Sunday, 19 July 2015
The Great July Stint part 2
The Stint, in all honesty, hasn't started yet. Trying to fix my sleep. Got back to London on Saturday night with Lina and feel vaguely weird about everything. I don't really know what I'm doing with my summer, or my diet, or my life. I need to get a job. We ordered Chinese tonight. Rice, curry, noodles and cashew chicken. I wish I was still a vegan, it was so satisfying even if I never lost any weight. My body seems to have become exceedingly comfortable with staying in the 161/162 range. Gym starts this week, and I'll try to litter my CV around somewhat. In bed now with Lina and it's 3am, which is early for me. Hoping to wake up in the a.m. and go buy some fruit for smoothies. Also I need to quit smoking so much. I suck.
Thursday, 16 July 2015
The Great July Stint part 1
I'm staying in my university accommodation. It's hard to know what I'm actually doing here. I suppose it's all under the guise of "sorting myself out", but only if sorting myself out secretly includes 3am orders to Dominos while on Skype to Lina and waking up at 10pm at night in a state of intense confusion. Yes, really - 10pm. I can't even remember what time I fell asleep but I'm pretty sure it was somewhere around midday.
It's now 5pm on Thursday; I woke up at 2.30, which to me is just as good as "resetting". At 3pm, I weighed 161.8.
This is "progress", but only for the fact that I weighed 161.8 after four days of gorging myself on 1200+ calories (and drinking on most of those nights). I have to remind myself that it's not normal to gain on 1500 calories - in fact, by most "normal" people's standards, 1500 calories is a diet. As it stands, being 19 days deep into a self-imposed summer restricting stint, 1500 calories is approximately 87.5 per cent more calories than what I have become comfortable with. And entirely not good enough.
I've set my "final" goal weight at 153 pounds for now - far enough under 160 not to get back into this range after a weekend of bad eating; far enough above 150 not to be tempted to immediately push to 140s, then lower, which could set me up for re-bound weight gain. I suppose my plan is to hit mid-150s, then channel all this obsessive crap into extreme healthy eating and exercise. I know I always say that, but when I'm actually there I think it'll be something I want to hold onto.
I want to be done with restricting by the end of August at the latest, by the time we move into the new apartment (~22nd). That gives me around 5 weeks to lose around 8 pounds, which doesn't sound that bad in itself - except it's me, and past evidence would appear to corroborate my paranoid theory that 8 pounds can take just about forever.
Without further ado, here are the rules:
- 900 calorie a day limit;
- Counting everything, including alcohol, and coffee;
- Plenty of water and caffeine, as per usual;
- Starting from next Monday, regular work-outs. As many as I can possibly persuade myself into.
Bring it on.
It's now 5pm on Thursday; I woke up at 2.30, which to me is just as good as "resetting". At 3pm, I weighed 161.8.
This is "progress", but only for the fact that I weighed 161.8 after four days of gorging myself on 1200+ calories (and drinking on most of those nights). I have to remind myself that it's not normal to gain on 1500 calories - in fact, by most "normal" people's standards, 1500 calories is a diet. As it stands, being 19 days deep into a self-imposed summer restricting stint, 1500 calories is approximately 87.5 per cent more calories than what I have become comfortable with. And entirely not good enough.
I've set my "final" goal weight at 153 pounds for now - far enough under 160 not to get back into this range after a weekend of bad eating; far enough above 150 not to be tempted to immediately push to 140s, then lower, which could set me up for re-bound weight gain. I suppose my plan is to hit mid-150s, then channel all this obsessive crap into extreme healthy eating and exercise. I know I always say that, but when I'm actually there I think it'll be something I want to hold onto.
I want to be done with restricting by the end of August at the latest, by the time we move into the new apartment (~22nd). That gives me around 5 weeks to lose around 8 pounds, which doesn't sound that bad in itself - except it's me, and past evidence would appear to corroborate my paranoid theory that 8 pounds can take just about forever.
Without further ado, here are the rules:
- 900 calorie a day limit;
- Counting everything, including alcohol, and coffee;
- Plenty of water and caffeine, as per usual;
- Starting from next Monday, regular work-outs. As many as I can possibly persuade myself into.
Bring it on.
Thursday, 9 July 2015
Unlucky 13
I have no idea why I'm even writing this post. Today was terrible. I didn't get to sleep until 8am and when I woke, at 2, I weighed 162.2 eleven times, then 161.4 once, then 161.8 twice. Then I practically slammed out of the bathroom and promptly devoured a banana, 2 tbsp peanut butter, vegetable stir-fry, and almost a litre of purple grape juice.
The day started off shit. The frantic kitchen mini-binge, whilst more controlled than its previous counterparts, reminded me of my gap year. This whole week has reminded me of my gap year, and it's been horrible. I don't know what has happened to me. I took 40mg of Ritalin, glugged 12oz of water, and tried to forget about it. I then called Lina (I was still, comparatively, in an OK mood at this point - despite a. the bad reading, b. my skin having gotten worse, and c. having just voraciously consumed almost all of my intake out of panic) and chain-smoked until I felt like getting in a bath.
I totted it all up, roughly, and I think it came to around 800 calories. And that's being generous.
Tonight was worse. My mum came home, I started crying because I felt so awful, my mum shouted at me, and then things escalated from there. I ended up a snivelling, shaking wreck on my bed, frantically messaging Lina that I just need to get out of this place for a while. Then I booked a train ticket for tomorrow night. For an indefinite stay at university.
I feel sick with guilt. I haven't seen my friends in a week; I haven't been to the gym in a week; I haven't really gone outside for a week, or engaged with my family. I hate how much I'm hurting my mother. All she wants is for me to help out and stay generally sane when she gets home. I'm such a disappointment to everyone, and I can't stand it.
The day started off shit. The frantic kitchen mini-binge, whilst more controlled than its previous counterparts, reminded me of my gap year. This whole week has reminded me of my gap year, and it's been horrible. I don't know what has happened to me. I took 40mg of Ritalin, glugged 12oz of water, and tried to forget about it. I then called Lina (I was still, comparatively, in an OK mood at this point - despite a. the bad reading, b. my skin having gotten worse, and c. having just voraciously consumed almost all of my intake out of panic) and chain-smoked until I felt like getting in a bath.
I totted it all up, roughly, and I think it came to around 800 calories. And that's being generous.
