What I want...
Sometimes, I want to be grounded. I want to eat well, stay away from junk food, exercise, and be healthy. I want a nice stable social life, good grades, a good work ethic, a solid and wholesome relationship with my body, maybe a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and a warm winter jacket.
But then there are these other times, where all I want to do is wreck myself. Get drunk and smash things up. Take out my rage. Go around town in ripped tights smoking myself silly. Kissing people, leading them on, but never letting anyone get too close; playing the game. I want to starve and starve and have my bones sticking out. I want to be dizzy from morning to night. I want to live on lollipops and cigarettes, and diet coke. I want to mess everything up for myself because I don't deserve any of it and nothing is real anyway, so what's the point.
I want to be the skinny girl with a ridiculous metabolism. I want a BMI of 18.5, with the ability to eat whatever I want without putting on a pound. I want other girls to look at me ask 'where does she put it?' - I want guys to look at me and think, 'finally, a chick who isn't on some stupid diet.' I want to be able to roll my eyes at what I once was.
But other times, all I want is to be a pixie like Edie, with the grace of a long-limbed spider and the appetite of a sylph. I want boy short hair and big luscious eyes you could drown in. I want to be a fascinating creature who never eats and never sleeps and is unbreakable, yet so, so fragile.
I'm so confused.
i totally think those girls are a myth. yeah they may look like they eat what they want when they want, but i bet it's all just a front, and secretly they're counting calories and working out like the rest of us :)
ReplyDeletei hope so anyway, otherwise it's just not fair D: xxxx
I wish I was skinny enough (and pretty enough for that matter) to have short hair and look like a pixie.
ReplyDeleteI want a BMI of 18.5.
Beatiful post, I think it captures the way a lot of us feel, including myself.