I hate Mondays

Weight = 172.0 lbs.

Weight lost in the past 4 days = 5.2 lbs.

Days til Canada = 8.

Food death list =

PB(2)&J - 200 kcal
Popcorn, chocolate - 100 kcal
Ham sandwich - 260 kcal  
Macchiato, soy - 240 kcal
Edamame salad - 145 kcal
Crisps - 180 kcal
Olive bread w/tomato relish - 300 kcal

Total = 1425 kcal

The edamame salad was about the only healthy thing I consumed all day. I'm so pissed at myself for the popcorn and the ham sandwich. Vegan diet needs to be resumed tomorrow. I've run out of Ritalin and so my appetite has returned with a vengeance. Tomorrow: soup, salad, fruit and coffee only. And essay-writing. So much essay-writing. Ugh.

Vegan cyclist bullshit, take 2 (day 5)

Weight: 174.2

Intake:

- Porridge with flax, banana, peanut butter (100)

- Caramel macchiato, soy (240)

- Vegan sushi box (330) 

- Diet Coke (1)

- 1 punnet tomatoes (65)
- Rice and avocado (600)

Total: 1336 

Vegan cyclist bullshit, take 2 (day 4)

Weight: 174.6

- PB&J (200)

- 1/2 peach (30)

- Caramel macchiato, soy (240)

- 1/2 avocado salad (150)

- 1 cup multivitamin juice (85)

- Thai Green curry w/noodles (400)

- Crisps (150)

Total: 1255 

Vegan cyclist bullshit, take 2 (day 3)

Weight: 175.8

- 1 baked potato (135)
- 1 sweet potato (180)
- 1 banana (90)
- 1 tbsp. peanut butter (95)
- 1 punnet raspberries (60)
- Caramel macchiato, soy (200)
- 2 cups spring greens (80)
- 1/2 avocado salad (150)
- 1 cup peas (100)
- 1 cup multivitamin juice (85)
- 1 lentil burger (180)

Total: 1355

Rant

I feel like I just don't know anymore. Like, what is my life right now? This term has been an utter shit fest. I'm freaking out about Christmas. Am I really going to be able to get enough weight off to feel good about myself when I see my father on the 8th? That's a big anxiety. I can't handle the comments. Losing weight isn't for them, it's for me - a protective, waterproof agent, there purely so that any criticism can just slide right off. It's a preventive measure, damage control. My own self-loathing at this weight bounces right off me and onto them, and they pick up on it, and make comments. And then I'm going to freaking Los Angeles for Christmas. Where my actress sister now works in the coolest vintage clothing store, and where I will be expected to parade around in the streets of Melrose in skimpy summer outfits. God, I just hate it all with a passion. My plan is to ditch the 6 pounds that have me rooted in the 170s by Wednesday. Yes, Wednesday. Four days away. If it takes laxatives, and barely eating, and feeling hungry all the time, so be it. I'm already grouchy as hell.

Vegan cyclist bullshit take 2 (day 2)

Cycling didn't happen. And, because my body isn't used to the large amounts of food, I gained .4 of a lb. Not a big gain, admittedly, and it's better than gaining on 800 calories (which started to happen earlier this month, if you can believe it). It's 4pm and I've had two baked potatoes (no oil) with sriracha ketchup, and a 3 banana-maple syrup-cinnamon smoothie. Purely functional food. I've said this before, but I really want to just see food solely as something I have to shovel in to get energy and nutrients. Everything that doesn't have sugar (sweet, pure, fat-free energy), caffeine (appetite-suppressing, calorie-negligible goodness) or some kind of psychoactive property, like clean pharmaceuticals (Ritalin) or nicotine (Menthol smokes) is a waste of time. Fat is disgusting. The way other people slather meat in butter and then fry it makes me feel sick. The food I snack on late at night when I'm feeling bored or alone also makes me sick. My own sick demands, as a fleshy, messy, neurotic human being. I need to be better, stronger, faster. Right now I'm a 175-pound lump and I don't even recognise myself.

This week is going to be hell. I have either a class or a meeting or something else every day, two essays, shit tons of reading for my course, oh and then Mummy is coming up on Saturday. Hopefully I won't be dead by then. I refuse to weigh a pound over 168 by the weekend. I don't need the comments. I need to look well, and overweight is not well. Also, clothes shopping and dinner might happen. Time for damage control.

Vegan cyclist bullshit take 2 (day 1)

Morning weight: 174.8

- 2 bananas (200)
- 2 tbsp peanut butter (195)
- Couscous, houmous, tapenade, spinach (350)
- Macchiato, soy (180)
- Spaghetti + passata wine sauce (500)
- Raisins/cashews (200)
- Crisps (350)

Total: 1975

New goals:

-Not eating after 12
-Bike every day (aim for 15k)
-164 by Canada (8th Dec)
-160 by L.A. (19th Dec)
 
The goal is then to maintain at 160... indefinitely. I never thought I'd say this, but hitting the "technically overweight" band on a (admittedly questionable, online) BMI scale has really thrown things into perspective for me. I've had some realisations. Namely, that weighing 160 at 5'9, bordering on 5'10, is really not all that awful. Also, that veganism is the way to go. It's literally the only way I can eat over 1500 calories a day without gaining weight. And I'm goddamn sick of gaining weight, let's be honest. Thirdly, I'm going to freaking Canada. In 17 days to be precise. I'm losing a minimum of ten pounds in that time, no excuses. Even it means pedalling my goddamn heart out on the exercise bike twice daily. Ten pounds, 17 days, no excuses.

I would like to find a way to make fruits and veggies constitute my entire diet. I'm beginning to really loathe other things. Regular food makes me feel insane. Maybe that's just plain weird, but the food other people eat just freaks me out. I hate that it's abnormal to eat five bananas for lunch instead of a hermetically sealed four-day-old beef(?) sandwich from the campus library cafe. I get a kick out of being unusual. Plus, this is something to get angsty about. A good excuse for rage and rageful positivity. I want to be better than other people; it's what drove my eating disorder forward in the first place. This is a vaguely acceptable way to do it. Carpe f*cking diem. Long live the vegan weirdo bullshit (for the three-hundredth time this year).

I hate myself

I hit the highest weight I've ever seen on a pair of scales on Saturday. 181 fucking pounds. Writing it makes me feel deeply ashamed, but there it is. Which actually constitutes as overweight, both in the emotional sense (feeling oneself to be far too large) and the literal sense (BMI teetering over the edge of 26). I've got a rotten relationship with food. I don't trust it; I don't trust that eating it or not eating it will make a difference, and I don't trust that it wants anything other than to work against me. It's weird to personify food in this way, as the devil or such, but the reality is that on the night prior to hitting 181, I ate only a grand total of 1400 calories - an amount that never before would have caused a five-pound weight gain in one sitting. I don't understand food, and it doesn't understand me. I can't eat normal quantities anymore. My metabolism is butchered from years of fucking around.

The plan (and there has to be a plan, otherwise it all really is shot to hell):

- 1 c. cereal (130)
- 1/2 c. fruit (60)
- Black coffee (15)
- 150-calorie dinner

Day Two

I ended up going out to Byron with Lina, and demolishing half of a veggie burger with french fries. So Day One was shot to hell, but in my head it was worth it. This morning I weighed 171.2. 

The plan is a 500 calorie limit:

- 1 c. cereal with almond milk (180)

- 1/2 c. raspberries (60)

- Whatever's around for dinner (200 max.)

Plus chocolate, because there's a lot of that lying around the house.

I was told it would be better than this

I hit my highest weight this week. I made a vow to myself, at some point, that I wouldn't ever exceed 150, at any point. Well, that one failed. I exceeded 170 by a long shot and I continue to slip up and lose control. My life's fairly broken at the moment. I've been ill for two weeks, the kind of ill that prevents one from actually leaving the house for much longer than half an hour. My eyes are red and hollow looking. I'm bloated and my digestion is shot. I can't seem to get back into the 160s. I already started and ruined a relationship this term, with an Italian musician, of all people. I refuse to see him until I am myself again. This can't be me; this can't be all there is. My own mediocrity astounds me. I'm so slow and lethargic that I barely metabolise enough not to gain on 1,200 calories a day. It's time to restrict again, in earnest, and sort myself out.

I organised my room, stringing up all my best blacks and whites on an industrial steel clothing rail, and it actually makes me feel motivated to fit into all my old clothes. Wanting to shrink to belong in my own room.

Today's intake so far:

- 1 c. cereal with almond milk (180)
- 1/4 tomatoey pasta dish (154)
- Hoummous (100)
- Diet Coke (1)

I'm 168.8 lbs. And no, that's not a dodgy reading, I got the same number 10 times weighing myself in multiple places in the bathroom. I don't even know how the fuck I managed to gain on 1179 calories, or how my weight actually went up overnight (I weighed 167.8 before sleeping) but probably it had something to do with the fact that I had 4 cold and miserable hours' sleep on the shitty air mattress I've been using this week because all the beds are in my new apartment. I get a better night's sleep on the couch. I'm literally so pissed off. I told my mum I wanted half an hour alone or I'll be pissed off all day. She can't stop interrupting me for things, helping her with this or that. I feel bad for complaining and any other day I'd be happy to help her but not today. Today I want to punch a brick wall. And it just so happens to be the day I have to go out and meet people, and have coffee, and go clothes shopping. I mean kill me now. My past self would have been horrified at the idea of me going shopping at 168.8 lbs. What the fuck, why do I even bother rounding down? I'm 170 pounds. 170 giant fucking pounds and I'm never going to change.  

