Soooo work is fucking shit, I can't get anything done and I'm seriously scared I won't be able to force myself to make the deadlines. I'm depressed. And ill. I can't hear out of one ear and my throat hurts like a bitch. Tonsillitis better not be round the corner otherwise I will kick off and run away to Venezuela. I weighed 143.2 lbs this morning. Ick, ick, ick. Post-hospital weight wasn't it? All that hard work for nothing. My dad is being lovely and trying to be helpful, calling me up and checking how I am. But he doesn't understand. He doesn't understand the pressure he is putting on me every time he tells me 'You can do it!' or 'You always pull through in the end' or 'I'm so excited for you to be at university, you will have such a great time there'. He doesn't get that there is a huge chance I won't be able to pull through this time. Or that I will feel like a failure of a human being if I have to stay here for another year.
As it stands, I still have to write my literature essay, start my language coursework from scratch, come up with my art idea, and produce a minimum of 20 pages of detailed work in my book. I can't even bring myself to write one sentence let alone do all this. My mum is saying she thinks I should give up. Resign myself to not taking my exams this summer, because I am torturing myself over it. Push and pull, torn in two directions. This constant ambivalence is killing me. I wish things were just straight-forward. I want to go to university but I can't bring myself to do the work. I don't know if it's a mental block, or energy levels, or self-sabotage, or what. But it's messing up everything.
I'm back to 3 square meals a day, each no more than 500 calories. Thoughts of elegance and grace and discipline. They will get me through.
No comments:
Post a Comment