Kitchen Dance

Last night and this afternoon I have felt horrible. I've hit a plateau, of 163. When I weighed and saw 163.8 I just went downstairs and opened the fridge and cupboards like I was on autopilot. At 2pm I finally woke up (after waking up first at 5am and then 8am, wide awake both times and completely disorientated) and lay in bed in a sulk until 4. At 4, my mum called up to me and my sister to let us know that she was going out for the afternoon, and that there was a potato dauphinoise in the oven, fresh cakes that needed to be eaten in a paper box in the fridge, orange juice, lemonade, bacon and croissants from the bakery. That set off panic alarms in my head. Usually our fridge is quite empty except for basics, which is very comforting to me. What makes me panic is when there is suddenly an abundance of delicatessen goods "needing" to be eaten before they spoil. My mum left and my sister got in a shower, and I went downstairs in a trance. Before I knew it I had eaten a bite of an apple slice, half of a strawberries-and-cream tart, forkfuls of potato dauphinoise straight from the tray, the other half of that pasta salad from yesterday, and a glass of lemonade to wash it all down. 600 calories in the space of ten fucking minutes.

I can't control anything anymore.

It's only 5pm and I've fucked the day.

I just want to get out of this stupid weight range, and back into the 150s. But 4 pounds are not going to lose themselves, especially not if I do shit like this ^ the minute I wake up.

Took 30mg Ritalin because it usually cuts my appetite in that kind of dose. Hoping this food passes through me and I can lose my appetite for the rest of the goddamn day.

I binged because I'm panicking. I'm panicking about the fact that I have to get dressed up and go and see a bunch of friends tomorrow night, and I know there's going to be food and alcohol in large quantities. I'm panicking because I don't know when I'm going to start my period, and my skin is going to shit two days before a shoot. Oh, and there's the other thing. I'm panicking because I have to be on camera next week. And an actor dropped out, which is even more stressful, because everything's up in the air and I don't know when we're starting.

I hate unpredictability. It sets me off.

Shoot me now. And no, I mean with a gun.