Mojito nights

It's midnight, I'm on the couch. Just got very upset about my sister. She's been so horrible to everyone, and she's leaving to move to LA in August, so it's a terrible and upsetting way to end things. She has completely butchered her relationship with my mum and is now doing the same with me. Anyway, I've spent an hour crying about it but I actually had a nice evening with Caro. We got sushi, and then a mojito next door to the sushi place. It was lovely, although I was anxious about calories. I've been feeling fat all day.  

Today's death list:

-- Diet Coke (1)

-- 1/2 cantaloupe melon (90)
-- Apple juice (110)

-- Piece of homemade bread, with butter (~130)
-- Black coffee (x)

-- 2 slices pizza with mayo (~300) <-- eaten with my family, and they were quite conservative slices, but I'm pissed at myself nevertheless.

-- 1/2 bottled Starbucks iced coffee (x)

-- Sushi: Avocado maki, cucumber maki, inari nigiri (Google says 600)

-- Mojito, fresh (x)

Total: 1231. And that's not even counting the alcohol or coffee. Who thought up that stupid rule?

Fuck this shit.

I officially hate myself.

I told Caro I wanted to lose about 10 pounds (huge under-exaggeration). She said if I lost 10 pounds in a month she'd be worried. I don't want people to worry about me. Especially not her. She is so cool, collected and together and knows her shit (she studies Neuroscience - naturally she will ward me away from that path wherever possible). Now I feel fucking trapped. I didn't say anything much to her, just: I'd like to lose the weight I gained, and fit back into my old clothes. She wasn't impressed. She said I needed to stop perpetuating the cycle by actually designing a sustainable plan I could stick to. 

I wanted to say to her, no. I'm doing it my way. But she'll know if I'm restricting. All my friends will. I'll just have to pass it off as going to the gym. 

I hate that everyone knows I used to have eating issues. Now I can't do anything anymore without being watched and judged like a hawk. I know they have my best interests at heart but seriously. 

I just want to be thin. And left alone in peace to enjoy it. 

Is that too much to ask? 

EDIT: Binged. Typically. On a bar of chocolate, a salad with mayo, olives and plums. That's a binge to me now. And yes, I can feel the water weight already accumulating under the skin. 

No weighing tomorrow. Caffeine and nothing much else will be all that passes my lips. Ugh.