Watching my diet. 75.5 this morning, aiming for 74 in the next few days. Woke up at 5pm and felt terrible about it, but I compensated with delicious, vegan food. Applesauce with cinnamon and a tbsp peanut butter for breakfast; mango smoothie and soy iced coffee for "lunch" and 1/2 raw vegan pizza/1/2 raw vegan berry and banana pie for that I made for dinner with L. Ingredients for the pie crust: raw cashews, raw walnuts, maple syrup, raw dates, and vanilla extract. Pure, simple, delicious food. Good for the soul. My late-night snack whilst reading blogs and watching House: a romaine, celery and spring onion salad with dijon honey mustard dressing, and cidre with grenadine. I'm not worried about the quantities; nothing I ate was bad, besides, perhaps, the olive oil in the raw cauliflower pizza base. This is, dare I say it, progress.
I need to start gymming again. I know logically that it will speed things up, but I have such an urge to cancel my membership. I'm going to try to make myself go tomorrow either way.
I want to start taking photographs again. This time, I wish to be the muse. I want to start thinking of my body as a work of art again. My creation. Time to shed this excess baggage and live.
Sunday, 22 February 2015
Saturday, 21 February 2015
Going back to weighing in kilos. 75.6 this afternoon. 74.8 is my first goal, a tiny benchmark of success. After that, 73, and then I'm almost there.
Trying to focus on eating smaller amounts of higher quality foods will get me through this. I'm so accustomed to eating vast quantities of empty carbs with no nutritional value (pasta is one of them). I'm done with restricting, for now anyway. I just want to feel healthy, like I did before.
No burgers, no pizza, no takeout. Those are the rules. Beyond that, I'm going to try not to eat past midnight. It leads me into dangerous bingeing territory and pushes back my sleep time even further. I'm aiming to become somewhat of a health freak again. Celery with hoummous for a snack, avocado salads and soy in my coffee. I'm sick of being mediocre.
Trying to focus on eating smaller amounts of higher quality foods will get me through this. I'm so accustomed to eating vast quantities of empty carbs with no nutritional value (pasta is one of them). I'm done with restricting, for now anyway. I just want to feel healthy, like I did before.
No burgers, no pizza, no takeout. Those are the rules. Beyond that, I'm going to try not to eat past midnight. It leads me into dangerous bingeing territory and pushes back my sleep time even further. I'm aiming to become somewhat of a health freak again. Celery with hoummous for a snack, avocado salads and soy in my coffee. I'm sick of being mediocre.
Thursday, 19 February 2015
I went into hibernation mode and proposed a moratorium on restricting for a few days. My metabolism sped up and I dipped back down to a steady 165.
I've been reading about intuitive eating. It all seems... too good to be true, for want of a better phrase. I always fantasise about my future self, who eats only when she is hungry and doesn't stuff her face uncontrollably when things go to shit. And it's true that the majority of "naturally thin" people I know do eat when they're hungry and stop when they're full. But I don't know if I can do the same. I feel like my body has become way too comfortable up here. But before I hit 21 I never averaged over 148 lbs unless I was bingeing quite considerably, and so it's deeply unnatural for me to be here. At least I hope 160+ hasn't become my new adult norm. That would be depressing not to mention fucking terrifying.
My target of 150 still hasn't left my head. And Easter isn't getting any further away.
I went to the gym today for an hour, although it was an incredibly unproductive session. I did about ten minutes stretching, fifteen minutes rowing and ten minutes jumping rope and the rest was just fucking around. I absolutely hate the gym. It's full of meat heads and rugby players and people who appear to have nothing better to do than obsess over how big their biceps look. And then there are the weedy guys trying to put on some muscle, and the Japanese exchange students who just seem to delicately bounce up and down on the cross-trainers and not perspire at all. It's just depressing. I feel like I lose brain cells whenever I go there. And it feels highly voyeuristic, as gyms go. Probably because there are mirrors everywhere and it's all open. But I pay £20 a month for it, so I forced myself to go because otherwise it's just a waste of money. Ugh. I wish I could learn to love it, but I know I never will. Exercise always feels pointless, and ironically whenever it's over my endorphin count seems to massively decrease. I wish I could get addicted to it, like other people seem to. But it's an unappealing addiction compared to, say, smoking or drinking, both of which seem to chime in just a little too well with my personality.
I feel lost. Part of my head is saying, you've had your break. Now it's time to get back to it. The voice is snarling, You can't honestly be serious. That was it? Two measly weeks and you just gave up? Well yeah, I gave up, but it's because four pounds weight loss in two weeks just isn't enough to encourage me. I feel like I can lose that amount overnight with a bunch of laxatives and a two-litre bottle of Diet Coke. I'm so desperate to get past 160. It can't be that bloody hard. I was 145 until I came to university. In fact, I was 145 for round about five years. Which all leads me to believe that this horrible, six-month interlude spent in the 160s is just a blip, in the grand scheme of things, and my weight will fall back down in due course. I guess I keep confusing my body, with all of these different things. If I just stuck to "healthy eating" (whatever that means) and exercise, and not eating after dinner, it would probably all fall off.
That sounds like something my mother would say, and my mum being my mum, she's generally right.
I've been reading about intuitive eating. It all seems... too good to be true, for want of a better phrase. I always fantasise about my future self, who eats only when she is hungry and doesn't stuff her face uncontrollably when things go to shit. And it's true that the majority of "naturally thin" people I know do eat when they're hungry and stop when they're full. But I don't know if I can do the same. I feel like my body has become way too comfortable up here. But before I hit 21 I never averaged over 148 lbs unless I was bingeing quite considerably, and so it's deeply unnatural for me to be here. At least I hope 160+ hasn't become my new adult norm. That would be depressing not to mention fucking terrifying.
My target of 150 still hasn't left my head. And Easter isn't getting any further away.
I went to the gym today for an hour, although it was an incredibly unproductive session. I did about ten minutes stretching, fifteen minutes rowing and ten minutes jumping rope and the rest was just fucking around. I absolutely hate the gym. It's full of meat heads and rugby players and people who appear to have nothing better to do than obsess over how big their biceps look. And then there are the weedy guys trying to put on some muscle, and the Japanese exchange students who just seem to delicately bounce up and down on the cross-trainers and not perspire at all. It's just depressing. I feel like I lose brain cells whenever I go there. And it feels highly voyeuristic, as gyms go. Probably because there are mirrors everywhere and it's all open. But I pay £20 a month for it, so I forced myself to go because otherwise it's just a waste of money. Ugh. I wish I could learn to love it, but I know I never will. Exercise always feels pointless, and ironically whenever it's over my endorphin count seems to massively decrease. I wish I could get addicted to it, like other people seem to. But it's an unappealing addiction compared to, say, smoking or drinking, both of which seem to chime in just a little too well with my personality.
I feel lost. Part of my head is saying, you've had your break. Now it's time to get back to it. The voice is snarling, You can't honestly be serious. That was it? Two measly weeks and you just gave up? Well yeah, I gave up, but it's because four pounds weight loss in two weeks just isn't enough to encourage me. I feel like I can lose that amount overnight with a bunch of laxatives and a two-litre bottle of Diet Coke. I'm so desperate to get past 160. It can't be that bloody hard. I was 145 until I came to university. In fact, I was 145 for round about five years. Which all leads me to believe that this horrible, six-month interlude spent in the 160s is just a blip, in the grand scheme of things, and my weight will fall back down in due course. I guess I keep confusing my body, with all of these different things. If I just stuck to "healthy eating" (whatever that means) and exercise, and not eating after dinner, it would probably all fall off.
That sounds like something my mother would say, and my mum being my mum, she's generally right.
