A few clarifications

I really do give up trying to call this recovery. I think it's counterproductive and isn't doing me any favours. When I started 'recovery', I wasn't setting out to drop weight like this. Of course I still wanted to, but a big part of it was learning to feel comfortable and happy and the weight I was at because I thought I'd stay there forever without being able to turn to starvation. However, now I know I can drop weight and still eat, I feel like I can't possibly call myself 'someone in recovery from an eating disorder'. I feel like I'm a cheat, having one foot in each pool. I honestly don't believe you can lose weight with a totally healthy mindset ever again once you've had an ED. Perhaps years and years afterwards, but not 3 months after you've decided to recover. 'Partial' recovery is not an option.

So, without further ado, I am going clarify a few essential truths, about this blog and about me.

I am *not* in recovery. I need to stop lying to myself about this. I will recover when I feel comfortable and steady enough with my weight that I can stop counting calories, and looking at the scale, and forming dysfunctional ideas about how numbers equate to happiness and freedom.

And whether or not my current eating habits are disordered, my main interest in this blog is to lose weight and feel happier (and healthier). I may not be going about it in a completely 'normal' way - but this is as normal as I can muster right now, and it's a lot less dangerous than the way I was going before.

If you're trying to recover and for any reason find this triggering (and no longer want to read this blog), you're welcome to step away now. This is the way my head is at the moment, and there's not much I can do about it I'm afraid.

So, *breather* all that having been said - I stepped on the scales this morning, and I weighed 136.6. I have not been this weight since I was 15. Things appear to be progressing.