Tonight was worse. My mum came home, I started crying because I felt so awful, my mum shouted at me, and then things escalated from there. I ended up a snivelling, shaking wreck on my bed, frantically messaging Lina that I just need to get out of this place for a while. Then I booked a train ticket for tomorrow night. For an indefinite stay at university.
I feel sick with guilt. I haven't seen my friends in a week; I haven't been to the gym in a week; I haven't really gone outside for a week, or engaged with my family. I hate how much I'm hurting my mother. All she wants is for me to help out and stay generally sane when she gets home. I'm such a disappointment to everyone, and I can't stand it.
Wednesday, 8 July 2015
Day 12
Intake:
-- Steel-cut oats (150)
-- Diet Coke (1)
-- Ham and mustard sandwich (295)
-- Wholegrain chips (120)
-- 1/2 Elderflower cider (x)
Total: 566
The ridiculously low number of calories wasn't intentional, at least not consciously intentional. I had an argument with my mother about why I didn't want to go outside or come downstairs to talk today. I felt so depressed, antisocial and on edge that it took every ounce of will I had not to pack my bags and catch the next train out of London, back to my university accommodation. The thing that stopped me? My skin still hasn't healed. My chin is an exploding volcano. I have scabs from picking. I can't possibly go outside.
Consequently, I didn't leave the house until 10pm, and when I did, it was to call my father on a walk. My father, ranting and raving, told me he did not have the money to fly me out to see him this August. Which is just as well, because I've proven myself to be a truly haphazard and failure-prone person as of late. If I can't get out of bed here, I certainly won't be able to get out of bed in LA when I have an angry parent and sibling yelling at me when their plans go to shit.
For the record, my naive, angry, crazy eighteen year-old sister is supposed to be moving out there for a year (alone) in exactly a month. I won't even begin to go into the ethics of it all. The whole thing just gives me a fucking aneurism.
A 600-calorie diet should officially carry a warning for making you irate, on edge, manic, intensely nervous and moody, but it doesn't, and I forget this every single time. Then wonder why, just short of two weeks into restricting, I feel so bad. The skin thing hasn't helped matters. It took about half a bottle of concealer to actually convince me to leave the house, and when I did, I still worried that people would see the state of my face - in the dark.
I have serious problems.
Technically, I should lose another pound soon, considering it's now customary for me to stay at a number for a maximum of 2-3 days before dropping. Today, before eating, I weighed 161.4. This number doesn't mean anything to me now, when a week ago, it was all I could think about. And I actually felt slim yesterday. Today, alternatively, by some distortion of time or mood or something else, I suddenly look "enormous". This range simply will not do. I don't even think the 150s will do it for me now, but at least they're familiar, and I know I've gotten out of them before.
On the menu tomorrow: those konjac noodles, because my artistic brain recognises it as an opportunity to be creative for a minimal amount of calories. And, coffee. Always coffee.
-- Steel-cut oats (150)
-- Diet Coke (1)
-- Ham and mustard sandwich (295)
-- Wholegrain chips (120)
-- 1/2 Elderflower cider (x)
Total: 566
The ridiculously low number of calories wasn't intentional, at least not consciously intentional. I had an argument with my mother about why I didn't want to go outside or come downstairs to talk today. I felt so depressed, antisocial and on edge that it took every ounce of will I had not to pack my bags and catch the next train out of London, back to my university accommodation. The thing that stopped me? My skin still hasn't healed. My chin is an exploding volcano. I have scabs from picking. I can't possibly go outside.
Consequently, I didn't leave the house until 10pm, and when I did, it was to call my father on a walk. My father, ranting and raving, told me he did not have the money to fly me out to see him this August. Which is just as well, because I've proven myself to be a truly haphazard and failure-prone person as of late. If I can't get out of bed here, I certainly won't be able to get out of bed in LA when I have an angry parent and sibling yelling at me when their plans go to shit.
For the record, my naive, angry, crazy eighteen year-old sister is supposed to be moving out there for a year (alone) in exactly a month. I won't even begin to go into the ethics of it all. The whole thing just gives me a fucking aneurism.
A 600-calorie diet should officially carry a warning for making you irate, on edge, manic, intensely nervous and moody, but it doesn't, and I forget this every single time. Then wonder why, just short of two weeks into restricting, I feel so bad. The skin thing hasn't helped matters. It took about half a bottle of concealer to actually convince me to leave the house, and when I did, I still worried that people would see the state of my face - in the dark.
I have serious problems.
Technically, I should lose another pound soon, considering it's now customary for me to stay at a number for a maximum of 2-3 days before dropping. Today, before eating, I weighed 161.4. This number doesn't mean anything to me now, when a week ago, it was all I could think about. And I actually felt slim yesterday. Today, alternatively, by some distortion of time or mood or something else, I suddenly look "enormous". This range simply will not do. I don't even think the 150s will do it for me now, but at least they're familiar, and I know I've gotten out of them before.
On the menu tomorrow: those konjac noodles, because my artistic brain recognises it as an opportunity to be creative for a minimal amount of calories. And, coffee. Always coffee.
Tuesday, 7 July 2015
Day 11
Intake:
-- 1/4 c. steel-cut oats (90)
-- Almond milk (25)
-- 1/2 c. raspberries (40)
-- 4 rice cakes (112)
-- 2 eggs (180)
-- Mustard (5)
-- Courgette "spaghetti" (google says 42, not 125... so we'll go with that)
-- 2 leaves Pak-Choi (4)
-- Teriyaki sauce (50)
-- Sunbites (134)
-- Starbucks coffee (x)
Total: 682
I feel... surprisingly full. Ended up buying the zucchini/courgette noodles and they were amazingly good, sauteed with the greens in some sauce. Definitely going to get those again seeing as it wasn't the traumatic experience I expected. I may or may not eat more. I do feel rather stuffed on a surprisingly small amount of calories, though, so I may take advantage of that. If I get hungry later I'll eat some dairy-free orange chocolate that I bought on my travels.
Also, I bought konjac noodles. You know, the ones with "0 calories" (more like 20 per serving, but whatever). They have a kind of odd chewy texture, but I feel like when you're starving, these kinds of weird-ass foods don't register as weird anymore. Potential lunch tomorrow? I'm just going to cover them in teriyaki sauce and hope for the best.
