I'm an absolute failure

I don't think I've ever binged for this long in my entire life. Apart from that one hideous stretch of time after I started psychotherapy, where I literally overate for about 4 months straight on account of my therapist's suggestion, and ballooned from an almost-underweight 124 lbs to a borderline-overweight 156 lbs. Worst year of my life. Is is too much to ask for just to have one good day? And possibly two?

145 on the scales this morning - a number I hadn't seen in a really long time, and for good reason. Horrendous. 145 would probably make Rebecca promptly puke up her lunch of salad and diet coke.

Today *could* have been OK. I started off with a healthy (ish) breakfast. Cheese and dijonaise toastie, fresh blueberries and strawberry yogurt, coffee with a dash of vanilla soymilk. Very French and very filling. So why is it, only two hours later, that I am sitting here, bingeing on a jumbo bag of peanut M&Ms? So my bingeing has started in the afternoons now - fabulous. Tina and I are going Starbucks at 6. If I can hold out till then - just four measly hours - and stick to a low-calorie iced coffee drink when I get there, I could end the day at <1500 calories, which would be a vast improvement from yesterday (closer to 2000). Following that, I can start to ease my body back into dieting. 1000 would be a good, round number to aim for. I don't think shocking my body is the answer - and it's not like I could just snap successfully back into restriction at this moment in time, anyway. I'd be fooling myself if I thought I could.

The worst thing about all this - and probably what has (in part) caused this ballooning of weight - is my current inability to sh*t due to all the disgusting antibiotics I have been taking. I'm not joking - I haven't properly been in days. So I have all this lovely food rotting inside me, and my stomach, I kid you not, looks like it's at LEAST 4 months pregnant. Even though I am by no means skinny, due to my wide hips I've been blessed with a flat stomach for most of my adolescence, at both high and low weights. So when I bloat, it pretty much takes away the one thing I feel OK about. Thank God I come off them tomorrow. And I can have a fucking drink

Ooh! I almost forgot. Yesterday, I was literally depressed all day long, mostly because I felt like a useless lump, except for in the evening when I helped my mother with some of her tax/account sums and it made me feel like I was actually a useful presence. Then I cheered up because Zara finally put up the photos from my leaver's ball :) I thought I'd show you all a picture of my outfit as I promised one back in June, so here we go. Note One: I like to dress like an elf, even to prom, and Note Two: I'm blanking out my face for obvious anonymity reasons. Just pretend I'm really beautiful.

It's quite comforting to know I was only like 5 lbs less than I am today in those pictures, and I know how piss-easy it is to get back to 140 (it's getting back into the 130s that's the real bitch). So it filled me with a little hope.