Monday, 16 February 2015
Day 13
166.0. Ugh when will this end.
My sleep got thoroughly screwed up this weekend so I'm blaming the weight gain on that. My body just seems to get extremely confused whenever I eat past midnight, so that's going to be a new rule from now on - no more eating into the early hours.
Today's intake:
-Starbucks soy vanilla spice latte (230 cal) <-- a ridiculous amount of calories for a coffee, immediately regretted it
-Caesar salad (300 cal)
-Potato salad (90 cal)
-Diet coke (1 cal)
-Binge at 11pm (somewhere in the range of 800 calories)
In general, I'm torn about my diet. Part of me wants to subsist off a shoestring-budget diet of pasta, lentils and dirt-cheap oatmeal; the other half deems that an unacceptable amount of carbs, and wants to live on fat-free coffee from Starbucks and expensive Caesar salads. Pasta and pesto was always a go-to meal, but after discovering how many calories it contained, I've always equated it with food slobbery and complacency - the kind of food you eat in your pyjamas when you've got no fresh produce and a trip to the supermarket is just too much. Pasta is a lazy meal, but it's the cheapest option by a long shot, and I can't keep spending the amount that I do without running into serious trouble.
Here is the reality: I have exactly three weeks to lose a minimum of 11 pounds. I refuse to go back home a pound over 155. It's just not an option. But my sleeping patterns and activity levels undulate so aggressively that it's seemingly impossible to stick to a schedule. The ideal, really, would be to rise at 7 every morning, and be tired enough to pass out by 10pm at night - but when has that ever been the case? In me, it's always ended in mania - hitting a point of tiredness and then pushing through until 5am the next day. Why is it that I feel more alert after twenty-four hours awake than I do upon waking up? My body, or more specifically my body clock, confuses the hell out of me.
Once I'm out of the 160s for good things should (technically) become easier for me, psychologically at the very least. If the past two weeks hadn't been such a failure of an experiment I would be adamant about returning to 600 calories tomorrow, but I feel like it's not working. Maybe my attention span is just too damn short; maybe it's making me eat erratically, some days 1000 or more, some days 400 - and, indefinitely, that can be worse than bingeing.
I fantasise about being able to eat "intuitively" - whatever that means. For me, at least, I know how to tell the difference between real hunger and psychological hunger. Perhaps waiting for the moment intense hunger strikes - pangs and all - as cue to eat seems risqué, but on some level it feels more logical than eating neurotic 100-calorie meals every three hours and never truly feeling satiated. Logic is telling me that I wouldn't overeat if I listened to my hunger cues. If I listen to emotional hunger cues, sure - but isn't it easier to resist a binge if you know (on the whole) that you're giving your body what it needs, when it actually needs it?
Maybe it's a long-shot, but I refuse to struggle through a further two weeks of restricting (and after all, that's what I've been doing - consistently eating a stupidly low amount of calories - given my height and weight - for the best part of a fortnight) only to remain an uncomfortably-chubby-but-not-quite-fat 166.
An adequately-sized bowl of oatmeal (made with water but occasionally soy milk and honey) has always kept me full way past lunch time. So I'm going back to that. And then I'm going to make a tupperware of pasta - or, alternatively, a sandwich - for when I get hungry out. Because that's when I run into trouble; getting hungry at the library, and making impulse purchases on only semi-decent baguettes and coffee from the cafe. Coffee, as a rule, will only be taken black from now on. I can't believe how many calories are in Starbucks lattes. It's kind of insane how we all wolf down these glorified milkshakes every day and wonder why we're getting cellulite.
The no-eating-past-midnight rule still sticks, by the way. The fact that I binged at midnight and not 6pm made it all ten times worse. We'll see what happens with my weight. But surely this yo-yo restricting and bingeing is what got me into this range to begin with. I think if I tell myself I'm not depriving my body of anything useful then it'll be far more inclined to agree with me and cooperate. I think, I pray, I hope.
166.0. Ugh when will this end.
My sleep got thoroughly screwed up this weekend so I'm blaming the weight gain on that. My body just seems to get extremely confused whenever I eat past midnight, so that's going to be a new rule from now on - no more eating into the early hours.
Today's intake:
-Starbucks soy vanilla spice latte (230 cal) <-- a ridiculous amount of calories for a coffee, immediately regretted it
-Caesar salad (300 cal)
-Potato salad (90 cal)
-Diet coke (1 cal)
-Binge at 11pm (somewhere in the range of 800 calories)
In general, I'm torn about my diet. Part of me wants to subsist off a shoestring-budget diet of pasta, lentils and dirt-cheap oatmeal; the other half deems that an unacceptable amount of carbs, and wants to live on fat-free coffee from Starbucks and expensive Caesar salads. Pasta and pesto was always a go-to meal, but after discovering how many calories it contained, I've always equated it with food slobbery and complacency - the kind of food you eat in your pyjamas when you've got no fresh produce and a trip to the supermarket is just too much. Pasta is a lazy meal, but it's the cheapest option by a long shot, and I can't keep spending the amount that I do without running into serious trouble.
Here is the reality: I have exactly three weeks to lose a minimum of 11 pounds. I refuse to go back home a pound over 155. It's just not an option. But my sleeping patterns and activity levels undulate so aggressively that it's seemingly impossible to stick to a schedule. The ideal, really, would be to rise at 7 every morning, and be tired enough to pass out by 10pm at night - but when has that ever been the case? In me, it's always ended in mania - hitting a point of tiredness and then pushing through until 5am the next day. Why is it that I feel more alert after twenty-four hours awake than I do upon waking up? My body, or more specifically my body clock, confuses the hell out of me.
Once I'm out of the 160s for good things should (technically) become easier for me, psychologically at the very least. If the past two weeks hadn't been such a failure of an experiment I would be adamant about returning to 600 calories tomorrow, but I feel like it's not working. Maybe my attention span is just too damn short; maybe it's making me eat erratically, some days 1000 or more, some days 400 - and, indefinitely, that can be worse than bingeing.
I fantasise about being able to eat "intuitively" - whatever that means. For me, at least, I know how to tell the difference between real hunger and psychological hunger. Perhaps waiting for the moment intense hunger strikes - pangs and all - as cue to eat seems risqué, but on some level it feels more logical than eating neurotic 100-calorie meals every three hours and never truly feeling satiated. Logic is telling me that I wouldn't overeat if I listened to my hunger cues. If I listen to emotional hunger cues, sure - but isn't it easier to resist a binge if you know (on the whole) that you're giving your body what it needs, when it actually needs it?
Maybe it's a long-shot, but I refuse to struggle through a further two weeks of restricting (and after all, that's what I've been doing - consistently eating a stupidly low amount of calories - given my height and weight - for the best part of a fortnight) only to remain an uncomfortably-chubby-but-not-quite-fat 166.
An adequately-sized bowl of oatmeal (made with water but occasionally soy milk and honey) has always kept me full way past lunch time. So I'm going back to that. And then I'm going to make a tupperware of pasta - or, alternatively, a sandwich - for when I get hungry out. Because that's when I run into trouble; getting hungry at the library, and making impulse purchases on only semi-decent baguettes and coffee from the cafe. Coffee, as a rule, will only be taken black from now on. I can't believe how many calories are in Starbucks lattes. It's kind of insane how we all wolf down these glorified milkshakes every day and wonder why we're getting cellulite.
The no-eating-past-midnight rule still sticks, by the way. The fact that I binged at midnight and not 6pm made it all ten times worse. We'll see what happens with my weight. But surely this yo-yo restricting and bingeing is what got me into this range to begin with. I think if I tell myself I'm not depriving my body of anything useful then it'll be far more inclined to agree with me and cooperate. I think, I pray, I hope.
Sunday, 15 February 2015
Saturday, 14 February 2015
Day 11
165.0, fuck my life. I need to find a way to break out of this plateau.
