Day 7

90 (Iced oat latte)

355 (2 smashed beef burgers)

90 (Bacon mayo) 

160 (Protein bar) 

Weight: 163.1

Day 6

100 (Poached egg)

120 (Smashed avo)

180 (Mayo)

175 (Iced oat latte) 

??? (Korean spicy fried chicken and kimchi, beansprouts, spinach)

??? (1 1/2 Pints of cider)

Didn't feel like I went crazy but over a thousand for sure....

Weight: 164.6

Day 5

100 (Baby carrots)

200 (Ranch and cottage cheese dip) 

90 (Oat milk latte, iced) 

1 (Coke Zero)

210 (Quorn chicken slices w/ bbq sauce and mayo)

260 (Vegan soya pieces) 861

350 (Caesar saoad) 

90 (Gin and tonic)

180 (Protein choc mousse, berries) 

110 (Starbucks) 

Total: 1491 calories

Weight: 163.8 

Day 4

100 (Baby carrots)

250 (Sour cream toasted onion dip) 

90 (Oat milk latte, iced) 

1 (Coke Zero)

210 (Quorn chicken slices w/ bbq sauce and mayo)

260 (Real chicken pieces. lol)

80 (Cherry tomatoes) 

Total: 991 calories

Weight: 164.7 

Forgot to mention I rode the tube with B the other day. I invited him to meet with me on Tuesday afternoon on my way to work at TCR and took it upon myself to deliver a half an hour speech about how much he had disappointed me on the Lizzie line. Seemed like a good opportuniy since he couldn't escape. And he cried. It was excellent. Was it a dream or real life? Who knows. Liminal spaces are good to tell someone what for - because it doesn't count. Over the past 4 years we've often met for a tube ride, setting off from various London stations, like a couple of sewer rats. It's a good way to hold an undetected meeting during a long-term extra marital affair. 

I miss M, but I do like my freedom.

Weight going down. Thank God.

Waiting on second Elvanse prescription. It should come through this weekend. I hope. I pray. That shit works wonders, especially if they are to titrate me up. 

Day 2

250 (Baby carrots)

350 (Various creamy dips) 

90 (Oat milk latte, iced) 

1 (Coke Zero)

80 (Smoked tofu)

420 (Quorn chicken pieces)

360 (2 Dark Chocolate and Peanut Butter cups)

??? (3 double vodka and tonics)

Total: 1,551 calories

Weight: 167.0 lbs 

We go again

I was heavier, much heavier, this time last year. 190 lbs plus, to be precise. It's been getting better, I've been shedding. Eating less has become easier. I fell in love. Started writing a show. Found myself again. Fixed a lot of ptoblems through diet. But still a ways to go. As of this morning, I'm 166.7 lbs, about 30 lbs down from June last year. My goal is 135-140. Not sure on the plan yet, beyond keeping things below 1000 cals/day and possibly rejoining the gym. We'll go again. 

Day 7

 Niko stayed again, with Caro still being in Chicago, and we made love all night. It was fucking amazing and I was so tired this morning but it was worth it. No idea where it will go or if it will go anywhere. But I'm placing zero expectations on this. I have no plans. No expectations. No pressure. This is the only way with him as I learnt the hard way at 25.

The veganism is still going strong. I'm feeling better after a week of amazing sleep, maintaining my weight of 87.8 give or take, not bingeing at midnight, walking at least 13,000 steps a day and not taking Amfexa. Withdrawal is levelling out. I'm now taking 2.5 mg of Lexapro every other day, which is probably going a bit too fast, but the side effects aren't as harsh when I do all the right things (take my B complex vitamin, sleep 8 hours plus, eat right, walk). I'm in such a battle over the ADD meds. When I don't have them, I crave them, I feel angry. When I get them, I can't take them responsibly, and even when I do, they like, eliminate my humour and personality - and make the physical symptoms of my chronic illness and migraine SO much worse. It's really tough. I'm still holding out to get the funds for my consult, which will run me about £250 not including meds, because he's a private psychiatrist. Plus, I need to get back to therapy, especially now I've started training myself. 

