Paralytic

Needless to say the past couple of days have been a bit crazy. On Friday I went up to North London with Caro and Zara; Zara left early and so me and Caro had good hanging out times in the markets, which we hadn't done in a while. I took two psephys on that day and they kept me from feeling hungry until the effects wore off around 9pm, when Caro dissipated and I went to see Charlie. Now, you know we haven't seen Charlie in months and months. She was looking very slim still, in these tight purple jeans, and had cut off her long dark hair, to reach her shoulders. First time in my life I've had the longer hair out of the two of us. We spent the evening catching up, finally getting drunk in Central, a bottle of vodka between us, several packs of menthols and a box of double chocolate cookies. We discussed things. On one hand I have her telling me she's crazy about Alfie, that she knows she hasn't been the greatest girlfriend over the past few months, but that she's determined to fix things between them this summer, and is hoping things go back to normal very quickly. On the other hand I have Alfie telling me she's fucked it, that she has pushed things too far with him and that he's going to 'have the talk' with her (ie. end things) next week the minute his exams finish. Now here I am, close with both of them, just recently being able to rekindle things with her and unwilling to sabotage that, but, equally, having this lovely boy come into my life at a kind of pivotal point, and for the next few weeks all I can do is hold my breath, and wait for this to play out, and see what happens, and play no part. It's hard looking out for both people at once, sometimes. But at the same time, I wouldn't sacrifice my relationship with either for the other, if that makes sense.

Last night I picked up on the animosity emanating from Zara towards Charlie. Zara's first priority is Alfie - as I've mentioned before, they've been crazy tight for years and Zara hasn't been too happy with the way Charlie's been treating him. She ushered me away in the hotel we were at, a strange big place with lots of black sofas and cream walls and chandeliers, the throb of the party we were attending becoming increasingly distant... her hand grabbed mine and we swerved into an elevator, being taken to another floor: a more commodious space than the one we'd been occupying, but empty, except for tables and stacked chairs. At this point I was very sober and unhappy about several things, one of which was the fact that I hadn't been served, despite presenting a legit ID at the bar in Tina's room, and feeling as if I wasn't going to get a drink all night. Zara, clutching both my hands, told me how much Alfie cared for me and how he feared he would lose me to Charlie; that if they broke up I'd stop talking to him altogether in favour of a rekindled relationship with my old friend. I said, I'm not the sort of girl who fucks off. I stick around. I'm in for the long haul. I pressed these words into her hand and asked her to tell him, from me, that I wasn't going anywhere. She nodded and hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, and we returned to the party.

Not eating all day was a very bad idea. I'd woken up mid afternoon, a result of my late return home on Friday night, and had about an hour to scrape together an outfit and wash, before I had to be out of the door at 5 to scoop up Eliza and travel with her to the party. Later, this bit me in the butt. I got several people to buy me drinks, most of which were fairly weak, and as the adolescent invincibility mindset always goes, I thought I'd be absolutely fine. I talked manically to a whole bunch of people; someone dropped hot cigarette ash on my arm, burning me, but I found that hilarious, and was back on the dance floor in 10 seconds flat. But things moved from bad to worse when I was taken to the bathroom and laid down on my side, and despite initially wondering why the hell I was there, found myself unable to speak properly, and soon after, throwing back up everything I'd drunk at the party, a gaggle of my friends around me. They made me eat crackers and then I heard one of the organisers asking Caro if I needed an ambulance. My arms were slung over the shoulders of two boys, one of which I'd been flirting with, and he went from predatory to caring in a second. Then they wrapped me up in blankets... oh God, I felt so ill I thought I was going to die. I'd never been so wasted or in so much pain in my life. They almost called the ambulance but I was very fixated on the idea of not going back into hospital, and so someone retrieved my phone, a girl with dark red hair and big black eyes, and called my mother, who promptly got in the car to come and get me. Half-passed out I was helped into the front seat and was up sporadically for the whole night, going into sweats, no rest. This morning I feel fucking shit and have had some soup, a full fat coke, and tortilla chips to help settle my stomach.

On the plus side, I weighed myself, and I'm down to 139.2. Guess being paralytically drunk serves some purposes.

I had a Sunday lunch planned with my dad and sister today, but it looks like that one isn't going to happen... which makes me miserable, because I was looking forward to it. My sister also wanted me to help her with her work, a creative writing piece she was having difficulty with. And my dad - well, I don't know when he's going away but it'll be over the next week. There were these caves we used to go to, outside London, with stalagmites and stalactites and boats that you got into with a guide. He said he'd love to go again before he leaves, and it made me sad, as if my childhood was dead, and he was going away forever.

Kit is working in London for the next three days and I offered my place for her to crash at tonight. Once I get in a bath and take a few pills I should be decent, I just have to take it easy. And tomorrow is our 'prom' - oh, did I mention, I finally managed to find a dress? It's a little vintage number that clings to my good parts, maybe I'll photograph it some time. It won't be like anyone else's. I guess that is me all over. I can't wait to see Alfie. I will not be mixing my drinks on an empty stomach tomorrow night, and I'm sure my friends will have their eye on me.

Off for a hot bath, today won't be over 600 calories so maybe I'll see 138 tomorrow. :D