-- 1/4 c. steel-cut oats (90)
-- Almond milk (25)
-- 1/2 c. raspberries (40)
-- 4 rice cakes (112)
-- 2 eggs (180)
-- Mustard (5)
-- Courgette "spaghetti" (google says 42, not 125... so we'll go with that)
-- 2 leaves Pak-Choi (4)
-- Teriyaki sauce (50)
-- Sunbites (134)
-- Starbucks coffee (x)
Total: 682
I feel... surprisingly full. Ended up buying the zucchini/courgette noodles and they were amazingly good, sauteed with the greens in some sauce. Definitely going to get those again seeing as it wasn't the traumatic experience I expected. I may or may not eat more. I do feel rather stuffed on a surprisingly small amount of calories, though, so I may take advantage of that. If I get hungry later I'll eat some dairy-free orange chocolate that I bought on my travels.
Also, I bought konjac noodles. You know, the ones with "0 calories" (more like 20 per serving, but whatever). They have a kind of odd chewy texture, but I feel like when you're starving, these kinds of weird-ass foods don't register as weird anymore. Potential lunch tomorrow? I'm just going to cover them in teriyaki sauce and hope for the best.
Earlier when I was in the kitchen cooking dinner my mother asked if I had lost weight. My response? "Uh... no. Maybe? Have I? I don't think so... maybe?" I am so poorly equipped for these kinds of questions. She said I looked like I'd lost weight from "around my middle". I don't know if that means my waist, or hips, or what, but it was strangely gratifying even if I can't see it myself.
Sometimes I think my self-judgement is very poor. Lina, also, pointed out that my weight loss was noticeable everywhere, including my face. I don't see it. Or at least, I didn't, until I walked down to the centre to get a coffee - (that's why I'm full) - and caught sight of myself in the window pane reflection of a shop front.
My legs looked... longer. And distinctly thinner around the top. My face, when I snuck a glimpse while walking past, happened to catch the light in a way that made me look (dare I say it) gaunt.
This is all very odd. While 160 pounds is nowhere near what I or the rest of society would consider skinny, it was noticeable to me - admittedly, only for a split-second, but a long split-second - that I had lost weight.
I don't know what to make of it, because in my head, anything above 150 at my height is huge. But today 160 felt okay. It felt manageable. It felt "slim". I felt lighter in my step, and it was fucking weird.
All this leads me to believe that I would probably, despite previous discussion on this blog, actually be satisfied with weighing 145 pounds by the end of summer. 145 when I was 18 felt hideous; 145 at almost-22-and-getting-older-by-the-day feels... really not so bad. More than "not so bad", it actually sounds pretty damn good. And if I can feel halfway decent at a body mass index of 23.5, a BMI 21.5 frame is nothing to complain about.
It's a pity I have to use controversial and "unhealthy" methods to get there, but my projected maintenance plan is so goddamn healthy that in my mind, this sort of cancels it out. (Sort-of being the operative term: I'm aware that starving yourself intentionally is never the best choice, and I absolutely do not promote restriction as a solution. However as someone who's been on the eating disorder spectrum for almost eight years, restricting's not a choice anymore, but rather a consequential and, for the most part, unavoidable dilemma - until I get to a place at which I finally feel more sane than in-sane. Or, at least, that's how it feels sometimes).
Miracle of God
By some miracle of God, or maybe just the laxatives I took last night, the scales read 161.8 when I woke up. I didn't gain. I'm not sure if that's a fluke or not, but I'm praying that it's not. Because if I do good today I could be 160 tomorrow, and 159 on Thursday, and so on.
I'm hoping that the promise of breaking the 150s in the next few days is enough to propel me head-first into extreme restriction mode. I'm not going out, I'm being an antisocial bitch and avoiding everyone, in part because I feel shitty about my appearance, but mostly because I can't deal with the interruption. Or the questions. Caro has made her opinion on this perfectly clear: restricting is dumb. Well, I can't be bothered to argue, so I'll just have to hide it.
-- 1/4 c. steel-cut oats (90)
-- Almond milk (25)
-- 1/4 c. raspberries (20)
Since when was 135 a scary number for a breakfast meal? Now, suddenly, terrifyingly, it seems like just a "little" too much.
Tesco sells its own brand of "courgette spaghetti" (commonly known to the rest of the world - namely America - as zucchini noodles) that is somewhere around 125 calories for the entire tub. 125 also seems like too much, now that I think about it, but I suppose it's just vegetables "shaped" into what looks like pasta. This could be invigorating and mildly panic-inducing in equal measure. I... can't remember the last time I ate an actual pasta dish that wasn't a salad.
What would one even put with such a thing? Sauce? Dressing? I have no idea. This is what happens when I "branch out" for dinner options. I overthink everything.
I've lost ~7 lbs in 11 days. Is it unreasonable to want to ditch 10 more in the next 10? We'll see.
I'm hoping that the promise of breaking the 150s in the next few days is enough to propel me head-first into extreme restriction mode. I'm not going out, I'm being an antisocial bitch and avoiding everyone, in part because I feel shitty about my appearance, but mostly because I can't deal with the interruption. Or the questions. Caro has made her opinion on this perfectly clear: restricting is dumb. Well, I can't be bothered to argue, so I'll just have to hide it.
-- 1/4 c. steel-cut oats (90)
-- Almond milk (25)
-- 1/4 c. raspberries (20)
Since when was 135 a scary number for a breakfast meal? Now, suddenly, terrifyingly, it seems like just a "little" too much.
Tesco sells its own brand of "courgette spaghetti" (commonly known to the rest of the world - namely America - as zucchini noodles) that is somewhere around 125 calories for the entire tub. 125 also seems like too much, now that I think about it, but I suppose it's just vegetables "shaped" into what looks like pasta. This could be invigorating and mildly panic-inducing in equal measure. I... can't remember the last time I ate an actual pasta dish that wasn't a salad.
What would one even put with such a thing? Sauce? Dressing? I have no idea. This is what happens when I "branch out" for dinner options. I overthink everything.
I've lost ~7 lbs in 11 days. Is it unreasonable to want to ditch 10 more in the next 10? We'll see.
Monday, 6 July 2015
Feelings
Should I cut to 800 calories until I see 159? Or 600?
I don't know anymore. I just want this whole process to speed the f*ck up. I need to be back in the 150s, for good. For my sanity, for mental clarity. For some sense of control.
I have a feeling I'll weigh 162 or 163 again tomorrow, without reason. I feel heavy and bloated. Heavier than last night. My body is so fucked that a cup-a-soup will be the difference between a loss and a gain.
