Migraine

Last night was... pretty awful, to say the least. At around 9pm my head really started to hurt. I attributed it to the weather and/or the fact that I drank diet coke yesterday (which I am not supposed to be doing). I spoke to Tina on the phone and went to bed in a relatively good mood, thinking I would sleep the headache off, as one usually presumes. But around 4am I woke up feeling like my skull was going to split in half. I went downstairs, downed a glass of water (I was in so much pain at this point my vision was cutting out), and rootled around for painkillers, but I couldn't find any, so I took a sleeping pill instead - one of those herbal over-the-counter ones - hoping, again, that I could just go back to sleep quickly and wake up feeling better. I lay in bed with the window open for about half an hour, with this awful throbbing headache, praying I would fall asleep or pass out or something, but then I started feeling really sick. So I had to go through about 45 minutes of terrible nausea (which gave me rather grim flashbacks of my time spent in hospital) before I could actually get myself to throw up. When I did, it was just the water I'd drunk earlier and stomach acid as I hadn't eaten for 12 hours, which was highly unpleasant. I still felt sick when I eventually drifted off, but I woke up about half an hour ago feeling much better. The headache is totally gone (besides a distant dull ache) and most of the nausea has gone but I still feel... urgh. Not great, to be honest. Groggy and weak and still faintly sick. And very tired.
       
I think the migraine was either down to the heat, or the sushi I ate. I don't often eat sushi so maybe my body wasn't used to it. Or maybe it was just bad sushi.

Yesterday I got no work done, and I feel awful about it. My exam is in 12 freaking days. And I have to teach myself 3/4 of the course from scratch using my textbook. I'm thinking my best bet is to try to get the entire textbook read and annotated by Saturday, so Sunday I can enjoy myself, and the rest of half term I can spend revising the language notes, and also devoting a bit of time to my literature set texts, which I don't understand in the slightest. It's not looking great. But I'm hoping it will be OK.

Ooh - I forgot to mention (?) - Sunday we're having a street party for the Jubilee! I've asked my friends along, we're going to be there as a group getting utterly sloshed on the free booze. So, you guessed it, Sunday will be my 'cheat day'. As long as I work hard until then and manage to lose a few more lbs, I won't feel guilty about it.

This morning I was 136.0, so a lb down from yesterday. So things are looking up slightly. I might not make 132 for the party but 134 is looking very feasible. As of today, I only have 8 lbs to go until I hit my GW, which is super exciting. Then it's building up calories until I hit my BMR. Then enjoying myself to the nines and getting utterly lampshaded with my friends on prom week.

Last scrap of news. It's pretty big news so I thought I'd save it till last. My sister is going to be moving back with me and my mum (semi?) permanently. Let me explain. My dad is abroad for the best part of this year working on a film. At the end of June he goes to America, then in August he comes back to Europe, and early winter he returns to America. He's not going to be living full-time in London again until December, which means my sister, the lost child, will be homeless unless we take her in. So, she will be living with us until the end of the year (around 6 months), and we're aiming to move her in a week after my exams finish (June 25th).

It's a weird concept to grasp, that my younger sister will be living with us again. Part of me is overjoyed and missed her so much and can't wait for her to move in. Another part is anxious, remembering what a nightmare she was before she left last year, and also nervously anticipating how she will react to the news of my mum's boyfriend (we haven't told her yet).

New tactic

This morning I was up to 137.0. That really pisses me off because I ate well yesterday and I didn't exceed 600 calories. There was no reason on earth for me to gain half a pound. I was really hoping to have lost all the binge weight by now, but no, I'm still 1.6 lbs away from where I was on Saturday morning, and probably won't be there again until Thursday.

Note to self: It takes half an hour to binge but practically a week to reverse the damage.
 
Pointless waste of time.

I'm trying a new tactic today to hopefully give my metabolism some sort of a kick, as obviously, it's dead, despite the fact that I ate half the fridge over the weekend. I'm giving myself a time limit on eating, sort of based around the whole intermittent fasting/one-meal-a-day idea. I started eating breakfast at 11am, and I am going to finish eating (everything for the day) by 2pm this afternoon.

Eats:

- 1 c. chocolate soymilk (154)
- Fresh mango (65)
- 1 tsp peanut butter (50)
- Chicken and vegetable sushi (225)

Total: 494

I'm going to buy a notebook today, I've decided. Last night I started reading through old journals from the last time I was near this weight, which was (if you can believe it) when I was 15. In three years, not much has changed, except now, I eat less. It's kind of depressing how much weight I used to lose on 1,000+ calories a day. Now if I ate that amount, I'd balloon (Saturday = case in point). I was eating things like cereal, toast, mac and cheese, sweets, chocolate and fruit salads all day long. Really calorific stuff and still losing weight.
 
Remember a few weeks after I came out of hospital, when my metabolism was running high and I was able to lose on 1,500? Kind of like that, but a kid's metabolism is just high constantly. Constantly burning thousands of calories at rest. I was way more active back then, that's for sure. Doing PE every day at school, taking the tube twice a day, and all the music practice I used to do... these things add up. Even during the holidays I used to go on way more outings (my family wasn't entirely fragmented at that point) - hikes and trips to the countryside, days out on picnics. I had less friends than I do now but I was out more often, if that makes sense. I wish, more than anything, that I could get back to that.
   
I've been slightly re-living the past. Reading these journals and diaries from three or four years ago is triggering some serious nostalgia. I will go into the shopping centre to try and find an identical notebook to the one I used back then. I'm sure the shop will still stock them. It's a pretty generic ringbinder but it's chunky and almost square-shaped, and colourful. I will replicate the one from 2008. I want to get back into that mindset.  

Which led me onto thinking about goals, and goal weights. I need to build up my calories to a normal level, and soon, because the starving seriously isn't helping my chronic fatigue issue at all. Remember how energetic I felt on Sunday evening? I think it was due, in part, to the amount of carbohydrates I consumed the previous night. Eating this little, at this height, with these health problems, when I could be eating so much more and still losing weight if my metabolism was in the right place, is such a stupid waste of time. I'm craving normality. The quicker I can get to a number I'm OK with, the quicker I can build up my calories again and the sooner I can get back to that normal, happy-go-lucky mindset that allowed me to frolic around for hours on end because I was so pumped up on sugar and couldn't wait to get outside in my favourite outfit.