If it's possible to drop 4 pounds of water weight overnight I'm sure as hell going to try. I had a Diet Coke, a fat free yogurt and a bagel and then swallowed 20mg of Ritalin. That's 340 calories. If I only have coffee when I'm out, and a 250-calorie ready meal when I'm home, the day shouldn't technically come to more than 1000 calories. Well, I say 1000, more like 700, but I'd rather tell myself it's 1000 than underestimate and wind up bingeing out of panic and frustration.

* EDIT: 20 mins into taking Ritalin -

I actually had a lovely day with my mother yesterday. We did some rounds of the home and furniture shops and looked at bric-a-brac, pointing at this and that. Sometimes, when I can behave like an adult, and appear as if I have my shit pulled together, my mum is my best friend in the whole world. Then I fall apart and turn into an angry adolescent again, and we end up arguing. We ate carrot sticks together in the evening and the thought crossed my head that perhaps she would be far more cooperative with me if I were the perfect 22 year-old woman: thin, refined, anorexic and organised, with a touch of OCD and a penchant for dipping raw vegetables in mustard when hungry. It's my full intention to become that person; I just don't know how/when it will happen. Sometimes I think that I'm very anorexic in my mind, and then I remember that once upon a time I was borderline anorexic, weighing a little under 124 lbs at 15. I didn't appreciate my BMI of 18.3 back then, but nor was I sophisticated enough to work it at the time. I was scrawny rather than svelte, flabby rather than muscular, and deranged and derailed rather than fussy and neurotic. I don't want to be 124 lbs again, because I don't want to look ill (and I would). 140 lbs would work, if I had the matching persona to go with it. 140 would be fine, maybe 135, but one doesn't need to be truly underweight to appear as such. There are other factors than can come into play such as muscle mass and bone density and dress sense. I'm bigger than I was then, not just height wise (almost an inch taller) but also I'm a lot stronger. A lot of this weight is muscle, which is fine, but it's not what I want - at least, not with the fat I've gained along with it. My arms and legs seem so huge to me. Some of that might be muscle, a lot of it might be, and I'm sure it is but that's not what I want. I don't want my thighs to be bulging out of jeans. The ideal is to zap the fat without ruining the muscle, because being toned never hurt anyone. But I don't want guns.

I admit I was a little (read: very) derailed by the reading on the scales. I stepped on again after going to the bathroom and it said 166.8. So I don't know if it was a false reading or whether it was just water weight I had to "lose" in the morning. Either way, 166.8 isn't good enough and still constitutes a gain. Hideous, but maybe I can drop 2 additional ones today. That would make me 164 at the beginning of a new week, which is the lowest I've been in a while. And I'm sleeping on the couch. I have to get a train at 1pm and I refuse to be in a bad mood for the two-hour journey.

I don't know why I'm complaining so much. My life is pretty nice at the moment. I'm not working, I don't have to start reading course materials until next week, and I just got a new phone to replace the old one that kept breaking. So I should just plug in some bloody headphones and get on with it.

My sister called my mum on the phone yesterday and then passed over her manager-slash-Earth-Momma Dawn. Dawn's a total bitch at best but I try to put up with her. This is the same charming woman who consistently tells my sister I'm a jealous and toxic presence, and who, during an expedition to a New York flea market this Christmas, told me that if I wanted to hide I should. That is not the sort of advice one gives to someone with crushingly low self-esteem; it's the sort of advice that perpetuates the whole thing, and she of all people, at 5'6 and approximately 105 pounds, should know that. But whatever. I may be biased because shoot me, I don't much like the idea of my eighteen-year-old sister being pimped out by a 40 year old LA producer with peroxide hair and a missing finger. Oh, and I might mention that while I lie in my cold freezing air mattress cave all night, my sister is parading around Melrose Avenue buying wicker peacock furniture for her apartment and drinking iced matcha lattes in a pair of Lolita sunglasses. And yes, I'm bitter - can you tell?

Speaking frankly, I hate the America thing.

Day 3

- 3 fat-free dessert yogurts (180 cal)
- Coffee Light frappuccino (85 cal)
- Salad w Light House dressing (100 cal)
- Carrot sticks w chickpea/lentil dip (140 cal)
- 2 chicken breasts (295)
- 1 pc. rye bread (130 cal)
- 1 pkg. chips (169 cal)
- 1/3 cup Irish Cream (80 cal)

Total: 1179 cal

+ 20 mins calisthenics

Weight: 165.4 lbs

I didn't lose any more weight but am persevering anyway. Trying to have faith in the plan. My mother expressed some concern for the diet, telling me not to "get too obsessed". I told her I wouldn't go backwards, that this would help me. And I truly think it will. I want to fall back in love with clothes, and fashion, and making myself look adorable, and I don't think I can do that at eleven-and-a-half stone.

I want to join an adult ballet class when I get back to uni next week and start properly working out. I love the calisthenics routines, and my abs are killing from the other day still, but it's worth it. I'm seeing a change already.

The goal is to get down to 162 by sometime next week and then to maybe liquid fast for 3 days if I can handle it. It's so nice to think of getting back to 150s. Then I'll be on the straight and narrow until I get back to the 140s, my stellar weight on this blog.

Drive is picking me up tomorrow, in his car (surprise surprise) to go get lunch. Is it a date? Shot to hell if I know. Either way will let you know how it goes...

Day 2

- 1 nectarines (40 cal)
- 1.3 cup grapefruit juice (120 cal)
- Bircher muesli yogurt (175 cal)
- Cappuccino (100 cal)
- Sandwich (552 cal)
- Kabanos (206 cal)

Total: 1193 cal

Weight: 165.6 lbs          

Day 1

- 2 nectarines (80 cal)
- 1 cup grapefruit juice (95 cal)
- Cappuccino (100 cal)
- Sandwich (675 cal)
- 1 cup chilli tomato soup (100 cal)
- Red wine (50)
- Chocolate (100)

Total: 1200 cal

+ 40 mins calisthenics (I have a lil sit-up routine)

Weight: 166.2 lbs

600 cal a day keeps the doctor away.

I wanted to try 2-4-6-8 tomorrow, starting with the 800 day as I can't remember the last time I successfully had a day under 1,200 calories. But I'm going back to basics and doing what I did when I was 17, which was just 600 calories a day until I broke. Straight-forward, no bullshit calorie zigzagging and messing around. I'm ready to shake this range once and for all. I stepped on the scales multiple times at 2pm after waking up and they went from 166.8 to 167.4 back to 166.8. I don't know which number was accurate but the point is I don't want to be 160-anything. I've been here for literally a year and I've had enough of it. So 600 calories a day until I'm back to where I was, that's it. Either way I'm deciding that I need to go a bit extreme to successfully get back in the 150s then lower. I'm back in London this week then freshers starts next Monday or thereabouts, so I'm leaving again then. That means roughly seven days to get out of the 160s. I just need a jump start. I've been sleeping on the couch at home, and today I didn't wake up until lunch time, which felt terrible. It was my birthday on Sunday, and I stayed the night at Tina's which meant I had to wake up at 9 (she leaves for outpatient treatment every morning around 10/11) and it felt really good to be up that early. I got so much done that I didn't care about only having had 6 hours sleep. I'm working on an album at the moment, and it's something that feels very easy for me to keep returning to as I love doing it and it's cathartic and therapeutic in a way that writing often isn't. So I did that virtually all morning while Tina was at clinic and then I met her at 4pm and it felt like I'd actually had a productive day's work. Anyway, I want to do that every day. I want to design a perfect schedule that allows me to work on all of these creative passions in equal amounts with equal dedication and determination. Writing, making music, and film. Maybe I should find an acting class this term that isn't affiliated with the university. If such a thing exists.

I finally got my Ritalin prescription from the chemist's so I will making full use of it in a non-abusive-but-probably-slightly-abusive way... until I find a way to otherwise control my voracious and insatiable appetite.

* EDIT *

- FF Greek yogurt, blueberry (114)
- 1 banana with cinnamon (90)
- Muesli with skim milk (200)
- Soy cappuccino, vanilla (180)
- Chicken singapore noodles (300)
- Superfood salad (375)
- Cookie (290)
- More salad with cheese (300)
- Coca-Cola (100)

Total: 1949

This is a "good day" to me now, which is rather a kick in the teeth seeing it all written down like that. I feel bloated. I came back to Tina's house for the night, which opened the gateway to eating a big dinner and consequently feeling I should eat more to make it "worth it". I didn't need the cookie, but she was having one and for some reason that justified it to me. Same with the heavy dinner of noodles and salad. Even though it was "healthy", I'm not convinced. I'm rarely convinced that a dinner consisting of meat, dairy, and totalling over 600 calories is either worth it or entirely healthy for you and consequently, I feel bad. Bad enough to start restricting again seriously, if only to negate how utterly full and disgusted I feel right now. I feel shit looking at myself in the mirror. I don't understand how I let it get this bad. I don't know how anyone can say I look ok. My friends, my girlfriend, my ex-boyfriend. I look like a pig.

I've planned out tomorrow:

- 1 peach (30 cal)    
- Black coffee (0 cal)
- Mocha Light frappuccino (96 cal)
- Kids meal (275 cal)
- 20 slices Turkey w/ mustard (170 cal)

Total: 571 calories

Time to get my sh*t together

I want to try 2-4-6-8, or possibly just 4-6-8, obviously starting with the 800 day. Or maybe just burning off every single calorie I eat. I'm really sick of this shit.

