Metamorphosis strike 1

I couldn't stop crying last night. Like, actually couldn't stop. I went into major depressive mode... Alfie obviously picked up on how upset I was over text and actually drove over to mine at 2am to calm me down and hold me until I cried myself to sleep on his shoulder in bed. When I woke up at 4am briefly, and rolled over, he was gone, and I was so out of it I presumed it had all been a dream. I went straight back to sleep and woke up at midday with a terrible headache and some sort of crying hangover, equally discombobulated but much calmer.

The scales read 142.8, then 143.6, and kept going back and forth between the two so I'm going with the higher number. I've had around 800 calories today and will probably stop here... maybe I'll have a drink later, I don't know. I will be happy with 142 flat tomorrow morning. Then I can get my ass in gear for 140 on the first of the month, when I will have 2 weeks exactly before operation time, a surefire guarantee for me to drop a shit ton of weight.

In those 2 weeks, I need to change myself. I need to transition from one state to another. I don't like myself right now, at all. I'm too big, for a start, but that's a given. I feel pathetic... weak, even, and that's not an emotion I like to indulge, especially when I have everyone around me telling me I'm 'strong' to have gone through so much shit and come out the other side in one piece. I'm fed up of looking normal, I guess. A distinct part of me still wants to look sick so that my body can match the state of my mind. I've felt this way for years but it still hasn't happened. Everyone else seems to be able to do it, so logistically, I should be able to too, right? And if the girl I mentioned in my last post (the one I went to school with) and Charlie are anything to go by, suddenly dropping weight at this age is far from impossible. I just need to get myself back into the right mindset and I'll be sorted.

In this two-week interlude, I propose a moratorium on binge-eating (of course) but that is really going to be the tip of the iceberg. My goal is to lose 10 lbs before the surgery, but to keep calories at a moderate rather than low level. This will ensure that once I come out of surgery, I will drop the maximum amount of weight as my body will be in shock mode from the calorie deficit.

I am going to completely turn my personality around over the next month. Not so much who I am, so to speak, because I feel like my fundamental inner core or whatever the fuck you wanna call it, is actually worth keeping. But I need to alter my spirit and my reactions to things. I also need to keep my feelings under wraps, and instead of spilling my guts out to people and wearying myself with crying, I will allow my emotions to manifest themselves in a more aesthetic presentation - expressing any wretchedness through way of make-up, clothing, and physical form.

I am going to call this first two-week stretch Metamorphosis, strike 1. In strike 1 I will peel off the first layer, shed 10 lbs of both physical and visceral weight. By the time I am done recovering from my operation, I wish myself to be quite different. I will not be less of a person but I will have removed several layers of shit that I really feel it's time to leave behind. I want next year to mean something, I would like to turn it into a work of art and I aim to be a part of my own artistic project. I want to have beautiful conversations with beautiful people, surround myself with dynamism and exuberance, dance all the time and dress myself in fantastic clothes. I want people to be drawn to me like moths to a flame because I am impossible to turn away from. And I feel like right now, I can't do any of those things... I can't be inspired or inspire others, because I'm just a blob with very little meaning to her life, someone who is carrying around too much extra baggage. Which is why I need to undergo some sort of transformation. I do not want to hit 19 looking or feeling like this. No fucking way.

I don't know if any of this makes sense and I certainly don't expect anyone who reads this to be on the same wavelength as me, or even to understand. I am viewing it as an experiment on myself, to see how far I can push things. My sanity, perhaps. I do not aim to become insane, rather take myself to the brink of sanity to see how it looks over there. I am also interested to see how people treat me once I become different. I would like to see if I become deader or more alive. And most fervently, perhaps, I am longing to find out if I will feel happier.

That's all... I'll be charting my progress and observations in my black book.