I figured, once I get to 128 lbs and am then able to raise my calories to a moderate level, I might then be able to drop a few extra pounds just by eating intuitively during the summer when it's hot, when all I want to do is drink cocktails and talk manically to people whose company is utterly absorbing and engrossing, so engrossing that food will be farthest from my mind.

Lastly, 53 followers! I am so utterly flattered than ANYONE would want to read this drivel. So thank you, honestly, it means so much that I have your support. If any of you want a follow back (and I try to follow most of you, when I can find the follow button!!) give me a comment and I'll jump right on it.

Energetic

So last night I didn't end up sticking to the plan of fasting... or even healthy eating :/ I did good all day, only having a fresh fruit smoothie and a salad. Then I went to see Men In Black 3 with my pop (SO good by the way!) and my resolve crumbled... I got sweets. And diet coke. And I smoked afterwards. The 3 things I am NOT supposed to be doing with this chronic fatigue thing. Oh well. For the whole evening, despite having had a borderline depressing day inside, I felt strangely energetic. Maybe it's because my dad was ridiculously tired from work and seemed lethargic in comparison, but I managed to turn into a sprite the second I saw him and we had a really good evening.

It was slightly ruined by my mum being cranky with me when I got through the door. First of all she told me off for 'reeking of cigarette smoke', which is fair enough, but I didn't smoke any more than I usually do, and it's not like I've ever kept my filthy habit a secret from her. Then she started shouting at me about my room, saying it was a mess and I never took responsibility. Normal teenage stuff. But it was 11 o'clock at night. Sigh. She was fine this morning, before she left for work. So all's good now.

And, when I stepped on the scales, I saw 136.4 flash up at me, which means I'm a pound down from yesterday, and half the damage from the binge hath been reversed. Thank the lord.

My new plan, which I intend on following this week and beyond if it works out, is as follows:

Breakfast: Cup of soymilk or coffee
Lunch: Fruit (eg. berries, a smoothie)
Snack: Protein (eg. tbsp of peanut butter)
Dinner: Protein + vegetables

It's really simple and allows calories to be low but not too low. I'm not seeing any friends until Sunday (I think) so I have the whole week to work my arse off, and lose weight before I see anyone again. My goal is to be 132 lbs by Sunday. The last time I saw people like Tina, Caro, Charlie etc., I weighed around 141 lbs. So pretty much a 10lb difference. Is it wrong that I want to shock people? I don't know. Probably. I don't really care. I want to be the skinny friend.

For the record

I am not on my period. I just have an eating disorder which renders me incapable of controlling myself in the kitchen sometimes. And another note, that food was all in the space of 45 minutes, hence why I felt so utterly ill afterwards.

This morning I am back up to 137.4. Which is repulsive, but I deserved it, after last night's feeding frenzy. At least it is all food weight, which will be gone by tomorrow if I fast today. 

I haven't fasted since last October (?) so it's not something I am particularly looking forward to, or something I will carry on with past today. I just need one, pure, clean day to get it all out of my system. I'm going to be chugging water and that's it. Until I have to leave in the evening to go and meet my dad and sister... we were meant to be going to dinner before the film, but I might just say I'm running late so I don't have to eat anything. If this is inescapable I will eat something tiny and healthy that won't hurt me.

As you have probably deduced, I'm not very happy this morning. I called Tina to sort me out last night because I was crying so much I thought my lungs were giving out. This morning, my face is a total mess and I'm still bloated. And I have managed to undo a week's worth of progress in the space of one night. So no, I'm not very happy.

Tomorrow when I've got all of this shit out of me I'll come up with a new plan for next week.

Well done me.

- 3 slices cheese

- 75g milk chocolate

- 30g strong cheddar

- About 15 saltine crackers

- Mini spaghetti bolognese

- 3 biscotti

- Swiss muesli with soymilk
- Tortilla wrap

- God knows how many almonds

What the actual fuck is wrong with me. Why must I insist on undoing every inch of progress I make in the space of an hour.

EDIT/ 100g milk chocolate.

Melancholia

Not going to lie, it hasn't been the best day so far. It started off badly. Actually - that's wrong - it started off OK. I was expecting to see 136 on the scales after yesterday, but instead I saw 135.4, which was good, but it didn't make me happy. In fact I think I'd felt upset even upon waking. Why, I don't know. While I was downstairs boiling the kettle for coffee I got into a mini-argument with my mother, because she suddenly announced she was going to stay the night out of London with her boyfriend. It was my fault for not absorbing the information the first time she told me, last week (allegedly - I have no recollection of this). But it made me feel hurt and stupid and needy and excluded for entirely selfish and irrational reasons. I wasn't in a good mood, already, and it was only 10am.  

I had breakfast, and tried to get down to some work. But you know those days, when you're at home, and your mind is just constantly racing to the next meal? The next time you're allowed to eat, even if you're not hungry. I had lunch at 12.30 because I couldn't 'wait' until 1 o'clock (greedy, fat, slob). Then I ended up having a binge - wait for it - on lettuce. We have one of those huge icebergs in the fridge and I just kept going back for bowls and bowls of the stuff, with different dressings. I guess I was telling myself it was OK, it was justified to feel that disgustingly full, because at least I wasn't bingeing on cereal, or bread, or crisps, or ice cream. Then I stepped on the scales in a moment of masochism and saw 139 flash up at me. That triggered me to go back downstairs, find the crisps my mum had been hiding (no surprise there), and grab a load of other junk - cereal bars that have been annoying me for weeks, leftover gingerbread biscotti, and a 95-calorie energy bar that I was actually saving for a 'good' day rather than a binge. I brought it all up to my room, sat on my bed with my laptop, and chew/spat the whole lot into a plastic bag. One of my finer moments.

After that I felt disgusting so I downed a litre of water over about 10 minutes, hoping it would clear me out. Nope. Still bloated. It's 3pm and I am still bloated. I absolutely want to die.
 