Ballooned again, working it off as fast as possible. In two days I've gone from 170 to 165.6 lbs; my completely ridiculous but non-negotiable plan is to get down to 150 by the start of term. I cannot endure another month of this weight range, I just cannot. I hate what this body connotes about me. I want my body to be a weapon and an instrument, sharp and refined and disciplined. Not this lazy corpulent mass of flesh.

I haven't figured out what's causing me to self-sabotage yet, but I'm working on it. What's really hard for me is the night-time. When everyone goes to bed is when I take the opportunity to stuff my face with useless food items that have no nutritional benefit and only serve to comfort me when I'm feeling bored and hyperactive on my own. It's been such a while since I've restricted properly, so I'm giving it everything I've got because I know full well it's going to be a job.

I downloaded a pedometer onto my iPhone and I'm working on taking 10,000 steps a day as a bare minimum. It's actually a lot harder than you'd think and I've realised I really need to raise my activity level. No wonder I'm fat and listless, when I only take a couple of thousand steps a day. I've been jogging on the spot intermittently throughout the day because seeing the number go up is just so damn satisfying.

Thunder

Yesterday's weight: 168 
- Oats (250)
- Bagel (230)
- Toast (200)
- Diet Coke (1)

Today's weight: 164
- 3 eggs (210)
- Mustard (30)
- Diet orange squash (1)

This is either the diet of someone very broke, or very depressed; as of several weeks ago, I happen to be both. Yesterday I had a breakdown that prevented me from being able to take regular breaths of air for upwards of four hours, and led to my cancellation of a trip I promised my mother I'd accompany her on. We were supposed to be going to Copenhagen for three days, this morning. At 10 a.m., she left without me, after telling me how disappointed and upset she was. I slept only 3 hours, from 3 a.m. to 6 a.m., and couldn't get back to sleep. I feel like the worst person in the world... And my self-hatred is the best dieting tip ever. After gaining 7 pounds seemingly overnight without very much effort at all, over half of it is gone in the space of a day. I'm living off empty carbs, whatever's in the house. There's just bread, squash, condiments, some soup, and I had the last of the eggs for breakfast, although I wish I hadn't. They felt too indulgent.

I think if I eat enough of the boring foods I'll stop craving strong flavours and just learn to be content with a cheap, bland diet of toast, bananas, and tomato soup. I don't eat cheese and meat anymore, and during my gap year I remember easily being able to live off £10 or £15 a week, minus cigarettes. Extreme vegetarianism, extreme restriction and a willing to abuse my prescription pills will be the way to get the weight off. I don't care anymore. There's cider, and gin, and Bailey's, and wine in the fridge. I have all the goddamn meals I need.

I'll be at least twenty pounds lighter by the 30th September. That is non-negotiable.

Joyeux Dimanche

Happy Sunday! Sort of.

Well, I ate like a pig today. I was 162 again. The number is making me complacent. I may just stop weighing for a week... I say that now, but I highly doubt I'll be able to do that. It would be nice though, to look in a week and see something below this stubborn weight range.

This afternoon I literally couldn't find anything "normal" to eat for breakfast (I haven't done a proper shop in ages because I have no funds) so I had a weird-ass combination of 2 nectarines, a cinnamon raisin bagel, a Diet Coke and most of a tub of hummus. So that was delicious but very strange. I pretty much didn't eat all day apart from the 2 coffees I had (one black, at home, then a frappuccino when I was out). Then I came home and made a huge saucepan of pasta, olives and vegan green pesto which I promptly devoured. Afterwards I shared some blueberries with Mummy. So I don't know how much I actually ate calorie-wise but maybe that's a good thing, maybe I should try to be more intuitive, I don't know. I didn't exercise, which was bad (third day running), but I'll make up for it tomorrow.

I'm still hungry, and it's midnight. I am craving a midnight snack and I know there are gummy sweets downstairs, and peanut butter... ugh I'm just craving sweet stuff so badly at the moment. Alternatively there's more hummus. Life is hard.

I had this insane idea earlier that I want to lose twenty pounds before school starts again and become a perfect student so I can be that perfect girl in her perfect apartment next year. Going on some kind of OCD/manic work bender is so appealing to me right now, as I miss the school schedule I'm more easily able to impose on myself when I'm at university. Next year I really do want to be the perfect student. I was never the perfect student at school, and I hated those girls that just seemed to be able to juggle plates - the ones who were in sports, all the extracurriculars, and got perfect grades. I could have been like that but I was a lazy shit who relied on merit and arrogance to get by. This time I know that I can actually be one of those girls. I have an obsessive side; I just need to indulge it. I need to employ the same kind of manic energy I apply to cleaning the entire house every weekend in my schoolwork, reading and languages. I need to impose a rigid structure on myself during term-time and I need to forget about feeling "comfortable". Comfortable doesn't mean best, comfortable doesn't mean "winning".

Veganism chimes in well with all of this. If I'm vegan, I'm "clean". My diet is more "perfect" and "pure" than the person sitting next to me on the underground, or actually, most of my friends. As for the benefits of veganism in weight loss... well, I will have to reassess after spending a couple of months living off coffee with soy milk and whole-watermelon-monomeals.

I don't know if any of that made sense. I'm in a highly energetic mood, despite the lack of pills today. I suppose I need to make some kind of plan. One that involves ungodly amounts of caffeine, Ritalin, and Dettox.

EDIT: Midnight snack involves croutons, olives, more hummus, a peach, and gummy sweets... The real shit starts tomorrow.

Pilgrimage to holy sushi and other rants

According to Everyday Health, I burned 727 calories just by walking yesterday. Admittedly I walked for over three hours in the blazing heat from one side of West London to the other, all in the name of finding sushi. I found said sushi, and it was worth it. For about five seconds, until I realised how much food I'd consumed, stepped on the scale and saw 167.8 flash up at me a bunch of times.

For the record, I was 162 this morning, so I didn't actually gain. But I never want to see a number higher than 165 on my scales ever again. Seriously.

In some lights, this is very good news. 2000 calories of vegan food, and a couple of hours walking, and I've maintained. Even a month ago, that amount would have been weight-gain territory. So this, in its own little way, makes me happy.

Today I've eaten 3 bananas with peanut butter, an iced soy latte, 3 vegetable samosas with pakora dip, a full fat Coke (sugar craving, don't ask), a huge plate of steamed baby new potatoes with some sriracha ketchup and mustard (completely blanked on checking the calories, but I feel like it was probably a lot as I ate the whole bag - F U reduced Sainsbury's fruit and veg...), and a bag of banana chips. Then at 2 a.m., at some point during or maybe before I started crying on Skype to Lina about our relationship, I devoured most of a cinnamon-raisin bagel with peanut butter and Marmite. So yeah, I definitely hit around 2000 calories again today, but to make matters worse I didn't exercise. I just smoked a lot and felt like a sweaty pig dying somewhere in the Sudan.

More tomorrow...

Summertime Sadness

The OCD inventories can take a brief hiatus here. I got horribly upset last night, about my sister leaving. She's moving to LA in six days. Up until last night it hadn't quite felt like a reality. Then it all hit me. She's going to be alone in a flat in LA and she's 18 and the idea of it terrifies me. So I broke down crying on her shoulder and I think it was probably the first real hug she'd given me in over a year.

I fell asleep at maybe 4am, maybe earlier, I don't remember. Then I couldn't wake up. I don't know why. Whether it was because I felt psychologically or physically shit or both. At this point, waking up at 4pm feels almost suicide-inducing. There's no worse feeling these days. I'd happily take anything over those afternoons. I wish I could find a way to wake up at 6.30am every day and be tired enough to clock off by 11pm. 

I cannot do this anymore.  

I weighed 163 this morning. I have no idea why I gained, but I did. I ate some crisps that I thought were vegan but they weren't, they had cheese powder in them. What the fuck is "cheese powder" anyway? 

I'm going to the gym in half an hour or so, for a late-night biking session. I've had 2 frozen bananas liquified in the blender, with fruit sugar; a piece of bread and oil; a few plantain chips that were left over; an Innocent smoothie. Just over 500 calories. Post-workout snack will be a huge iced coffee with soy from Starbucks, because glorified over-priced caffeine-and-fat-laden milkshakes are really the way forward. I want to burn at least 400 calories at the gym. That way, even if I end up with an intake of 1300, my net will be <1000. Dinner will be... some kind of vegetable hoummous-y concoction. If said ingredients can be found in fridge.

EDIT
This evening I had a ton of brown rice, some soy sauce, sriracha, then a carrot salad with tomatoes and hoummous. I also had more of those crisps, regrettably, but I was starving. Didn't go to the gym but biked instead, only for 20 minutes this time but at least it was something. Also drank two coffees with soy from Starbucks while I called Lina on the phone.

Estimating net calories at 1250. Not terrible, not great either. And that's discounting the coffee, which is a stupid rule because obviously soy milk does have calories, but I'm stubborn and needy and the free coffee calorie rule makes me feel childishly secure.

Ugh.

