Paris did exactly what it was supposed to. It calmed me, collected me, and provided me with all the fabulous espressos and Dijon mustard I wanted. I'm back up to 157, but I don't care. It's food weight from the amount of Carambars I consumed yesterday on the journey home. Plus, I hop on a plane tomorrow to LA, and I am getting my ass in gear. My regime there, I have decided, will consist of lots of fresh produce, vegan health foods, green tea, protein shakes and Fiber-One cereal - along with a shit ton of exercise, and daily sweats in the sauna. It'll clear me out, and that's what I need. I need to be cleared out until all the poisonous chaos inside my head is finally swept along with a broom, never to be seen or heard from again.
Alfie texted me today. I didn't respond. I haven't heard from him in over a month, and the things I discovered about him through mutual friends (ones that have my best interests at heart) are hardly tasteful. Caro says I should leave it altogether, and I'm inclined to agree with her. I haven't been treated well, and while in the past there was a definite time and a place for self-destructive, toxic codependency, currently, I'd rather surround myself with people who actually give a damn about my emotional wellbeing. Following that, I am no longer in love with him as I used to be. And so I see very little reason to give him the satisfaction of responding to a complaining, narcissistic, whiny message about how neglected his ego feels.
I'm feeling strong, and like I can grasp the next month with all my strength. I am reading tons, and it's giving me a great distraction from my body. But in Los Angeles I will become whole, at one with myself, and build some armour for my looming late-summer departure. I might... dare I say it,... be changing.
Monday, 24 June 2013
Friday, 14 June 2013
Tears and Triumph
I had hoped that my '1200 calories a day' plan was going to take off, but as usual, being the failure compulsive-eater that I am, I started eating late at night again, and the whole scale tipped off balance. Wednesday night I had the worst waitressing shift of my life... I was alone, catering for a room of 27 'royal guests' by myself, and they were all unbelievably rude to me. Not only that, but I had to carry a ton of heavy crates up and down this big industrial lift, and completely did my back in. When I came home I just cried and cried and stuffed my face, before cancelling the rest of my shifts for this month.
Yesterday I cried all day long, and I'm not even kidding when I say I must have re-applied my makeup around 20 times. I cried the minute I woke up, when I saw Tina for breakfast, when I came back home from seeing Tina; I cried in the car for an hour while waiting for my mum, cried when she came back, cried when I slammed my fingers in a kitchen drawer, and proceeded to cry on and off all evening until there were no tears left to cry.
However, yesterday - despite its awfulness - was the first day in weeks where I didn't binge, or even eat past 8pm at night. I was sitting there in my room with my book, having just had my soup for dinner, waiting for it to happen. And I actually got up and went down to the kitchen at around 10, but stalled myself by making a hot drink, and drinking it outside until the binge urge went away. I haven't been able to control my actions like that in a long time, so I felt proud. And the upside was that I ended up going to bed earlier (midnight, which is freakishly early for me) because I didn't have to wait up to digest any food I'd consumed at 1am, and nor did I have much reason to stay up any longer.
This morning, I'm back down to 155 (I was up to 157 on Wednesday - yuck), and I'm following my mother's advice of eating 3 meals a day with no snacks in between (or more importantly, no snacks after). I have woken up with what I believe from experience is the beginnings of a sinus cold, so I'm calling it a day with the smoking - although this is going to make the 'no snacking' thing fairly difficult, as a cigarette is the next best thing.
I've had a healthy breakfast - fat-free vanilla yogurt with dried fruit and oats, and a Savse raw smoothie with strawberry, orange, celery, kale and spinach (yum). At around 2.30 I'm going to Tina's house for a Buffy marathon. Woop. I'm planning on buying a huge pack of fresh salad and a fat-free dressing, and just munching on that over the course of the afternoon. There will also be coffee, and probably a large amount of diet coke, which is fine. Then this evening I'll either have another lentil soup with grated parmesan, or baked beans, or this low-cal frozen burrito I have at home. And then that will be it. I proved to myself yesterday I didn't need to binge, even when I was feeling upset and lonely all day long. So this evening, I definitely don't need to.
Love, peace and Buffy
<3
Yesterday I cried all day long, and I'm not even kidding when I say I must have re-applied my makeup around 20 times. I cried the minute I woke up, when I saw Tina for breakfast, when I came back home from seeing Tina; I cried in the car for an hour while waiting for my mum, cried when she came back, cried when I slammed my fingers in a kitchen drawer, and proceeded to cry on and off all evening until there were no tears left to cry.
