Restless

Once again, I was astonished at the overabundance of support on my last post. I really don't deserve you girls. But hearing that what I write about might be inspiring to some, is excellent reason not to fail and let you all down! So thank you.

Well, last night was absolutely dire, to say the least. I made this low-cal Mexican style wrap for dinner but because my mother got home so late, I didn't end up eating it until 9.30pm. I never usually like eating past 7pm, to be perfectly honest. It makes me feel groggy and way too full and I get anxious in the middle of the night that I've magically put on 3 pounds just from eating late.

So that happened. My intake yesterday looked like this:

Monday 21st May/ABC day 4- 400 cals

- All Bran cereal w/ light soymilk (150) - excluded from intake, as usual
- 1 c. frozen raspberries (25)
- 7 almonds (49)
- Cinnamon cookie (30)
- Glucose tablet (20)
- Salad (60)
- Quesadilla made with a small tortilla, lettuce, low fat cheese, guacamole, raita and salsa (215)

Total: 399

So the whole thing didn't add up to more than 600 calories - my 'cut-off' point for success vs. failure - but I felt so horrific by the end of the day I was ready to cry.

By the time I wanted to go to sleep, I was way too agitated to relax. I'd shut off everything by 12, but I didn't actually fall asleep for about three and a half hours. I suffered insomnia last year, and particularly whilst living in our old house. But since we've been here, I have slept incredibly well and insomnia hasn't been an issue for me. Last night, however, everything was wrong. My sheets were too messy, my pillows were too uncomfortable no matter which way I put them. When I finally did fall into sleep, I woke up a mere hour and a half later at 5am, thinking it was late morning. Bizarre. And I was very disappointed to find that my stomach wasn't flat as it usually is at night. I tried to fall back into sleep but it was interrupted by something or other for the next four hours. So what I assume is that I got about three hours' sleep in total, which consequently made me feel like shit in the morning.

I'm a firm believer that when you don't get a proper night's sleep, you don't lose weight. The scale goes down more when you've been out solidly for 10 hours, rather than a restless sleep of 3-5 hours. It's all to do with water weight and digestion and activity. So when I woke at 9am, properly this time and unable to sink back into snooze-mode, I knew the scales wouldn't have gone down much.
 
I hopped on them, and they said 136.6 twice, and 137.0 seven more times. So I assume I'm 137. I'm not actually that upset. Not really. A loss is a loss, and it's all in the right direction. And, as it currently stands - I have lost 4 lbs in 4 days.

I am reluctant to call this a 'plateau', for two reasons: one being that my weight is still going down, and another being that 'pleateaus' are normally the point at which I get discouraged and binge, and I will not be giving in to that urge today. Because I wish to keep my metabolism running smoothly over the next few days, particularly with Friday looming, I'm just going to make it a 500 day, and burn off 400 calories through some form of cardio-based exercise (which I should do every day, but I'm too lazy). That will give me a net of 100, which seems perfectly adequate.

Plan:

- Tortilla wrap w/ 1.5 tbsp peanut butter (230) - I'm including this today!
- Glucose tablet (20)
- 3/4 c. frozen raspberries (20)
- 1 slice Edam cheese (72)
- Lettuce w/ guacamole, salsa and raita (50)
- 3 almonds (21)
- Mocha (86)
 
Total: 499
Exercise: 20 mins cardio (-200), 30 mins yoga/strength training (-200)
Net: 99

I'm counting on seeing 136 for real tomorrow. I'm positively sure I will, as long as I stick to the plan, do some exercise, and don't eat after 7pm. That shit just doesn't work for me.

I am feeling a little happier, and it's probably because I'm losing weight again. Not just losing weight, either, but all the other things that tie in with it - working harder, spending more time thinking and for myself, being with my mum. Not to mention, as a side note, a lot of the drama that went down recently with my sister and dad has sort of diffused. So I feel calm, I can concentrate on my exam work, and dieting without pressure.

I cannot stress how important it is to do this while you're relaxed. I always used to think being anxious and on edge was intrinsic to restricting successfully. While that may well be true for me at times and for a lot of others on here, it's also pretty important there isn't some background hysteria in the midst of you trying to lose weight. It's actually better (and healthier, psychologically) to try to lose weight while you have clarity of mind, or only a few things to focus on - ie. study leave for me, where there aren't a lot of social pressures and I don't have to go into school. For others it might be the holidays, or a month where you are working in solitude. It all ties together.

I spoke to Tina last night - she knows all about my eating issues as we've been friends for a while. She asked me to honestly tell her how much more weight I wanted to lose. I answered honestly, because I trust her and heck, I have to tell someone. So I said that my long-term goal was probably to lose about 20 more pounds, but that I would be satisfied with losing 15 for the time being. She said she didn't want me to lose 20, but after some negotiation, and realising that I was insistent on dropping at least 15, she said she'd be keeping an eye on me whenever she could and making sure I didn't go too far with this. Which, I suppose, is all you can do when your friend has an eating disorder and won't actually listen to outside advice. So for now, it's 15 - which would bring my weight down to exactly 122 lbs (BMI 18). If I get there and I'm happy - or, at the least, content - I will stop. And start building my calories back up to a healthy, sensible level. Obviously if I want to lose more... well, that can wait, I have an entire year before I have to think about going to university again. So it's all good.

And on that (semi?) happy note, I'll leave you. Have a good day everyone <3