I need to devise a plan to lose ~3 lbs in 3 days. To see 159 by Friday.
That is my current goal, the first official, concrete goal I've made since I started writing again.
159 on Friday I will be.
I can't stand this wait. It really does feel like I'm waiting. For the weight to fall off and the stress of the last year to fall away.
Let the tomato soup, rice cake and fruit diet commence.
Oh yeah, and I swallowed a bunch of laxatives about ten minutes ago, when the 3am reading told me 166. Fuck that shit.
I don't know anymore. I just want this whole process to speed the f*ck up. I need to be back in the 150s, for good. For my sanity, for mental clarity. For some sense of control.
I have a feeling I'll weigh 162 or 163 again tomorrow, without reason. I feel heavy and bloated. Heavier than last night. My body is so fucked that a cup-a-soup will be the difference between a loss and a gain.
I need to devise a plan to lose ~3 lbs in 3 days. To see 159 by Friday.
That is my current goal, the first official, concrete goal I've made since I started writing again.
159 on Friday I will be.
I can't stand this wait. It really does feel like I'm waiting. For the weight to fall off and the stress of the last year to fall away.
Let the tomato soup, rice cake and fruit diet commence.
Oh yeah, and I swallowed a bunch of laxatives about ten minutes ago, when the 3am reading told me 166. Fuck that shit.
Day 10
Weight: 161.6
Intake:
-- 2 peaches (76)
-- Banana (95)
-- Peanut butter (150)
-- Smoothie: banana, coconut, pineapple (189)
-- Cherry tomatoes (40)
-- Avocado (160)
-- Grated carrot (80)
-- Hoummous (50)
-- Roast gammon (150)
-- Diet coke (1)
Total: 991 calories
I didn't have the soup or the tomatoes yesterday. I guess I was worried it would make me gain, so I held out. Lost another pound. I don't know why seeing the weight loss doesn't register anymore in this range. Maybe because, as I said before, I've been stuck in the 160s for so long I just don't care anymore. 161, 168, it all feels the same to me. I'm sure I will feel very relieved when I hit 159 and lower. After all (to my memory) 160 is the heaviest I ever became whilst journalling in this blog. Once I get to 159, it's an easy path down the scale. Back to old and more familiar weights, and in their familiarity those numbers will bring a great deal of comfort to me.
So (I think) shooting is now being pushed back two weeks. It's just as well though, because my skin needs time to recover until I'm on set again, and it means bonus weight loss before we start. Weirdly, I could be well into the 150s by then. I wonder if the weight discrepancies will look odd on film, but maybe it works for the character. We can always re-shoot I guess.
I made a lifestyle decision to cut out dairy. Not for some fad or aesthetic appeal, but because I have genuinely come to the realisation that I am sensitive, if not intolerant, to cow's milk. This is something I have to accept and deal with. No one else with an allergy would continue to eat that food "just because it tastes good". And just because I have been eating cheese for 21 years, doesn't mean it doesn't affect me. When I cut out dairy this year everything was better: my skin, my periods, my digestion, my energy. So I'm veto-ing the dairy, for good I hope. It's sad because I love yogurt and cheese so much but having those products every day is just not agreeing with my system.
Not much else to report on. Been sitting in my room for days watching trashy TV and movies on Netflix. Hiding from the outside.
Finally put on some makeup at 10pm and walked to the shop for some Coke. Ended up buying oats, rice cakes and mustard. Weirdest f*cking combination of foods.
I don't even know anymore.
I suppose I just have to push through, and push really hard, until I am nestled comfortably in the 150s. I don't much care for eating this little, although I have sort of got used to it now after 10 days' worth of restricting. It would probably feel bizarre to eat a heavy meal at this point. I have crisps stashed in my drawer, but I don't wish to binge. It would be completely pointless to binge before I even got close to where I feel I naturally should be. In an ideal world, I would continue on my restricting streak until I hit maybe 153. And then I would like to maintain for a little while, to get my body acclimatised to the new set point. Then I will go for another stretch, if I deem such a thing necessary. It would certainly be nice to 'healthily diet' my way into the 140s and take my time with it. There's no rush. We don't move into the apartment until early September, and school doesn't even start until October. So I'm fine. I'll be fine.
If I get hungry tonight I'll have the rice cakes or a soup.
I keep thinking of all the clothes I will be able to wear when I'm back in the low-140s. I have this plan, that I'll sell all of my old stuff and use the money to design a perfect capsule wardrobe from scratch. I want to get one of those clothing railings for my new room. I have never felt fashionable. Next time I am 140 pounds, I will not waste it.
Intake:
-- 2 peaches (76)
-- Banana (95)
-- Peanut butter (150)
-- Smoothie: banana, coconut, pineapple (189)
-- Cherry tomatoes (40)
-- Avocado (160)
-- Grated carrot (80)
-- Hoummous (50)
-- Roast gammon (150)
-- Diet coke (1)
Total: 991 calories
I didn't have the soup or the tomatoes yesterday. I guess I was worried it would make me gain, so I held out. Lost another pound. I don't know why seeing the weight loss doesn't register anymore in this range. Maybe because, as I said before, I've been stuck in the 160s for so long I just don't care anymore. 161, 168, it all feels the same to me. I'm sure I will feel very relieved when I hit 159 and lower. After all (to my memory) 160 is the heaviest I ever became whilst journalling in this blog. Once I get to 159, it's an easy path down the scale. Back to old and more familiar weights, and in their familiarity those numbers will bring a great deal of comfort to me.
So (I think) shooting is now being pushed back two weeks. It's just as well though, because my skin needs time to recover until I'm on set again, and it means bonus weight loss before we start. Weirdly, I could be well into the 150s by then. I wonder if the weight discrepancies will look odd on film, but maybe it works for the character. We can always re-shoot I guess.
I made a lifestyle decision to cut out dairy. Not for some fad or aesthetic appeal, but because I have genuinely come to the realisation that I am sensitive, if not intolerant, to cow's milk. This is something I have to accept and deal with. No one else with an allergy would continue to eat that food "just because it tastes good". And just because I have been eating cheese for 21 years, doesn't mean it doesn't affect me. When I cut out dairy this year everything was better: my skin, my periods, my digestion, my energy. So I'm veto-ing the dairy, for good I hope. It's sad because I love yogurt and cheese so much but having those products every day is just not agreeing with my system.
Not much else to report on. Been sitting in my room for days watching trashy TV and movies on Netflix. Hiding from the outside.