Curling up in bed with a cosy thriller on audible (I'm obsessed with Freida McFadden lately and have almost run out of books written by her to listen to). It's absolute trash, but I love it. 

Day 2

I woke up today sore and spotty but happier. I guess good sex with someone you used to love will do that to you. Maybe my body is just purging everything. 87.7 today. I didn't get out of bed til 2.30 and it was to hoover up the salt from yesterday's wine spill. Yikes.

Intake today so far:

- Dates (200)
- Nuts (180)
- 4 slices vegan cheese (360)
- Houmous and salad wrap (280) 

I'm going to go do a big food shop later for more vegan goodies. It's quite nice having Caro out of the flat for a bit. I forgot how nice it is to walk around naked without worrying, or have someone over if I want to.

Niko and I sleep together for the first time in 6 years

 We smash wine after the act, red wine at that, and it seeps over the Persian rug and the carpet. He's dashing on his way out and it's almost biblical, karmic. What did we expect? It's good, but his head is full of anxieties and worry. Will I get attached again? Will I develop expectations? My question is, will he? 

I know he will go away and worry his pretty little head about it all. But I'll have moved on. That's the truth. I am a sociopath about it all now. SSRIs and speed have screwed with my head to the extent that I literally go numb and then want my own space. It's healthy, probably. But I don't need him anymore. I don't need any boy.

I'm bleeding and it hurts, but I'm glad. I had a ten day build up to my period. I am losing weight, slowly, but the real calorie counting and dieting will start tomorrow. I ate:

-Oats with fruit and soy milk (150)
-Dates and nuts (200)
-Marinated tofu and barbecue sauce (380)
-Banana (90)
-Salt and vinegar crunchy chickpea things (180?)
-Fries with salt and ketchup (400)
-Falafel with hoummous (80)
-Red wine (???)
Total = around 1700???

And I was down to 87.9 this morning. So, something I'm doing is working. I never drink anymore, tonight was an exception. 

I quite like this vegan thing.

The neighbours complained about my footsteps overhead. I was pacing a lot last night, I can't help it. They live below an insomniac, but my room is thickly carpeted. What else can I do? I think they need to shut the hell up and get used to communal living. And living below a manic depressive artist, at that.

Withdrawal is kicking my butt. 5mg Lexapro for 3 weeks now and it's not been easy. I've run out of Amfexa, which I'm glad about. Having a week off is always good, but it's a shame it's the week where my roommate is away and so is my mum. I'd rather be on it away from them, away from everyone. 

Vegan reboot, jangled nerves

Going on another little plant-based moment. Caro hates it. She says that vegan ham is sacrilege, a shadow, which I'm inclined to agree with. Her diet largely consists of smoked meats, blue cheese, liver pate and anything with butter. To be fair, these things are delicious. But for the sake of my health, I'm going back to my vegan ways, at least for a little while. I'm excited to see if, in combination with cutting my antidepressant down, this leads to weight loss and possiblyyy hormone re-balancing. I hope to God it will. 

5mg is hard. I sort of feel like my nerves are jangled and it's difficult to tell what's what, what is coming from where, if you know what I mean. There's the migraine, then the PMS, then the withdrawal from Cipralex, then the bipolar, then the fact that it's getting colder and I'm naturally inclined to feel ill and chronic fatiguey and a bit depressed at this time of year. Then there's the fact that I am taking Amfexa sporadically and it gives me these weird fucking side effects which I don't like, but when I'm off it, I miss it horribly. I'm just waiting for that appointment where I can finally get prescribed Elvanse, which I've wanted to take for years. Taking stimulants in the manner I have been doing is problematic for me, it's always been problematic for me. At least with Amfexa I literally cannot overdose on them, unlike with Ritalin, which I used to take buckets of. The dexamfetamine pills make me feel so bloody strange in higher quantities that taking any more than 30mg in a day fucks with my head and is rendered completely undesirable as an activity. 