I've never not been able to lose weight whilst restricting. It all leads me to believe my metabolism is so slow that even a fraction over 1000 and I swing back to where I was before. It sucks so much.
Part of me just wants to go back to eating whatever.
Restricting is such a fucking drain. And what do I have to show for it - 5 measly pounds of water weight. I can't even see the difference on my body, because not one of those pounds was fat.
Feel like swallowing a bunch of laxatives or something.
L applied to the job I was going for too. The idea, then, became that we'd work together and go to our shifts together, but she got it and I didn't. I'm so annoyed. Because I didn't get it, I have to work in London in the summer holiday instead of going to LA to be with my dad. I'm so upset.
This was like my last chance to prove to my parents that I actually know the value of money. It doesn't even matter if I get another job now, they've made their minds up that I have to work when I come home.
I overslept, it's almost 4 now and I just got out of the shower. I wish I could fast today but I feel so pissed off and upset that I know I won't stick to it. Unfortunately, I feel like eating everything. Bingeing out of my mind. But then I'll be back up to 170 before I can blink, and all of this will have been for nothing.
I wish my response to unhappiness and failure was to not eat. I'd rather have an anxiety that stopped me from eating than an anxiety that made me want to eat everything in sight.
165.0, fuck my life. I need to find a way to break out of this plateau.
I've never not been able to lose weight whilst restricting. It all leads me to believe my metabolism is so slow that even a fraction over 1000 and I swing back to where I was before. It sucks so much.
Part of me just wants to go back to eating whatever.
Restricting is such a fucking drain. And what do I have to show for it - 5 measly pounds of water weight. I can't even see the difference on my body, because not one of those pounds was fat.
Feel like swallowing a bunch of laxatives or something.
L applied to the job I was going for too. The idea, then, became that we'd work together and go to our shifts together, but she got it and I didn't. I'm so annoyed. Because I didn't get it, I have to work in London in the summer holiday instead of going to LA to be with my dad. I'm so upset.
This was like my last chance to prove to my parents that I actually know the value of money. It doesn't even matter if I get another job now, they've made their minds up that I have to work when I come home.
I overslept, it's almost 4 now and I just got out of the shower. I wish I could fast today but I feel so pissed off and upset that I know I won't stick to it. Unfortunately, I feel like eating everything. Bingeing out of my mind. But then I'll be back up to 170 before I can blink, and all of this will have been for nothing.
I wish my response to unhappiness and failure was to not eat. I'd rather have an anxiety that stopped me from eating than an anxiety that made me want to eat everything in sight.
Friday, 13 February 2015
Day 10
Still stuck at 164. Seems like some kind of plateau. Ugh. So I'm officially 1/5 of the way through the resolution and I've lost 6 lbs in total. If I were to lose 6 more pounds every 10 ten days after this, I'd be 140 by the end of it, but that's wishful thinking.
-Coffee with coffee mate and Splenda (35)
-Toast with butter and jam (150)
-Soy cappuccino, extra shot (80)
-Rice cakes (100)
-Pita bread, grilled (150), tomato puree (60), mozzarella (250), basil (2), rocket (8), chorizo (80), olives (70)
-Diet coke (1)
-Refreshers (50)
Total: 1036
Fuck.
For some reason I thought it was going to be like... 600 calories. This is why I should keep tabs throughout the day. When all I eat until 11pm is a piece of toast and a coffee, I think I'm doing okay, but I always overcompensate later.
I guess the solution to this is sticking to a very small number of calories at night and having a cut off point. Actually the cut off point up until now hasn't been that bad (since I started this thing, I haven't eaten past 2am). But it needs to be more like 11pm. So that even if I go to bed at 3 or 4, I'm not eating up until that point.
Tomorrow I HAVE to keep it under 1000. 600 doesn't seem to be happening right now but it's not so hard to stick to 800. 800 calories is a lot of food to me now.
I just want to see 163, and then lower. To prove to myself that this is actually doing something, and going somewhere. Ugh.
Still stuck at 164. Seems like some kind of plateau. Ugh. So I'm officially 1/5 of the way through the resolution and I've lost 6 lbs in total. If I were to lose 6 more pounds every 10 ten days after this, I'd be 140 by the end of it, but that's wishful thinking.
-Coffee with coffee mate and Splenda (35)
-Toast with butter and jam (150)
-Soy cappuccino, extra shot (80)
-Rice cakes (100)
-Pita bread, grilled (150), tomato puree (60), mozzarella (250), basil (2), rocket (8), chorizo (80), olives (70)
-Diet coke (1)
-Refreshers (50)
Total: 1036
Fuck.
For some reason I thought it was going to be like... 600 calories. This is why I should keep tabs throughout the day. When all I eat until 11pm is a piece of toast and a coffee, I think I'm doing okay, but I always overcompensate later.
I guess the solution to this is sticking to a very small number of calories at night and having a cut off point. Actually the cut off point up until now hasn't been that bad (since I started this thing, I haven't eaten past 2am). But it needs to be more like 11pm. So that even if I go to bed at 3 or 4, I'm not eating up until that point.
Tomorrow I HAVE to keep it under 1000. 600 doesn't seem to be happening right now but it's not so hard to stick to 800. 800 calories is a lot of food to me now.
I just want to see 163, and then lower. To prove to myself that this is actually doing something, and going somewhere. Ugh.
Thursday, 12 February 2015
Day 8 & 9
164.2!!! I have no idea how that happened. But I'm not going to question it.
Day 7 finished off with two cups of coffee at a social in town, and then a sandwich thin when I got home. Yesterday I had around 1000 calories which is why I'm so surprised I dropped an extra two pounds.
Oh well, 6 lbs in 8 days is not something to complain about. I hope I can keep this up.
So far today:
-Toast with strawberry jam (120 cal)
-Soy cappuccino (80 cal)
-Deli chicken (100 cal)
-Baguette (150 cal)
-Olives (95 cal)
-Sparkling orange soda (45 cal)
590 cal already which only leaves around 100 left for dinner. The lunch was a bit of a mistake but L bought a bunch of deli stuff and I couldn't say no. I took some ritalin after eating though so hopefully I won't feel hungry until around 8 or 9 (it's 6pm now).
164.2!!! I have no idea how that happened. But I'm not going to question it.
Day 7 finished off with two cups of coffee at a social in town, and then a sandwich thin when I got home. Yesterday I had around 1000 calories which is why I'm so surprised I dropped an extra two pounds.
Oh well, 6 lbs in 8 days is not something to complain about. I hope I can keep this up.
So far today:
-Toast with strawberry jam (120 cal)
-Soy cappuccino (80 cal)
-Deli chicken (100 cal)
-Baguette (150 cal)
-Olives (95 cal)
-Sparkling orange soda (45 cal)
590 cal already which only leaves around 100 left for dinner. The lunch was a bit of a mistake but L bought a bunch of deli stuff and I couldn't say no. I took some ritalin after eating though so hopefully I won't feel hungry until around 8 or 9 (it's 6pm now).
Tuesday, 10 February 2015
Day 7
166.2 lbs, was expecting a lot worse. So far today I've had:
-1 c. black coffee with light cream and Splenda (25 cal)
-1 serving apple-cinnamon oatmeal (100 cal)
-2/3 c. cereal (90 cal)
-Smoked sausage with mustard (305 cal)
-1 c. pasta with tomato sauce (100 cal)
Plus gum, about a litre of water and 500ml Diet Coke. The sausage and pasta was completely unplanned and brought the total up to 620.
I'm not going to beat myself up about it. As long as I don't go over 800 today it should be fine. I'm planning on 100 cal worth of fat-free cottage cheese and more coffee if I must eat. Although I feel bad about the distinct lack of fruit and vegetables in my diet today. I may have some cucumber sticks with mustard also.
