Here I am, morning after, I'm up 2 lbs and a little depressed about it, but I'm trying not to let it get to me too much. Almost took a bunch of laxatives last night but decided against it and instead, I fell straight asleep.

Tonight is New Year's. Isn't it weird how tomorrow is 2012? I'm going to a house party with some friends tonight. Maybe I'll write about it tomorrow. I'm planning on getting fucked up. I can have unlimited spirits as I don't ever seem to gain weight from them. To be honest I don't really want to eat anything there. I will just smoke lots instead and drink a shit ton of vodka, that always seems to help.

Well I'm trying not to come down on myself like a ton of bricks about this but... I binged. It wasn't really a proper binge (trust me, my worst binges have been 4,000 calories +, this was only like 500) - but it was all unhealthy stuff and late at night, which is the worst. I came back from babysitting and just had this massive urge to eat everything in the fridge. Ugh

I've lost 6 pounds already. That's like two pounds a day. I'm getting way better results from this thing than I thought I would. I know my weight loss will slow down as the numbers get lower, but this is definitely a good start. Also, I've come off my period (oversharing, sorry) which probably contributed to dropping some of that dreaded water weight.

After school my friends and I hung out in a Starbucks near Central then perused the sales for an hour. I hate clothes shopping but its mostly just an excuse to look at ourselves in the mirror and bitch about other people at school. My standard uniform for school is black leggings or a skirt with tights/Docs and a baggy jumper/big coat. Mostly black. Mostly to hide and avoid hassle in the mornings rather than to make some kind of fashion statement.

Intake:

Egg whites w low fat cheese & tomatoes (130)

1 white toast w light spread (60)

16oz white hot chocolate w nonfat milk (360) - GOD IN A MUG

5 cigarettes & a Coke zero (0)

Salt & vinegar crisps (150)

Lemon drizzle cake (100)

=800 cal

This afternoon I weighed myself and I am 146.2 lbs so I think the Christmas weight is finally working its way off.

Intake:

2 wholemeal toast w lemon spread & a fat free yogurt (250)

Lemon drizzle cake (150)

7up free (0)

Ready Salted crisps (175)

Mixed salad w fat free honey mustard dressing (100)

=675 cal

I eat sporadically throughout the day so that my metabolism doesn't crash. We don't really have big sit-down family meals since I live with my mum (who doesn't eat very much herself) and so I can pretty much eat what I please without being pestered about it. It's quite nice.

I'm sorry, I know these posts are boring. But I'm not really doing much at the moment, not going out or anything, just working for school (starts next Thursday, blah)

Escape from reality

148.0 lbs, ick. I need to get back down the scale fast. I know it's going to be fairly impossible to get to 136 by next Thursday, unless by some miracle of God I got food poisoning and couldn't eat for the next week. However I believe 143 is a reasonable aim. If I stick to this diet I should be able to get there.

Today was a lazy day. My sister left again yesterday evening and it upset me far more than it should have done. My eyes are all red and swollen from crying yesterday. I read some of my William Trevor book today to escape from reality.

Intake:

2 scrambled eggs on brown toast w olive spread and ketchup (300)

Lemon drizzle cake (100)

Apple (50)

Diet coke (0)

1 light Swiss cheese on wholemeal bread w mayo (150)

= 600 cal

I have no idea what I weighed today. Good news: last night was the best night's sleep I've had in literally months. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow and slept until noon.

Intake:

-6 scrambled egg whites w cottage cheese & ketchup (150)

-Pepsi Max (0)

-Salt & Vinegar crisps (176)

-Lemon drizzle cake (160)

486 cal

500 cals is my limit. It's boxing day and there was so much leftover food hanging around. My mum made pancakes for my sister for brunch and I just had a ton of scrambled egg whites instead/ I also skipped dinner because they were eating roast gammon. So overall, a pretty successful day.

New years

147.8 lbs. Still bad but at least it's not 150. I can't tell you how much seeing that number freaked me out yesterday.

Happy Christmas all... x

Scrooge post

150 freaking pounds. I feel like dying. I can't wait till Christmas is over.

Tomorrow will be my first vegetarian Christmas.....  

Last night I went out for drinks with Charlie. It cheered me up but I feel a little rough this morning. I haven't weighed myself but judging by the way my body feels (and the fact that I just got my period) I know I haven't lost any weight.  

Oh tomorrow I get to see my sister! I haven't seen her for ages. It's so weird not having my younger sister living at home but I am getting used to it. I suppose our relationship is better, in a way, now that we don't have arguments all the time. It's still odd though.

I know this is a quick one, sorry, I'll update later if I find anything else to say. I'm a little down at the moment, I feel like I'm going through a break up with the whole my-best-friend-just-ditched-me issue... but hopefully I'll be able to get through and feel stronger soon.

R (best friend) ended things over the phone last night. It was possibly the cruellest, most callous way to end it. Right before fucking Christmas and she hardly gave me a chance to speak. It was the accumulation of a lot of problems (that she'd created) that she was trying to lay on me. She said she didn't have time for my 'petty social drama' anymore and that she couldn't be my friend this year. The girl is a nut job. Then she politely told me to have a nice holiday, and hung up.

