Mood lifting/the Charlie and Alfie saga continues (epic...)

First off, thank you to all the lovely people who commented on my last post... haha, I think it's hilarious you all think I look smaller than a size 12 (when I look at myself, I think I look too big to fit a size 12 jean). And just to clarify - that's a UK12 (ie. a US8) so it's really not *that* big here in the UK. The smallest size I ever fit was a UK8/US4 and that's extremely small for someone of 5'9" with naturally 36-inch hips. Needless to say I am working to get back there.

I was 142.8 this morning which gave me a little boost as it wasn't in the dreaded 143s... possibly the most de-motivational thing to see the minute you wake up. I finally feel like my mood is lifting after the past few days of feeling awful, and today might just be the day I get my shit together. I am not going to America until late next week due to the passport issue, so I've got a few extra days to get my body looking OK again, and to stick around for Alfie's birthday :D I should really buy him a present but I'm thinking of something a little more... special, shall we say - to give him :)

Last night Charlie absolutely went for us both, though. I saw her in the afternoon and we actually had a good chat. She said she felt very hurt that Alfie wasn't 'making the effort to be friends with her' as he'd promised. I told her it was still very fresh ground, they'd only broken up a week ago, and as far as I could tell, he'd been making plenty of effort in that area, a little more than most would, actually. He has spoken to her every day since they broke up checking if she's been alright and she's been the one telling him to leave her alone... so it's a case of wanting to have her cake and eating it, to the max.

Then miraculously over the few hours between me seeing her off, and Caro and Alfie coming round in the evening, she decided that we were all evil, and sent Alfie a stream of what can only be described as abusive texts over the course of the evening. We (me, Caro, Alfie) were all sat in my local restaurant trying to have a nice meal... and she's texting him non-stop swearing at him and telling him what a fake person he is and how he doesn't care about her and how he's an arsehole... it goes on and on. Me and Caro tell him to shut his phone off but he can't, because he's also expecting to hear from his dad, who is abroad at the moment. Then Alfie shows me his phone and she's brought me into the argument, saying that it was 'wrong' of him to hang out with me, and all our other friends, without inviting her along (despite the fact that she happily excludes herself from all our social plans). Last week, Alfie came over on his way back from sport to crash and catch up on sleep before he had to head in the opposite direction. He didn't have time to go home, it was nothing with any meaning to it - my mum actually offered that he sleep in her bed, it was that laid-back. The guy is sleep-deprived. So somehow she heard about this and started bringing it up, saying it was utterly immoral that he sleep at mine, and that she couldn't believe she'd never realised how fake and duplicitous he was before.

Now, let me explain something if I can. Alfie isn't really the type of guy who lets anger get the better of him. He's possibly one of the calmest, most gentle and level-headed people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, and it takes a lot to wind him up. But last night, you could just see it was getting to him. He even went to 'get some air' while we were in the restaurant, and when I went outside to see if I could go and calm him down, he was gone. He didn't return for about 10 minutes and when he sat back down he looked appallingly hurt, like I've never seen that expression on him, ever.

Later, when my friends went home, I came back, prickling all over and messaged Charlie, very calmly asking if I could talk to her. All I was intending to do was tell her she'd gone the wrong way about telling Alfie her feelings, because he'd been absolutely stung by whatever she'd said to him. You know, I'm a feminist myself but I hate those girls who are just like 'all men are arseholes'. I have my own hold-ups about males in general, having had some pretty fucked up relationships with several in my life time, and being naturally inclined towards distrusting them can see girls' points of view when they say they have a hard time putting faith in men. But she'd set her status to 'there are too many arseholes in the world' - and it just made my blood boil. At the end of the day, regardless of recent developments in my relationship with Alfie, he is my friend, and I do care very deeply about him. And any person who calls him an arsehole - even if I have had a long-standing friendship with said person - goes down in my bad books.

She replied pretty curtly, saying, 'I don't really think that's necessary'. I was sitting around for an hour with a bottle of Jägermeister wondering what the hell I'd done since she was in my living room at 5pm, having a cup of tea with me and my mother.

We had a rather brutal exchange - well, brutal on her part - and I won't repeat the whole conversation for the sake of keeping this post at an acceptable length, but it culminated in her aggressively berating me for letting Alfie 'hang onto me' over the past week, as she put it, when 'she was the one who needed the attention' seeing as she'd barely eaten 'more than once a day since they broke up'. Now, before that I'd kept very calm but I felt then was the moment to put my foot down. As someone who has suffered pretty serious eating issues in the past and still struggles, I find the fact that she was using her lack of eating to guilt-trip both me and Alfie, highly offensive. I told her this, and wished her good night, because I simply couldn't deal with any more abuse from someone who I consider a 'best friend'. What a shame, that someone whom I've invested such a great deal of time in, has just turned around and thrown it back in my face. What a huge 'fuck you'... or just the verbal equivalent of being beaten up by someone you know and love.

Anyway, she apologised, blamed it on her being paranoid, yadda yadda. I don't even care anymore. I'm just pissed off with her, as you can probably imagine.

But besides that, my mood is lifting - I don't know why, but it is. I woke up, made myself a cup of coffee, and went outside with a blanket, some music and a cigarette. My cat came to curl up on my lap and I just chilled by myself with a smoke for 15 minutes, it was nice. My mum gave me a few of these posh chocolates she got given by one of her pupils, and I never really eat that sort of thing, so I didn't bother declining. So today I've eaten 3 small chocolates (very much worth it), and a cup of coffee with soymilk. I used sugar in my coffee as we've run out of sweetener... so I'm rounding all that up to 250. Later, I'm going cinema with Caro, where I'll probably just get a diet coke. After that we're migrating to Bash's to meet Tina and Alfie and then we're gonna have a PAAARTAYYY. No food for me.

Hope you girls are well. So sorry for the length of this post. Have some apologetic Kate Bosworth in a bikini.