It's a cold and blustery day, unseasonably so. Really feels autumnal. I quite like it. Mum came round and we sat and had tea together and spoke about Christmas. I don't know where I'll be or who I'll be with, but hopefully my dad will pull through and say I can come over to the States. Or somewhere else hot. If not, I might just run away with PVC (do you like their new nickname...?). Caro and I popped with Mum into a couple of the delis down the street from the flat. I bought some Borscht and sauerkraut, then we stopped at Tesco to pick up some bananas and spinach. I think I'm going to start making green smoothies again. I need all the nutrients I can get.  

I've been so many years off calorie-counting that I need to remind myself how to do it. I was 89 kilos today, way way too heavy. I'm re-reading this blog as motivation and I can't believe I got all the way down to 135 lbs at one point. That's literally 60 lbs less than where I'm at now. 

How long would it take to lose 60 lbs? And would it even be possible?

So far today I've had gluten free oats with frozen fruit, flaxfeed, PB and vanilla oat milk. Caro and I are going to hole up in front of some telly and get cosy with a pizza. Did you know they do vegan and gluten free pizza now? Wild. Probably not the best choice, but eh. Today's my last day of being allowed to feel like crap and act like a glutton. My counselling course starts tomorrow and then new job the day after that, so it's gonna be time to pull it together. 

Omg! I'm back!

Classic midnight blogger, you know me. It's just for me these days, as I know nobody from the old times is still reading this crap-ola. You know what I learned from re-reading my old blog posts? Plant-based worked. ADHD medication worked. I complain a LOT. I have bipolar, that much is bloody clear. But most of all, I learned the importance of writing things down. Tracking everything. It really has its uses, believe me.

I was 196 lbs today (89 kilos). I've been at this high weight for a very long time, and yes, I am still trying to figure out the reasons why. But I'm still the same girl, vaping in her bed and typing into the internet at half past midnight wishing for that 30+lb weight loss and hoping, believing, that this will help. And it will. 

There are few long-term... issues, shall we say, that I've been contending with this past nine or so months. Issue one is the migraine, which happens about ten days before I'm due. My hormones are fucking with me majorly and I've been attributing a lot to this - how depressed I get, the PMDD, the migraines, the panic attacks, the aura, my acne being at the forefront. I also have these very severe mood swings, which I've always had, looking back on these blogs that much is clear - but it's part of a greater pattern, a cycle I've been battling for over ten years now. It's not clinical depression anymore (if it ever was), it's something different, something cyclothymic, possibly approaching the bipolar spectrum, if not, flat-out manic depression. I would not be surprised. But all these things seem to correlate, and now I'm staring the reality in the face. I've been trying to start the process of tapering off Lexapro again, because I've become convinced that it's doing more to hinder me than help me. Withdrawal is so fucking hard but that alone shows me what a slave I am to this drug. I've gone from 10mg down to 5mg and I'm determined that once I get off it fully, I'll start to see some of the weight melt off. It's shot my metabolism and essentially 'treats' my depression by whacking it over the head with a very blunt, if not entirely inappropriate, instrument. 

Doing a little vegan cleanse and high-dosing myself with vitamins as it's getting fucking cold in London and withdrawal + PMS feels like full on flu. Praying for my period to come and release me from this HELL! 

Miss Tuscany.

Lovely chat with A.G. earlier. He always makes me smile. We sort of love each other, but he is not a sensible choice for a mate. 

Cara leaves on the 4th for a conference in Chicago. After months of no sex, apart from that run-in I had with Bruiser and the very passionate snog I had with Niko in his car the other week, the one we won't mention or discuss, lol, I'm considering having Pretty Vegan Couple over for a few nights to keep me company. 

196 lbs. Goal is always as it was. Lose a shit ton of weight and be able to wear nice clothes again. We try, try, try again. 

