Wounded Bird syndrome

*Sigh* Well I got back from Amsterdam late on Wednesday night, and yesterday I sort of had a monging out day because I was so tired from travelling and all the walking we'd done around the city. Today will probably turn out to be another mong day which I'm not so happy about but I literally don't have the energy to get up and go out especially not in this weather... so mong day it is.

Amsterdam was... fabulous. I can't tell you how peaceful I felt out there. Every morning we would roll out of crisp white sheets dowsed in light from these huge windows... then we'd make ourselves cups of coffee and grab a packet of menthol cigarettes and go smoke on the roof garden for about an hour. The conversations never ran out. We didn't get sick of each other. We didn't fall down any steep flights of stairs. No one got pissed off. My dad took us out for dinner a couple of nights to some really cool places but for the most part we were left to our own devices and could pretty much do whatever we wanted... it was heaven.

Now that I'm back in London I seem to be suffering some sort of withdrawal from it all and feel very sad. I had a lot of energy on holiday, probably because the week before I'd charged my body up with a ton of superfoods, and now I'm paying for my bad habits in Amsterdam (sugar, followed by caffeine, followed by nicotine, followed by more nicotine, followed by some weed, and then more caffeine). It just goes to show that what you eat really does affect how you feel and how much you can do. I am 144 lbs today... not excellent but I really did eat a lot and in all honesty I should weigh more. I ate so much on some of those days, and on the last day we had Mcdonalds at the airport :/ So 144 is pretty lucky in my opinion, and I normally gain a LOT more than 2 lbs on holiday.

Today I'm back to the health freak diet... had my standard Total 0% natural yogurt with granola, apple and cinnamon for breakfast, a bottle of "Healthy" water, and lunch was a Siesta carob bar with an organic green tea & acai drink. I have to force myself out of the house later, not because I want to see the light of day any time soon, but because I need to buy some bananas and spinach for a green smoothie... and some vanilla almond milk. Because I want coffee but I don't want to use regular milk. I smoked a LOT on holiday (20+ per day) which is slightly sickening, so instead of cutting them out altogether which would just make me ill, I'm curtailing my nicotine consumption at 5 cigarettes per day max. Also completely cutting diet coke, because that stuff does me no favours. I don't even like it anymore and it lowers your immune system.

Things I learnt when I was in Amsterdam:
-I'm bored of feeling wired then crashing... I'd rather have a consistency in my energy than be manically jittery and hyper one hour, then utterly depressed the next. I'm actually kind of disenchanted with the whole thing.
-I can go a month without alcohol and not miss it whatsoever.
-I apparently have 'wounded bird syndrome', according to my father.
-Caro and Tina are definitely two individuals I could exist quite happily alongside for long periods of time without getting sick of them or needing masses of alone time... which is highly unusual for me.
-I want to make films more than anything in the world.

To elaborate on that third point regarding wounded birds: my dad pointed out, over an expensive lunch of goats cheese & honey ciabbatas and coffee, that I need to stop trying to save everyone. I tried to save Charlie: that one backfired massively and we still aren't speaking. Rebecca was like a lost child that I tried to rescue but the minute she built up enough ammunition she just threw it back in my face. Before Rebecca there was another. And currently, something else that's going on and getting me down, is that Alfie's in a bad place with his family and whenever I try to offer my support or try to be there for him, he just shuts me out and gets frustrated with me. It's a vicious cycle because I get frustrated back because I can't do anything to help and then we end up having these stupid petty arguments. I hate arguing with people I care about, but sometimes he's such a martyr about it, and wants to suffer in silence yet rope all his friends into it and get them to feel sorry for him and it pisses me off. There's also this nagging sense in the back of both our minds that he is leaving in 4 days and that isn't easy either.

I can't even be fucked with the whole boyfriend thing anymore. It's just annoying me now. I can't believe I thought a boy would be less complicated... if anything they're worse than girls.

The school still needs to send me my art schedule because I haven't a clue what I'm doing with that one... school started two days ago and I'm completely out of the loop, so that's all a bit worrying. Because until I know when my art classes are and how much they want me to be in, I can't plan anything else that I want to do (courses, work experience, etc.) or know how much free time I have. So that's getting on my nerves.

Argh.

Sorry if this post sounds really pissy. I'm just feeling a little lonely and lost now I'm away from the peace I found in Amsterdam. I'm hoping once I get my school schedule I'll be able to make a few solid plans and start feeling like myself again. One good thing is that I'm invited to a few of my friends' freshers so I will have some parties coming up. That's always nice.