Day 10

Weight: 161.6

Intake:

-- 2 peaches (76)
-- Banana (95)
-- Peanut butter (150)
-- Smoothie: banana, coconut, pineapple (189)
-- Cherry tomatoes (40)
-- Avocado (160)
-- Grated carrot (80)
-- Hoummous (50)
-- Roast gammon (150)
-- Diet coke (1)

Total: 991 calories

I didn't have the soup or the tomatoes yesterday. I guess I was worried it would make me gain, so I held out. Lost another pound. I don't know why seeing the weight loss doesn't register anymore in this range. Maybe because, as I said before, I've been stuck in the 160s for so long I just don't care anymore. 161, 168, it all feels the same to me. I'm sure I will feel very relieved when I hit 159 and lower. After all (to my memory) 160 is the heaviest I ever became whilst journalling in this blog. Once I get to 159, it's an easy path down the scale. Back to old and more familiar weights, and in their familiarity those numbers will bring a great deal of comfort to me.

So (I think) shooting is now being pushed back two weeks. It's just as well though, because my skin needs time to recover until I'm on set again, and it means bonus weight loss before we start. Weirdly, I could be well into the 150s by then. I wonder if the weight discrepancies will look odd on film, but maybe it works for the character. We can always re-shoot I guess.

I made a lifestyle decision to cut out dairy. Not for some fad or aesthetic appeal, but because I have genuinely come to the realisation that I am sensitive, if not intolerant, to cow's milk. This is something I have to accept and deal with. No one else with an allergy would continue to eat that food "just because it tastes good". And just because I have been eating cheese for 21 years, doesn't mean it doesn't affect me. When I cut out dairy this year everything was better: my skin, my periods, my digestion, my energy. So I'm veto-ing the dairy, for good I hope. It's sad because I love yogurt and cheese so much but having those products every day is just not agreeing with my system.

Not much else to report on. Been sitting in my room for days watching trashy TV and movies on Netflix. Hiding from the outside.

Finally put on some makeup at 10pm and walked to the shop for some Coke. Ended up buying oats, rice cakes and mustard. Weirdest f*cking combination of foods.

I don't even know anymore.

I suppose I just have to push through, and push really hard, until I am nestled comfortably in the 150s. I don't much care for eating this little, although I have sort of got used to it now after 10 days' worth of restricting. It would probably feel bizarre to eat a heavy meal at this point. I have crisps stashed in my drawer, but I don't wish to binge. It would be completely pointless to binge before I even got close to where I feel I naturally should be. In an ideal world, I would continue on my restricting streak until I hit maybe 153. And then I would like to maintain for a little while, to get my body acclimatised to the new set point. Then I will go for another stretch, if I deem such a thing necessary. It would certainly be nice to 'healthily diet' my way into the 140s and take my time with it. There's no rush. We don't move into the apartment until early September, and school doesn't even start until October. So I'm fine. I'll be fine.

If I get hungry tonight I'll have the rice cakes or a soup.  

I keep thinking of all the clothes I will be able to wear when I'm back in the low-140s. I have this plan, that I'll sell all of my old stuff and use the money to design a perfect capsule wardrobe from scratch. I want to get one of those clothing railings for my new room. I have never felt fashionable. Next time I am 140 pounds, I will not waste it.

Edit: Had 2 dates, and a tomato soup. 132 calories. If this makes me gain I will assess the criteria in the morning, and come up with a plan that does the job faster than this one. Ugh. Late-night hunger sucks.