However, yesterday - despite its awfulness - was the first day in weeks where I didn't binge, or even eat past 8pm at night. I was sitting there in my room with my book, having just had my soup for dinner, waiting for it to happen. And I actually got up and went down to the kitchen at around 10, but stalled myself by making a hot drink, and drinking it outside until the binge urge went away. I haven't been able to control my actions like that in a long time, so I felt proud. And the upside was that I ended up going to bed earlier (midnight, which is freakishly early for me) because I didn't have to wait up to digest any food I'd consumed at 1am, and nor did I have much reason to stay up any longer.
This morning, I'm back down to 155 (I was up to 157 on Wednesday - yuck), and I'm following my mother's advice of eating 3 meals a day with no snacks in between (or more importantly, no snacks after). I have woken up with what I believe from experience is the beginnings of a sinus cold, so I'm calling it a day with the smoking - although this is going to make the 'no snacking' thing fairly difficult, as a cigarette is the next best thing.
I've had a healthy breakfast - fat-free vanilla yogurt with dried fruit and oats, and a Savse raw smoothie with strawberry, orange, celery, kale and spinach (yum). At around 2.30 I'm going to Tina's house for a Buffy marathon. Woop. I'm planning on buying a huge pack of fresh salad and a fat-free dressing, and just munching on that over the course of the afternoon. There will also be coffee, and probably a large amount of diet coke, which is fine. Then this evening I'll either have another lentil soup with grated parmesan, or baked beans, or this low-cal frozen burrito I have at home. And then that will be it. I proved to myself yesterday I didn't need to binge, even when I was feeling upset and lonely all day long. So this evening, I definitely don't need to.
Love, peace and Buffy
<3
Monday, 10 June 2013
1200 calories a day keeps the doctor away
As much as I hate to admit it, the past week hasn't been much of a dieting success. I veered hopelessly from restricting to bingeing on alternate days, and the result is that I'm still hovering at 155. I'm honestly getting sick of it - and I want, I need to find my 'happy medium'.
The problem is that I'm impulsive, and the sadder I feel about my weight gain, the more I tend to react with compulsive face-stuffing and constant carb-o-cide. I think my confusion stems from the fact that I can't set my mind to one task, and complete it. I'm perpetually wishy-washy about my goals, undecided on whether I want to ditch 10 lbs, 20 lbs, 40 lbs. Undecided whether or not I want to make the commitment to gaining health, or losing weight. A big part of me is surging for recovery. I'd like to embrace the way I look and move on with more important things, but every skinny girl or magazine ad I see is an ongoing reminder of what I truly 'want', and it's making things very difficult. I've spent the past few months skipping between every diet or calorie-restriction plan in existence, never once stopping to listen to what my body needs. I've encountered short, frequent bursts of 'healthy living', during which I'll eat well, avoid counting calories, choose 'good fats' and 'lean proteins' and 'wholegrain carbs', and attend the gym 4-5 times a week. But they always burn out - I always burn out, because I fall under the illusion that I don't deserve that lifestyle. That I don't deserve to treat myself nicely, go easier on myself, nourish my body. And it's ridiculous, but it's the eating disordered part of my head speaking, and as we all know, that part is more often than not VERY hard to overcome.
I know deep down that if I stop bullying myself over the way I look, and stop depriving my body in accordance, I'll cease to binge and self-destruct in the way I have been doing. This is easier said than done, of course, but I need to give it my best shot - otherwise I'll probably go insane.
The problem is that I'm impulsive, and the sadder I feel about my weight gain, the more I tend to react with compulsive face-stuffing and constant carb-o-cide. I think my confusion stems from the fact that I can't set my mind to one task, and complete it. I'm perpetually wishy-washy about my goals, undecided on whether I want to ditch 10 lbs, 20 lbs, 40 lbs. Undecided whether or not I want to make the commitment to gaining health, or losing weight. A big part of me is surging for recovery. I'd like to embrace the way I look and move on with more important things, but every skinny girl or magazine ad I see is an ongoing reminder of what I truly 'want', and it's making things very difficult. I've spent the past few months skipping between every diet or calorie-restriction plan in existence, never once stopping to listen to what my body needs. I've encountered short, frequent bursts of 'healthy living', during which I'll eat well, avoid counting calories, choose 'good fats' and 'lean proteins' and 'wholegrain carbs', and attend the gym 4-5 times a week. But they always burn out - I always burn out, because I fall under the illusion that I don't deserve that lifestyle. That I don't deserve to treat myself nicely, go easier on myself, nourish my body. And it's ridiculous, but it's the eating disordered part of my head speaking, and as we all know, that part is more often than not VERY hard to overcome.