How is it fair that some days my body/brain/whatever just 'decides' to wake up miserable. I was destined for failure, apparently, from the second I got out of bed. From the second I caught sight of myself in my bedroom mirror, and my heart filled with dread at the idea of a whole day alone, with my textbooks and my laptop, wishing I felt happy or free enough to go out in the sun, wishing the idea of calories and weights and numbers would just go away.

I was hoping I could 'save' this day by not eating until tomorrow, and I don't think I will. At least all I swallowed was lettuce. But I was particularly disappointed that I felt things were so desperate I had to firstly chomp through all the leftover junk in the house, and secondly, more revoltingly, proceed to spit for 20 minutes into a small plastic bag in the privacy of my bedroom.

The blinds are down, I'm sitting in a hot dark room feeling resentful of myself and of others, and today will not be a good day.

Good day

Today was really fun :) I went to see The Dictator (effing hilarious by the way) with Alfie and Zara. Then Zara had to run home to look after her brother and me and Alfie spent, like, 3 hours basking on the green near his school (I offered to help him empty out his locker) and lapping up the weather. I don't know what it is with him, time seems to fly by. We had the best conversations. About everything. And he talked about his relationship history and I talked to him about mine, and then he drove me ALL THE WAY HOME IN HIS CAR... I'm going to stop now.

Oh my God, literally this second, Alfie and Charlie both texted me. At the same time. Awkwardddd.

The feelings stop here, OK, Gabby? They stop here. They don't exist. Nothing exists.  

I'm really moving on now. I managed to get out of a very close diet scrape at Nando's (thank the fricking Lord) but got pick & mix at the cinema, like I was expecting. I didn't get a very big bag. It only cost about 2 quid which in cinema terms is not very many grams... so hopefully I didn't exceed 300-400 calories with that one. Estimating makes me anxious so I'm just going to try to move on. But unfortunately I also had a small breakfast (half fat cheese 37, 2 saltine crackers 32), a few full-sugar mints in Alfie's car (40?), a handful or two of popcorn that was being passed around (100?) and when I got home half an hour ago, because it was calling out to me, a tbsp of peanut butter (95). Fuck. So today turned out to be more like 600-700 calories. Fuck fuck fuck. I'm freaking out now...

Well, there's nothing I can do about it until tomorrow. I was BANG ON 135.0 lbs. And tomorrow I'll probably be back to fucking 136. I love how I would have traded an arm for that number a few months ago. Now it's simply not good enough and I am really dreading not being back at 135 until motherfucking Sunday. Arghhh. But if I play my cards right I could probably be at 134 on Monday morning, meaning I'll be starting the week off pretty nicely, if I do say so myself :)

In good news, these jeans are fucking falling off me. Embarrassingly so, I just look like I've gone and picked up a pair wayyy too big for me. I was hoisting them up all day. Guess I'm a size 10 now? Who knows. When these start to get loose round the legs I'll go and buy another pair. I don't want to buy a pair of 10s then find they're too tight... that would just be depressing. Also, when Alfie dropped me back, and I was walking up to the house, I found my mum and her boyfriend just casually having champagne (my mum was in a royal blue floral sundress) in our front garden. And she said - her exact words - 'What's happened to you? Have you suddenly dropped a stone? You look ridiculously skinny, darling'. And I just smiled and said have a nice evening and walked inside. Into the COOL.

Once again it's 8pm and I am still bloody boiling.

Hope everyone is good. Fingers crossed I haven't gained too much weight from today :P at least I enjoyed myself right?? (Does that justify it...? I think so.)

Heatwave

Jesus, the weather in London is just ridiculous. Anyone besides the lovely Isobel live in London? I took an hour walk for some stupid reason and by the end I was ready to die from the heat. It's 8pm and I'm STILL sweating my balls off.

So, it's been a busy day. I was in hospital this morning, visiting the hematologist. Who told me I have chronic fatigue.  

Joy of joys. Guess that explains all the weird energy level stuff. I did suspect I had it (remember the conversation with my mother?) The reason my blood tests confused all the doctors was because it's not uncommon for those who have suffered mononucleosis (glandular fever) to have post-viral fatigue. But mine has gone on way too long to have been a result of my recent bad health, so they reckon it started after I recovered from glandular fever last year. I've actually had this for a while, but the recent viral attack worsened my symptoms.

Anyway, all it means is (for now) I can't push my body to the limits. Exercise will make this worse. I'm not 'allowed' to get too stressed for the exams. I can only handle what I can handle, if you see what I mean. The doctor said I had to learn to 'budget' my energy, not wipe myself out, and hopefully, over time, this will get better. It'll take a while, but next year I should have a good portion of my energy back, as long as I take it easy now.

I don't particularly think starving myself or consuming the large amount of caffeine/sweeteners that I do is going to help me with the fatigue. Actually, the chronic fatigue website states, under 'diet guidelines', that anything with aspartame, caffeine, or even too much sugar in can worsen or trigger symptoms. So I've been having a little think, and I reckon, for the sake of my health, I am going to temporarily shorten my goal by a few lbs. My new goal is to lose only 11 more pounds, bringing me to 125 (or BMI 18.5, the lowest I can be while still technically 'healthy'). Once I'm at 125, I will be slowly bringing up my calorie count in a very controlled disciplined fashion so I don't put any of the weight back on - until I reach the recommended caloric intake for someone of my height and age, which happens to be around 1800-2000 calories.

I figured, I have forever to lose those last 5 lbs. But right now, I might as well take advantage of study leave, and lose a big chunk before the social stuff starts to pick up pace after exams.

This morning, much to my disappointment, I weighed in at 136.0. So I gained .4 of a lb from yesterday, I don't know how, but it's behind me. I was tempted to binge all day because of this set back, but I didn't; I actually ended up with a pretty good intake:

- 4 saltine crackers (63)
- 1.5 tbsp peanut butter (130)
- Skinny caramel coffee frappuccino (96)
- 2 salads with Russian dressing (250)
- Diet coke (1)

Total: 540

It's tomorrow I'm worried about - the afternoon cinema trip with Alfie and Zara. (Thank God we're going to see a film rather than anything else... I don't think I could take the heat or energy expenditure). My plan is to get a small bag of pick&mix, which is super expensive in London cinemas; that should deter me from buying too much. I will eat it slowly and enjoy it, then once the film is over, that's it. I'm done with the food. I am NOT staying at this weight until the end of the week, I simply won't have it.