Vegan cyclist bullshit, part 4

4/08 Intake
W: 163.2

Breakfast
- 2 banana/fruit sugar/water smoothie (250)
- Plantain chips (450)

Lunch
- Iced coffee, soy x 2 (x)

Dinner
- Falafel, brown rice, avocado, cilantro, lettuce, spring onions, sweet chilli and mustard balsamic vinaigrette (850)
- Diet Coke (1)

After dinner
- Peanut butter (120)
- Plantain chips (200)

+ 30 minutes moderate-to-high intensity cycling (-300 cals)
+ 2L water

Reading: 2 pages [28 still to do - carry over tomorrow]

Writing: 4 pgs (script)

Medications: 40mg Ritalin (20mg @ 3pm, 20mg @ 7.30pm)

Sleep: solid sleep from 3am - 6.30am; solid sleep from 6.45am-11.30am (took Melatonin/Beta-Blockers before bed)

NET 1571

Vegan cyclist bullshit, part 3

3/08 Intake
W: 164

Breakfast
- Banana, peach, apple, mint, apple juice smoothie (350)
- Tomato chilli pasta (260)

Lunch
- Black coffee (x)
- Muesli with soy milk (180)
- Apple juice (100)

Dinner
- Jasmine rice, bombay aloo, mango chutney, popadoms (850)
- Diet Coke (1)
- Soy coffee frappuccino (x)

+ 40 minutes moderate-to-high intensity cycling (-400 cals)
+ 3L water

Sleep: solid sleep from 4am - 10am; intermittent snoozing from 10am-1pm

NET 1341

Vegan cyclist bullshit, part 2

Following on from yesterday's post, just did another 40 minute bike ride and now my thighs are killing me, but another 20 tomorrow and a gym workout and I know I can get addicted to this feeling. I had a banana, mint, peach and apple smoothie for breakfast, followed by a bowl of tomato pasta at 4pm. So that's around 550 calories so far, and I'm going to have some cereal now. Dinner will probably be another bowl of pasta, some fruit, and black coffee. Or rice and avocado depending on what I want.

Lina is in France so communication is infrequent and via dodgy wifi. Seeing Tina tomorrow, then we have maybe 9 or 10 days before shooting starts again. So in my mind, that's 9 or 10 days to lose 5 or 6 pounds and plummet myself back into the 150s. I'm agitated about my calories. I don't know whether to keep restricting with this vegan thing, or just allow myself to eat freely and continue to work out. I know the former will produce results, but the second option is more sustainable.      

I'm trying to write this screenplay on spec, but I literally have no idea what will become of it, whether it will even be useful. But I need a new project. Admittedly, the idea of filling my days with writing, smoothies and cycling is incredibly appealing, especially since I now know I only need sparse company to actually maintain a normal level of happiness. Writing is fulfilling and I haven't been doing much of it lately, just occasionally entertaining these brief and random creative ideas that never seem to go anywhere. So I need to get back to that. My other option is sitting on my ass watching movies until the 22nd of August, which won't do anything for me, beyond the instant gratification of being a lazy shit. No - the dream here is to be athletic, to use my body, to live my life. To write a little, sleep a little, eat enough good food to stay healthy and reap the rewards. Next year will be a dream, if all goes to plan. Finally we'll have our own space, and I can just get on with doing my thing. I wish there was a way to earn some money over the next month, but nothing looks promising. Again, living in poverty for a couple of months has its own sordid appeal, so maybe a steady diet of bananas and brown rice won't be so bad after all.

Becoming a chiselled bastard who only sleeps 6 hours a night and subsists off of green smoothies is a number one ambition of mine. The trick is entertaining myself enough that I actually want to wake up.

Vegan cyclist bullshit, part 1

For a long time I sort of lost track of what I was eating, and what I weighed. We shot some scenes, and holed up in Bash's house for the best part of a week. I was on a come-down, and Lina's left now, which made me feel horribly upset, but I think things are going to start to look up soon. There are things to look forward to. Moving into the new apartment on the 22nd, and that will be great. Last night L and I talked about veganism and watched a bunch of cycling videos to amp ourselves up. We want to become superhuman vegan athletes. It's nice to have someone to do this with. Plus this always seems like the right thing to do - to cut out the b*llshit and just eat clean. It makes me feel and look my best.

We took out the bikes so I'm gonna start cycling round the park every day to train. There's an olympic-sized velodrome at the university, so getting into racing would be cool.

Breakfast
- 3 banana/fruit sugar/water smoothie (350)
- Iced soy cappuccino (x)

Lunch 
- Cauliflower rice, tomatoes, parsley, spring onions, garlic, soy sauce (150)
- 1.5 cups orange juice (175)

Dinner
- Brown rice (410)
- Avocado (250)
- Sriracha (5)

Snacks
- Whole wheat toast (90)
- Banana (100)
- Cinnamon (0)
- Dates and peanut butter (300)

1830

Only 1 can of Diet Coke today. Not even upset about that number. Progress.

The Great July Stint part 2

The Stint, in all honesty, hasn't started yet. Trying to fix my sleep. Got back to London on Saturday night with Lina and feel vaguely weird about everything. I don't really know what I'm doing with my summer, or my diet, or my life. I need to get a job. We ordered Chinese tonight. Rice, curry, noodles and cashew chicken. I wish I was still a vegan, it was so satisfying even if I never lost any weight. My body seems to have become exceedingly comfortable with staying in the 161/162 range. Gym starts this week, and I'll try to litter my CV around somewhat. In bed now with Lina and it's 3am, which is early for me. Hoping to wake up in the a.m. and go buy some fruit for smoothies. Also I need to quit smoking so much. I suck.

The Great July Stint part 1

I'm staying in my university accommodation. It's hard to know what I'm actually doing here. I suppose it's all under the guise of "sorting myself out", but only if sorting myself out secretly includes 3am orders to Dominos while on Skype to Lina and waking up at 10pm at night in a state of intense confusion. Yes, really - 10pm. I can't even remember what time I fell asleep but I'm pretty sure it was somewhere around midday.

It's now 5pm on Thursday; I woke up at 2.30, which to me is just as good as "resetting". At 3pm, I weighed 161.8.

This is "progress", but only for the fact that I weighed 161.8 after four days of gorging myself on 1200+ calories (and drinking on most of those nights). I have to remind myself that it's not normal to gain on 1500 calories - in fact, by most "normal" people's standards, 1500 calories is a diet. As it stands, being 19 days deep into a self-imposed summer restricting stint, 1500 calories is approximately 87.5 per cent more calories than what I have become comfortable with. And entirely not good enough.

I've set my "final" goal weight at 153 pounds for now - far enough under 160 not to get back into this range after a weekend of bad eating; far enough above 150 not to be tempted to immediately push to 140s, then lower, which could set me up for re-bound weight gain. I suppose my plan is to hit mid-150s, then channel all this obsessive crap into extreme healthy eating and exercise. I know I always say that, but when I'm actually there I think it'll be something I want to hold onto.
 
I want to be done with restricting by the end of August at the latest, by the time we move into the new apartment (~22nd). That gives me around 5 weeks to lose around 8 pounds, which doesn't sound that bad in itself - except it's me, and past evidence would appear to corroborate my paranoid theory that 8 pounds can take just about forever.

Without further ado, here are the rules:

- 900 calorie a day limit;
- Counting everything, including alcohol, and coffee;
- Plenty of water and caffeine, as per usual;
- Starting from next Monday, regular work-outs. As many as I can possibly persuade myself into.

Bring it on.

Unlucky 13

I have no idea why I'm even writing this post. Today was terrible. I didn't get to sleep until 8am and when I woke, at 2, I weighed 162.2 eleven times, then 161.4 once, then 161.8 twice. Then I practically slammed out of the bathroom and promptly devoured a banana, 2 tbsp peanut butter, vegetable stir-fry, and almost a litre of purple grape juice.

The day started off shit. The frantic kitchen mini-binge, whilst more controlled than its previous counterparts, reminded me of my gap year. This whole week has reminded me of my gap year, and it's been horrible. I don't know what has happened to me. I took 40mg of Ritalin, glugged 12oz of water, and tried to forget about it. I then called Lina (I was still, comparatively, in an OK mood at this point - despite a. the bad reading, b. my skin having gotten worse, and c. having just voraciously consumed almost all of my intake out of panic) and chain-smoked until I felt like getting in a bath.

I totted it all up, roughly, and I think it came to around 800 calories. And that's being generous.

Tonight was worse. My mum came home, I started crying because I felt so awful, my mum shouted at me, and then things escalated from there. I ended up a snivelling, shaking wreck on my bed, frantically messaging Lina that I just need to get out of this place for a while. Then I booked a train ticket for tomorrow night. For an indefinite stay at university.

I feel sick with guilt. I haven't seen my friends in a week; I haven't been to the gym in a week; I haven't really gone outside for a week, or engaged with my family. I hate how much I'm hurting my mother. All she wants is for me to help out and stay generally sane when she gets home. I'm such a disappointment to everyone, and I can't stand it.

Day 12

Intake:
-- Steel-cut oats (150)
-- Diet Coke (1)
-- Ham and mustard sandwich (295)
-- Wholegrain chips (120)
-- 1/2 Elderflower cider (x)
Total: 566

The ridiculously low number of calories wasn't intentional, at least not consciously intentional. I had an argument with my mother about why I didn't want to go outside or come downstairs to talk today. I felt so depressed, antisocial and on edge that it took every ounce of will I had not to pack my bags and catch the next train out of London, back to my university accommodation. The thing that stopped me? My skin still hasn't healed. My chin is an exploding volcano. I have scabs from picking. I can't possibly go outside.