This morning, I've had three hours sleep. My whole night was plagued by insomnia and bad dreams. I have no appetite. The idea of eating, for the sake of eating, makes me feel sick. I can't believe I will have to go back to school with her in January and suffer a whole two terms' worth of hell because she'll be ostracizing and ignoring me. I just want to die. And Charlie won't even be there as she's transferring schools.

The only thing left to do is starve it all away.I need the comfort of withdrawal and starvation. I am too sad to eat.

No words

Binged.

Badly.

Fuck everything.

Louder than bells

I woke up today at half past 2. I feel pretty damn groggy. I need caffeine but there is none in the house and I look like hell so I can't be bothered to go down the road.

Despite not feeling hungry (whatsoever) upon waking, I still made some oatmeal (115 cals) very begrudgingly in the kitchen. I put a tablespoon of strawberry jam in (35 cals). It tasted like rice pudding which I guess is good or bad depending on which way you look at it. 

//EDIT: (intake)

Oatmeal packet - 115

1 tbsp strawberry jam - 35

3/4 flour tortilla - 90

2 edam - 160

Innocent smoothie - 260

Highlights hot chocolate - 40

Muller light yogurt - 90

1 toast - 95

Calories = 885

I just found when eating all of this today I felt bored and lonely. I miss my friends. I hate work. I'm seeing Charlie tomorrow, so maybe that will make me feel better. I don't know.

The insomnia beast has reared its ugly head yet again, so I've had time to do some thinking. I've decided that when I go back to school in two weeks, I will weigh 136 lbs. This is pretty steep, I realise. But I remember that last year was the Christmas after which a previously 150-lb Charlie had come back at 130 lbs, and we were all drooling over her new svelte figure. (If only we had known how 'svelte' she would eventually become). A little healthy, indirect competition never did anyone any harm. Charlie's not even coming back in January. She's going to a college for the last six months of school. The new goal will mean restricting like mad. I'm only going to eat when my stomach starts to rumble from hunger; otherwise, I'll sip diet coke and water like there's no tomorrow. No bingeing - how hard can it be to hold out two measly weeks??! I want people to notice.

The world is happy without you

My stomach is so swollen and painful. I have consumed far too much yet again. I don't understand what's wrong with me. Why can't I stop bingeing? I'm not bored - I have plenty of things to do. I'm unhappy, but no more unhappy than I normally am. I'm not starved or lacking nutrients or anything that might cause my body to physically rebel. So what the heck is my problem? Is it so hard for me to get to the end of the day and not undo all of my hard work? I guess tomorrow is another Day 1.

Apocalypse

So I weighed myself and it wasn't actually as bad as I thought it would be. I'm 66 kg/146 lbs (BMI 21.6). That's still shit but I thought I'd have ballooned after last night. 

Last night was literally the worst. It took me until about 5.30 a.m. to fall asleep and my alarm was set for 10. Normally I'd sleep in till 3 in the afternoon during holidays (which is what I have been doing up until now) but my mother has decided to go on a rampage about revision and how much work I missed last term, so she's making me get up before lunch and work under her nose. 

God, it looks like the apocalypse outside. The weather in London at this time of year is so gloomy. You wake up in the dark and the second you get used to the light it goes dark again.

I don't know what my aim is here. I guess it's to get as thin as possible but still be attractive and functional, although I know that's a loose goal. Anywhere below 60 kilos and I start to enter the underweight region for my height. I wonder if 55 is too far...

Intro

This blog is going to start the way a lot of these blogs start. Post-binge. Starting tomorrow, I will have exactly 15 days before I go back to school. Fifteen days isn't a lot of time but it will have to do.

Tomorrow I'm going to weigh myself. I'm sure it will be absolutely heinous. I'll be going by the name of G on this blog (for Gabrielle, my second name). Makes things anonymous but not totally impersonal.

I've had disordered eating since I was eleven. At fourteen I was diagnosed as ed-nos and a clinical depressive. More recently, a psychiatrist has told me that because of the recent bingeing/starving/laxative abuse I now lean more to the bulimic side which is always fun.

At eighteen, my 'problem' is finally being addressed, and I'm being referred to an adult outpatient eating disorders clinic after Christmas. I have visions of sitting in group therapy surrounded by thirty year-old anorexics and not knowing what the hell I'm doing there. This may or may not help.

I'm also a vegetarian.

My parents are divorcing - it was horrendous but it will be over in February. My sister of fourteen went to go and live with my father at the beginning of the summer. Me and my mum have to leave our house in a month; two weeks later my dad's stranger of a girlfriend will pop one out the oven. (She got pregnant a month after she met him. I have so much respect for her.)

My friend whom I will refer to as "Charlie" has gone borderline anorexic over the last few months and all I can think about is how great she looks in her skinny jeans.

Last notes, I'm 5'9, still in school (university will happen eventually) and trying I suppose in vain to lose some weight and improve myself without going back over to the dark side. Let's see how it works out.