Also, I am seriously contemplating giving up diet coke. Actually, all artificially sweetened products. It's bollocks, it isn't good for me, water is just as refreshing, and it's a waste of money, anyway. I will try to cut down on the smoking too. 

The End.

135.6 WHAT

I saw my sister yesterday! She called me on a whim yesterday afternoon and we hung out in the sun. She cheered me up so much. Prior to her phone call, at 3pm, asking if I'd like for her to meet me at the tube station so we could hang out near my house, I had been laying in bed in a dark room with the blinds down, staring up at the ceiling, ready to cry. Note to self: don't ever try to nap out of need if you haven't mastered the skill yet. It leads to disappointment, frustration, and a vast waste of time. I was lying there for literally an hour trying to catch up on sleep (stupid insomnia the night before) but, you know, when the body doesn't want to sleep, it won't. Or rather - when the mind doesn't want to, it won't.

We were laughing for about 3 hours straight. About - like - nothing in particular. We didn't even talk about the dysfunctional family unit situation. We basked in the sun outside Starbucks, went round the shops that were still open, and then lay on the green and snoozed like hot potatoes. I’m so glad I saved some calories to treat myself to a coffee with her. And thank the Lord for cigarettes.

I did buy a ton of individually wrapped bubblegum pieces, though – luckily I didn’t eat any yesterday, but I looked up the nutritional info and they’re 18 calories per sweet. So I'm making space today because they are delicious.

As a result of my melancholic turned manic afternoon, I didn't get my planned cardio in. But I did do a lot of walking, in the heat, so hopefully that burned a few calories :) And afterwards, instead of feeling utterly worn out, I felt happy and energized. This shows that energy levels can sometimes be psychosomatic rather than physiological like I always presume.

SOMETHING ELSE: I bought myself new jeans. (I hadn't bought a pair since I was about 15 and still wearing UK8s; the minute I shot up to a 12 I found it far too degrading to even consider owning a 'fat' pair of trousers.) But I'm incredibly happy I did - even if they were size 12s - because they were cheap as hell (£9), dark blue (have oddly never owned dark blue jeans), and fit me SO nicely. I might even look... dare I say it... slim? in these jeans. When I tried them on, I was also pleasantly surprised to find the waist band was even a little loose. Which for now, means belt, but more importantly, means another 5 lbs and I could be in size 10s. This, my friends, makes me very happy indeed.

Last night I had a dream about bingeing. That was fucking awful. I ate one too many tortillas and the world ended (NB: not literally). Also, Alfie featured, but I can't remember much about that (do I want to?) So I woke up, relieved to have only dreamt of bingeing and not actually done it for real, and had to lie in bed for half an hour until my mum's boyfriend had left the vicinity. Then I scampered to the scales and was horrified/in awe/ecstatic to see a consecutive eight readings of 135.6!!! Ahh I'm so excited to be back at my LW. Onwards and downwards (?) from here.

Restless

Once again, I was astonished at the overabundance of support on my last post. I really don't deserve you girls. But hearing that what I write about might be inspiring to some, is excellent reason not to fail and let you all down! So thank you.

Well, last night was absolutely dire, to say the least. I made this low-cal Mexican style wrap for dinner but because my mother got home so late, I didn't end up eating it until 9.30pm. I never usually like eating past 7pm, to be perfectly honest. It makes me feel groggy and way too full and I get anxious in the middle of the night that I've magically put on 3 pounds just from eating late.

So that happened. My intake yesterday looked like this:

Monday 21st May/ABC day 4- 400 cals

- All Bran cereal w/ light soymilk (150) - excluded from intake, as usual
- 1 c. frozen raspberries (25)
- 7 almonds (49)
- Cinnamon cookie (30)
- Glucose tablet (20)
- Salad (60)
- Quesadilla made with a small tortilla, lettuce, low fat cheese, guacamole, raita and salsa (215)

Total: 399

So the whole thing didn't add up to more than 600 calories - my 'cut-off' point for success vs. failure - but I felt so horrific by the end of the day I was ready to cry.

By the time I wanted to go to sleep, I was way too agitated to relax. I'd shut off everything by 12, but I didn't actually fall asleep for about three and a half hours. I suffered insomnia last year, and particularly whilst living in our old house. But since we've been here, I have slept incredibly well and insomnia hasn't been an issue for me. Last night, however, everything was wrong. My sheets were too messy, my pillows were too uncomfortable no matter which way I put them. When I finally did fall into sleep, I woke up a mere hour and a half later at 5am, thinking it was late morning. Bizarre. And I was very disappointed to find that my stomach wasn't flat as it usually is at night. I tried to fall back into sleep but it was interrupted by something or other for the next four hours. So what I assume is that I got about three hours' sleep in total, which consequently made me feel like shit in the morning.

I'm a firm believer that when you don't get a proper night's sleep, you don't lose weight. The scale goes down more when you've been out solidly for 10 hours, rather than a restless sleep of 3-5 hours. It's all to do with water weight and digestion and activity. So when I woke at 9am, properly this time and unable to sink back into snooze-mode, I knew the scales wouldn't have gone down much.
 
I hopped on them, and they said 136.6 twice, and 137.0 seven more times. So I assume I'm 137. I'm not actually that upset. Not really. A loss is a loss, and it's all in the right direction. And, as it currently stands - I have lost 4 lbs in 4 days.

I am reluctant to call this a 'plateau', for two reasons: one being that my weight is still going down, and another being that 'pleateaus' are normally the point at which I get discouraged and binge, and I will not be giving in to that urge today. Because I wish to keep my metabolism running smoothly over the next few days, particularly with Friday looming, I'm just going to make it a 500 day, and burn off 400 calories through some form of cardio-based exercise (which I should do every day, but I'm too lazy). That will give me a net of 100, which seems perfectly adequate.