Finally put on some makeup at 10pm and walked to the shop for some Coke. Ended up buying oats, rice cakes and mustard. Weirdest f*cking combination of foods.
I don't even know anymore.
I suppose I just have to push through, and push really hard, until I am nestled comfortably in the 150s. I don't much care for eating this little, although I have sort of got used to it now after 10 days' worth of restricting. It would probably feel bizarre to eat a heavy meal at this point. I have crisps stashed in my drawer, but I don't wish to binge. It would be completely pointless to binge before I even got close to where I feel I naturally should be. In an ideal world, I would continue on my restricting streak until I hit maybe 153. And then I would like to maintain for a little while, to get my body acclimatised to the new set point. Then I will go for another stretch, if I deem such a thing necessary. It would certainly be nice to 'healthily diet' my way into the 140s and take my time with it. There's no rush. We don't move into the apartment until early September, and school doesn't even start until October. So I'm fine. I'll be fine.
If I get hungry tonight I'll have the rice cakes or a soup.
I keep thinking of all the clothes I will be able to wear when I'm back in the low-140s. I have this plan, that I'll sell all of my old stuff and use the money to design a perfect capsule wardrobe from scratch. I want to get one of those clothing railings for my new room. I have never felt fashionable. Next time I am 140 pounds, I will not waste it.
Edit: Had 2 dates, and a tomato soup. 132 calories. If this makes me gain I will assess the criteria in the morning, and come up with a plan that does the job faster than this one. Ugh. Late-night hunger sucks.
Sunday, 5 July 2015
Day 9
Intake:
-- 2 peaches (76)
-- 3 dates (60)
-- 1/2 tbsp peanut butter (60)
-- Energy drink (150)
-- 2 cups of orange juice (180)
-- Salad- croutons, tomatoes, lettuce (70)
-- Hoummous (150)
-- 4 rice cakes (92)
= 838 calories so far.
It's 9pm but I'll probably get hungry in a couple of hours, in which case I'll have tomato soup (75) and some cherry tomatoes (40). Part of me wants to try and stick it out on no food, for the promise of 161 tomorrow. Although I'm not banking on it, knowing how reliable my body is at losing weight even when I have a "good day".
Today's been a bit better. I felt a little more positive, even though I've been walking around with fucking neosporin on my face all day like a mental patient. It's fine. I know it will heal if I leave it alone and keep putting cream on it. I probably could go out if I was really desperate but putting makeup on is just going to irritate everything and prolong the process. I don't feel too bad about not going out tonight. I feel comfortable at home, with my laptop and movies and books and cats. My friends aren't going anywhere, I can catch up with them later in the week. Right now I just want to be cosy and have alone time, and social plans can wait. I like hibernating. I just hope I can re-emerge more of a butterfly at the end of it. A beautiful f*cking thin butterfly that is.
-- 2 peaches (76)
-- 3 dates (60)
-- 1/2 tbsp peanut butter (60)
-- Energy drink (150)
-- 2 cups of orange juice (180)
-- Salad- croutons, tomatoes, lettuce (70)
-- Hoummous (150)
-- 4 rice cakes (92)
= 838 calories so far.
It's 9pm but I'll probably get hungry in a couple of hours, in which case I'll have tomato soup (75) and some cherry tomatoes (40). Part of me wants to try and stick it out on no food, for the promise of 161 tomorrow. Although I'm not banking on it, knowing how reliable my body is at losing weight even when I have a "good day".
Today's been a bit better. I felt a little more positive, even though I've been walking around with fucking neosporin on my face all day like a mental patient. It's fine. I know it will heal if I leave it alone and keep putting cream on it. I probably could go out if I was really desperate but putting makeup on is just going to irritate everything and prolong the process. I don't feel too bad about not going out tonight. I feel comfortable at home, with my laptop and movies and books and cats. My friends aren't going anywhere, I can catch up with them later in the week. Right now I just want to be cosy and have alone time, and social plans can wait. I like hibernating. I just hope I can re-emerge more of a butterfly at the end of it. A beautiful f*cking thin butterfly that is.
Detox time
Reached the 'holy milestone' of 162.4 this morning. It wasn't as much of a relief as I thought it would be. All I could think when I stepped on the scales and saw the reading was, "why am I still here?". I guess it's going to take longer than I thought to undo the damage caused over an entire year.
I'm desperate to see lower numbers. Being back in the 150s is a nice idea, but doesn't excite me as much as it did before. That's partly because when I hit 156 during a period of illness in Easter, I didn't feel all that different.
I have no idea if the pace of my weight loss will start to slow down, or accelerate when I hit 150s and it becomes much more natural for me to drop. As it stands, I have lost 5.8 pounds in 9 days, which doesn't feel like some kind of incredible feat by any stretch of the imagination, but gives a rough indicator of my average weight loss when I am "truly" committed. Going at this rate, I could be 156 by mid-July, 147 by the beginning of August, and 132 by the 1st of September. It never works out like that, I know, but a girl can dream.
Starting a mini detox today so I can clear up my skin and state of mind over the next few days. I intend to keep it up until my period's over (it still hasn't started yet, but judging by the breakouts it's on its way). Last time I cut out dairy it really, really helped with the skin issues. Generally my skin is very clear, until that time of the month, when all hell breaks loose. I'm too lazy to adopt a vegan diet full time but ditching animal products for one week a month might not be such a bad idea.
Rules:
-- No dairy
-- No meat
-- Lots of water
-- Exercise on at least 4 weekdays.
I'd like to quit smoking but unfortunately, I don't see that happening any time soon.
Breakfast was 2 peaches, 3 dates, 1/2 tbsp peanut butter and an energy drink. 346 calories. Enough to keep me going for a while. I have those smoothies in the fridge, so I might have one of those later. Part of the appeal of going "vegan" is it gives you a great excuse to wave away cakes, chocolates, biscuits, creamy potato and pasta dishes, and other delicious snacks being offered. There is a lot of that in my family, and I usually give in. Luckily my mother fully supports me ditching dairy as she seems to believe we're all mildly lactose intolerant (I could believe that too, judging by how much better I looked when I gave it up, even at a heavier weight). So this week should be easy. I'm armed with almond milk and fruit so all will be well.