Trying to plough through reading for tomorrow's seminar. I hate seminars so much, and this one's a double-class running from 11-1. Ugh.
It's about 9pm now. The aim is to study another half an hour, then go grab a cup of coffee with L. back home by 10, then get into bed by 11 at the absolute latest.
Tomorrow will be better.
166.2 lbs, was expecting a lot worse. So far today I've had:
-1 c. black coffee with light cream and Splenda (25 cal)
-1 serving apple-cinnamon oatmeal (100 cal)
-2/3 c. cereal (90 cal)
-Smoked sausage with mustard (305 cal)
-1 c. pasta with tomato sauce (100 cal)
Plus gum, about a litre of water and 500ml Diet Coke. The sausage and pasta was completely unplanned and brought the total up to 620.
I'm not going to beat myself up about it. As long as I don't go over 800 today it should be fine. I'm planning on 100 cal worth of fat-free cottage cheese and more coffee if I must eat. Although I feel bad about the distinct lack of fruit and vegetables in my diet today. I may have some cucumber sticks with mustard also.
Trying to plough through reading for tomorrow's seminar. I hate seminars so much, and this one's a double-class running from 11-1. Ugh.
It's about 9pm now. The aim is to study another half an hour, then go grab a cup of coffee with L. back home by 10, then get into bed by 11 at the absolute latest.
Tomorrow will be better.
Monday, 9 February 2015
Day 6
166.0 lbs this morning, so I gained. Ugh.
Also, I just found out that those garlic sausages I am now addicted to have 200 calories in each one. And I ate 2 of them with mustard for breakfast, washed down with 2 cups of coffee. Although it's 14.30 now so I guess they could count as breakfast and lunch.
Well that was a disaster.
The plan for the rest of the day is:
-Smoothie with frozen raspberries and coconut water (90 cal)
-Black coffee with fat free milk and splenda (25 cal)
-Green beans (60 cal)
-Diet coke (0 cal)
Since I had the garlic sausage already, and it had 2x the amount of calories I had planned (and I ate 2 sausages instead of just the one) the whole thing comes to 625. If I get hungry - diet coke or black coffee, and, naturally, cigarettes.
I hate having to starve myself out of the 160s. The last two days haven't exactly been starving, but in general it's odd for me to gain weight on <1200 cals. I guess my metabolism is just really slow, or it's stubbornly holding onto this weight because it's become too comfortable here. Once I get back to 150s I'll probably become less strict. It may seem like I'm being too hard on myself - but I'm essentially trying to shake off 10 lbs that have refused to budge in six months. I wish there was another way, but no other method works on me. I've tried healthy eating, cutting out animal products, exercise and nothing does the job like restriction does. I guess I'm just too damn impatient.
[An updated plan will emerge later. A plan designed to get me under 160 as quickly as possible. It will probably involve 3 sets of 200-calorie meals (and by 200, I mean no more than 150), copious amounts of black coffee, and ritalin taken at the recommended dosage after every meal.]
*edit:
I did NOT stick to the plan but instead ended up consuming:
-1 p. pear cider (180 cal)
-"Beef" burger (95 cal)
-Mayonnaise (40 cal)
-Kinder bueno (75 cal)
-2 mini frozen cheesecakes (160 cal)
-Sandwich thin (100 cal)
-Fat-free cottage cheese (100 cal)
-More garlic sausage with mustard (200 cal)
...And then proceeded to swallow two laxatives washed down with half a liter of Diet Coke in attempt to pretend it didn't happen.
The damage: 1347 calories
F M L
I'm so pissed at myself. The stupid thing is that two months ago this amount would have made me lose. But because I've been "restricting", suddenly this amount is enough to balloon me by a kilogram on the scale.
I said I'd draw up a new plan, and there's never been a better time to do it:
Breakfast (125 cal):
-1 serving apple-cinnamon oatmeal with Splenda (100 cal)
-1 c. black coffee with fat-free milk and Splenda (25 cal)
Lunch (175 cal):
-1 c. cereal (110 cal)
-1 serving frozen fruit [either raspberries or blackberries] (65 cal)
Dinner (99-160 cal):
either--
-1 "beef" burger (95 cal)
-Mustard (5 cal)
-Green beans (60 cal)
or--
-Frozen yogurt (99-150 cal)
or--
-1 sandwich thin with fat-free cottage cheese or an egg (150 cal)
Total: 399-460 cals
Rules:
• I will stick the plan.
• There will be no deviation from the plan, unless it's a situation I really cannot get out of, or there's a healthier/lower-calorie substitute.
• I will see the plan through until I hit 160. No exceptions.
166.0 lbs this morning, so I gained. Ugh.
Also, I just found out that those garlic sausages I am now addicted to have 200 calories in each one. And I ate 2 of them with mustard for breakfast, washed down with 2 cups of coffee. Although it's 14.30 now so I guess they could count as breakfast and lunch.
Well that was a disaster.
The plan for the rest of the day is:
-Smoothie with frozen raspberries and coconut water (90 cal)
-Black coffee with fat free milk and splenda (25 cal)
-Green beans (60 cal)
-Diet coke (0 cal)
Since I had the garlic sausage already, and it had 2x the amount of calories I had planned (and I ate 2 sausages instead of just the one) the whole thing comes to 625. If I get hungry - diet coke or black coffee, and, naturally, cigarettes.
I hate having to starve myself out of the 160s. The last two days haven't exactly been starving, but in general it's odd for me to gain weight on <1200 cals. I guess my metabolism is just really slow, or it's stubbornly holding onto this weight because it's become too comfortable here. Once I get back to 150s I'll probably become less strict. It may seem like I'm being too hard on myself - but I'm essentially trying to shake off 10 lbs that have refused to budge in six months. I wish there was another way, but no other method works on me. I've tried healthy eating, cutting out animal products, exercise and nothing does the job like restriction does. I guess I'm just too damn impatient.
[An updated plan will emerge later. A plan designed to get me under 160 as quickly as possible. It will probably involve 3 sets of 200-calorie meals (and by 200, I mean no more than 150), copious amounts of black coffee, and ritalin taken at the recommended dosage after every meal.]
*edit:
I did NOT stick to the plan but instead ended up consuming:
-1 p. pear cider (180 cal)
-"Beef" burger (95 cal)
-Mayonnaise (40 cal)
-Kinder bueno (75 cal)
-2 mini frozen cheesecakes (160 cal)
-Sandwich thin (100 cal)
-Fat-free cottage cheese (100 cal)
-More garlic sausage with mustard (200 cal)
...And then proceeded to swallow two laxatives washed down with half a liter of Diet Coke in attempt to pretend it didn't happen.
The damage: 1347 calories
F M L
I'm so pissed at myself. The stupid thing is that two months ago this amount would have made me lose. But because I've been "restricting", suddenly this amount is enough to balloon me by a kilogram on the scale.
I said I'd draw up a new plan, and there's never been a better time to do it:
Breakfast (125 cal):
-1 serving apple-cinnamon oatmeal with Splenda (100 cal)
-1 c. black coffee with fat-free milk and Splenda (25 cal)
Lunch (175 cal):
-1 c. cereal (110 cal)
-1 serving frozen fruit [either raspberries or blackberries] (65 cal)
Dinner (99-160 cal):
either--
-1 "beef" burger (95 cal)
-Mustard (5 cal)
-Green beans (60 cal)
or--
-Frozen yogurt (99-150 cal)
or--
-1 sandwich thin with fat-free cottage cheese or an egg (150 cal)
Total: 399-460 cals
Rules:
• I will stick the plan.
• There will be no deviation from the plan, unless it's a situation I really cannot get out of, or there's a healthier/lower-calorie substitute.
• I will see the plan through until I hit 160. No exceptions.
