Misery is a butterfly

I'm being a terrible blogger at the moment. I have basically nothing to update you beautiful people on, and I have hardly caught up on anyone's blogs D: I'm sorry! I do read most of your posts though, even if I'm not commenting. Sometimes I'm just not in the right mindset to give anyone advice or cheer them up :(

I sound depressed... I'm not really, just anxious. I have a really big coursework deadline for next Thursday: my English literature essay, which must clock up 6000 words. Yikes. I also have to do half my English language coursework, and make a start on my new art book. My interview went well and I think I stand a good chance at being offered, but I'm terrified I won't get the grades, and will have to spend the next year in London feeling like a big fat failure. I will not be able to hack it. Life will just become a black hole. I know it will. University will be my one escape.

I'm bored with this weight, too. 138-139 lbs is not a bad weight to stabilise at in my books, but it's really starting to piss me off. I've been 138.something for a week now. I'd like to at least see a new number. And all I'd need to do is just drop 100 calories or so, and I'd see some changes, but honestly, I'm getting way too used to these high intakes. I feel like it can't be real, like one day I'll wake up and it'll all have been a trick... I will have put on 5 pounds overnight like a huge slap in the face.

I have way too many fears at the moment. But there is one good thing looming on the horizon, which is surgery. It may be feasible to have my tonsils out a week on Monday, which would mean that all the nasty illness/hospital/pain stuff will be out the way by the end of Easter. I am terrified, of pain and of being back in hospital, but at the same time I'm secretly thrilled sick at all the weight I'm going to lose. I wish I wasn't. It makes me feel like my ED still has a grip on me. But I can't help it. Besides the inevitable weight loss, I'm also looking forward to being able to get on with my life without worrying that I'll have an acute attack of tonsillitis at any random moment. It really has been miserable; I will be so much happier once they are out. Imagine having to go through that at uni!

Food, food, food... I love being able to eat this much, and I love that my metabolism is back to normal. But, oh how I'm scared at how long it'll take to get this back after surgery. I won't be able to snap back into it. Scrupulous building-up of calories will have to ensue. 50 cals extra each day. Boring boring boring. I hate how difficult this has to be.

I'm going to crawl into bed. Knackered. Up tomorrow morning to begin work on The Essay Of Death. x