I know deep down that if I stop bullying myself over the way I look, and stop depriving my body in accordance, I'll cease to binge and self-destruct in the way I have been doing. This is easier said than done, of course, but I need to give it my best shot - otherwise I'll probably go insane.
Wednesday, 5 June 2013
Vodka is the devil
I *may* have got mildly wasted tonight. Okay, I got mildly wasted tonight. In Bash's room, whilst trying on clothes, dancing to music, and smoking Vogues. Somehow, that becomes less classy when you have a laughing fit on the floor in your underwear, then proceed to eat cheesecake, garlic bread, Chinese crackers, and hoummous one after the other whilst trying to justify it with the fact that vodka nearly always dehydrates me and shows a lower reading on the scale the next day.
Sigh.
I was 154.4 lbs this morning, so my weight is actually going down, slowly but surely. (Probably not after tonight, though). I think I need to put some kind of plan in place that isn't a diet but more a sensible eating plan I can stick to and alter if need be. I need to get a routine in my life, even though my life isn't 'routine' - which can be hard sometimes, but there are ways around it. It would be nice to find a way to plummet myself into the 140s by the 15th or so, because I would kill right now even to be 149. This fact makes me feel like a fatty, but it's all psychological, and if I'm 147 or so by the time I leave, I'll be in a better mindset to drop weight on holiday.
PS. Thanks for the advice that you girls gave me on the skates! I'll definitely get a pair. I'm gonna practice in my local park before I go, so that when I get there I know I won't make a total fool out of myself :P
Sigh.
I was 154.4 lbs this morning, so my weight is actually going down, slowly but surely. (Probably not after tonight, though). I think I need to put some kind of plan in place that isn't a diet but more a sensible eating plan I can stick to and alter if need be. I need to get a routine in my life, even though my life isn't 'routine' - which can be hard sometimes, but there are ways around it. It would be nice to find a way to plummet myself into the 140s by the 15th or so, because I would kill right now even to be 149. This fact makes me feel like a fatty, but it's all psychological, and if I'm 147 or so by the time I leave, I'll be in a better mindset to drop weight on holiday.
PS. Thanks for the advice that you girls gave me on the skates! I'll definitely get a pair. I'm gonna practice in my local park before I go, so that when I get there I know I won't make a total fool out of myself :P
Monday, 3 June 2013
Had another good day, despite yesterday's little scale-upset. It's still boiling in London, to the point where it's got uncomfortable attempting to do anything but lie in the sun with music. Chilled in the park with my step bro and sister, ate Haribo, drank diet coke, and lived a little. Today's intake:
-30g bran cereal w/ 1/2 c. soymilk and 1/5 c. raisins (180)
-Elderflower presse (30)
-Haribo (100)
-Diet coke (0)
-Lettuce & sweet chilli tortilla wrap (130)
-Iced Seattle latte (165)
Later, Tina's coming over for sushi, wine and a movie. I'll stick with edamame, and tofu spring rolls, and try to stick to a small portion of Jasmine rice rather than loading up on the carbs. Hoping to be at 150 by the end of the week.
-30g bran cereal w/ 1/2 c. soymilk and 1/5 c. raisins (180)
-Elderflower presse (30)
-Haribo (100)
-Diet coke (0)
-Lettuce & sweet chilli tortilla wrap (130)
-Iced Seattle latte (165)
Later, Tina's coming over for sushi, wine and a movie. I'll stick with edamame, and tofu spring rolls, and try to stick to a small portion of Jasmine rice rather than loading up on the carbs. Hoping to be at 150 by the end of the week.
Sunday, 2 June 2013
I don't know what to do.
I'm so confused, and I don't know how to make sense of everything that's going on in my head right now.
I stayed up all night talking with one of my closest friends about how I've been feeling lately. And half way through the conversation, she tells me she straight up, you need to recover. Not physically per se, but mentally. She tells me I need to let go of all these numbers in my head, all these rules, restrictions, limits I place on myself - otherwise I'll go insane.
The long and short of it is, we had a really in depth/interesting conversation that rotated around society; the 'ideal' we're all cleaving to (which is actually bullshit, because being thin does not necessarily = power, happiness, and sexuality, despite what we're all brainwashed to think); feminism, eating disorders, short and long-term health and happiness. By the end of the night, I was utterly convinced (and yes, it was 3am) that the way forward was to give up this thing once and for all. To let go of weighing, counting, controlling, obsessing, and just live my life free of burden.