Sunday, 8 February 2015
Day 5
165.4 this afternoon. Luckily I didn't gain from yesterday. Although in defence alcohol usually dehydrates me, even in small amounts.
5 pounds gone in 5 days.
It's time to do some planning.
Shooting is going to take place roughly 5 weeks from now, so I have to get on it. That means 35 days to get down to at least 153 (the weight I was this time last year) - so 13 lbs. That works out to approximately 0.3 lbs each day, or a little under 3 lbs each week. 2.6 lbs each week to be precise.
I haven't done this in a while, but I haven't forgotten how it works. Plateauing cannot be something I let hinder me. If I must, I'll give my scales to L so I can't get upset over the numbers. Right now I'm only weighing once a day, first thing before I've eaten anything. But in the past I have weighed up to ten times a day while restricting, and I can't get back into that obsessive, derailing kind of number-phobia I've spent the last three years trying to recover from. That means no weighing at night (a huge binge trigger for me) and especially no weighing after a binge. If a binge even happens (I'm not planning on it; and ironically, despite the weight gain, my binges now are much more controlled than they were before).
So without further ado the plan will be as follows: 600 calories a day, and lots and lots of water, until the weight comes off.
*edit*
-3 garlic sausages (330 cal)
-Mustard (5 cal)
-1 egg w/ parsley (80 cal)
-Black coffee w/milk and splenda (15 cal)
-Shirataki noodles (8 cal)
-Tomato and red wine sauce (75 cal)
-Lettuce (10 cal)
-Grated carrots (45 cal)
-Vinaigrette (30 cal)
-Diet coke (1 cal)
-Coffee (25 cal)
-Snickers bar (regrettably - 250 cal)
Total: 875 cal
Without the chocolate bar it would have been 624. F M L. It wasn't even mine, it was L's (I think).
But it was there in the freezer. And I forgot I'd put it in there. It was a nice surprise to see a Snickers amongst the bags and bags of green vegetables.
I seriously have an impulse problem.
Okay so tomorrow the plan is actually to stick to the plan. No deviations:
Breakfast (200 cal):
-Garlic sausage with mustard (110 cal)
-Smoothie with frozen raspberries and coconut water (90 cal)
Lunch (140 cal):
-Black coffee with milk (25 cal)
-1 c. cereal, in a tupperware (115 cal)
Dinner (170 cal):
-1 "beef" burger patty (95 cal)
-Ketchup (15 cal)
-Steamed green beans (60 cal)
...and a fuck ton of water because I'm seriously not drinking enough.
That's the plan. Total: 510 cal, No exceptions. No alcohol. No impulse chocolate bars.
Also, I won't weigh until Tuesday, if I can help it. I don't want anything to throw me off track at this point, when I'm just getting into the thick of it.
Only 6 lbs until 159...
[In other news, I think I'm finally getting used to the feeling of hunger. Or rather, the hunger I was experiencing on Days 1 & 2 has significantly diminished. And my skin has cleared up completely. Coincidence? I think not.]
165.4 this afternoon. Luckily I didn't gain from yesterday. Although in defence alcohol usually dehydrates me, even in small amounts.
5 pounds gone in 5 days.
It's time to do some planning.
Shooting is going to take place roughly 5 weeks from now, so I have to get on it. That means 35 days to get down to at least 153 (the weight I was this time last year) - so 13 lbs. That works out to approximately 0.3 lbs each day, or a little under 3 lbs each week. 2.6 lbs each week to be precise.
I haven't done this in a while, but I haven't forgotten how it works. Plateauing cannot be something I let hinder me. If I must, I'll give my scales to L so I can't get upset over the numbers. Right now I'm only weighing once a day, first thing before I've eaten anything. But in the past I have weighed up to ten times a day while restricting, and I can't get back into that obsessive, derailing kind of number-phobia I've spent the last three years trying to recover from. That means no weighing at night (a huge binge trigger for me) and especially no weighing after a binge. If a binge even happens (I'm not planning on it; and ironically, despite the weight gain, my binges now are much more controlled than they were before).
So without further ado the plan will be as follows: 600 calories a day, and lots and lots of water, until the weight comes off.
*edit*
-3 garlic sausages (330 cal)
-Mustard (5 cal)
-1 egg w/ parsley (80 cal)
-Black coffee w/milk and splenda (15 cal)
-Shirataki noodles (8 cal)
-Tomato and red wine sauce (75 cal)
-Lettuce (10 cal)
-Grated carrots (45 cal)
-Vinaigrette (30 cal)
-Diet coke (1 cal)
-Coffee (25 cal)
-Snickers bar (regrettably - 250 cal)
Total: 875 cal
Without the chocolate bar it would have been 624. F M L. It wasn't even mine, it was L's (I think).
But it was there in the freezer. And I forgot I'd put it in there. It was a nice surprise to see a Snickers amongst the bags and bags of green vegetables.
I seriously have an impulse problem.
Okay so tomorrow the plan is actually to stick to the plan. No deviations:
Breakfast (200 cal):
-Garlic sausage with mustard (110 cal)
-Smoothie with frozen raspberries and coconut water (90 cal)
Lunch (140 cal):
-Black coffee with milk (25 cal)
-1 c. cereal, in a tupperware (115 cal)
Dinner (170 cal):
-1 "beef" burger patty (95 cal)
-Ketchup (15 cal)
-Steamed green beans (60 cal)
...and a fuck ton of water because I'm seriously not drinking enough.
That's the plan. Total: 510 cal, No exceptions. No alcohol. No impulse chocolate bars.
Also, I won't weigh until Tuesday, if I can help it. I don't want anything to throw me off track at this point, when I'm just getting into the thick of it.
Only 6 lbs until 159...
[In other news, I think I'm finally getting used to the feeling of hunger. Or rather, the hunger I was experiencing on Days 1 & 2 has significantly diminished. And my skin has cleared up completely. Coincidence? I think not.]
Saturday, 7 February 2015
Day 4
165.8 - thank God, a number under 166.
Have spent the afternoon being incredibly lazy thus far and rolling around in a t-shirt and underwear. I need to get my ass in gear though because we're leaving in 45 minutes to hold auditions on campus.
15.58: First meal of the day, 1/2 cup cereal with 1/2 cup skim milk. 200 cal max. Will make some black coffee in a bit.
*edit*
-1/2 c. Cereal with skim milk (200 cal)
-Black coffee (2 cal)
-Haribo (100 cal)
-Pear cider (218 cal)
-Fries w/ barbecue sauce (250 cal)
-Diet coke (1 cal)
-Cucumber "tagliatelle" (13 cal)
-Raw curry sauce-orange, mango, avocado, coriander (115 cal)
-Fat free chocolate mousse (123 cal)
Total: 1024 cal
Shit. I really fucked up. Didn't realise how much the "snack" of chips and alcohol had earlier on this evening.
I feel so incredibly sure this could work (the restricting). I feel like I've "latched on". I'm always so hesitant to make any definitive proclamations this early on, but I've lost 4 lbs in 4 days. Sure, they were 4 pounds of water weight. But I'm already feeling better.
I can't have days like this messing it up for me. Really hope I don't gain from this.
Tomorrow: 600 cals max. Don't fuck this up.
165.8 - thank God, a number under 166.
Have spent the afternoon being incredibly lazy thus far and rolling around in a t-shirt and underwear. I need to get my ass in gear though because we're leaving in 45 minutes to hold auditions on campus.
15.58: First meal of the day, 1/2 cup cereal with 1/2 cup skim milk. 200 cal max. Will make some black coffee in a bit.