Saturday, 4 July 2015
Suburgatory
On nights like these it really feels like I'm in the suburbs. I guess I am, in a way, and even though Central London is only a 20 min ride on the underground sometimes it can feel like I'm in a nowhere place on a hot suburban night. I went for a walk. In the summer here, at night, everything is dark and leafy and muggy, and the sky over the park is expansive. The streets are black except for the orange glow of the streetlamps, which suffuse a yellowish tint over the tops of cars and parts of the pavement, with these hanging black shadowy trees completely still like they're watching for you or waiting for you or something. And it's completely silent, until some biker rushes past and disappears off as quickly as he emerged, swallowed up by the gloaming.
No one's home and I feel unbearably sad. I decided, on my travels, to buy a bunch of vegan food for a detox. My skin is shit and I don't know when my period's going to start, but going vegan right before has always helped control break-outs. So I bought green apples, peaches, dates, tomatoes, smoothies, almond milk, tomato cup-a-soups, peanut butter and a butternut squash whole-grain salad pot thing that was reduced. I'm going to eat the salad now, and the tomatoes. That will bring my total up to 900 calories. Even though I said I wasn't going to eat anything else, I think the nutrients will do me good and stop me from bingeing tomorrow.
I pray to God that I haven't gained from today. I'm still fairly sure I've plateaued, but I really need to see 162 soon or I am going to lose faith.
There are fireworks going off left right and centre. I think it's for 4th of July celebrations in America. Really weird, reminds me of Venice, LA and the party I went to. Mourning for that era, everything seemed better then.
No one's home and I feel unbearably sad. I decided, on my travels, to buy a bunch of vegan food for a detox. My skin is shit and I don't know when my period's going to start, but going vegan right before has always helped control break-outs. So I bought green apples, peaches, dates, tomatoes, smoothies, almond milk, tomato cup-a-soups, peanut butter and a butternut squash whole-grain salad pot thing that was reduced. I'm going to eat the salad now, and the tomatoes. That will bring my total up to 900 calories. Even though I said I wasn't going to eat anything else, I think the nutrients will do me good and stop me from bingeing tomorrow.
I pray to God that I haven't gained from today. I'm still fairly sure I've plateaued, but I really need to see 162 soon or I am going to lose faith.
There are fireworks going off left right and centre. I think it's for 4th of July celebrations in America. Really weird, reminds me of Venice, LA and the party I went to. Mourning for that era, everything seemed better then.
Kitchen Dance
Last night and this afternoon I have felt horrible. I've hit a plateau, of 163. When I weighed and saw 163.8 I just went downstairs and opened the fridge and cupboards like I was on autopilot. At 2pm I finally woke up (after waking up first at 5am and then 8am, wide awake both times and completely disorientated) and lay in bed in a sulk until 4. At 4, my mum called up to me and my sister to let us know that she was going out for the afternoon, and that there was a potato dauphinoise in the oven, fresh cakes that needed to be eaten in a paper box in the fridge, orange juice, lemonade, bacon and croissants from the bakery. That set off panic alarms in my head. Usually our fridge is quite empty except for basics, which is very comforting to me. What makes me panic is when there is suddenly an abundance of delicatessen goods "needing" to be eaten before they spoil. My mum left and my sister got in a shower, and I went downstairs in a trance. Before I knew it I had eaten a bite of an apple slice, half of a strawberries-and-cream tart, forkfuls of potato dauphinoise straight from the tray, the other half of that pasta salad from yesterday, and a glass of lemonade to wash it all down. 600 calories in the space of ten fucking minutes.
I can't control anything anymore.
It's only 5pm and I've fucked the day.
I just want to get out of this stupid weight range, and back into the 150s. But 4 pounds are not going to lose themselves, especially not if I do shit like this ^ the minute I wake up.
Took 30mg Ritalin because it usually cuts my appetite in that kind of dose. Hoping this food passes through me and I can lose my appetite for the rest of the goddamn day.
I binged because I'm panicking. I'm panicking about the fact that I have to get dressed up and go and see a bunch of friends tomorrow night, and I know there's going to be food and alcohol in large quantities. I'm panicking because I don't know when I'm going to start my period, and my skin is going to shit two days before a shoot. Oh, and there's the other thing. I'm panicking because I have to be on camera next week. And an actor dropped out, which is even more stressful, because everything's up in the air and I don't know when we're starting.
I hate unpredictability. It sets me off.
Shoot me now. And no, I mean with a gun.
I can't control anything anymore.
It's only 5pm and I've fucked the day.
I just want to get out of this stupid weight range, and back into the 150s. But 4 pounds are not going to lose themselves, especially not if I do shit like this ^ the minute I wake up.
Took 30mg Ritalin because it usually cuts my appetite in that kind of dose. Hoping this food passes through me and I can lose my appetite for the rest of the goddamn day.
I binged because I'm panicking. I'm panicking about the fact that I have to get dressed up and go and see a bunch of friends tomorrow night, and I know there's going to be food and alcohol in large quantities. I'm panicking because I don't know when I'm going to start my period, and my skin is going to shit two days before a shoot. Oh, and there's the other thing. I'm panicking because I have to be on camera next week. And an actor dropped out, which is even more stressful, because everything's up in the air and I don't know when we're starting.
I hate unpredictability. It sets me off.
Shoot me now. And no, I mean with a gun.
Friday, 3 July 2015
Day 7
W: 163.2.
-- Green veg, steamed with garlic butter (150)
-- 1 egg + 1 egg white scrambled (100)
-- Diet Coke (1)
-- Bite of lemon tart (~50)
-- Starbucks soy espresso frappuccino (x)
-- Light Choices chicken salad sandwich (255)
-- 1/2 feta tomato pasta salad (180)
-- Crisps/chips, salted (250)
-- Pear cidre (x)
Total: ~986 calories
Didn't go to the gym today. Didn't do much at all actually, but I gave myself permission to have a leisure afternoon (TV, a little writing, listening to music, a walk, coffee, and a chat with L over the phone). I'll row tomorrow, or Sunday depending on how busy tomorrow is. I think I may be seeing Tina for coffee, which should be good. Always nice to have some Saturday company.
I think I need to get back into sandwiches, and also ready meals. I don't know how my weight will fare tomorrow morning. I think it's safe to say I won't get the nice surprise of 162 after the cidre and crisps, but I really hope I haven't gained. I was so lazy all of today. Ugh.