Day 2

Caro came over. She's having a shit time at work and we needed to discuss practicalities (money, whether or not she's moving in, her psychopathic boss). We ate olives and crisps and drank wine and it felt good to see her again, but there's something so heavy about her these days. I guess now, I'm the stable one, and she's the one who's struggling. It's odd. How the turn tables. 

Intake: 

- Sourdough with violife & marmite (250)  
- Black coffee (1)
- Rice and homemade bean/veg/tomato chilli thing (300)
- Vegan cheese (80) 
- Green salad leaves (30)
- Hot sauce (6) 
- 2 tortillas (150)
- Chilli olives (80) 
- Crisps & houmous (200?)
- Wine (???) 

Total: 1097

No, I don't count alcohol. I probably should, but it's early days. We're only just getting back into our restriction game.

It's weird - I seem to have a compulsion to just "buy" food. Even if I come to work with plenty to eat, I *have* to buy something from the shop. It's weird. It's like I panic if I think I have nothing to snack on, then I end up accumulating stuff in my fridge and I can't possibly eat it all without gorging myself. 

I feel a little bit less bloated today. I'm not going to weigh myself until a few more weeks into this. My goal is to stick to 1500 calories or less, a deficit for my height. I have a mythology that I cannot lose weight, but I think I've been overeating without realising because I never count calories anymore. I have a feeling this will be good for me. Write everything down, stay accountable. Get back on the wagon. Shed this weight. Become my best self.

Well this is strange.

I'm back again. Time to start up the old blog/dieting wagon. It's strange, but familiar. Like home.

I had a good stab last year, but it dried up. I'm the highest I've ever been. I weighed 208 on the scales last night, and 203 this morning. Ugh. I cannot keep this up. Don't feel or look like me. And the bloating is insane. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if half of this weight gain is sheer bloat.

I've been gorging myself but my appetite is so huge, I haven't known how to reign it in. And it's been scaring me. Because I've not been accountable to anything or anyone for a long time now.

Slipped back into my old vegan ways on 1st January. Veganuary was a good excuse, that and the fact that I'm throupling with a pretty vegan couple right now. They're both so gorgeous and skinny, and I feel like I'm the wild exotic amazonian thing they happened to get dragged in with. I want to match them. 

Today's intake to start, and personal drama will invariably follow in the coming posts (you know me). 

- Baked potato with vegan cheese & plant based spread (300?)
- Piece of toast with vegan cream cheese & tomato, salt and pepper (200?)
- Fruit juice (150)
- Bite of homemade houmous (50?) 
- Homemade mushroom soup w/ croutons, crispy onions, maggi (200) 
- Dried strawberry bite thingies (40?)
- Handful of blueberries (30?) 
- Peppermint tea & black coffee (2) 
- 1 cup all-bran cereal (200?)

Total: 1172 calories 

I think I forgot how to count calories. I think I forgot they existed.

Yikes. 

Day 7 & 8

Been a bit of a rickety few days, fell off the wagon somewhat. Stupidly decided to take these fat-inhibiting pills for weight loss with... ahem... somewhat disastrous effects. Needless to say, shall not be doing that again.

Weight's back up around 198, which is incredibly frustrating. Seems like my metabolism only really responded by moving in the right direction after I shifted to <1000 calories, so that's what we shall be going with. Had Soho ramen dinner with one of my work colleagues, and it was fun but I have a pregnant looking stomach afterwards. Realise I can no longer digest such quantities of food. 

Very much considering trying ABC, but I want to do it once I've moved in to my new flat. Something mega fucking extreme to get back into the 170s, which is the short-term goal. 189 by Halloween now looking unlikely, but back on the wagon tomorrow. 700-1000 calories until I hit 190. Then 600. I can do it. I've done it before. 