Plan:

- Tortilla wrap w/ 1.5 tbsp peanut butter (230) - I'm including this today!
- Glucose tablet (20)
- 3/4 c. frozen raspberries (20)
- 1 slice Edam cheese (72)
- Lettuce w/ guacamole, salsa and raita (50)
- 3 almonds (21)
- Mocha (86)
 
Total: 499
Exercise: 20 mins cardio (-200), 30 mins yoga/strength training (-200)
Net: 99

I'm counting on seeing 136 for real tomorrow. I'm positively sure I will, as long as I stick to the plan, do some exercise, and don't eat after 7pm. That shit just doesn't work for me.

I am feeling a little happier, and it's probably because I'm losing weight again. Not just losing weight, either, but all the other things that tie in with it - working harder, spending more time thinking and for myself, being with my mum. Not to mention, as a side note, a lot of the drama that went down recently with my sister and dad has sort of diffused. So I feel calm, I can concentrate on my exam work, and dieting without pressure.

I cannot stress how important it is to do this while you're relaxed. I always used to think being anxious and on edge was intrinsic to restricting successfully. While that may well be true for me at times and for a lot of others on here, it's also pretty important there isn't some background hysteria in the midst of you trying to lose weight. It's actually better (and healthier, psychologically) to try to lose weight while you have clarity of mind, or only a few things to focus on - ie. study leave for me, where there aren't a lot of social pressures and I don't have to go into school. For others it might be the holidays, or a month where you are working in solitude. It all ties together.

I spoke to Tina last night - she knows all about my eating issues as we've been friends for a while. She asked me to honestly tell her how much more weight I wanted to lose. I answered honestly, because I trust her and heck, I have to tell someone. So I said that my long-term goal was probably to lose about 20 more pounds, but that I would be satisfied with losing 15 for the time being. She said she didn't want me to lose 20, but after some negotiation, and realising that I was insistent on dropping at least 15, she said she'd be keeping an eye on me whenever she could and making sure I didn't go too far with this. Which, I suppose, is all you can do when your friend has an eating disorder and won't actually listen to outside advice. So for now, it's 15 - which would bring my weight down to exactly 122 lbs (BMI 18). If I get there and I'm happy - or, at the least, content - I will stop. And start building my calories back up to a healthy, sensible level. Obviously if I want to lose more... well, that can wait, I have an entire year before I have to think about going to university again. So it's all good.

And on that (semi?) happy note, I'll leave you. Have a good day everyone <3

Day four!

Morning, lovelies.

I'm sort of taking it as it comes today. I’ve already had a small bowl of All Bran cereal with light soymilk for breakfast (which I’m not including). As for the rest of the day, it will probably include some fruit - either some fresh grapes or frozen berries, maybe a tuna salad, some rice cakes or a fat free yogurt. I’m just taking it easy, working hard and trying to drink as much water as possible. It's a 400 day but I doubt I will reach that, having had breakfast and everything. Maybe more like 300-350. We'll see.

I was 137.2 this morning, so another .4 of a lb down. 

So last night me and Alfie were texting (tut tut) and he basically construed that I wasn't feeling great, and proposed that he scoop me up in his car on Friday with Zara and the three of us go bowling/to see a film/on some sort of outing for the day. It was incredibly sweet of him, but dear God. Those two eat like horses. How the hell will I keep to such low calories whilst socialising? It's pretty much not gonna happen if I go out. 

I decided that Friday should be my 'day off'. I'm not particularly in 'binge mode' at the moment, or likely to binge any time over the next few days unless something unplanned turns up. I've been restricting successfully for a few days, losing weight, and honestly I feel like I'm on a roll. It's a pity it has to be interrupted... but I have to get out of the house at some point. And I figured that I could, quite feasibly, get down to around 134 by then - which would mean that even if I DID gain, I still wouldn't go anywhere near the 140s, maybe more like 136. Then I could hop straight back on the restricting wagon and be back down to 134 by the end of the weekend.

Ultimately, taking a planned 'break' should prevent binges up until then and possibly for a while afterwards; and hopefully take the stress out of an unplanned day of overeating. Heck, it might well turn out to be a relatively 'safe' day. As long as I know I'm allowed to eat like a normal person for an afternoon, I figure I'll hate myself considerably less afterwards. (Or perhaps I won't. I don't know. We'll have to see how it pans out).

That's all for this morning. Currently I am sitting typing this on my bed with a tall glass of ice water, and a cat curled up in my lap. Gotta love lazy Monday mornings.

Meow rawr. <3

137.6

Day three is go! The weight is dropping back off. The fact that I could see 136 tomorrow gives me this thrill I can't explain. Like nothing else in the world matters, except from me getting skinny again. It feels good.

Plan for today-

284 cals,

I think it will be a very easy day. My advice to all of those who are restricting in an extreme way - at any point - should discount breakfast on <350 days. As long as it is healthy, less than 200 calories and contains something like oats or protein that gives slow-release energy, there is no need to count it, it will not affect weight loss. As for the rest of the day, I will eat sporadically to keep up my metabolism. And my own personal rule is to never eat past 8pm (usually I try not to go beyond 7pm).

So I've lost 3.4 lbs already in 2 days. Life is pretty good. 

I don't actually know when I'm going to be seeing my friends again. Most of them have exams sooner than I do (and stricter parents than I do, too) so I doubt anyone will make much of an appearance before half-term (around the 5th June I believe). Even then, it's the week before my first exam, so I won't be out drinking or anything. (Boo). I have got to stop using parentheses in my writing all the time.

I would like to turn up 10lbs thinner just to see what their reaction would be. Or whether they'd even notice? Sometimes I wonder. - Even though I know they love me dearly, they all have their own issues, and it's not like anybody got particularly worried about Charlie before she dropped a good 20 lbs eating nothing but baby food.

  

(And yes, in regards to the following picture, I am now a 90210 whore)

138.6

Can you say WHAAAAT?

Guess avoiding those crisps paid off?

Yesterday -
Breakfast, Fat free yogurt- 49 cal
Lunch, Chicken sweetcorn pasta - 200 cal, small can full fat coke- 63 cal
Snack, Alpen Light chocolate & orange bar- 64 cal
Dinner, Panna cotta- 100 cal, grapes- 15 cal
= 491

Just for the record, I lost -2.4 lbs on Day 1. I got a MASSIVE hunger high this afternoon. Felt amazing. Menthol cigarettes & diet coke will get me through this.    