Consequently, I didn't leave the house until 10pm, and when I did, it was to call my father on a walk. My father, ranting and raving, told me he did not have the money to fly me out to see him this August. Which is just as well, because I've proven myself to be a truly haphazard and failure-prone person as of late. If I can't get out of bed here, I certainly won't be able to get out of bed in LA when I have an angry parent and sibling yelling at me when their plans go to shit.

For the record, my naive, angry, crazy eighteen year-old sister is supposed to be moving out there for a year (alone) in exactly a month. I won't even begin to go into the ethics of it all. The whole thing just gives me a fucking aneurism.

A 600-calorie diet should officially carry a warning for making you irate, on edge, manic, intensely nervous and moody, but it doesn't, and I forget this every single time. Then wonder why, just short of two weeks into restricting, I feel so bad. The skin thing hasn't helped matters. It took about half a bottle of concealer to actually convince me to leave the house, and when I did, I still worried that people would see the state of my face - in the dark.

I have serious problems.

Technically, I should lose another pound soon, considering it's now customary for me to stay at a number for a maximum of 2-3 days before dropping. Today, before eating, I weighed 161.4. This number doesn't mean anything to me now, when a week ago, it was all I could think about. And I actually felt slim yesterday. Today, alternatively, by some distortion of time or mood or something else, I suddenly look "enormous". This range simply will not do. I don't even think the 150s will do it for me now, but at least they're familiar, and I know I've gotten out of them before.

On the menu tomorrow: those konjac noodles, because my artistic brain recognises it as an opportunity to be creative for a minimal amount of calories. And, coffee. Always coffee.

Day 11

Intake:
-- 1/4 c. steel-cut oats (90)
-- Almond milk (25)
-- 1/2 c. raspberries (40)
-- 4 rice cakes (112)
-- 2 eggs (180)
-- Mustard (5)
-- Courgette "spaghetti" (google says 42, not 125... so we'll go with that)
-- 2 leaves Pak-Choi (4)
-- Teriyaki sauce (50)
-- Sunbites (134)
-- Starbucks coffee (x)
Total: 682

I feel... surprisingly full. Ended up buying the zucchini/courgette noodles and they were amazingly good, sauteed with the greens in some sauce. Definitely going to get those again seeing as it wasn't the traumatic experience I expected. I may or may not eat more. I do feel rather stuffed on a surprisingly small amount of calories, though, so I may take advantage of that. If I get hungry later I'll eat some dairy-free orange chocolate that I bought on my travels.

Also, I bought konjac noodles. You know, the ones with "0 calories" (more like 20 per serving, but whatever). They have a kind of odd chewy texture, but I feel like when you're starving, these kinds of weird-ass foods don't register as weird anymore. Potential lunch tomorrow? I'm just going to cover them in teriyaki sauce and hope for the best.

Earlier when I was in the kitchen cooking dinner my mother asked if I had lost weight. My response? "Uh... no. Maybe? Have I? I don't think so... maybe?" I am so poorly equipped for these kinds of questions. She said I looked like I'd lost weight from "around my middle". I don't know if that means my waist, or hips, or what, but it was strangely gratifying even if I can't see it myself. 

Sometimes I think my self-judgement is very poor. Lina, also, pointed out that my weight loss was noticeable everywhere, including my face. I don't see it. Or at least, I didn't, until I walked down to the centre to get a coffee - (that's why I'm full) - and caught sight of myself in the window pane reflection of a shop front. 

My legs looked... longer. And distinctly thinner around the top. My face, when I snuck a glimpse while walking past, happened to catch the light in a way that made me look (dare I say it) gaunt.  

This is all very odd. While 160 pounds is nowhere near what I or the rest of society would consider skinny, it was noticeable to me - admittedly, only for a split-second, but a long split-second - that I had lost weight. 

I don't know what to make of it, because in my head, anything above 150 at my height is huge. But today 160 felt okay. It felt manageable. It felt "slim". I felt lighter in my step, and it was fucking weird. 

All this leads me to believe that I would probably, despite previous discussion on this blog, actually be satisfied with weighing 145 pounds by the end of summer. 145 when I was 18 felt hideous; 145 at almost-22-and-getting-older-by-the-day feels... really not so bad. More than "not so bad", it actually sounds pretty damn good. And if I can feel halfway decent at a body mass index of 23.5, a BMI 21.5 frame is nothing to complain about. 

It's a pity I have to use controversial and "unhealthy" methods to get there, but my projected maintenance plan is so goddamn healthy that in my mind, this sort of cancels it out. (Sort-of being the operative term: I'm aware that starving yourself intentionally is never the best choice, and I absolutely do not promote restriction as a solution. However as someone who's been on the eating disorder spectrum for almost eight years, restricting's not a choice anymore, but rather a consequential and, for the most part, unavoidable dilemma - until I get to a place at which I finally feel more sane than in-sane. Or, at least, that's how it feels sometimes).  

Miracle of God

By some miracle of God, or maybe just the laxatives I took last night, the scales read 161.8 when I woke up. I didn't gain. I'm not sure if that's a fluke or not, but I'm praying that it's not. Because if I do good today I could be 160 tomorrow, and 159 on Thursday, and so on.

I'm hoping that the promise of breaking the 150s in the next few days is enough to propel me head-first into extreme restriction mode. I'm not going out, I'm being an antisocial bitch and avoiding everyone, in part because I feel shitty about my appearance, but mostly because I can't deal with the interruption. Or the questions. Caro has made her opinion on this perfectly clear: restricting is dumb. Well, I can't be bothered to argue, so I'll just have to hide it.

-- 1/4 c. steel-cut oats (90)
-- Almond milk (25)
-- 1/4 c. raspberries (20)

Since when was 135 a scary number for a breakfast meal? Now, suddenly, terrifyingly, it seems like just a "little" too much.

Tesco sells its own brand of "courgette spaghetti" (commonly known to the rest of the world - namely America - as zucchini noodles) that is somewhere around 125 calories for the entire tub. 125 also seems like too much, now that I think about it, but I suppose it's just vegetables "shaped" into what looks like pasta. This could be invigorating and mildly panic-inducing in equal measure. I... can't remember the last time I ate an actual pasta dish that wasn't a salad.

What would one even put with such a thing? Sauce? Dressing? I have no idea. This is what happens when I "branch out" for dinner options. I overthink everything.  

I've lost ~7 lbs in 11 days. Is it unreasonable to want to ditch 10 more in the next 10? We'll see.

Feelings

Should I cut to 800 calories until I see 159? Or 600?

I don't know anymore. I just want this whole process to speed the f*ck up. I need to be back in the 150s, for good. For my sanity, for mental clarity. For some sense of control.

I have a feeling I'll weigh 162 or 163 again tomorrow, without reason. I feel heavy and bloated. Heavier than last night. My body is so fucked that a cup-a-soup will be the difference between a loss and a gain.

I need to devise a plan to lose ~3 lbs in 3 days. To see 159 by Friday.

That is my current goal, the first official, concrete goal I've made since I started writing again.

159 on Friday I will be.

I can't stand this wait. It really does feel like I'm waiting. For the weight to fall off and the stress of the last year to fall away.

Let the tomato soup, rice cake and fruit diet commence.

Oh yeah, and I swallowed a bunch of laxatives about ten minutes ago, when the 3am reading told me 166. Fuck that shit.

Day 10

Weight: 161.6

Intake:

-- 2 peaches (76)
-- Banana (95)
-- Peanut butter (150)
-- Smoothie: banana, coconut, pineapple (189)
-- Cherry tomatoes (40)
-- Avocado (160)
-- Grated carrot (80)
-- Hoummous (50)
-- Roast gammon (150)
-- Diet coke (1)

Total: 991 calories

I didn't have the soup or the tomatoes yesterday. I guess I was worried it would make me gain, so I held out. Lost another pound. I don't know why seeing the weight loss doesn't register anymore in this range. Maybe because, as I said before, I've been stuck in the 160s for so long I just don't care anymore. 161, 168, it all feels the same to me. I'm sure I will feel very relieved when I hit 159 and lower. After all (to my memory) 160 is the heaviest I ever became whilst journalling in this blog. Once I get to 159, it's an easy path down the scale. Back to old and more familiar weights, and in their familiarity those numbers will bring a great deal of comfort to me.

So (I think) shooting is now being pushed back two weeks. It's just as well though, because my skin needs time to recover until I'm on set again, and it means bonus weight loss before we start. Weirdly, I could be well into the 150s by then. I wonder if the weight discrepancies will look odd on film, but maybe it works for the character. We can always re-shoot I guess.

I made a lifestyle decision to cut out dairy. Not for some fad or aesthetic appeal, but because I have genuinely come to the realisation that I am sensitive, if not intolerant, to cow's milk. This is something I have to accept and deal with. No one else with an allergy would continue to eat that food "just because it tastes good". And just because I have been eating cheese for 21 years, doesn't mean it doesn't affect me. When I cut out dairy this year everything was better: my skin, my periods, my digestion, my energy. So I'm veto-ing the dairy, for good I hope. It's sad because I love yogurt and cheese so much but having those products every day is just not agreeing with my system.

Not much else to report on. Been sitting in my room for days watching trashy TV and movies on Netflix. Hiding from the outside.

Finally put on some makeup at 10pm and walked to the shop for some Coke. Ended up buying oats, rice cakes and mustard. Weirdest f*cking combination of foods.

I don't even know anymore.