Day 6

 Here's the trick: the plan continues even when we fall off the wagon. That's the only way it will ever stick; become a means of life. I know I gained from yesterday, I can feel it. That's why I'm reeling it in and carrying on today as if nothing has happened. I mustn't lose the streak. Finally, I feel like restricting below 1000 calories is possible for the first time in years - and I know it's the only way I can lose. It might be extreme as fuck, and I'm fully prepared to admit that. But in the wake of massive anxiety about holding onto my job, my friendship, my sobriety, and any semblance of a love life, I'll have my eating disorder ticking over in the background. My safety net. My secret weapon. My old faithful, reliable friend. 

Food so far today:

- Homemade parsnip, potato & leek soup (180) 
- Salted pretzels w/ mustard (125)
- Carrot sticks (80) 
- Creamy dip (200)
- Diet Coke (1) 

For supper I have the rest of the sweet & sour quorn thing I made yesterday, with cauliflower rice. It's a bit weird but I have covered it in hot sauce so it's at least vaguely filling and palletable. 

Reliably, I got a text from Bruiser informing me that his son may be coming home to his flat tonight, and therefore getting a drink is probably off. Secretly, I was hoping he would cancel, as I was planning on doing some initial packing tonight, and I also worry I'm not in a fit state to see him. I'd rather be thin and happy and not give a fuck about him when we next meet. But my outrage and sense of rejection trumped this in the moment and I felt angry and let down, again. I think I need to throw myself properly into NA. My addiction knows no bounds when it comes to him, just like with the drugs. And for that reason it's a good idea to sublimate. to throw myself wholeheartedly and headlong into restriction like the good old days. For it's all discipline this time. And I want to get addicted to that sense of absolutely making my body into the beautiful instrument I know it is, beneath all these layers of unwanted fat.

The initial goals are as follows:

- 189 by Halloween 

- 175 by Christmas  

- 160 by March 1 

- 140 by next summer 

Day 5

Weight = 192.8 lbs this morning 

Today's death list:

-- 3 x Fibre One 90 Chocolate Popcorn bars (258)
-- Caramel rice cake (51)
-- Quorn sweet & sour chicken with cauliflower rice (500)
-- Diet Coke (1)
-- Hot chocolate (39)
-- Marshmallows (30) 

...and then had somewhat of a binge this evening. Total number won't have been over 1,500, but still, not great.

May or may not be seeing the married man tomorrow night. I feel like I'm about to take on the biggest adult responsibility of my life - the ownership of a flat - and my childish side is just pulling out all the stops. Begging Cara for my drugs back after I made her promise not to give them to me. Slipping back into hysterical borderline personality mode with Bruiser over the phone last night. 

Truth be told, I can't wait to get away from Cara and her fucked up sister. It's become tense between us due to the fact that I owe her money, and she's become snippy with me. Tonight she patronised the fuck out of me and said she thought I wasn't in a great place. I put this down to jealousy. 

I need to turn my attention to the future. I need to get out of this job, figure out a plan, figure out someone nice and normal to live with and turn myself into the image of thinness, fascination and success I've always dreamt of. I don't need anyone else's negativity holding me back. I need to get my independence back.    

(PS. Re-watching Fresh Meat for nostalgia's sake. Might just get another Master's degree for fun some time, I miss the vibes of university.)

Day 4/ The new, old thing

195.8 lbs this morning.  

Intake: 

-- Chedds nibbles (55)
-- Laughing Cow cheese dip (78) 
-- Egg-fried bean sprouts and onions (250) 
-- Caramel rice cake (51) 

5.2 pounds down. It doesn't even seem to be registering to my brain that I'm restricting again. It's weird. It's been so long, but it's like this old dance my body knows incredibly well. I've just slipped slightly comfortably back into it, like an old jacket. It took a year of bingeing to wake up to the fact that this is the solution. To be a bit fucking extreme for a while because quite honestly, I left myself with no other options. I'll be honest about it. I won't become one of those toxically positive people who bullshits, who goes on about how they lost weight through 'eating right and working out'. This is fully disordered. But I know that it works. And I know if I activate this part of me, it will replace the more harmful addiction to stimulants and unsuitable men that almost ruined my life this year. It will become my new "thing". The new, old thing.