*edit*
-1/2 c. Cereal with skim milk (200 cal)
-Black coffee (2 cal)
-Haribo (100 cal)
-Pear cider (218 cal)
-Fries w/ barbecue sauce (250 cal)
-Diet coke (1 cal)
-Cucumber "tagliatelle" (13 cal)
-Raw curry sauce-orange, mango, avocado, coriander (115 cal)
-Fat free chocolate mousse (123 cal)
Total: 1024 cal
Shit. I really fucked up. Didn't realise how much the "snack" of chips and alcohol had earlier on this evening.
I feel so incredibly sure this could work (the restricting). I feel like I've "latched on". I'm always so hesitant to make any definitive proclamations this early on, but I've lost 4 lbs in 4 days. Sure, they were 4 pounds of water weight. But I'm already feeling better.
I can't have days like this messing it up for me. Really hope I don't gain from this.
Tomorrow: 600 cals max. Don't fuck this up.
Friday, 6 February 2015
Day 3
-Ryvita (35 cal)
-Ham and tomato sandwich (275 cal)
-2 black coffees (5 cal)
-Soy cappuccino (80 cal)
-Haribo (150 cal -- feel bad about this)
-Diet coke (1 cal)
-Cucumber "tagliatelle" (10 cal)
-Philadelphia cheese light (65 cal)
-Tabasco (0 cal)
-Frozen grapes (20 cal)
-Frozen grapes (20 cal)
Total: 641 cal
I weigh 166, so I've lost 4 lbs in 3 days. 166 is progress from 170 - but I need 160, 158, 156. Then and only then will I start to feel like this is going somewhere.
Plan tomorrow is to survive off as much coffee as I can until I enter pass-out mode, then I will eat. I'm getting used to the feeling of hunger. I don't think it scares me as much as it used to.
Also the cucumber tagliatelle was such a wave of genius. I just took a vegetable peeler to a cucumber and then added some philly cheese and hot sauce and swirled it around my fork as if it were pasta. Tomorrow if I can get the ingredients I'm going to attempt to make a raw vegan curry sauce (out of orange, mango and avocado) to go with the cucumber noodles. Last time I made it it was the best thing ever and L loved it too. There's something great about making something entirely from scratch with fresh ingredients that don't taste chemically tampered with. Although I ate Haribo, the devil's food today so I can't really complain about chemicals at this point.
Okay, going to attempt to sleep and wake up before lunch as we are auditioning for our film tomorrow...
Thursday, 5 February 2015
Day 2
Missed my morning seminar, slept until 12 then had to manically scramble to get to this dumb study abroad meeting that actually turned out to be fine. But then I got a threatening email about attendance and my anxiety hit breaking point. Weirdly, this seemed to eradicate my appetite entirely.
There's such a strong correlation between anxiety and eating - for me at least. It seems that when I feel guilty, or like I've done something wrong, I either binge or stop wanting to eat entirely.
So until about 15.30 I hadn't eaten anything, no breakfast, nothing. I suppose this all had something to do with feeling like I'm in a perpetual state of intense stress and worry these days. It's like I'm constantly trying to make sure something doesn't go wrong, and when it does, I feel like I can't cope. So having this one area of my life under control (my eating) reduces my stress significantly. If I'm not eating, that's one less thing to worry about. There's nothing worse than life stress and binge eating combined.
At least, that's something I tell myself logically.
It's now 17.22. About half an hour ago I took some ritalin, 20mg worth. Plus vitamin D. I hope that will stave off my hunger and allow me to get engaged in something productive, some reading maybe.
After my meeting with the study abroad woman I went to meet L at the library. I love L. Even though I am not very good at being pleasant company when I feel this way, or even a particularly nice person.
Currently she is in the mode of trying to save money like me, and attempting to live off a shoestring budget. Both of us struggle with indulging in luxuries not fit for students, such as impulse purchases, taxis to and from campus, dinners out in town and expensive cigarettes.
For example, at the library after meeting L, I bought a ham and tomato sandwich even though I wasn't hungry. They're always so expensive. The only reason I ate this sandwich was that it was only something like 275 calories for the whole pack. Also, I had a moment of clarity, which was that I might feel extremely ill later if all I ingested throughout the day was coffee, diet coke and pills. The sandwich was, at the time, an example of me trying to be 'sensible', although I regret the fact that I ate it despite my bizarre lack of hunger.
The total of the sandwich, and the two coffees I bought on campus comes to 375. I don't think that's such a scary number, but I'll have to find something low-calorie for dinner.
Ultimately, I want to be someone who doesn't have to worry about any of this stuff anymore. There's a magic in the maths of the whole thing, but maths doesn't interest me as much as art does. I often wish that I didn't have to consider my body and all its functions at all - thinking about my body makes me grimace. But I know that if I lock into the maths now, and commit to it fully, it might not have to matter ever again. Then I get to experience everything wonderful that happens after the hard graft is up - art, beauty, calm, peace, wisdom, control.
--UPDATE
20.24 - The ritalin wore off and I got hungry, so made pea soup for dinner (frozen peas; chicken stock; water; creme fraiche; pepper) and it tastes divine. 120 cals for the whole lot. There's something heavenly about making a low cal dinner from scratch with ingredients from the kitchen. Store bought soups are convenient but always seem to have such a high sodium content.
The fear is always that once you open the gate to eating, you won't stop.
Going to crawl into bed and read for an hour...
--UPDATE
22.19 and I'm done for the day. Made a fruit sorbet out of frozen berries, which came to 60 cals, then ate a salad with a tbsp philadelphia and balsamic vinegar. It's become customary to pour hot sauce over every salad I make, because it has 0 calories and makes everything taste explosive.
Then ate half a wrap with cream cheese, because for some reason after all that food, I actually felt properly hungry for the first time all day. So today's total came to 695. That's not very much, compared to what I was eating before, but it's not as good as it could have been. Tomorrow my limit will be 600 max.
Missed my morning seminar, slept until 12 then had to manically scramble to get to this dumb study abroad meeting that actually turned out to be fine. But then I got a threatening email about attendance and my anxiety hit breaking point. Weirdly, this seemed to eradicate my appetite entirely.
There's such a strong correlation between anxiety and eating - for me at least. It seems that when I feel guilty, or like I've done something wrong, I either binge or stop wanting to eat entirely.
So until about 15.30 I hadn't eaten anything, no breakfast, nothing. I suppose this all had something to do with feeling like I'm in a perpetual state of intense stress and worry these days. It's like I'm constantly trying to make sure something doesn't go wrong, and when it does, I feel like I can't cope. So having this one area of my life under control (my eating) reduces my stress significantly. If I'm not eating, that's one less thing to worry about. There's nothing worse than life stress and binge eating combined.
At least, that's something I tell myself logically.
It's now 17.22. About half an hour ago I took some ritalin, 20mg worth. Plus vitamin D. I hope that will stave off my hunger and allow me to get engaged in something productive, some reading maybe.
After my meeting with the study abroad woman I went to meet L at the library. I love L. Even though I am not very good at being pleasant company when I feel this way, or even a particularly nice person.
Currently she is in the mode of trying to save money like me, and attempting to live off a shoestring budget. Both of us struggle with indulging in luxuries not fit for students, such as impulse purchases, taxis to and from campus, dinners out in town and expensive cigarettes.
For example, at the library after meeting L, I bought a ham and tomato sandwich even though I wasn't hungry. They're always so expensive. The only reason I ate this sandwich was that it was only something like 275 calories for the whole pack. Also, I had a moment of clarity, which was that I might feel extremely ill later if all I ingested throughout the day was coffee, diet coke and pills. The sandwich was, at the time, an example of me trying to be 'sensible', although I regret the fact that I ate it despite my bizarre lack of hunger.
The total of the sandwich, and the two coffees I bought on campus comes to 375. I don't think that's such a scary number, but I'll have to find something low-calorie for dinner.