I suppose I just have to push through, and push really hard, until I am nestled comfortably in the 150s. I don't much care for eating this little, although I have sort of got used to it now after 10 days' worth of restricting. It would probably feel bizarre to eat a heavy meal at this point. I have crisps stashed in my drawer, but I don't wish to binge. It would be completely pointless to binge before I even got close to where I feel I naturally should be. In an ideal world, I would continue on my restricting streak until I hit maybe 153. And then I would like to maintain for a little while, to get my body acclimatised to the new set point. Then I will go for another stretch, if I deem such a thing necessary. It would certainly be nice to 'healthily diet' my way into the 140s and take my time with it. There's no rush. We don't move into the apartment until early September, and school doesn't even start until October. So I'm fine. I'll be fine.

If I get hungry tonight I'll have the rice cakes or a soup.  

I keep thinking of all the clothes I will be able to wear when I'm back in the low-140s. I have this plan, that I'll sell all of my old stuff and use the money to design a perfect capsule wardrobe from scratch. I want to get one of those clothing railings for my new room. I have never felt fashionable. Next time I am 140 pounds, I will not waste it.

Edit: Had 2 dates, and a tomato soup. 132 calories. If this makes me gain I will assess the criteria in the morning, and come up with a plan that does the job faster than this one. Ugh. Late-night hunger sucks.

Day 9

Intake:

-- 2 peaches (76)
-- 3 dates (60)
-- 1/2 tbsp peanut butter (60)
-- Energy drink (150)
-- 2 cups of orange juice (180)
-- Salad- croutons, tomatoes, lettuce (70)
-- Hoummous (150)
-- 4 rice cakes (92)

= 838 calories so far.

It's 9pm but I'll probably get hungry in a couple of hours, in which case I'll have tomato soup (75) and some cherry tomatoes (40). Part of me wants to try and stick it out on no food, for the promise of 161 tomorrow. Although I'm not banking on it, knowing how reliable my body is at losing weight even when I have a "good day".

Today's been a bit better. I felt a little more positive, even though I've been walking around with fucking neosporin on my face all day like a mental patient. It's fine. I know it will heal if I leave it alone and keep putting cream on it. I probably could go out if I was really desperate but putting makeup on is just going to irritate everything and prolong the process. I don't feel too bad about not going out tonight. I feel comfortable at home, with my laptop and movies and books and cats. My friends aren't going anywhere, I can catch up with them later in the week. Right now I just want to be cosy and have alone time, and social plans can wait. I like hibernating. I just hope I can re-emerge more of a butterfly at the end of it. A beautiful f*cking thin butterfly that is.    

Detox time

Reached the 'holy milestone' of 162.4 this morning. It wasn't as much of a relief as I thought it would be. All I could think when I stepped on the scales and saw the reading was, "why am I still here?". I guess it's going to take longer than I thought to undo the damage caused over an entire year.

I'm desperate to see lower numbers. Being back in the 150s is a nice idea, but doesn't excite me as much as it did before. That's partly because when I hit 156 during a period of illness in Easter, I didn't feel all that different.

I have no idea if the pace of my weight loss will start to slow down, or accelerate when I hit 150s and it becomes much more natural for me to drop. As it stands, I have lost 5.8 pounds in 9 days, which doesn't feel like some kind of incredible feat by any stretch of the imagination, but gives a rough indicator of my average weight loss when I am "truly" committed. Going at this rate, I could be 156 by mid-July, 147 by the beginning of August, and 132 by the 1st of September. It never works out like that, I know, but a girl can dream.

Starting a mini detox today so I can clear up my skin and state of mind over the next few days. I intend to keep it up until my period's over (it still hasn't started yet, but judging by the breakouts it's on its way). Last time I cut out dairy it really, really helped with the skin issues. Generally my skin is very clear, until that time of the month, when all hell breaks loose. I'm too lazy to adopt a vegan diet full time but ditching animal products for one week a month might not be such a bad idea.

Rules:

-- No dairy
-- No meat
-- Lots of water
-- Exercise on at least 4 weekdays.

I'd like to quit smoking but unfortunately, I don't see that happening any time soon.

Breakfast was 2 peaches, 3 dates, 1/2 tbsp peanut butter and an energy drink. 346 calories. Enough to keep me going for a while. I have those smoothies in the fridge, so I might have one of those later. Part of the appeal of going "vegan" is it gives you a great excuse to wave away cakes, chocolates, biscuits, creamy potato and pasta dishes, and other delicious snacks being offered. There is a lot of that in my family, and I usually give in. Luckily my mother fully supports me ditching dairy as she seems to believe we're all mildly lactose intolerant (I could believe that too, judging by how much better I looked when I gave it up, even at a heavier weight). So this week should be easy. I'm armed with almond milk and fruit so all will be well.

Suburgatory

On nights like these it really feels like I'm in the suburbs. I guess I am, in a way, and even though Central London is only a 20 min ride on the underground sometimes it can feel like I'm in a nowhere place on a hot suburban night. I went for a walk. In the summer here, at night, everything is dark and leafy and muggy, and the sky over the park is expansive. The streets are black except for the orange glow of the streetlamps, which suffuse a yellowish tint over the tops of cars and parts of the pavement, with these hanging black shadowy trees completely still like they're watching for you or waiting for you or something. And it's completely silent, until some biker rushes past and disappears off as quickly as he emerged, swallowed up by the gloaming.

No one's home and I feel unbearably sad. I decided, on my travels, to buy a bunch of vegan food for a detox. My skin is shit and I don't know when my period's going to start, but going vegan right before has always helped control break-outs. So I bought green apples, peaches, dates, tomatoes, smoothies, almond milk, tomato cup-a-soups, peanut butter and a butternut squash whole-grain salad pot thing that was reduced. I'm going to eat the salad now, and the tomatoes. That will bring my total up to 900 calories. Even though I said I wasn't going to eat anything else, I think the nutrients will do me good and stop me from bingeing tomorrow.

I pray to God that I haven't gained from today. I'm still fairly sure I've plateaued, but I really need to see 162 soon or I am going to lose faith.

There are fireworks going off left right and centre. I think it's for 4th of July celebrations in America. Really weird, reminds me of Venice, LA and the party I went to. Mourning for that era, everything seemed better then.

Kitchen Dance

Last night and this afternoon I have felt horrible. I've hit a plateau, of 163. When I weighed and saw 163.8 I just went downstairs and opened the fridge and cupboards like I was on autopilot. At 2pm I finally woke up (after waking up first at 5am and then 8am, wide awake both times and completely disorientated) and lay in bed in a sulk until 4. At 4, my mum called up to me and my sister to let us know that she was going out for the afternoon, and that there was a potato dauphinoise in the oven, fresh cakes that needed to be eaten in a paper box in the fridge, orange juice, lemonade, bacon and croissants from the bakery. That set off panic alarms in my head. Usually our fridge is quite empty except for basics, which is very comforting to me. What makes me panic is when there is suddenly an abundance of delicatessen goods "needing" to be eaten before they spoil. My mum left and my sister got in a shower, and I went downstairs in a trance. Before I knew it I had eaten a bite of an apple slice, half of a strawberries-and-cream tart, forkfuls of potato dauphinoise straight from the tray, the other half of that pasta salad from yesterday, and a glass of lemonade to wash it all down. 600 calories in the space of ten fucking minutes.

I can't control anything anymore.

It's only 5pm and I've fucked the day.

I just want to get out of this stupid weight range, and back into the 150s. But 4 pounds are not going to lose themselves, especially not if I do shit like this ^ the minute I wake up.

Took 30mg Ritalin because it usually cuts my appetite in that kind of dose. Hoping this food passes through me and I can lose my appetite for the rest of the goddamn day.

I binged because I'm panicking. I'm panicking about the fact that I have to get dressed up and go and see a bunch of friends tomorrow night, and I know there's going to be food and alcohol in large quantities. I'm panicking because I don't know when I'm going to start my period, and my skin is going to shit two days before a shoot. Oh, and there's the other thing. I'm panicking because I have to be on camera next week. And an actor dropped out, which is even more stressful, because everything's up in the air and I don't know when we're starting.

I hate unpredictability. It sets me off.

Shoot me now. And no, I mean with a gun.

Day 7

W: 163.2.

-- Green veg, steamed with garlic butter (150)
-- 1 egg + 1 egg white scrambled (100)
-- Diet Coke (1)
-- Bite of lemon tart (~50)
-- Starbucks soy espresso frappuccino (x)
-- Light Choices chicken salad sandwich (255)
-- 1/2 feta tomato pasta salad (180)
-- Crisps/chips, salted (250)
-- Pear cidre (x)

Total: ~986 calories

Didn't go to the gym today. Didn't do much at all actually, but I gave myself permission to have a leisure afternoon (TV, a little writing, listening to music, a walk, coffee, and a chat with L over the phone). I'll row tomorrow, or Sunday depending on how busy tomorrow is. I think I may be seeing Tina for coffee, which should be good. Always nice to have some Saturday company.

I think I need to get back into sandwiches, and also ready meals. I don't know how my weight will fare tomorrow morning. I think it's safe to say I won't get the nice surprise of 162 after the cidre and crisps, but I really hope I haven't gained. I was so lazy all of today. Ugh.

Thunder and lightning outside. Very literary. I'm back up in my room for tonight, as it's cooled down. So I get to see the whole display. It's v atmospheric. Although my cat is horribly scared, so I made her a little tent out of duvets. She's curled up under them now. Let's hope she doesn't jump up and run once the next bolt of lightning hits and lights up the whole room in electric-blue.