This time a year ago, I weighed 174 lbs. I was still sleeping with the married man, I was still trying to funnel the entire universe up my left nostril, I was drinking heavily, I was taking triple doses of my medication. It doesn't matter how I got there, but it wasn't sustainable. I wasn't aware that it would all fall apart again. I have to try to push harder this time. I have to let the weight go, psychologically. Because it's not just about restriction. It's about changing gears. A different mindset. Falling back in love with this body I have, this difficult body.

It's going to be slightly agonising getting out of this weight range. To be honest, yes, 5 lbs is good, but this won't register to me as something that's truly "working" until I dip below 180. And if I restrict to 1200 calories or less every day, which is the plan, I could get there by Christmas. 

I don't know what my eventual goal is. The goal in general, I suppose, is to just not be overweight anymore. That means anywhere in the 130-160 lb weight range. But we're miles away from there yet. And it's a lot of weight to lose. It will be dramatic. People will notice, and comment. But maybe that's okay. Maybe it's actually alright to be noticed. 

Day 3

-- Peperami (70) 
-- Banana (90) 
-- Cheese & ham wrap (221) 
-- PSL (120)
-- Chedds nibbles (55)
-- Weird chickpea crisp things (66)
-- Crackerbread (60)
-- Steamed broccoli (50)
-- Bolognese (200)  

Total: 932 

I drank plenty of tea and diet Coke also. 

My immune system is truly shit right now. I've had a sinus cold, I guess because of the dramatic drop in temperature. I've started taking turmeric, so hopefully that helps.

Got my period the night before last, still feeling unusually low. 196.8 lbs this morning. The scales are moving in the right direction but honestly, this isn't going to be easy. I've got a long way to go.  

The switch

I feel seasonal depression sinking in, with the darker evenings and the dramatic change in temperature, and it feels like on one hand, I've never been better equipped to handle it, and on the other, completely overwhelmed and intimidated by my usual lack of vices to cope - no more pills, no more poison, no more reckless escapades with men - and by the uncertainty ahead, even though the uncertainty is the GOOD type of uncertainty. It also feels extremely weird to be posting here. Like I've gone back in time. These moments can be big triggers for my bipolar. Friday night I shook in the rain with nervous excitement as T, the first guy I ever kissed, ever loved (as much as a thirteen-year-old really can be in love) came to meet me at a Soho pub to recount life, love, loss. I wept with euphoric joy on the way home, because it was like an old wound opened, then closed again all at once. These things, I feel them down to the ground. Down to the very bottom of my soul. Sometimes I forget I have this emotional capacity at all and it scares me, and exhilarates me, in equal measure.

In some ways, returning to the blog seems to have been getting into my substrate in a good way, as far as weight loss motivation goes. I don't know if I can really call it "good", but it is different. The shift, the internal switch, which occurs when you change gears like that. It happens on a deeply unconscious level. I don't hate myself anymore. But I'm waking up to the fact that I'm not supposed to be overweight. It's not my fault, but it's happened and I have to deal with it now in the most practical way I know how: by dramatically culling my caloric intake, moving more, and becoming hooked on the feeling of hunger. I've been bingeing and overeating at night time for years. It's a habit that can only be broken by going cold turkey and realising that I desire something else more than I desire late-night comfort. What I desire is to get my old body back. And I know it won't be like before. I know it will be different this time. I feel it.

Case in point, I stepped on the scales this morning and they read 197.8. I've lost 4 lbs in one day. This doesn't mean much, but it's a promising start. I feel like if I kept going in this manner it would be no trouble at all to hit 170s by January, which is really bizarre, because the last time I was below 180 was 2022, when I was doing a shit load of stimulants and eating keto. That wasn't sustainable. My body didn't like it. It tried to wriggle out of that mold and very quickly I returned to my higher set-point, 185-195. I've bounced around there ever since, and then I hit 200, and things really went downhill. I dissociated.

