Ranty ranty rant

(Warning: Long post that goes into boring ranty detail. Read at your own peril.)

Still at 140. Being at this number is making me really miserable, especially since I was in the 130s at the beginning of this week. Guess I need to start eating less again.

I had my sister over for supper. It was good to see her, as always, and I was thrilled to see she'd dyed her hair back to her natural colour, which is a sort of mousy-auburny brown. She'd been going round with horrific frazzled-looking bleach blonde/orangey hair for weeks so I'm glad she's finally seen sense! We sat on the green and I had (tut tut) a naughty cigarette with her, and a non-fat mocha frappuccino. Those things are God, I swear. They only have about 130 calories but make you feel like you've drunk a litre of chocolate milkshake. Best diet food (drink?) ever.

Then we had some supper with my mum and finally drove her back in the evening. I always feel such an intense mixture of sadness and happiness whenever she comes over. Mainly because I know everyone is treading on eggshells when she's here - she only bothers to come about once or twice a month, and we're so cautious not to fuck it up by causing any accidental arguments (she's very easily provoked by things and when that happens... well, she turns into a bitch, to say the least). So the effect of that, sometimes, is that it feels fake. Like we're all trying to be happy in this bleak situation, and failing at it. I also feel sad because I know it'll be a while until I see her again. She is crap at sticking to things, rarely makes the effort to see my mum and usually I have to travel to see her, not the other way round. She's my fifteen year old sister and sometimes, all I want, is to have her living with me. Like a normal family. Even if we argued every day, at least I would feel like we were part of the same unit. My whole family is scattered... I don't even know if I have one any more.

To make matters worse, my mother is in a really weird mood. Last night when she got back from work she wouldn't stop crying, and kept telling me to go away when I tried to comfort her and ask her what was wrong. All of today, she was bitter and aggressive about everything, made sarcastic comments whenever I was with her, tried to pick fights with me at every opportunity and was generally just very difficult to be around. I understand how upsetting her situation is: the man she was with for 30 years has now gone off and had a baby with someone he hardly knows, and is now living with that woman and my sister, who didn't know any better than to go and live with him in order to spite my mum. Yes, we've both been through a load of shit, and this is just the tip of the ice berg. But I feel like she completely disregards all the good things in her life. She is dating a really nice guy who is nothing like my father; she is working at the moment and earning a bit of money - and she has at least one daughter who will stick by her side no matter what, always be there to talk to her and cheer her up, and who loves her to pieces (that's me, in case you didn't get that).

I feel like a total hypocrite, because I know from first-hand experience that sometimes it doesn't matter if things are going right. If you're depressed, you're depressed, whether it's circumstantial or not. But over the past few days she has taken so much out on me, been so nasty and hurtful towards me for no reason, and made me feel completely unwanted.

Some examples of things she's said to me since yesterday:

Her: What your father has done to this family is appalling. He's corrupting your sister. He probably encouraged her to start smoking as well.

Me: Mum, that's ridiculous, he didn't encourage her to start smoking. He hates that she smokes.

Her: Oh, so you're defending him now? Is that right? Well, why don't you just go and pack your bags and live with him then? I'm sure you'd love that. Oh, and you can become best friends with his girlfriend while you're at it, how about that?

Me: Mum, I really hate the way you're talking to me. If you're upset we can talk about it but please don't take it out on me like this, I don't deserve it.

Her: Stop talking to me in that stupid sanctimonious way. You're not superior to me, stop acting like it.

Her: You never fucking wash up. Why? You live here too, you're an adult, why do I have to do everything? You live in this house too. It's costing me a fortune to rent. And I wouldn't be having to shell out all this money to live here if you didn't live with me.

Me: So you're making me feel guilty for living with you? Thanks. In case you haven't noticed, I'm still a teenager under your primary care, and I'm in full time education. What do you want me to do, support myself?

Her: I just think everything that's happened with you is really doing me in. All the time, it's a drama. First you won't get out of bed because you're depressed, waste me and your father's money by not going into school, then you get ill, now you probably won't be able to take exams, and what will happen then? You'll be living here for another year, lying in bed all the time, you won't get a job... Why is everything in my life so shit? I don't deserve this...

And it goes on, and on, and on. When I ate a handful of dried goji berries as a snack, she told me I should stop eating all day long because I 'didn't want to gain weight, did I?'. When I got into the car to go to the surgery for my blood test results, she told me I was wearing 'far too much make-up' even though I was wearing less than I usually do. After my appointment, when we were near the pharmacy, she said she wanted to go in alone and didn't want me to 'follow' her. When I asked her why, she told me to fuck off and that it was none of my business. When she decided to call her friend on the phone, she came into my bedroom and asked me to shut my door, because she didn't want me to hear what she was saying. When I came downstairs during her phonecall to get a glass of water and my laptop charger, she immediately went upstairs to her room. When I went back up to my room, she took the phone downstairs again. Et cetera.

The list of difficult things she's done and said goes on. I want to mention that my mother is not a total a-hole; she's had a tough time and can get hysterical occasionally, but she is not normally like this with me. Tonight on the way back from dropping off my sister, she literally ranted at me (at full volume) about every topic under the sun that was irritating her - about me, my dad, money, my A levels, my sister - for twenty minutes straight. I had a headache at the end of it. Now she's in her room in some sort of adolescent sulk, and I just feel terribly lonely and sad and dreadful. It's like trying to deal with a totally unreasonable person. Everything I say, she takes it the wrong way and jumps down my throat. If I ask if she's OK, I'm being patronising. If I mention my father, I'm automatically 'on his side', or 'against' her. Paranoia, to the max.

Jesus. Sorry. I had to get that all out. 

I am going to sleep now. I feel so rubbish. I emailed my English teacher everything I had done (about 1500 words of abstract, mish-mash ideas and ground I want to cover in my essay). He sent me one back saying he was extremely pleased I'd got anything done at all. (Secretly expecting me to fail?) He also gave me a list of points to reinforce my essay plan. He said he thinks I will be able to produce a strong final draft by the deadline of April 17th.

More work, now. Art and language and this essay. Coursework galore.