I am concentrating on my work, and watching 90210 and going for walks. The next time I see my friends I want to be 135 MAXIMUM. This is very good motivation for me to stick to the diet.

Also, on the very low calorie days, I'm considering discounting breakfast from my intake because I need something to fuel me for work. I already have very little energy as it is. So on days which are 100 or 200 calories, I'll have a bowl of oatmeal and not count it into the day's allowance. It's not going to affect my weight loss, it's healthy, and I need brain fuel for work.     

Damn it feels good to be restricting again.

Finally a happy post! 

139.6/Honesty Hour

My aim is just to not exceed 600 calories/day which should be very easy for me. I only lost .2 of a lb yesterday so I'm at 139.6 :/ I need to see 138 on the scale tomorrow otherwise I will totally lose motivation. Pathetic, I know. But my mind works in funny ways... At least I'm not in the 140s. Will keep repeating that to myself.

I've started watching 90210. Ridiculous but so addictive.

Not much is happening. Study leave is nigh. I am working - not as much I could be, but I am actually doing some work which is apparently rare for me. I have avoided going into school and seeing my friends for the past 2 days. There are several reasons for this:

1) Everyone has been dressing up and I feel totally unqualified to dress up when I haven't even been in school for the past 4 months. Like, I feel like I'm a total outcast who doesn't belong more than ever before because I was ill and it's like I don't deserve to dress up or feel like a part of my year. It's really stupid but... I don't want to make my grand entrance at English Lit dressed like a zombie on the last day ever. It's stupid.    

2) Being with my friends has not been an aid to my diet thus far. I know I can't avoid social situations forever - and I'm not planning to - but having 2 important, life-defining exams in the next 5 weeks isn't a bad excuse not to want to go out and waste time eating a big ass lunch. Nor do I feel like partying like there's no tomorrow on the weekend, which has been suggested by all. I can't be effed to get drunk and then hungover. I have no energy as it is. I can't be effed to have to worry about bingeing, then what I'll do after the binge, all the weight I'll gain, and how it will drain me for the next week. I just can't do it. Right now all my friends seem to want to do is buy a shitload of chocolate or bagels at lunch because they're stressed, and I'm not interested. They tell me off when I don't eat or when all I want to do is smoke menthols and drink diet coke. Or, I get bought delicious iced blueberry muffin cake things by Alfie. Which brings me onto...

3) Alfie. Yes I am avoiding him. We have been texting way too much for comfort and he's Charlie's boyfriend and they really like each other and I am not getting in the middle of this. I need to not see him for a week or two to work out what is going on in my own head. I have never really liked someone this way before, especially not a boy, so this is all new territory. And I have to be careful.

404

404 calories today.

I was 139.8 again this morning so back under the godforsaken 140s. 

I didn't wanna admit this but...

I think I like my best friend's boyfriend.

Shit.

This will always be the day my dad’s girlfriend went batshit crazy and ripped up his entire flat all his clothes and his paintings with a knife and left broken glass all over the floor for my little sister to walk home to.  

Sunday cont.

I stepped on the scales this evening and I'm 140.8 - woo! I won't have gained tomorrow! I'm so happy :) Being back in the 130s really does feel good. I didn't plan the strawberry lace or the extra 1/2 packet of crisps, but my sister randomly called me at lunch and asked if she could come over. Of course I said yes even though I'm hungover because I adore my little sister. We sat on the green in the sun. It was lovely. It could have been much worse, usually we buy like a pint of fruit smoothie and five bags of crisps to share. We are crisp fiends the both of us :/ But I don't know where she puts it. I think fast food just evaporates off her when she eats it. 

As for that vanilla frosting... Jesus I really had to restrain myself from finishing the whole tub. Betty Crocker is a bitch. She makes me break my diet every time... But not today! I shouldn't have gone into the tub in the first place but it was calling out to me. I managed to escape with 1 teaspoon of the stuff and then I downed a shit load of diet coke and went to the bathroom. Then I felt better.

Tomorrow I'm going into school but only to see my friends and go out to lunch with them. It's just, I've got a good thing going with my revision at home. I find it easy to study here, at my little desk, next to a big window that lets in sunlight and makes me feel relaxed and happy. I have my moments of procrastination - like now - but to be honest, they're nowhere near as bad as before. I think I handle studying for exams better than I do coursework. Coursework I put off, and off, and off till the last minute. With exam work, I just make a shitload of notes and read my textbooks and I can go with it, I actually enjoy it in a funny kind of way. Restricting helps also. It makes me focused and I can follow one train of thought rather than my mind creatively exploding and obliterating my inner sense of calm. (I sound like such a hippy, but it's true). When I decide to go into school, I waste the entire morning having a bath and making myself presentable enough that the teachers don't bug me with questions about my health. I go in for my one English class which usually is a total waste of time, because I'm going at my own pace with revision, and all classes do is remind me how behind I am in a few of the texts. I won't understand half of what's going on, but because I'm brainy I'll pick out good points and my teacher will tell me I'm doing remarkably well despite my illness which gives me a false sense of security. Ughh. So it's better to just go in when I'm feeling up to it rather than forcing myself to turn up. I'm on a super flexible schedule anyway. The important thing is working hard at home, and getting out every day to see my friends/go on a long walk/occasionally go in for a lesson or a catch-up with one of my teachers.

Sunday

139.8 lbs.
Happy Sunday!

Weekends

Why do I always have to monumentally fuck up at the weekends?

It's always someone's birthday, or someone's crazy party, or the pub. Friends and alcohol are the common denominators. I reckon I overeat anyway, without the presence of alcohol, but when I do drink, which is more often than not, it definitely makes me give less of a shit about stuffing my face.

This is not good. I'm back on the baby food again tomorrow without fail. It actually works. Bingeing, especially when I've got some really important dates coming up, does not work for me. It works against me and everything I strive for.

Ugh. Rant over. I'm going to bed. I'm not expecting to see a pretty number on the scales tomorrow. Mourning the loss of the fleeting 140.2 I glimpsed this morning.

(By the way, I had a really good night. I'm just complaining because I'm fat.)

