not bingeing later on. And if you feel like a binge, force yourself to binge on good food, like fruit or porridge.
Don't lose hope. Remember:
"If it was easy, everyone would do it."
x
I'm so sorry that everything is such a mess right know .. And we do totally get how you're feeling and it sucks to feel like that ..
ReplyDeleteI think you you set a calorie max at 2000 to start with and when that gets easy enought, go down to 1800 and so on.. So you get a hang of it again .. Jumping from 3000 cals to a fast almost always leads to a binge and I would really recommend just toning it down, little by little :)
Xx Jo
Thinking of you! Hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteLove, Anna
Sending you a hug x
ReplyDeleteHi there! I'd like to invite you to my blog connected with fight against eating disorders, cause i think we shouldn't be silent about that. Of course you can find here also mode, make-up, opinions, advices, photos, daily stories, healthy recipes etc. You can trust me you will find something you will like.If you'll like it really much, you can become my new follower. Hope to visit me soon. Have a very nice time. Andie :)*
ReplyDeletewww.andie-chambers.blogspot.cz
that sounds terrible, i hope you're alright :( like the other girls have said, cut down gradually as a fats usually always ends up with a binge. and use myfitnesspal to track your calories accurately :) love you and hope you get well soon <3 xxxxx
ReplyDelete