50 day resolution to 150 

Yesterday and today - binge. Need I say more? I'm starting over, this time shit's getting serious.

I HAVE to stop doing this to myself. This year was supposed to be a fresh start but I'm still at the high end of the 160s. Nothing's changed.

I need to get my weight under control and my life under control.

This morning I got up after three hours sleep and made my first seminar of the term. I've had a big problem with anxiety since December, regarding my classes. I don't know what it is but something about sitting in a circle where you're exposed and everyone can see you is so panic-inducing. I hate that I've developed a phobia of it. But I forced myself to go, which I felt momentarily good about until I realised the facts:

-I keep getting sporadic weight gain-induced acne eruptions that won't heal and are becoming impossible to cover with generic makeup (the recent one happened a few days ago and is showing no sign of going away)
-I just started my period, and it's heavier than it's ever been, due to my gaining thirty pounds in the space of a year and a half
-I gained thirty pounds
-I'm fat

Oh, and another gory thing you may or may not want to know is that I've only been to the bathroom once in the last three days, which for me is highly unusual and usually only happens when I 'leave' my comfortable, healthy weight range. I am so far past that point it's unreal.

I want to be able to condition myself, in the most clinical way possible, to go hours without food, or thinking about food. Train myself to eat the same lunch every day, a bowl of carrot sticks with mustard, apples and peanut butter, washed down with copious amounts of coffee or diet coke.

What I eat must be healthy and it must be worthwhile. Carbs to keep my energy up, protein and fibre too.

Coffee is good for warming the soul, and forgetting about food for a while.

I am also lucky enough to possess a script for Ritalin, which tends to curb my appetite completely - although I rarely take it as prescribed (10mg, 3x a day). In fact, I rarely take it at all, because it tends to increase my anxiety - the kind of level of anxiety I can only handle on a day I have an essay due at midnight. But I'm sure if taken in 10mg bursts over an extended period of time would help stave off hunger completely.

I'm also not going to weigh for a while. Not until I know I've got this under control, and everything is going as planned.

So yes, the 50 day resolution to 150 is happening NOW. No more dilly-dallying. I have to do this for myself and for my peace of mind. I have to do it otherwise I'll sink.

Oh - in other news, I got the place on the study abroad scheme. I'm going to New York next year if I get the grades... which means even more reason to get this sorted out now so I feel as confident and brilliant as possible when I get on that plane in August.

Counting from 00.00 which just passed in UK time. I'll update tomorrow.