I walked for hours today on the King's Road after tutoring, got some winter sun on my face. Then I went out again for a brisk evening walk with Cara, and it was bloody freezing, but I felt good that I was hungry and burning calories. I've already gone down a belthole. I bought size 18 trousers from M&S last week, and they're already loose around my waist. It's really odd but I feel myself getting sucked back in. I like it. I like the vanishing feeling.  

I'm not meant to be overweight. I won't be overweight in a few months from now. Not ever again. There's no need. The extra layer of fat won't protect me anymore. It's done its job up to a point, but I can take it from here. 

Intake: 

-- 2 pieces of toast with butter and marmite (200)
-- Pumpkin spice latte (190) 
-- Veg stirfry w/ quorn pieces (150) 
-- Watercress and mozarella salad (140) 
-- Homemade mushroom soup, parmesan cheese (180) 
-- Bailey's (60)  

Total: 920 

I'm back, bitch

Literally could not think of a better title for this post. 

I need it. I miss it. I started this blog over a decade ago. Last time I posted was over six years ago. 

Christ. Shall we recap?

In a nutshell, since the last post, we:

- Graduated university with a very reasonable 2:1

- got over the breakup with Lina, and moved to South London with my mother - where I started bartending, writing a book about bartending, and losing a lot of weight, and eventually found A

- moved in with A, who was a complete shit, and a junkie. Turned into a junkie myself. No, I mean, really. I developed quite the serious speed problem in my twenties, which I'm still paying for. (Thanks, Dr. Dude who gave me all that Ritalin while I was at university!)

- got pregnant (not planned. Awful. Horrible. Scarring! Abortion, cheating partner, followed by a second abortion cause the first one didn't work - lost my health and became chronically ill) 

- slept with a fuck ton of men and women, most of whom were deeply terrible for me

- became a primary school teaching assistant, but speed addiction and health issues meant having to come clean to my mother and quit the job to sort myself out 

- ran away to LA to recover, met R on the precipice of the pandemic, a funny Californian hippy who I really loved, but was ultimately quite a useless bloke and then in the end a really shitty bloke. Surprised? No, me neither.

- got a masters in creative writing, graduating in one year with a first and a published book under my belt (not bad for a manic depressive drug addict!!) while also getting to know my half-sister and handling the aforementioned Californian with kid gloves over zoom

- began an affair with a married man which may or may not still be slightly going on. Moved in with Cara

- found out my mother had stage 3 lymphoma (that was a less than ideal one). R couldn’t handle it, we ended 

- suffered yet another horrible depression, quite reasonably, but have worked really hard to deal with it and am now in probably the most stable place someone like me could possibly be. I write, and I sell books for a living (shit pay but I am waiting for the big break). I have friends and prospects. I have a future. I am moving into my own flat in a matter of weeks, with my name on the lease.  

In all this time, my weight has spanned the breadth of an almost 70-lb range. I've been 140 at my lowest (whilst bartending and speeding at 25) and 210 at my highest (right before I turned thirty). 

Now I'm 201 and yes, you heard that right, I'm thirty, and we're going to be starting this all over again. Broke, overweight, life not without its stresses - but a hell of a lot happier (and smarter) than I used to be.

There was a clear set of reasons why my body gained the weight, and ultimately, I forgive those reasons. But this is about a new (old) chapter. Going back to basics. Making myself accountable again. Giving myself the body I deserve after all the shit that's happened to me. Taking care of business. Accepting what's come has come and gone, that it's in the past, that it's about moving forward now. Becoming fucking brilliant. 

-- Maple oats (180)
-- Ham and mustard sandwich (270)
-- Gummy bear (5)
-- Sausage (90)
-- Savoy cabbage, sauteed with chorizo and garlic butter (350) 

Total (895)