Ultimately, I want to be someone who doesn't have to worry about any of this stuff anymore. There's a magic in the maths of the whole thing, but maths doesn't interest me as much as art does. I often wish that I didn't have to consider my body and all its functions at all - thinking about my body makes me grimace. But I know that if I lock into the maths now, and commit to it fully, it might not have to matter ever again. Then I get to experience everything wonderful that happens after the hard graft is up - art, beauty, calm, peace, wisdom, control.
--UPDATE
20.24 - The ritalin wore off and I got hungry, so made pea soup for dinner (frozen peas; chicken stock; water; creme fraiche; pepper) and it tastes divine. 120 cals for the whole lot. There's something heavenly about making a low cal dinner from scratch with ingredients from the kitchen. Store bought soups are convenient but always seem to have such a high sodium content.
The fear is always that once you open the gate to eating, you won't stop.
Going to crawl into bed and read for an hour...
--UPDATE
22.19 and I'm done for the day. Made a fruit sorbet out of frozen berries, which came to 60 cals, then ate a salad with a tbsp philadelphia and balsamic vinegar. It's become customary to pour hot sauce over every salad I make, because it has 0 calories and makes everything taste explosive.
Then ate half a wrap with cream cheese, because for some reason after all that food, I actually felt properly hungry for the first time all day. So today's total came to 695. That's not very much, compared to what I was eating before, but it's not as good as it could have been. Tomorrow my limit will be 600 max.
Wednesday, 4 February 2015
Day 1
The day started off horribly. Was late for an important study abroad meeting and the woman said that if I didn't get it together she'd give the place to someone else. So I left the office and cried on a bench outside for about ten minutes.
I wish I wasn't so pathetic when it came to this sort of stuff. I feel like other people are tougher than this, but I'm always so sensitive. I let everything get to me, and weigh me down.
I'm so scared of self-sabotaging the place. Half of my head is telling me to fight for it (whatever that means - showing them I'm better than their image of me, I guess) but the other half is saying, in a sing-song voice, 'Told you so'.
On top of that I got my period which made everything ten times worse. In twenty minutes I have to head to another meeting, about my attendance, which I am dreading. I missed every seminar this term so far, excluding yesterday. I just hope I can pull it together before it's too late.
Officially counting 00.00 as the first hour of Day 1. So, 10 hours into day 1 I ate 2 green apples with natural crunchy peanut butter.
It's now 14.05. About half an hour ago I swallowed a bunch of vitamin D tablets and 10mg ritalin with a coffee (with cream - ~20 cal) and then made a small portion of chicken, which I only ate half of (~60 cal). So far we're looking at ~280 cal for the whole day.
--UPDATE
16.00 - black coffee with milk and splenda (15 cal)
18.00 - another green apple with philadelphia + a diet coke (97 cal) and another 10mg ritalin.
I did something weird. I attempted to bake a chocolate cake without a recipe. I'm worried about it. Not because of the calories (I used splenda to substitute sugar and a banana to substitute oil) - but mostly because it seemed like a weird, random and kind of manic thing to do. Also I'm pretty sure it's going to be horrible.
I suppose the trick with this whole thing will be getting back into thinking about restricting as something plausible I could do, successfully. I've lost faith in my ability to not eat. Back in school it used to be a breeze, but now with no schedule enforced upon me, sticking to basic things like mealtimes becomes unrealistic, unless of course I learn how to enforce that discipline myself.
The 'experimental' chocolate cake batter contained 1/2 a cup of flour, 2 tbsp butter, splenda, a banana, chocolate syrup, 2 egg whites and 1/2 cup skim milk. In total, the tray shouldn't come to more than 500 calories, but I'm really dubious. I worry that I've created some poisonous concoction that is going to make me extremely ill.
Part of me doesn't really care.
Why must sticking to things (casual dieting; my schedule; a life plan) be so difficult? Surely it's not that hard, if other people with just as many problems can do it so successfully.
150, of course, is not the end goal. Once upon a time 150 was a start weight - a number that repulsed me. Now it's a number I would be satisfied to see on a scale. Not happy, or proud, but satisfied.
At 150 I start to resemble myself more. At 140 I look "healthy"; at 130 I am officially, finally classed as "thin" - that word we all covet so much. Strangely, 130 is almost low enough for me to be considered underweight. Even stranger is that the idea of being underweight doesn't hold me in the same thrall as it used to. I don't want to be a stick, I want to be powerful. I don't want someone to see me and think I'll break in half, or that I look delicate.
~392 calories so far. It doesn't sound like very much, but I won't have something to be proud of until I get through the evening without bingeing.
--UPDATE
19.00 hrs.
I haven't felt hunger like this in months. This is what half a year of eating your pain does to you. You lose sense of what it feels like to not eat. I feel like the apple made me hungrier. Now I'm pissed at myself for having it but honestly, there was no appealing alternative when I opened the fridge. I seem to be down to just: yogurt, salsa, cucumber, eggs and milk. And some toast.
I'm trying to tell myself to get over it. Get used to this feeling. Unfortunately no amount of cigarettes, coffee or diet coke will make this go away.
The cake came out of the oven. It smells heavenly but I have no idea how it tastes. Maybe later I'll have some.
Part of me wants to push through the hunger into something better. A hunger high, maybe. I forget how this works.
--UPDATE
The cake was... weird. It kind of tasted like bread and butter pudding. Which ordinarily would be gross but I guess when you're starving, you'll eat anything. Anything that contains less than 50 calories, that is.
I'm aware that this post is inordinately long. But weirdly, rambling about food makes me far more likely to turn it down when sticking to the plan is constantly on my mind. It may be to do with the ritalin, which makes me obsess over things more.
The hunger subsided a little after I had the cake, but not much. I'm going out for another cigarette in the hope that it'll curb my appetite somehow, but equally I'm aware that expecting to feel full on 442 calories over the course of a twenty-four day is unreasonable.
--UPDATE
Hit rock bottom at 9 and cried for about two hours to L. Gulped more coffee, and ended up eating 1 small tortilla wrap with guacamole because my stomach hurt (it still does). So total calories for Day 1 = 630.
The day started off horribly. Was late for an important study abroad meeting and the woman said that if I didn't get it together she'd give the place to someone else. So I left the office and cried on a bench outside for about ten minutes.
I wish I wasn't so pathetic when it came to this sort of stuff. I feel like other people are tougher than this, but I'm always so sensitive. I let everything get to me, and weigh me down.
I'm so scared of self-sabotaging the place. Half of my head is telling me to fight for it (whatever that means - showing them I'm better than their image of me, I guess) but the other half is saying, in a sing-song voice, 'Told you so'.
On top of that I got my period which made everything ten times worse. In twenty minutes I have to head to another meeting, about my attendance, which I am dreading. I missed every seminar this term so far, excluding yesterday. I just hope I can pull it together before it's too late.
Officially counting 00.00 as the first hour of Day 1. So, 10 hours into day 1 I ate 2 green apples with natural crunchy peanut butter.
It's now 14.05. About half an hour ago I swallowed a bunch of vitamin D tablets and 10mg ritalin with a coffee (with cream - ~20 cal) and then made a small portion of chicken, which I only ate half of (~60 cal). So far we're looking at ~280 cal for the whole day.
--UPDATE
16.00 - black coffee with milk and splenda (15 cal)
18.00 - another green apple with philadelphia + a diet coke (97 cal) and another 10mg ritalin.
I did something weird. I attempted to bake a chocolate cake without a recipe. I'm worried about it. Not because of the calories (I used splenda to substitute sugar and a banana to substitute oil) - but mostly because it seemed like a weird, random and kind of manic thing to do. Also I'm pretty sure it's going to be horrible.