I woke up with a new purpose. I didn't step on the scales, I vowed to go according to hunger and the satisfaction that intuitive eating would give me. I had an amazing day - probably the happiest day of this year so far. I spent the afternoon in the sun with my three best girl friends, my sister, and my mum's boyfriend's son (I'll probably start referring to him less-long-windedly in the future as my stepbrother, as that's close to what I now consider him). We got Mexican food, sipped ice-cold frappuccinos on a lawn somewhere, smoked, and dozed off, drenched in light. I caught up with each and every one of them, and nothing was poisoned, or tainted, by my usual worries/anxieties. I just felt... free. Then we all came home sapped of energy but content, and my mum and her boyfriend made us dinner. We all sat around the table like a big happy family, laughing, eating, enjoying our food. It was a perfect day, in my eyes.
Until 11pm, when my head feels clouded suddenly, and I'm possessed to step on those dreaded bathroom scales. And then the perfect mirage was over, the moment I saw 160 flash up at me.
I can't do this. If it's a choice between my happiness/freedom and gaining weight, or mild stress/obsessive self-destructing anxiety and losing just a few pounds, I'm more inclined to take the latter, as awful as that sounds. I CAN'T get heavier. I cannot, will not do it. Not if it means happiness, or better self-confidence... because it will be a deluded happiness. The kind of deluded happiness experienced by fat people who are in love with food and being full and are in complete denial about how they appear to the outside world.
It does matter to me. Okay, I said it. This matters to me. I can't give this thing up. I never ever ever want to see that number on my scales... EVER again. It was like a nightmare. I was 135 lbs this time last year, I can't be up 25 lbs by then, it's just... it's disgusting. Repulsive. Shameful, and totally mortifying.
I don't know what to do. I'm just freaking out. I don't know whether to persevere with 600 calories/day, pretending this blip never happened.
But it DID happen. I experienced life 'on the other side'. And even if it was only for a long afternoon, it made an impact on me, and there's no shutting that off. Ugh.
My knee-jerk reaction is to stem the damage by restricting as much as I can this week, even if it means being rude at social arrangements, or seeing friends between meal times. Because there is no way on this earth that I'm going to exceed 160 lbs in this lifetime. No. Fucking. Way.
Maybe I'm going crazy. Maybe, after all this, I've finally just gone bloody crazy.
I'm so confused, and I don't know how to make sense of everything that's going on in my head right now.
I stayed up all night talking with one of my closest friends about how I've been feeling lately. And half way through the conversation, she tells me she straight up, you need to recover. Not physically per se, but mentally. She tells me I need to let go of all these numbers in my head, all these rules, restrictions, limits I place on myself - otherwise I'll go insane.
The long and short of it is, we had a really in depth/interesting conversation that rotated around society; the 'ideal' we're all cleaving to (which is actually bullshit, because being thin does not necessarily = power, happiness, and sexuality, despite what we're all brainwashed to think); feminism, eating disorders, short and long-term health and happiness. By the end of the night, I was utterly convinced (and yes, it was 3am) that the way forward was to give up this thing once and for all. To let go of weighing, counting, controlling, obsessing, and just live my life free of burden.
I woke up with a new purpose. I didn't step on the scales, I vowed to go according to hunger and the satisfaction that intuitive eating would give me. I had an amazing day - probably the happiest day of this year so far. I spent the afternoon in the sun with my three best girl friends, my sister, and my mum's boyfriend's son (I'll probably start referring to him less-long-windedly in the future as my stepbrother, as that's close to what I now consider him). We got Mexican food, sipped ice-cold frappuccinos on a lawn somewhere, smoked, and dozed off, drenched in light. I caught up with each and every one of them, and nothing was poisoned, or tainted, by my usual worries/anxieties. I just felt... free. Then we all came home sapped of energy but content, and my mum and her boyfriend made us dinner. We all sat around the table like a big happy family, laughing, eating, enjoying our food. It was a perfect day, in my eyes.
Until 11pm, when my head feels clouded suddenly, and I'm possessed to step on those dreaded bathroom scales. And then the perfect mirage was over, the moment I saw 160 flash up at me.
