I am self-sabotaging due to the stress of going away next week... if I get to go away, that is. The passport office have no spaces and if I can't get one by the end of the week, I'm screwed and I can't go away. I need to get out of this place. No offence to any of my friends, or my mother, or any of that. I love them dearly and I love spending time with them. But I have this fantasy, about just disappearing until August (inevitable with the holiday) and then when I finally show my face next month, I'll be pounds lighter, and much much happier. Maybe I am pinning my hopes too high. But that is the fantasy.
People seem to forget that even though I am very sociable, I am a loner at heart. I like being by myself, in my own space, alone with my own thoughts, (sometimes) - and left to my own devices. I have never relied on others to make me feel OK. As a child and young teenager, before I really got 'popular' in any way, I sat alone for hours and days and spent whole holidays by myself, and was very happy that way. Social demand scares me. I reach a point where I feel I can't give people what they want, and then I just feel stressed about it. It's not even an anxiety thing. It's purely the fact that I require solid blocks of time by myself and sometimes, going out for 6 consecutive nights drinking with my best friends is just the last thing I want to do.
I need to start restricting again. I have been concentrating too much on what foods to eat rather than how much of it I am actually consuming. It's time for calorie counting to come back into action. 500-800 calories from here on out. Easy peasy. And if I exceed that I have to compensate the next day.
Holy arms :o
I hope you feel better soon.. I am the same.. I dont mind solitude.. I hope things pick up and wow.. what uni do you want to go to? or is that tmi.. Well done anyway.. Lots of love <3 xx
ReplyDeleteSounds like you need some space right now. I understand where you are coming from just because my sister is like that. When she gets in that space it is best to back down. Like you said she will start stressing and she gets kind of mean. I don't like her when she is mean.
ReplyDeleteI hope everything goes okay so you can go on the trip. Just because the trip itself sounds like fun to me. Forgive me, I have not been on a trip in like 3 years and can't see my family this year because I am broke.
As for school you should be proud. I am sure you can think of something else great to do in the year 2013 that will make you happy and further you in reaching the goals you have in life.
I understand completely about the sociability vis-a-vis solitude. I'm at a point now where, for the first time, I actually have friends (okay, a friend) of my own and we're always talking or doing things over the workday and I slowly feel as though I'm losing so much of myself which I have patiently cultivated over years of being alone - but never lonely. That being said, I should probably get used to it, because there's no way I'll ever be alone again (but I'm excited, too, because it's a different kind of not being alone!). I can also greatly sympathise with the fantasy of going away and coming back as almost someone else. I wish you luck with it, because very often it is harder to do than to picture. Just because you leave the place that is stifling you doesn't mean you leave behind the mind which has limited you. I really hope you do return more carefree and happy, but don't forget that we all already think you're beautiful.
ReplyDelete<3.