I suppose the trick with this whole thing will be getting back into thinking about restricting as something plausible I could do, successfully. I've lost faith in my ability to not eat. Back in school it used to be a breeze, but now with no schedule enforced upon me, sticking to basic things like mealtimes becomes unrealistic, unless of course I learn how to enforce that discipline myself.
The 'experimental' chocolate cake batter contained 1/2 a cup of flour, 2 tbsp butter, splenda, a banana, chocolate syrup, 2 egg whites and 1/2 cup skim milk. In total, the tray shouldn't come to more than 500 calories, but I'm really dubious. I worry that I've created some poisonous concoction that is going to make me extremely ill.
Part of me doesn't really care.
Why must sticking to things (casual dieting; my schedule; a life plan) be so difficult? Surely it's not that hard, if other people with just as many problems can do it so successfully.
150, of course, is not the end goal. Once upon a time 150 was a start weight - a number that repulsed me. Now it's a number I would be satisfied to see on a scale. Not happy, or proud, but satisfied.
At 150 I start to resemble myself more. At 140 I look "healthy"; at 130 I am officially, finally classed as "thin" - that word we all covet so much. Strangely, 130 is almost low enough for me to be considered underweight. Even stranger is that the idea of being underweight doesn't hold me in the same thrall as it used to. I don't want to be a stick, I want to be powerful. I don't want someone to see me and think I'll break in half, or that I look delicate.
~392 calories so far. It doesn't sound like very much, but I won't have something to be proud of until I get through the evening without bingeing.
--UPDATE
19.00 hrs.
I haven't felt hunger like this in months. This is what half a year of eating your pain does to you. You lose sense of what it feels like to not eat. I feel like the apple made me hungrier. Now I'm pissed at myself for having it but honestly, there was no appealing alternative when I opened the fridge. I seem to be down to just: yogurt, salsa, cucumber, eggs and milk. And some toast.
I'm trying to tell myself to get over it. Get used to this feeling. Unfortunately no amount of cigarettes, coffee or diet coke will make this go away.
The cake came out of the oven. It smells heavenly but I have no idea how it tastes. Maybe later I'll have some.
Part of me wants to push through the hunger into something better. A hunger high, maybe. I forget how this works.
--UPDATE
The cake was... weird. It kind of tasted like bread and butter pudding. Which ordinarily would be gross but I guess when you're starving, you'll eat anything. Anything that contains less than 50 calories, that is.
I'm aware that this post is inordinately long. But weirdly, rambling about food makes me far more likely to turn it down when sticking to the plan is constantly on my mind. It may be to do with the ritalin, which makes me obsess over things more.
The hunger subsided a little after I had the cake, but not much. I'm going out for another cigarette in the hope that it'll curb my appetite somehow, but equally I'm aware that expecting to feel full on 442 calories over the course of a twenty-four day is unreasonable.
--UPDATE
Hit rock bottom at 9 and cried for about two hours to L. Gulped more coffee, and ended up eating 1 small tortilla wrap with guacamole because my stomach hurt (it still does). So total calories for Day 1 = 630.
Tuesday, 3 February 2015
50 day resolution to 150
Yesterday and today - binge. Need I say more? I'm starting over, this time shit's getting serious.
I HAVE to stop doing this to myself. This year was supposed to be a fresh start but I'm still at the high end of the 160s. Nothing's changed.
I need to get my weight under control and my life under control.
This morning I got up after three hours sleep and made my first seminar of the term. I've had a big problem with anxiety since December, regarding my classes. I don't know what it is but something about sitting in a circle where you're exposed and everyone can see you is so panic-inducing. I hate that I've developed a phobia of it. But I forced myself to go, which I felt momentarily good about until I realised the facts:
-I keep getting sporadic weight gain-induced acne eruptions that won't heal and are becoming impossible to cover with generic makeup (the recent one happened a few days ago and is showing no sign of going away)
-I just started my period, and it's heavier than it's ever been, due to my gaining thirty pounds in the space of a year and a half
-I gained thirty pounds
-I'm fat
Oh, and another gory thing you may or may not want to know is that I've only been to the bathroom once in the last three days, which for me is highly unusual and usually only happens when I 'leave' my comfortable, healthy weight range. I am so far past that point it's unreal.
I want to be able to condition myself, in the most clinical way possible, to go hours without food, or thinking about food. Train myself to eat the same lunch every day, a bowl of carrot sticks with mustard, apples and peanut butter, washed down with copious amounts of coffee or diet coke.
What I eat must be healthy and it must be worthwhile. Carbs to keep my energy up, protein and fibre too.
Coffee is good for warming the soul, and forgetting about food for a while.
I am also lucky enough to possess a script for Ritalin, which tends to curb my appetite completely - although I rarely take it as prescribed (10mg, 3x a day). In fact, I rarely take it at all, because it tends to increase my anxiety - the kind of level of anxiety I can only handle on a day I have an essay due at midnight. But I'm sure if taken in 10mg bursts over an extended period of time would help stave off hunger completely.
I'm also not going to weigh for a while. Not until I know I've got this under control, and everything is going as planned.
So yes, the 50 day resolution to 150 is happening NOW. No more dilly-dallying. I have to do this for myself and for my peace of mind. I have to do it otherwise I'll sink.
Oh - in other news, I got the place on the study abroad scheme. I'm going to New York next year if I get the grades... which means even more reason to get this sorted out now so I feel as confident and brilliant as possible when I get on that plane in August.
Counting from 00.00 which just passed in UK time. I'll update tomorrow.
Yesterday and today - binge. Need I say more? I'm starting over, this time shit's getting serious.
I HAVE to stop doing this to myself. This year was supposed to be a fresh start but I'm still at the high end of the 160s. Nothing's changed.
I need to get my weight under control and my life under control.
This morning I got up after three hours sleep and made my first seminar of the term. I've had a big problem with anxiety since December, regarding my classes. I don't know what it is but something about sitting in a circle where you're exposed and everyone can see you is so panic-inducing. I hate that I've developed a phobia of it. But I forced myself to go, which I felt momentarily good about until I realised the facts:
-I keep getting sporadic weight gain-induced acne eruptions that won't heal and are becoming impossible to cover with generic makeup (the recent one happened a few days ago and is showing no sign of going away)
-I just started my period, and it's heavier than it's ever been, due to my gaining thirty pounds in the space of a year and a half
-I gained thirty pounds
-I'm fat
Oh, and another gory thing you may or may not want to know is that I've only been to the bathroom once in the last three days, which for me is highly unusual and usually only happens when I 'leave' my comfortable, healthy weight range. I am so far past that point it's unreal.
I want to be able to condition myself, in the most clinical way possible, to go hours without food, or thinking about food. Train myself to eat the same lunch every day, a bowl of carrot sticks with mustard, apples and peanut butter, washed down with copious amounts of coffee or diet coke.
What I eat must be healthy and it must be worthwhile. Carbs to keep my energy up, protein and fibre too.
Coffee is good for warming the soul, and forgetting about food for a while.
I am also lucky enough to possess a script for Ritalin, which tends to curb my appetite completely - although I rarely take it as prescribed (10mg, 3x a day). In fact, I rarely take it at all, because it tends to increase my anxiety - the kind of level of anxiety I can only handle on a day I have an essay due at midnight. But I'm sure if taken in 10mg bursts over an extended period of time would help stave off hunger completely.
I'm also not going to weigh for a while. Not until I know I've got this under control, and everything is going as planned.
So yes, the 50 day resolution to 150 is happening NOW. No more dilly-dallying. I have to do this for myself and for my peace of mind. I have to do it otherwise I'll sink.
Oh - in other news, I got the place on the study abroad scheme. I'm going to New York next year if I get the grades... which means even more reason to get this sorted out now so I feel as confident and brilliant as possible when I get on that plane in August.
Counting from 00.00 which just passed in UK time. I'll update tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)