Thunder and lightning outside. Very literary. I'm back up in my room for tonight, as it's cooled down. So I get to see the whole display. It's v atmospheric. Although my cat is horribly scared, so I made her a little tent out of duvets. She's curled up under them now. Let's hope she doesn't jump up and run once the next bolt of lightning hits and lights up the whole room in electric-blue.
Should I start counting coffee/alcohol calories? Those frappuccinos are devilish. Virtually an entire meal.
God, now it's pouring down. Jesus. Being under the roof is always interesting.
Started reading a book on Victorian murder, and also the Psychopath Test. Running theme here? Sometimes I worry about myself.
I like these sorts of books, they always take my mind off something because they're thrilling. This is exactly the reason I should start watching horror films, for the sole purpose of taking my mind off food.
Desperately resisting the rest of that pasta salad. Although this way I can have it for lunch tomorrow when I wake up. I like eating savoury foods for breakfast, I don't know why. Sometimes sugary yogurt and cereal doesn't do it for me first thing.
Started writing for a potential new manuscript, although it was only ~2 pages. Still, that's the most creative writing I've done in literally half a year and it felt strangely liberating. I miss having that kind of project in my life.
Shooting next Tuesday, and fuck I'm nervous. I need to get my weight down to AT LEAST 162. Or else... I don't know what. I'll feel shit on film, that's what. And that's the worst punishment of all. Knowing you could have looked better.
Story of my life.
-- Green veg, steamed with garlic butter (150)
-- 1 egg + 1 egg white scrambled (100)
-- Diet Coke (1)
-- Bite of lemon tart (~50)
-- Starbucks soy espresso frappuccino (x)
-- Light Choices chicken salad sandwich (255)
-- 1/2 feta tomato pasta salad (180)
-- Crisps/chips, salted (250)
-- Pear cidre (x)
Total: ~986 calories
Didn't go to the gym today. Didn't do much at all actually, but I gave myself permission to have a leisure afternoon (TV, a little writing, listening to music, a walk, coffee, and a chat with L over the phone). I'll row tomorrow, or Sunday depending on how busy tomorrow is. I think I may be seeing Tina for coffee, which should be good. Always nice to have some Saturday company.
I think I need to get back into sandwiches, and also ready meals. I don't know how my weight will fare tomorrow morning. I think it's safe to say I won't get the nice surprise of 162 after the cidre and crisps, but I really hope I haven't gained. I was so lazy all of today. Ugh.
Thunder and lightning outside. Very literary. I'm back up in my room for tonight, as it's cooled down. So I get to see the whole display. It's v atmospheric. Although my cat is horribly scared, so I made her a little tent out of duvets. She's curled up under them now. Let's hope she doesn't jump up and run once the next bolt of lightning hits and lights up the whole room in electric-blue.
Should I start counting coffee/alcohol calories? Those frappuccinos are devilish. Virtually an entire meal.
God, now it's pouring down. Jesus. Being under the roof is always interesting.
Started reading a book on Victorian murder, and also the Psychopath Test. Running theme here? Sometimes I worry about myself.
I like these sorts of books, they always take my mind off something because they're thrilling. This is exactly the reason I should start watching horror films, for the sole purpose of taking my mind off food.
Desperately resisting the rest of that pasta salad. Although this way I can have it for lunch tomorrow when I wake up. I like eating savoury foods for breakfast, I don't know why. Sometimes sugary yogurt and cereal doesn't do it for me first thing.
Started writing for a potential new manuscript, although it was only ~2 pages. Still, that's the most creative writing I've done in literally half a year and it felt strangely liberating. I miss having that kind of project in my life.
Shooting next Tuesday, and fuck I'm nervous. I need to get my weight down to AT LEAST 162. Or else... I don't know what. I'll feel shit on film, that's what. And that's the worst punishment of all. Knowing you could have looked better.
Story of my life.
Thursday, 2 July 2015
Gym + end of Day 6
So I finally joined that gym. The one that costs £19 per month, which is a total bargain. Did 40 mins on the bike, which burned around 200 calories. That was okay for a first session. Tomorrow I'm gonna get back into rowing, and actually buy some headphones that don't cut out half way through every song...
Final (I hope) intake for the day:
-- Diet Coke (1)
-- 1/2 bottled Starbucks (x)
-- 1 cup fat-free yogurt, frozen (80)
-- Grape nuts (50)
-- Mini plum (25)
-- 2 fried eggs (160)
-- Caesar dressing (150)
-- 1 cup orange juice (90)
-- Soy espresso frappuccino (x)
-- Salad with vinaigrette, "bacon" pieces (250)
-- Tomato philly (200)
-- 4 rice cakes (85)
-- Limoncello/orange cocktail (x)
Total: 1091 cals.
I think I'm gonna start counting alcohol and/or coffee calories starting tomorrow. Or just switch to black coffee so I don't have to bother. Either way today wasn't too bad in the end. Just fixed myself a drink, which will go down as calorie-free, even though I feel vaguely bad about that. But I shouldn't, because I did a 40 minute cycle earlier. It's midnight now anyway, so there's no need to do much else but chill out on the sofa with some Pretty Little Liars...
My guilty pleasure.
Besides alcohol.
Feel a little better. Surviving, just about.
Final (I hope) intake for the day:
-- Diet Coke (1)
-- 1/2 bottled Starbucks (x)
-- 1 cup fat-free yogurt, frozen (80)
-- Grape nuts (50)
-- Mini plum (25)
-- 2 fried eggs (160)
-- Caesar dressing (150)
-- 1 cup orange juice (90)
-- Soy espresso frappuccino (x)
-- Salad with vinaigrette, "bacon" pieces (250)
-- Tomato philly (200)
-- 4 rice cakes (85)
-- Limoncello/orange cocktail (x)
Total: 1091 cals.
I think I'm gonna start counting alcohol and/or coffee calories starting tomorrow. Or just switch to black coffee so I don't have to bother. Either way today wasn't too bad in the end. Just fixed myself a drink, which will go down as calorie-free, even though I feel vaguely bad about that. But I shouldn't, because I did a 40 minute cycle earlier. It's midnight now anyway, so there's no need to do much else but chill out on the sofa with some Pretty Little Liars...
My guilty pleasure.
Besides alcohol.
Feel a little better. Surviving, just about.
Thursday
Intake so far:
-- Diet Coke (1)
-- 1/2 bottled Starbucks (x)
-- 1 cup fat-free yogurt, frozen (80)
-- Grape nuts (50)
-- Mini plum (25)
-- 2 fried eggs (160)
-- Caesar dressing (150)
-- 1 cup orange juice (90)
That's 556 calories. It's only 6pm.
