Day 5 & 6
The psychiatrist gave me her diagnonsense at the eating disorders clinic this morning. Apparently my eating problems are currently no threat to me because I have advanced innate skills and a stronger survival instinct than most which will help me keep my weight under control and my sanity afloat despite suffering from ED-NOS and dealing with a multitude of childhood trauma and I will be fine once I get released into the real world and cease trying to be the mediating presence in my fucked-up family set up.
So yeah. I may just be discharged, after 5 months of pouring out my fucking soul all for one pointless lengthy assessment of my current psychological state and report of my dysfunctional past that merely determines 'I will be OK eventually'.
Well, as it stands, I aim to lose 30 mother-effing pounds by the end of the year. Take that, exceedingly high built-in survival instinct.
142.0 lbs this morning. I hit 141.6 yesterday (Sunday), which gave me a good boost, but unfortunately I ruined it with delicious street party food and lots of alcohol. My plan is not to be an ounce above 137 by the time I leave, next Monday. I hear we will have the luxury of a pool in America, and with the heat and all the swimming during the day (and only eating out in the evenings) I may actually stand a chance at dropping some on holiday. I can just imagine the thrill of coming back to London on the 1st of August, and weighing in at some delightful all-new weight. That would be amazing. I really DO NOT want to gain weight while I am there. I think that would be utterly pointless and a waste of July if I'm being honest.
What's the point in having fun if when the fun ends, you're up half a stone? No point, I hear you reply, and yes, you are very right.
PS. Charlie is already down to 118 and has lost all appetite. Fuck my life.
Wow I would be really pissed if they told me oh you will be okay. your eating disorder is not that serious. What assholes.
ReplyDeleteYour trip sounds like it is going to be amazing. I wish you the best of luck in reaching your weight goal by then and to have some killer fun.
I was smiling this whole post besides the doctor part and now charlie. She shall not beat you. You are going to make a come back. Sneak in there and steal the spotlight, the weight loss spotlight.
Hey Gabby, it kind of sucks to go all through all this shit and then have them say that there's nothing wrong. I'm sure the experience is much different for you personally than it is from their diagnostic perspective.
ReplyDeleteGood luck in achieving your goal hun and take care. I hope you have fun in America!
Alice xx
I love that, "diagnonense." Sorry I've been missing for so long, but life has been nuts. I'm still following along, though! As usual. Also, have a great time in America! It would be amazing if somehow we happened to be in the same city and accidentally walked past each other (not that we'd know, of course). Granted, I'd hate for you to see me the way I am now, eating for two as I am these days, but it would still be awesome to think that we brushed past each other. Good luck!
ReplyDelete<3.