139.6/Honesty Hour

My aim is just to not exceed 600 calories/day which should be very easy for me. I only lost .2 of a lb yesterday so I'm at 139.6 :/ I need to see 138 on the scale tomorrow otherwise I will totally lose motivation. Pathetic, I know. But my mind works in funny ways... At least I'm not in the 140s. Will keep repeating that to myself.

I've started watching 90210. Ridiculous but so addictive.

Not much is happening. Study leave is nigh. I am working - not as much I could be, but I am actually doing some work which is apparently rare for me. I have avoided going into school and seeing my friends for the past 2 days. There are several reasons for this:

1) Everyone has been dressing up and I feel totally unqualified to dress up when I haven't even been in school for the past 4 months. Like, I feel like I'm a total outcast who doesn't belong more than ever before because I was ill and it's like I don't deserve to dress up or feel like a part of my year. It's really stupid but... I don't want to make my grand entrance at English Lit dressed like a zombie on the last day ever. It's stupid.    

2) Being with my friends has not been an aid to my diet thus far. I know I can't avoid social situations forever - and I'm not planning to - but having 2 important, life-defining exams in the next 5 weeks isn't a bad excuse not to want to go out and waste time eating a big ass lunch. Nor do I feel like partying like there's no tomorrow on the weekend, which has been suggested by all. I can't be effed to get drunk and then hungover. I have no energy as it is. I can't be effed to have to worry about bingeing, then what I'll do after the binge, all the weight I'll gain, and how it will drain me for the next week. I just can't do it. Right now all my friends seem to want to do is buy a shitload of chocolate or bagels at lunch because they're stressed, and I'm not interested. They tell me off when I don't eat or when all I want to do is smoke menthols and drink diet coke. Or, I get bought delicious iced blueberry muffin cake things by Alfie. Which brings me onto...

3) Alfie. Yes I am avoiding him. We have been texting way too much for comfort and he's Charlie's boyfriend and they really like each other and I am not getting in the middle of this. I need to not see him for a week or two to work out what is going on in my own head. I have never really liked someone this way before, especially not a boy, so this is all new territory. And I have to be careful.