Strange kettle of fish

I love my internship. I feel heartbroken that I have to finish work next Thursday, and I'm also dreading my birthday a little bit. Because I'm turning 20, and that means I should probably have lost some weight by now. Which I haven't. Evidently.

The idea of Fresher's is also freaking me out. Because it was sort of my aim to be tiny be then, and I'm not tiny, I'm 148 lbs. Fuck.

Trying to get the weight off isn't really working out either... I had coco pops for breakfast. Not exactly gonna shed the pounds eating chocolate before 11am, am I? I should probably start living off soup and salad for the next two weeks, with the small chance that I might actually weigh under 140 by the time uni starts. But I probably can't be bothered. I don't know. Maybe it will be easier when I actually get there. Maybe I'll grow up and realise that 5 packets of crisps at 2am won't get me anywhere, but then again who knows... it's the unpredictability that gets me, and of course the dreaded 'Freshman Fifteen' constantly lurking at the back of my mind.

The weird thing is, I've realised that I don't actually like food anymore. Well, maybe I don't like the food I eat anymore. These days, there are only a few staple items I still derive pleasure from consuming*, and they hardly constitute the perfect diet. I'm constantly after the ULTIMATE flavour, the 'perfect food'... something that's cheap, low-cal, satisfies all my cravings and fills me up. But that doesn't exist. Does it? I used to think soup was the perfect food for the fact that it was cheap, yummy and low-cal. But I can't be bothered to make soup, because it's not that great. It doesn't make my taste buds explode, and I probably don't get much satisfaction from it besides temporarily warming up. Then there are things like sushi, which obviously taste amazing and are satisfying, but it's rarely cheap, and I don't know any uni student that can afford to live off a diet primarily made up of vegetarian sushi. You'd think that because I'm disinterested in food, I'd be eating less. But I'm not. I'm eating more than ever, shovelling things in, hoping they'll satisfy my oral fixation. I eat a lot of crisps and chocolate these days, which isn't great. I try and replace it with raw almonds and dried fruit and things that may have some health benefit, but it's not the same. I'm obsessed with salt. Something has to be really salty or sweet for me to be satisfied. It's ridiculous.

Anyway, a bit up in arms, but coping. Need to buy kitchenware today. Super fun. I'm happy to be back on this blog, though. It's a comfort.

*These items would probably comprise of: Starbucks coffee (namely sugar-free vanilla soy cappuccinos, and gingerbread lattes, which aren't actually out yet as it's still technically summer). Goats' cheese, walnut and honey salads, which I don't think you can even buy in London... hangover from LA, I guess. Diet coke, copious amounts, must be ice cold (and preferably in a tall McDonalds cup with a straw). Pumpkin croquette, inari nigiri and edamame boxes from Wasabi, which cost a small fortune. And menthol cigarettes. Of course. I suck.

The College Food Pyramid

General rant... I don't think my body is capable of maintaining. I fluctuate so damn much that it's near impossible to stick to anything and I get so disheartened when I think I'm maintaining, then suddenly I'm back up the scale without much explanation, and get triggered into binge eating again. Sigh. How are you?

I rarely post on this blog anymore. It's sad because I used to write avidly on here, documenting every incremental change on the scale, every moment, every feeling. Honestly, sometimes I actually use my archives to remember when stuff happened. I think all my major life events starting from late 2011 up to the present date are documented on here, which is insane.

I'm 147.8 lbs right now. That's horrible. I don't even have time to get upset about it, though. My work schedule is hectic and demanding as hell. I didn't think I was even capable of working this hard. I finish next Thursday, then Friday it's my birthday. And that, readers, is terrifying.