Stoptober

Hello all!

Amsterdam was bliss. Sunny, rainy, cut-off bliss, and while I missed London terribly, now that I'm back, I can't help but feel this wave of depression take over me. I spent two days trying to re-connect with my father and by the end of the week we were best friends again, having fantastic conversations and hitting it off like we always used to. I was his little girl again. Once I was back in London yesterday afternoon, I realised I was in a totally different mental space, and would actually have to learn how to reconnect with my mother after 10 days apart. It isn't easy skipping between divorced parents, let me tell you. You get used to one and then all of a sudden you have to get used to the other, soon after which you are catapulted back to the first... your head can't always keep up.

Eating wise I did okay the first few days, but I got my period (weeks late) on the Tuesday and following that proceeded to eat everything in sight. Low moments included eating hazelnut chocolate bars by the 100gs, half of a giant pizza all by myself, many many family sized bags of crisps, oh and I'm not even going to start on all the amazing restaurants and bakeries we went to... Jesus, it was bad, but so so good.

I'm going to stop ruminating on the past, though, and work with what I have here in front of me. Seeing my friends today who were back from uni for the weekend put things in perspective. I have 2 days of school this week, 2 university parties (well, events) to attend with Caro on Monday night and Thursday night, theatre work on Wednesday night, and visiting Tina in halls at the weekend. Busy busy busy. No time to binge, really, and I'm not even thinking about when my next binge day will be. I'm simply not interested. Weight? I'm up 1lb to 146, and quite frankly, after my antics abroad I deserve to be at least 148... so I'm not complaining. Also, tomorrow is "Stoptober" - national non smoking month - and a group of us are giving up. I think my dad and sister might too. It's gonna be fucking hard but for the best. Along with that I'm giving up eating crap, drinking diet coke and being a lazy ass. Bring on exercise and healthy eating.

I guess I just want to become a better person in general over the next month. More disciplined, more focused, and I want my body to match that. I'm seeing Alfie at the end of October and going to America not too long after that. I'm going to pour all my energy into working hard and bettering myself both physically and psychologically until then.

Food today was okay-

Breakfast: Fairtrade banana, Innocent orange juice
Lunch: 4 sushi rolls, soy vanilla latte, blueberry muffin
Snack: Almonds, celery with hoummous, 2 Nakd bars
Dinner: Lettuce, tomato, celery and cucumber salad

Here's to a great month (starting tomorrow) - and I will try to start writing better, more positive blog posts soon, I promise. It's all just a bit weird inside my head right now.