America

My father has been offered a job in America, and I'm going to be moving there with my sister for a month this summer. I can't tell you how much I want, need, to escape, get away from here. I adore my mum and I adore my friends and London and my cosy little bedroom. But three to four weeks in another country, all expenses covered by Daddy, is something I just can't resist right now. Of course, this gives me even more motivation to lose this weight. I want to leave this July at my goal weight, with a metabolism that is up to scratch. I need to be beautiful for America. I need to be able to handle normal quantities of food again without gaining weight. There is no point in bingeing because when I'm on a plane to sunny USA, having finished my exams and waved goodbye to duties and friends until August, I don't want to look back.          

This morning I was 141.0 lbs. I am back on track, finally. My diet is going very well. Tomorrow will be official day 5. I have a small drinks party in the afternoon with a couple of my closest friends. We are celebrating Tina's 18th with champers and cupcakes. I will be saving my calories for the afternoon and limiting myself to ONE cupcake only. And of course, who could turn down free champagne?

I haven't had a very good week. I've been very depressed and hardly in school. To make matters worse, I went to the dentists' this morning to get my wisdom teeth checked out, and they need to be pulled. The problem is, I can't have any kind of surgery or be put under anesthetic until my white blood cell count is back up to normal. And that might not be for a while. I also have to get the tonsils removed at some point so it looks like this summer is going to be busy. (It also looks like the majority of August is going to be spent in crippling oral pain. Probably very good for weight loss.) So I've been very antisocial for days now and cancelled various social rallies due to feeling very sad and low-energy. The up side is I have been able to get some work done. I put up my desk so I can feel less like a slob whilst revising. (And less inclined to start watching re-runs of Buffy).

Here's to hoping next week is better. It's the last week of teaching - and muck-up day. Screw depression. I'm going to be on top form. By Monday I want to have done a TON of revision so that I can be up to date with schoolwork and wow the teachers in my classes. I think I need to toughen up. The girl who is going to the US this summer must be a tough cookie, not a weakling. She needs to be fit, well, energetic and bodacious.

I hope everyone is doing OK, I'll catch up on blogs ASAP. x

Faith

I've been watching re-runs of Buffy in between revision and I have decided that by next year, I want to look like Faith. Eliza Dushku is just so hot it's not fair.

Over bingeing...

Hangin'

So 'liquids for the rest of the day' didn't go as planned!! It definitely could have been worse though. I drank a LOT more than I ate which isn't usually the case. I actually lasted until about 3 or 4am on just booze (and weed) until me and Alfie decided that we were ravenously hungry and went in drunken search of a McDs in the local area... we got so lost and like fell in the street and stuff. It was bad. But we made up for it by having awesome chats. He is such a nice guy. I wouldn't touch him because I know Charlie is really into him, but if they weren't going out things probably would have happened last night... just saying. (And he said I was tiny! TINY! I love him forever for that.)    

Bikini wise... I felt awesome in my bikini. I don't even know why. Maybe it's because (in the most arrogant way) I knew I was more attractive than at least 80% of the girls there?! And I got a ridiculous amount of compliments on my figure. So that was all good. I think I also felt pretty good because right before I left for the party I saw 139.8 on the scales :) Haha that's all disappeared now but at least I know the 130s are in my reach again.

I ended up sleeping for an hour (from 5-6 am) in the doorway of a utility room with Alfie. Zara passed out after getting emotional (not a pretty sight), Caro passed out after chundering (she was out pretty much the second I arrived), Bash and Tina were up pretty much all night and surreptitiously left when the tubes opened. All in all it was a pretty good party, but mostly because I hung out with Alfie for the entire time and got completely fucking wasted. I haven't been that drunk in... years. And this morning, do I feel groggy.

Which brings me back to the food. I vaguely remember eating wholewheat bread with light philadelphia cheese and raspberry jam. Like, two big pieces. Also, raspberries. And a packet of weird crisps. This guy's family are obviously health freaks or something, which usually I would dig, except that I wanted JUNK and all I could find was smoothies and fruit and low fat cheese spreads and CONDIMENTS. Probably a good thing to be honest. But urghh eating at 4 in the morning does not bode well. Your digestive system just doesn't want to work at night so you end up going around with all this food fermenting in your stomach. Urgh. And in the morning after my 1 hr's sleep on a wooden floor in a doorway in my best friend's boyfriend's armpit, in all my disheveled glory, I agreed to McDonalds hangover breakfast... stuuuuupid. Zara and Caro split and so me and Alfie ended up chilling in there for like 2 hrs with fries and chicken mayos and full sugar Fanta at 9am. Lush.
           
I weighed myself when I got home more out of morbid curiosity than actual concern. I was pleasantly surprised to see I'd only gone up to 142.2 (and that was - tmi - before I'd used the bathroom, and with no sleep, and a full stomach of fast food and whatever booze was still in my system, etc.). It's now 2.30pm and I'm chilling with a 1L bottle of diet lemonade (17p from Tesco's, BOOM) and some shit TV. Life is good. Plan for the rest of the day is: feel less groggy, exercise, don't eat anything, feel less groggy, don't eat, feel less groggy. To be honest what hurts the most is my muscles from working out yesterday. I'm soooo sore from those 1-minute moves. Seriously. Those videos kicked my butt.

Ooh and the play was amazing too! We bumped into some old friends. My dad is stressed. Very stressed. He needs a holiday or I'm seriously worried he'll have a heart attack... or something. And the stuff with my sister hasn't exactly eased that stress. Argh. I wish I didn't have to spend so much time worrying about my parents.

New workout

This then this then this.

Phew. Just did it and I feel like I've run a marathon! The whole thing takes about 45-60 minutes in total depending how many rests you have, how many stretches you do, etc. And it KILLS! I'm gonna do the whole circuit 5-6 times a week until I join a gym in July. I can't wait for how my body is going to look this summer! I'm genuinely excited, instead of dreading it - for once.

I think I'm getting addicted to exercise :P

The sad news is that I only dropped .4 of a lb from yesterday, so I'm at 140.2 this morning instead of 139 :( That triggered me into a mini 'binge' practically the minute I came out of the bathroom and went downstairs. I went into the kitchen and literally shoved 500 calories worth of food into my mouth in the space of 15 minutes. It wasn't even 10am yet!! But determined not to bugger up my entire day, I 'saved' it by downing a huge glass of water, then working out for an hour solid. It's half 11 and I've just stepped out of the shower. I'm not going to eat any solid food until tomorrow. The rest of the day will consist of drinks and drinks only.