Should I start counting coffee/alcohol calories? Those frappuccinos are devilish. Virtually an entire meal.

God, now it's pouring down. Jesus. Being under the roof is always interesting.

Started reading a book on Victorian murder, and also the Psychopath Test. Running theme here? Sometimes I worry about myself.

I like these sorts of books, they always take my mind off something because they're thrilling. This is exactly the reason I should start watching horror films, for the sole purpose of taking my mind off food.

Desperately resisting the rest of that pasta salad. Although this way I can have it for lunch tomorrow when I wake up. I like eating savoury foods for breakfast, I don't know why. Sometimes sugary yogurt and cereal doesn't do it for me first thing.

Started writing for a potential new manuscript, although it was only ~2 pages. Still, that's the most creative writing I've done in literally half a year and it felt strangely liberating. I miss having that kind of project in my life.

Shooting next Tuesday, and fuck I'm nervous. I need to get my weight down to AT LEAST 162. Or else... I don't know what. I'll feel shit on film, that's what. And that's the worst punishment of all. Knowing you could have looked better.

Story of my life.

Gym + end of Day 6

So I finally joined that gym. The one that costs £19 per month, which is a total bargain. Did 40 mins on the bike, which burned around 200 calories. That was okay for a first session. Tomorrow I'm gonna get back into rowing, and actually buy some headphones that don't cut out half way through every song...

Final (I hope) intake for the day:

-- Diet Coke (1)
-- 1/2 bottled Starbucks (x)
-- 1 cup fat-free yogurt, frozen (80)
-- Grape nuts (50)
-- Mini plum (25)
-- 2 fried eggs (160)
-- Caesar dressing (150)
-- 1 cup orange juice (90)
-- Soy espresso frappuccino (x)
-- Salad with vinaigrette, "bacon" pieces (250)
-- Tomato philly (200)
-- 4 rice cakes (85)
-- Limoncello/orange cocktail (x)

Total: 1091 cals.

I think I'm gonna start counting alcohol and/or coffee calories starting tomorrow. Or just switch to black coffee so I don't have to bother. Either way today wasn't too bad in the end. Just fixed myself a drink, which will go down as calorie-free, even though I feel vaguely bad about that. But I shouldn't, because I did a 40 minute cycle earlier. It's midnight now anyway, so there's no need to do much else but chill out on the sofa with some Pretty Little Liars...

My guilty pleasure.

Besides alcohol.

Feel a little better. Surviving, just about.

Thursday

Intake so far:

-- Diet Coke (1)
-- 1/2 bottled Starbucks (x)
-- 1 cup fat-free yogurt, frozen (80)
-- Grape nuts (50)
-- Mini plum (25)
-- 2 fried eggs (160)
-- Caesar dressing (150)
-- 1 cup orange juice (90)

That's 556 calories. It's only 6pm.

Everything got a bit too much for me last night. I had a major breakdown, and then attempted to binge. Didn't get very far as you saw - only had the salad, and the chocolate, and a piece of fruit - before I realised it was a terrible idea. Still, it was enough to put me up to 164.4 this morning. I woke up with a new sense of purpose: to hit 1000 calories per day and start working out. At least until I'm under 160. I can't deal with the instability of extreme restriction. It makes me feel shit, and I end up freaking out and bingeing out of stress. Maybe when my weight isn't in such a precarious place I can snap back into the lower numbers. For now, it's 1000 minimum while I try to tone up and shed some of this fat in a "semi-healthy" way.

That's what I'm telling myself anyway.

Mojito nights

It's midnight, I'm on the couch. Just got very upset about my sister. She's been so horrible to everyone, and she's leaving to move to LA in August, so it's a terrible and upsetting way to end things. She has completely butchered her relationship with my mum and is now doing the same with me. Anyway, I've spent an hour crying about it but I actually had a nice evening with Caro. We got sushi, and then a mojito next door to the sushi place. It was lovely, although I was anxious about calories. I've been feeling fat all day.  

Today's death list:

-- Diet Coke (1)

-- 1/2 cantaloupe melon (90)
-- Apple juice (110)

-- Piece of homemade bread, with butter (~130)
-- Black coffee (x)

-- 2 slices pizza with mayo (~300) <-- eaten with my family, and they were quite conservative slices, but I'm pissed at myself nevertheless.

-- 1/2 bottled Starbucks iced coffee (x)

-- Sushi: Avocado maki, cucumber maki, inari nigiri (Google says 600)

-- Mojito, fresh (x)

Total: 1231. And that's not even counting the alcohol or coffee. Who thought up that stupid rule?

Fuck this shit.

I officially hate myself.

I told Caro I wanted to lose about 10 pounds (huge under-exaggeration). She said if I lost 10 pounds in a month she'd be worried. I don't want people to worry about me. Especially not her. She is so cool, collected and together and knows her shit (she studies Neuroscience - naturally she will ward me away from that path wherever possible). Now I feel fucking trapped. I didn't say anything much to her, just: I'd like to lose the weight I gained, and fit back into my old clothes. She wasn't impressed. She said I needed to stop perpetuating the cycle by actually designing a sustainable plan I could stick to. 

I wanted to say to her, no. I'm doing it my way. But she'll know if I'm restricting. All my friends will. I'll just have to pass it off as going to the gym. 

I hate that everyone knows I used to have eating issues. Now I can't do anything anymore without being watched and judged like a hawk. I know they have my best interests at heart but seriously. 

I just want to be thin. And left alone in peace to enjoy it. 

Is that too much to ask? 

EDIT: Binged. Typically. On a bar of chocolate, a salad with mayo, olives and plums. That's a binge to me now. And yes, I can feel the water weight already accumulating under the skin. 

No weighing tomorrow. Caffeine and nothing much else will be all that passes my lips. Ugh. 

Day 5

W: 163.0.

4.2 lbs in 4 days.

It's 3pm and I'm sitting on the couch with a Diet Coke - it's still an inferno here, and I slept really badly. My attic bedroom seems to collect all the heat from the entire house, plus the sun hits my side of the roof, which is why I can't seem to settle during the night. We don't have any fans in the house, so I might move to the couch tonight as it's ten times cooler down here.

Feel in a bad mood for some reason. That comment last night from my mother really got to me. It wasn't her fault, bless her, and hey it was the truth, after all. I have gained weight, in my thighs especially. It's fine. If anything it's just an excuse to lose more now.

Intake so far:

-- Diet Coke (1)
-- 1/2 cantaloupe melon (90)

The plan for today is: have a bath, shave my legs so I can wear a dress today, get dressed, get out of the house. Then it's sushi later with the girls. I'll just get something very small (cucumber maki, or something similarly low-fat) and call it a day there. Maybe I should start counting coffee calories. I don't know. I need to get myself under 160 as soon as humanly possible. Round 2 of shooting starts in 6 days. 159 by then is a perfectly reasonable goal, then I will continue to lose throughout filming.

Day 4

W: 163.8. Progress. Sort-of.

Breakfast
-- 1 fried egg with mustard (100)
-- 1 cup elderflower cordial (30)
-- Small plum (20)

Lunch
-- Diet Coke (1)
-- 2 soy espresso frappuccinos (x)
-- Bite of a pastrami sandwich (~30)

Dinner
Salad:
-- 1/2 lettuce (7)
-- "Bacon" pieces (100)
-- Caesar dressing (250)
-- Roast chicken pieces (105)

Extras
-- Gum (25)
-- 1 glass champagne (x)

Total: ~668 calories

I had an amazing day up until this evening. I'll start with the good. So it is boiling in London, as I mentioned. In a sort of I-can't-move-too-fast-or-I'll-die kinda way. I got up around 1pm again drenched in sweat. That was pleasant. Anyway, I ended up having a great afternoon. All I had was the egg with mustard and a piece of fruit until 5pm, when I decided I couldn't take the heat anymore and splurged £2.50 on a huge bucket of Diet Coke with ice from Nando's. Okay, it wasn't a bucket, but there was like 750ml of Coke in there. It was so worth it. I sucked the whole thing down and smoked a bunch of cigarettes while talking to Lina on the phone, while we both respectively sweated our asses off from our different locations. Probably for the best because sweaty isn't too hot on fatties, or so I hear.

So then after I'd peed like a racehorse I floated down to Starbucks to meet Caro and Tina. When I say floated, I mean to say I literally dream-walked in a foggy haze for about ten minutes because a) I was very hungry but ignoring it (note-to-self: don't mention The Diet to friends) and b) it was probably about thirty degrees outside. Again. Anyway, I cooled down internally after consuming the Starbucks (icy, creamy, caffeine-laden goodness - thank the Lord for not counting coffee calories because I most definitely needed those frappuccinos. Or so I'm telling myself...).

That was all great. We had a mega catch-up, a much needed conversation about how our respective lives had been going. I haven't seen Caro in six months. She looked like a goddess, as always. We went to Tesco and I escaped with buying 2 tins of low-cal soup and lettuce while C bought a big pastrami/gherkin/mustard deli sandwich. She offered me a bite and I savoured it, realising this is what the other side now tastes like - heavenly - and I'm not a part of that anymore. A 500-calorie sandwich is now over half my intake.

Everything was fine until I sat down and had dinner with my mum. I don't usually walk around the house half naked but I was in my bra and underwear all evening, simply because it was too damn hot. Then as we were sitting on the sofa with a glass of bubbly each she starts talking about the gym thing - how it'll be great for me to get fit, and get "back into shape". I paused and asked her if she thought I looked overweight. Her response? "You could lose a few pounds. Especially on your legs."

