Day 1

The day started off horribly. Was late for an important study abroad meeting and the woman said that if I didn't get it together she'd give the place to someone else. So I left the office and cried on a bench outside for about ten minutes.

I wish I wasn't so pathetic when it came to this sort of stuff. I feel like other people are tougher than this, but I'm always so sensitive. I let everything get to me, and weigh me down.

I'm so scared of self-sabotaging the place. Half of my head is telling me to fight for it (whatever that means - showing them I'm better than their image of me, I guess) but the other half is saying, in a sing-song voice, 'Told you so'.

On top of that I got my period which made everything ten times worse. In twenty minutes I have to head to another meeting, about my attendance, which I am dreading. I missed every seminar this term so far, excluding yesterday. I just hope I can pull it together before it's too late.

Officially counting 00.00 as the first hour of Day 1. So, 10 hours into day 1 I ate 2 green apples with natural crunchy peanut butter.

It's now 14.05. About half an hour ago I swallowed a bunch of vitamin D tablets and 10mg ritalin with a coffee (with cream - ~20 cal) and then made a small portion of chicken, which I only ate half of (~60 cal). So far we're looking at ~280 cal for the whole day.

--UPDATE

16.00 - black coffee with milk and splenda (15 cal)
18.00 - another green apple with philadelphia + a diet coke (97 cal) and another 10mg ritalin.

I did something weird. I attempted to bake a chocolate cake without a recipe. I'm worried about it. Not because of the calories (I used splenda to substitute sugar and a banana to substitute oil) - but mostly because it seemed like a weird, random and kind of manic thing to do. Also I'm pretty sure it's going to be horrible.

I suppose the trick with this whole thing will be getting back into thinking about restricting as something plausible I could do, successfully. I've lost faith in my ability to not eat. Back in school it used to be a breeze, but now with no schedule enforced upon me, sticking to basic things like mealtimes becomes unrealistic, unless of course I learn how to enforce that discipline myself.

The 'experimental' chocolate cake batter contained 1/2 a cup of flour, 2 tbsp butter, splenda, a banana, chocolate syrup, 2 egg whites and 1/2 cup skim milk. In total, the tray shouldn't come to more than 500 calories, but I'm really dubious. I worry that I've created some poisonous concoction that is going to make me extremely ill.

Part of me doesn't really care.

Why must sticking to things (casual dieting; my schedule; a life plan) be so difficult? Surely it's not that hard, if other people with just as many problems can do it so successfully.

150, of course, is not the end goal. Once upon a time 150 was a start weight - a number that repulsed me. Now it's a number I would be satisfied to see on a scale. Not happy, or proud, but satisfied.

At 150 I start to resemble myself more. At 140 I look "healthy"; at 130 I am officially, finally classed as "thin" - that word we all covet so much. Strangely, 130 is almost low enough for me to be considered underweight. Even stranger is that the idea of being underweight doesn't hold me in the same thrall as it used to. I don't want to be a stick, I want to be powerful. I don't want someone to see me and think I'll break in half, or that I look delicate.

~392 calories so far. It doesn't sound like very much, but I won't have something to be proud of until I get through the evening without bingeing.

--UPDATE

19.00 hrs.

I haven't felt hunger like this in months. This is what half a year of eating your pain does to you. You lose sense of what it feels like to not eat. I feel like the apple made me hungrier. Now I'm pissed at myself for having it but honestly, there was no appealing alternative when I opened the fridge. I seem to be down to just: yogurt, salsa, cucumber, eggs and milk. And some toast.

I'm trying to tell myself to get over it. Get used to this feeling. Unfortunately no amount of cigarettes, coffee or diet coke will make this go away.

The cake came out of the oven. It smells heavenly but I have no idea how it tastes. Maybe later I'll have some.

Part of me wants to push through the hunger into something better. A hunger high, maybe. I forget how this works.

--UPDATE

The cake was... weird. It kind of tasted like bread and butter pudding. Which ordinarily would be gross but I guess when you're starving, you'll eat anything. Anything that contains less than 50 calories, that is.

I'm aware that this post is inordinately long. But weirdly, rambling about food makes me far more likely to turn it down when sticking to the plan is constantly on my mind. It may be to do with the ritalin, which makes me obsess over things more.

The hunger subsided a little after I had the cake, but not much. I'm going out for another cigarette in the hope that it'll curb my appetite somehow, but equally I'm aware that expecting to feel full on 442 calories over the course of a twenty-four day is unreasonable.

--UPDATE

Hit rock bottom at 9 and cried for about two hours to L. Gulped more coffee, and ended up eating 1 small tortilla wrap with guacamole because my stomach hurt (it still does). So total calories for Day 1 = 630.