Everything is so weird and horrible at the moment. I feel like I'm living in a dream world. I might as well be sitting a geography paper on Monday - that's how prepared I am. As it stands, I don't feel like even trying anymore. What's the point? If I try, then I'll have something to lose.
My weight has gone up to 139.8 and it makes me sick to my stomach to think of that. Yesterday I had about 3,000 calories and then day before that around 2,500. Writing those numbers literally disgusts me but this blog is about honesty, so there you go. My skin is looking shitty. And I'm so ashamed of this weight I can't even get dressed, let alone leave the house. If I find myself in the 140s again... I just don't know what I'll do.
The girls who commented on my last post (you know who you are) made me consider that I had come a long way, and that 128 was within my reach. But sitting here, at 139.8, I feel like I have made no progress whatsoever. I was this weight back in February, and at one point last year. Yeah, I may have got down to lower numbers (135) momentarily, but I haven't managed to sustain any of those numbers.
Literally, I feel so shit today that I can't actually envision myself getting out of my pyjamas/bed all day.
I talked to Alfie until 4.30 am this morning. He said he couldn't bear to think of me unhappy. Well, this is who I really am. I'm an unhappy person who hates herself. And it appears that after 18 years of hell, nothing is going to change that.
i'm sorry things arent going very well for you at the moment :/ i hope they get better soon! xo.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're feeling down, I know the numbers on the scale drive me insane too, I wish I didn't rely on them for happiness and I wish you didn't either. Those numbers don't change who you are, they don't have the power to do that, I wish I could believe that too,
ReplyDeleteHang in there, much love to you xxx
BIG HUG! Dont worry im back to stupid 140 after many binges. We will do it again and get to 135 together. We know we can do it as we have done it before. Im back now looking to get to atleast 136 for my birthday on the 20th. WE CAN DO IT <3
ReplyDelete-Lots of Love C
xxxxxx
I am really sorry to hear this :( but you have been working really hard up until now, and I have every confidence that you'll get back on track sooner than you know it. Xx
ReplyDeleteWeight fluxuates, that's life. It sucks, and it's painful, but it is a reality.
ReplyDeleteSet realistic, clear goals and go from there. You can do anything you set your mind towards!
Stay strong and remember you are beautiful :)