Well, if there were ever any doubt before, now I'm certainly not eating those all-butter croissants I glimpsed downstairs in the bread bin.

>.<

I'll have legs like these before you know it.

Day 3

W: 164.4. So -4 lbs in 3 days. Oh how I missed being home, and restricting...

Intake so far today:

Breakfast
-- 1/2 bowl cereal with skim milk (200)
-- Innocent orange/mango smoothie (99)

Lunch
-- 2 iced coffees from Starbucks (x)
-- Diet Coke (1)
And quite a few cigarettes whilst talking to Lina on the phone, which gave me a nice little nicotine rush.

Dinner
-- (Yet to have; am thinking a big salad with all the trimmings. Plus a bit of whatever my mum cooks. Shouldn't exceed 400 cals)

The day has gone very well. I woke up at 1pm and snoozed for a bit before I decided to get up and get going. The weather in London is glorious. Almost 30 degrees I think. Very very hot, and sunny, and clear. I was pouring with sweat on the way home from Starbucks but I felt like I was working out as I was walking, which was great. After I had my coffees I went around Tesco to do a mini shop for the next week. Got some staple items:

• A huge tub of fat-free plain yogurt (1kg and it cost me £1. It's 45 cal for 1 cup.)
• Big punnet of black plums 
• 250g tub of grated carrots
• Salad cream (20 cal per tbsp)
• Iceberg lettuce
• "Bacon" salad sprinkles 
• Mustard  
• Corn thins (like rice cakes but more buttery-tasting)
• Stevia sweetener 

For some reason, I feel like I can do this. It's 7.30pm and I've subsisted off 300 calories all day. Also, as I was walking round the supermarket, I felt a little dizzy but in a good way. It was like the hunger high kicked in. A little reminder that feeling hungry can be a good thing sometimes. I don't remember, genuinely, the last time I felt hungry. Just a sign of how I've been catering to my impulses for the last year and given little thought as to how empty/full I actually feel. 

Tentatively, the plan for tomorrow is as follows:

B: - Fat-free yogurt with Stevia, frozen (100) and 4 plums (100) 

L: - Coffee (seeing Caro and Tina for a much needed catch-up), rice cakes if I need them (100)

S: - Diet Coke, cigarettes, caffeine pills.

D: - Big salad, bit of whatever is cooked for dinner (400 max).

Will update later if I get a chance. Feeling in control and like this evening will go fine though. Also I've got to get on with joining that gym...

EDIT:

Had a big salad for dinner:

-- 1/2 iceberg lettuce (7)

-- Spiralized carrot (100)

-- "Bacon" salad sprinkles (200) <-- these are actually vegetarian

-- Grating of parmesan (50)

-- Lite salad cream (60)

(417 cal)

Which brings today's total up to 717 cal. For some reason feel like I ate a lot more than that, probably because the salad was so filling. This feels like progress.

If I eat anything else today it will be something like fruit or more lettuce with those bacon things. They are the bomb...

Day 2

Weight: 166.0

Breakfast:
-- Toast with butter (100 cals)
-- Scrambled eggs (150 cals)
-- Mustard (5 cals)

Lunch:
-- Diet coke (1 cal)
-- Activia nonfat peach yogurt (70 cals)
-- Crisps/chips (~200 cals)
-- Ham and mayo sandwich (280 cals)
-- Soy espresso frappuccino (x)

Dinner:
-- Beef stew (~300 cals)
-- Caesar salad - lettuce, tomatoes, dressing (50 cals)
-- 1/2 Kinder Bueno (122 cals)
-- 1 glass champagne (x)

Total:
-- (~1278)

I'm back at home. It feels odd but very, very comforting. Like this whole year never happened and I'm 19 again, sitting in my little loft bedroom contemplating the future. It's nice.

The perks of being home include:

1. Friends. Old friends, who I miss horribly while I'm away. Tina, Caro, Bash and others are on hand. This means a minimum of three social Starbucks a week which is, quite frankly, a god-send, considering how depressed I can get after weeks of no company;
2. Less (junk) food in the fridge/cupboard. The worst we ever have is crisps, or cereal, but that's it.
3. More structured days and therefore mealtimes: no one in my family eats their last meal much later than 8, and everyone's in bed before midnight. Even here as I write this it's 12.30 a.m. and the house is quiet (my mother has work early tomorrow morning, my sister's abroad) so I can't just sneak down for food in the middle of the night. I have to be satisfied with dinner.
4. There are several gyms down the road from me, with ridiculously cheap membership costs. One is £15 a month or something. I might not be able to afford much but I can definitely afford that, so it might not be as hard to get fit this summer as I thought. 
5. I don't have any work, which means working harder on this.

I need to get under my self-imposed limit tomorrow. It's not that freaking hard to shave 300 calories throughout the entire day. Glad I lost though. I feel like 160 is within my grasp. Clearly my metabolism's running higher than usual so I'm going to take advantage and shock my body over the next week. I hope.  

Day 1

Weighed 167.2 lbs this morning, so down a lb from yesterday. I don't know how that happened, with the late night port and roast chicken, but it did so I'm not complaining.
 
Tentatively, the plan is to go a little mad over the next three months. It's the summer holidays, which means no school, no commitments, and generally the kind of social interaction that merely involves coffee and/or vodka. So I'm taking advantage and shooting for a large amount of weight loss before October. Or, more specifically, before I turn 22 at the end of September. I don't have a "goal weight" so to speak. I guess I'm seeing, in a morbidly curious way, how far I can push it before people start to pick me up on it. It's so easy these days to say I've lost or gained weight out of stress, or eating "healthy". I don't consider 170 lbs to be healthy so that statement makes me laugh.

Intake:

-- Potato salad, leftovers (150 cals)
-- 2 pieces of toast with butter and jam (250 cals)
-- Diet coke (1 cal)
-- Espresso frappuccino, soy (x*)
-- 1/3 olive pesto panini (100 cals)
-- Roast chicken breast w/mayo (175 cals)
-- Bite of bagel w/avocado and lime (~30 cals)
-- Sushi pack, vegetarian (230 cals)
-- Sweets (90 cals)
-- Mango (30 cals)
-- Port (x)
-- 3 L water (0 cal)

-- Total (1056)

* I don't count coffee, which might sound a little counter-productive but it's generally my one treat, and the soy milk helps me get in stuff like B12 that I don't get from anywhere else. Plus, it's caffeine, which - at least in my mind - cancels some of those calories out. I also don't count alcohol, unless it's Baileys or something equally calorific. Lucky for me neither coffee nor booze have ever contributed to any weight gain I've experienced, so unless not counting them proves unhelpful in the future, for now I'll consider them "nil".

I shouldn't have had the 1/3 panini, but Lina and I went to Starbucks. I don't know why I feel this need to nibble on everything. I'd always rather have a bite of ten different things than a full meal. It does me no favours.

I'm thinking of subsisting off sushi, coffee and wine for the next three months. I definitely drink more coffee at home, which will be good in terms of curbing hunger and replacing meals. I like the idea of chain-drinking black coffee every morning for breakfast to kick my metabolism up the butt. And making fresh smoothies. I've really fallen off the fruit and veg wagon, but all that's going to change soon when I realise a mono meal of fresh fruit is almost always more satisfying and efficient than fatty carby goodness from Starbucks will ever be.

Today I really wanted to stop eating after 8 but I had that sushi. I definitely am going to stop eating after 10pm every day, as a base rule. The only things that will pass my lips after dinner will be alcohol, tea, water and diet coke. I'd like to condition myself into considering San Pellegrino and an apple "lunch". Today yes, I exceeded my limit. Only by a fraction but I'm justifying it by telling myself I'll be home in two days, where I can successfully restrict to my heart's content. I seem to buy, and eat less there naturally. Plus I can get away with eating maybe like, a salad for dinner if I want. It will be easy there. And too hot to want to overeat.

I have to pack for London. There's shit all over my room. Pill packets and empty bottles and clothes strewn everywhere. Just got some Port from the fridge and a cup of Diet Coke, and shared some of those sweets with Lina. I like that sweets are fat-free. They don't bother me as much as regular food.

Some late night thoughts

It's 3am on Saturday morning, and I'm still up at my desk drinking Port. I don't know why we even bought the Port, but I've had two glasses of it tonight and it's made me tipsy. Ridiculous. Lina didn't feel well, so she lay down on my bed and fell asleep about two minutes afterwards. That was around 1.30 and she's still asleep so I thought I'd take the opportunity to post with some thoughts. I guess what I'm realising is that ever since I stopped losing weight, or trying to lose weight I have felt like there was this huge hole in my life. For a while, and intermittently I was able to fill that hole with various creative projects, but recently I've realised I can't just be okay with merely writing a little, and surviving. It's not enough for me. I can read every book, write a novel, make a film and still that won't be enough for me because I'm not my life's work anymore. I used to dream that by the time I reached my twenties I would have made myself into some kind of work of art. I look at myself today and just think that I'm an average person. People used to look twice at me; now I sort of blend into the background. At least that's how it feels. When I think about next year, with the apartment and everything, I think of how I will fit into that aesthetic.

I have fantasies of coming back after the three month summer holiday 30 lbs lighter. In fact, 20 lbs would be fucking fantastic, but we'll see how it goes. The new plan is as follows --

-- Under 1000 calories per day
-- Tons of water and caffeine
-- Planned meals

This shit starts tomorrow. I need to get back there. I will.