Plus, I really don't want to go to this party bloated!

I'm having Tina over to stay tonight (we'll come back in a cab at 4 or 5 depending on when we want to clear out if this guy's house) so I'll be sleeping in tomorrow, getting breakfast with her, and then probably going on to meet up with our other friends in the afternoon. I hope it's not too full on because I will be hanging like a mo fo.

Sunday I am seeing my sister and Monday is a bank holiday, so I'm going to try to get some work done for once.

Zero energy

140.6 lbs this morning. 139 for tomorrow is looking good! Thank you for your lovely words on my posts! It's so nice to hear from all of you. I'm not feeling very well at the moment. Very low-energy, not psychologically depressed but rather physically so. I went into school yesterday for English literature but today I couldn't manage it, so I've just been snuggling up in bed with a hot water bottle and Bones. (Nothing like David Boreanaz to cheer you up on a bad day). I allowed myself a little Milky Way bar (98 calories) as a treat because I felt I needed a sugar boost. I love mini chocolate bars <3 You only need a small amount to taste it anyway. I heard that you stop enjoying food after 3 bites because you're no longer eating for necessity but out of luxury or gluttony. Just something to think about.

I am fretting about tomorrow a bit because I have two consecutive events in the evening (theatre then party), and I know I'm going to have to eat at one of them. I'm hoping I will be able to get away with a diet coke at the theatre in the interval. I'll just tell my dad I'm going on to a POOL (!) party afterwards and don't want to eat ice cream. It's not a big deal. Then I'll give myself a 500 calorie allowance for alcohol AND food at the party. I'm thinking 5 vodka & diet cokes (or whatever amounts to the same calories) which will get me tipsy at best, but not so drunk I'll be knocked out for the entire weekend. Then I'll have room for a packet of crisps/couple of bites of pizza/whatever's going round. I honestly don't think I'll be particularly tempted to binge when I'm going round half naked. And in a pool you can just bob around and hold your drink of choice. As long as I'm manically talking to someone or swimming, I can't eat.  

Pool

140.8 lbs THANK GOD. OK, so I've hit Day 5 on the HSGD... I can't actually believe it. I don't wanna jinx it, but I've never actually got this far on a diet before. How pathetic is that? Usually I would have binged by now! But not this time. I haven't binged since Friday and I am over the moon about that. I might just have broken the pattern. Every time I get the urge to binge, I run upstairs and go to work out. If, after I've just spent 30 minutes crunching and twisting and all the rest of it, totally sweaty and gross and ready for a shower, IF I still want the food, then I can have it. But I have to exercise first (the idea is I'll do something productive towards weight loss and then probably change my mind).

Like last night, my mum had her boyfriend over, and she bought crisps. My absolute kryptonite. She offered me one. I had one, realised they weren't actually that great and it was already 10pm, and dashed upstairs to exercise. I had the best workout ever and in the shower I felt so proud of myself. My abs and legs are so sore from doing all the crunches! It's a good kind of sore though... I like it. It means I'm doing something right.

My skin is clearing up which I am very happy about. I generally have a very clear face (thanks to genetics) so when I get a spot, it's a big deal and I hate myself until it goes away. Those two ones that have just cleared up, well, covering them was practically an art. I'm hoping that if I keep exercising, combined with my long walks and eating clean, it'll help prevent break outs altogether. I really hate being a teenager and being so prone to these things :/ I hope by the time I go to uni I'll be past the breakout phase...

I've been seeing lots of my friends, but since coursework finished I haven't really done any work. Which is bad. I have kind of felt exhausted. Today I have a lesson in 2 hrs so I should probably get dressed and go into school for that. Much as I don't want to. But it's only 1 lesson, I have to go into that class some time, and afterwards me and the friends are lunching, which is always great so I'll just try my best to get through it.

Oh - several others things. 1. I was SO stupid yesterday. In the afternoon I went for a coffee/window shop with Caro, Tina and Bash. And while me and Caro were swanning round a newsagents we wound up picking up and buying all this junk. We only meant to go in there to get cigarettes!! I got a bag of salted pretzel sticks (291 calories), spinach and cheese bruschette savoury biscuits (322 calories), a packet of California raisins (129 calories) and I still haven't eaten those salt and vinegar crisps that have been hanging around like a dark cloud over my head for the past week. Dumb dumb dumb. I didn't really want *any* of that stuff. And I have no idea why I bought it? I get weirdly manic in food shops... especially when with Caro. But at least I didn't eat any of it. It's all in a plastic bag in my wardrobe and I am now going to have to ration myself. I'm going to have to before I binge on it. Dangerous territory. I wanted fro yo for lunch today but I'm gonna stick it and have the pretzels because I've already spent enough money. Bleh.

And 2. I have this thing coming up on Friday. Well, two things. I think I'm gonna ditch school that day (I only have 1 lesson anyway that I'm not really required to turn up to) because I'm going to the theatre with my dad at, like, 9, and then I have to get my ass the other side of London for a party that will be going on all night. It's in this guy's house who some of my friends know and his family own something huge, and they have a swimming pool in their basement. Isn't that obscene? Well. I think it is, anyway. It has its own changing rooms and a jacuzzi. But the point is, that I'll get there in the middle of the night, probably exhausted and most likely looking like shit. Everyone goes crazy at this guy's house apparently. Ie. getting in the swimming pool, making out in the swimming pool, etc. And my friends are planning on staying over. It would take an hour and a half to night-bus it back to my house (and it's a really dodgy route that I don't feel like taking when drunk at 4 o'clock in the morning). So I might sleep over... but I *really* don't want to. Like, if there's a spare bed in a quiet room in his massive house, I'll slink off and kip there, and then surreptitiously leave in the morning. But I do NOT want to wake up amongst other people after having swam in my make up and being totally hungover and everything else... erghh. These are the kinds of parties where people break up, or drown.

I'm gonna go to school now.
Love you all, beautiful girls. <3