I can't do this. If it's a choice between my happiness/freedom and gaining weight, or mild stress/obsessive self-destructing anxiety and losing just a few pounds, I'm more inclined to take the latter, as awful as that sounds. I CAN'T get heavier. I cannot, will not do it. Not if it means happiness, or better self-confidence... because it will be a deluded happiness. The kind of deluded happiness experienced by fat people who are in love with food and being full and are in complete denial about how they appear to the outside world.
It does matter to me. Okay, I said it. This matters to me. I can't give this thing up. I never ever ever want to see that number on my scales... EVER again. It was like a nightmare. I was 135 lbs this time last year, I can't be up 25 lbs by then, it's just... it's disgusting. Repulsive. Shameful, and totally mortifying.
I don't know what to do. I'm just freaking out. I don't know whether to persevere with 600 calories/day, pretending this blip never happened.
But it DID happen. I experienced life 'on the other side'. And even if it was only for a long afternoon, it made an impact on me, and there's no shutting that off. Ugh.
My knee-jerk reaction is to stem the damage by restricting as much as I can this week, even if it means being rude at social arrangements, or seeing friends between meal times. Because there is no way on this earth that I'm going to exceed 160 lbs in this lifetime. No. Fucking. Way.
Maybe I'm going crazy. Maybe, after all this, I've finally just gone bloody crazy.
Saturday, 1 June 2013
Today's intake so far ('free day'):
-2 c. bran cereal (220)
-1 c. soy milk (40)
-Maryland cookie (53)
-Deli olives (80)
-Light Choices sandwich (270)
-Haribo (100)
-Coffee frappuccino (110)
-Diet coke (0)
Total: 913 calories
I'm gonna finish up with a cup-a-soup in a few minutes, then I'll call it the end of the day at 8pm. It's not as bad as it could have been, and I won't be exceeding 1000 calories, so tomorrow I can start my 600 days and finally start dropping again. Being this weight is really getting to me.
I spent two hours in the sun with Tina and Bash, lying on the green next to my house and talking about the meaning of life... I always become existential while hopped up on caffeine, don't ask me why. Also, bran cereal with soymilk is amazing. I'm seeing them again tomorrow for frozen yogurt, so with that in mind (and leaving room for extras) I'll plan tomorrow:
-1 c. bran cereal (110)
-1 c. soy milk (40)
-'Classic' plain frozen yogurt w/strawberries (250)
-Lentil soup (190)
That leaves 10 calories' room for extras - diet coke, gum, black coffee, the like. I might change stuff around if plans change, but for now, that's my projected intake.
I'm also considering buying some cheap rollerblades for LA, and taking up inline skating while I'm there. We'll be staying right next to Venice Beach, so plenty of opportunities for exercise. :D
PS. I took my measurements for the first time in... years. As expected, I'm far beyond the point I used to consider 'acceptable'. Waist: 29 inches, hips at widest point: 39 inches. I'm aiming for waist: 26, hips: 34 - which I believe is a UK size 8 (probably the smallest I'll ever reach with my bone structure).
-2 c. bran cereal (220)
-1 c. soy milk (40)
-Maryland cookie (53)
-Deli olives (80)
-Light Choices sandwich (270)
-Haribo (100)
-Coffee frappuccino (110)
-Diet coke (0)
Total: 913 calories
I'm gonna finish up with a cup-a-soup in a few minutes, then I'll call it the end of the day at 8pm. It's not as bad as it could have been, and I won't be exceeding 1000 calories, so tomorrow I can start my 600 days and finally start dropping again. Being this weight is really getting to me.
I spent two hours in the sun with Tina and Bash, lying on the green next to my house and talking about the meaning of life... I always become existential while hopped up on caffeine, don't ask me why. Also, bran cereal with soymilk is amazing. I'm seeing them again tomorrow for frozen yogurt, so with that in mind (and leaving room for extras) I'll plan tomorrow:
-1 c. bran cereal (110)
-1 c. soy milk (40)
-'Classic' plain frozen yogurt w/strawberries (250)
-Lentil soup (190)
That leaves 10 calories' room for extras - diet coke, gum, black coffee, the like. I might change stuff around if plans change, but for now, that's my projected intake.
I'm also considering buying some cheap rollerblades for LA, and taking up inline skating while I'm there. We'll be staying right next to Venice Beach, so plenty of opportunities for exercise. :D
PS. I took my measurements for the first time in... years. As expected, I'm far beyond the point I used to consider 'acceptable'. Waist: 29 inches, hips at widest point: 39 inches. I'm aiming for waist: 26, hips: 34 - which I believe is a UK size 8 (probably the smallest I'll ever reach with my bone structure).
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