Everything got a bit too much for me last night. I had a major breakdown, and then attempted to binge. Didn't get very far as you saw - only had the salad, and the chocolate, and a piece of fruit - before I realised it was a terrible idea. Still, it was enough to put me up to 164.4 this morning. I woke up with a new sense of purpose: to hit 1000 calories per day and start working out. At least until I'm under 160. I can't deal with the instability of extreme restriction. It makes me feel shit, and I end up freaking out and bingeing out of stress. Maybe when my weight isn't in such a precarious place I can snap back into the lower numbers. For now, it's 1000 minimum while I try to tone up and shed some of this fat in a "semi-healthy" way.
That's what I'm telling myself anyway.
-- Diet Coke (1)
-- 1/2 bottled Starbucks (x)
-- 1 cup fat-free yogurt, frozen (80)
-- Grape nuts (50)
-- Mini plum (25)
-- 2 fried eggs (160)
-- Caesar dressing (150)
-- 1 cup orange juice (90)
That's 556 calories. It's only 6pm.
Everything got a bit too much for me last night. I had a major breakdown, and then attempted to binge. Didn't get very far as you saw - only had the salad, and the chocolate, and a piece of fruit - before I realised it was a terrible idea. Still, it was enough to put me up to 164.4 this morning. I woke up with a new sense of purpose: to hit 1000 calories per day and start working out. At least until I'm under 160. I can't deal with the instability of extreme restriction. It makes me feel shit, and I end up freaking out and bingeing out of stress. Maybe when my weight isn't in such a precarious place I can snap back into the lower numbers. For now, it's 1000 minimum while I try to tone up and shed some of this fat in a "semi-healthy" way.
That's what I'm telling myself anyway.
Wednesday, 1 July 2015
Mojito nights
It's midnight, I'm on the couch. Just got very upset about my sister. She's been so horrible to everyone, and she's leaving to move to LA in August, so it's a terrible and upsetting way to end things. She has completely butchered her relationship with my mum and is now doing the same with me. Anyway, I've spent an hour crying about it but I actually had a nice evening with Caro. We got sushi, and then a mojito next door to the sushi place. It was lovely, although I was anxious about calories. I've been feeling fat all day.
Today's death list:
-- Diet Coke (1)
-- 1/2 cantaloupe melon (90)
-- Apple juice (110)
-- Apple juice (110)
-- Piece of homemade bread, with butter (~130)
-- Black coffee (x)
-- Black coffee (x)
-- 2 slices pizza with mayo (~300) <-- eaten with my family, and they were quite conservative slices, but I'm pissed at myself nevertheless.
-- 1/2 bottled Starbucks iced coffee (x)
-- Sushi: Avocado maki, cucumber maki, inari nigiri (Google says 600)
-- Mojito, fresh (x)
Total: 1231. And that's not even counting the alcohol or coffee. Who thought up that stupid rule?
Fuck this shit.
I officially hate myself.
I told Caro I wanted to lose about 10 pounds (huge under-exaggeration). She said if I lost 10 pounds in a month she'd be worried. I don't want people to worry about me. Especially not her. She is so cool, collected and together and knows her shit (she studies Neuroscience - naturally she will ward me away from that path wherever possible). Now I feel fucking trapped. I didn't say anything much to her, just: I'd like to lose the weight I gained, and fit back into my old clothes. She wasn't impressed. She said I needed to stop perpetuating the cycle by actually designing a sustainable plan I could stick to.
I wanted to say to her, no. I'm doing it my way. But she'll know if I'm restricting. All my friends will. I'll just have to pass it off as going to the gym.
I hate that everyone knows I used to have eating issues. Now I can't do anything anymore without being watched and judged like a hawk. I know they have my best interests at heart but seriously.
I just want to be thin. And left alone in peace to enjoy it.
Is that too much to ask?
EDIT: Binged. Typically. On a bar of chocolate, a salad with mayo, olives and plums. That's a binge to me now. And yes, I can feel the water weight already accumulating under the skin.
No weighing tomorrow. Caffeine and nothing much else will be all that passes my lips. Ugh.
Day 5
W: 163.0.
4.2 lbs in 4 days.
It's 3pm and I'm sitting on the couch with a Diet Coke - it's still an inferno here, and I slept really badly. My attic bedroom seems to collect all the heat from the entire house, plus the sun hits my side of the roof, which is why I can't seem to settle during the night. We don't have any fans in the house, so I might move to the couch tonight as it's ten times cooler down here.
Feel in a bad mood for some reason. That comment last night from my mother really got to me. It wasn't her fault, bless her, and hey it was the truth, after all. I have gained weight, in my thighs especially. It's fine. If anything it's just an excuse to lose more now.
Intake so far:
-- Diet Coke (1)
-- 1/2 cantaloupe melon (90)
The plan for today is: have a bath, shave my legs so I can wear a dress today, get dressed, get out of the house. Then it's sushi later with the girls. I'll just get something very small (cucumber maki, or something similarly low-fat) and call it a day there. Maybe I should start counting coffee calories. I don't know. I need to get myself under 160 as soon as humanly possible. Round 2 of shooting starts in 6 days. 159 by then is a perfectly reasonable goal, then I will continue to lose throughout filming.
4.2 lbs in 4 days.
It's 3pm and I'm sitting on the couch with a Diet Coke - it's still an inferno here, and I slept really badly. My attic bedroom seems to collect all the heat from the entire house, plus the sun hits my side of the roof, which is why I can't seem to settle during the night. We don't have any fans in the house, so I might move to the couch tonight as it's ten times cooler down here.
Feel in a bad mood for some reason. That comment last night from my mother really got to me. It wasn't her fault, bless her, and hey it was the truth, after all. I have gained weight, in my thighs especially. It's fine. If anything it's just an excuse to lose more now.
Intake so far:
-- Diet Coke (1)
-- 1/2 cantaloupe melon (90)
The plan for today is: have a bath, shave my legs so I can wear a dress today, get dressed, get out of the house. Then it's sushi later with the girls. I'll just get something very small (cucumber maki, or something similarly low-fat) and call it a day there. Maybe I should start counting coffee calories. I don't know. I need to get myself under 160 as soon as humanly possible. Round 2 of shooting starts in 6 days. 159 by then is a perfectly reasonable goal, then I will continue to lose throughout filming.
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