Stoptober

Hello all!

Amsterdam was bliss. Sunny, rainy, cut-off bliss, and while I missed London terribly, now that I'm back, I can't help but feel this wave of depression take over me. I spent two days trying to re-connect with my father and by the end of the week we were best friends again, having fantastic conversations and hitting it off like we always used to. I was his little girl again. Once I was back in London yesterday afternoon, I realised I was in a totally different mental space, and would actually have to learn how to reconnect with my mother after 10 days apart. It isn't easy skipping between divorced parents, let me tell you. You get used to one and then all of a sudden you have to get used to the other, soon after which you are catapulted back to the first... your head can't always keep up.

Eating wise I did okay the first few days, but I got my period (weeks late) on the Tuesday and following that proceeded to eat everything in sight. Low moments included eating hazelnut chocolate bars by the 100gs, half of a giant pizza all by myself, many many family sized bags of crisps, oh and I'm not even going to start on all the amazing restaurants and bakeries we went to... Jesus, it was bad, but so so good.

I'm going to stop ruminating on the past, though, and work with what I have here in front of me. Seeing my friends today who were back from uni for the weekend put things in perspective. I have 2 days of school this week, 2 university parties (well, events) to attend with Caro on Monday night and Thursday night, theatre work on Wednesday night, and visiting Tina in halls at the weekend. Busy busy busy. No time to binge, really, and I'm not even thinking about when my next binge day will be. I'm simply not interested. Weight? I'm up 1lb to 146, and quite frankly, after my antics abroad I deserve to be at least 148... so I'm not complaining. Also, tomorrow is "Stoptober" - national non smoking month - and a group of us are giving up. I think my dad and sister might too. It's gonna be fucking hard but for the best. Along with that I'm giving up eating crap, drinking diet coke and being a lazy ass. Bring on exercise and healthy eating.

I guess I just want to become a better person in general over the next month. More disciplined, more focused, and I want my body to match that. I'm seeing Alfie at the end of October and going to America not too long after that. I'm going to pour all my energy into working hard and bettering myself both physically and psychologically until then.

Food today was okay-

Breakfast: Fairtrade banana, Innocent orange juice
Lunch: 4 sushi rolls, soy vanilla latte, blueberry muffin
Snack: Almonds, celery with hoummous, 2 Nakd bars
Dinner: Lettuce, tomato, celery and cucumber salad

Here's to a great month (starting tomorrow) - and I will try to start writing better, more positive blog posts soon, I promise. It's all just a bit weird inside my head right now.

Wednesday antics

Today is a busy day. I have to be out of the house in 40 minutes to go to school, as I was late yesterday, and have to make up 2 hours today. At 2.30 I have a hospital appointment with my ENT for a check up on the old throat. After that I'm meeting Tina near her house for Starbucks, then I have to rush home, get changed into something smart, and head to the theatre to meet with the general manager, who will sort me out at the front of house. I'm very nervous but excited at the same time. I get to see the play afterwards too (for free)! So I will probably be back late, and won't be able to stuff my face like I normally would do.

For breakfast I made myself the best smoothie ever... mango, banana and orange... oh my God it tasted like heaven. I was 145 on the scales this morning. Slight improvement from 146 but still bloody awful. If I'm 144 on my birthday, I will be vaguely content. If I'm over 145 it will be depressing as hell. My sister and I have plans to get drunk on the 45 minute flight to Amsterdam as a birthday celebration. I don't know... I haven't been drunk since before my operation (almost 5 weeks ago) and I don't really miss it, but I guess if my tolerance has gone down I might be able to escape with a glass of wine or something, that could get me happy for sure. Also I need to buy a ton of new clothes over there, because I am literally so short of them it's tragic.

I've started smoking rollies (rolling tobacco) too, because it's way cheaper, has less chemicals, and you actually smoke less in the long run because the cigarettes are smaller, and it's an effort to roll. May or may not keep this up abroad. And October I'm quitting altogether and seeing if I can stick it without them.

Very short post, but wanted to update on how I'm doing - which is a little better than yesterday.

Love to you all x

Food and failure and fear

Dear Readers;

I want to apologise for being such a monumentally pissy, attention-seeking child on my last post. As I saw by the abundance of comments, I've got a lot of people still reading and caring, so I'm so sorry that I judged things otherwise.

Things are not great right now.

My sister's suicidal. She's being ganged up on by 3 of her closest friends and the guy she slept with is basically bullying her. She has been talking about wanting to end it all, wishing a car would hit her, making plans to hurt herself and overdose. My parents have collaboratively decided that the two of us go to stay with my dad for the rest of the month so she can clear her head, with the condition that she keeps up her schoolwork abroad.

I'm leaving on Thursday night (my birthday) and returning September 29th.

My weight has ballooned to 146.2 lbs, and I hate that I'm worrying about this almost as much as I'm worrying about my sister, but I can't believe I have let things get this bad. 146 is not a weight I want to see on my scale ever again, and at the beginning of the summer, I didn't think I would. Being over 142 scares me shitless regardless, and 144 I can just about deal with, knowing that a good day or two will bring me back down to my safe zone with minimal damage. But 146 is on a whole new plane. I associate it with the time before I got ill in February; the time I returned from that seaside holiday where I'd been bingeing for the entire weekend; the weight I was before I started this blog, and long before that, when I was rotating around similar numbers for over a year. It makes me feel disappointed in myself and frustrated and like every effort I have ever made to lose weight has been wasted. It is a horrible, sickening, debilitating feeling.

I'm already late for my second day of art. If I go in at lunch, I can make it up. This morning I've had a Clif bar, a Trek bar, and a lemon green tea - around 550 calories already. Yesterday afternoon me, Tina and my sister ordered Chinese because we were bored and after that I just kept eating, long after I was full, and long after everyone else had stopped. I am so deeply disappointed in myself. I probably tipped 3000 calories which is just obscene.

The rest of the day will involve a mango super food smoothie, a coffee with soy milk, and a salad. Maximum 950 calories. That is it.

The only good news I've received is that I got one of the theatre jobs I applied for. Wednesday night I will be standing in helping out at the front of house and afterwards I get to see the play for free. Done deal.

Amsterdam is truly my opportunity to drop weight, not gain it. I think I might go on a fruit and vegetable diet. Fruits, veggies, sushi, coffee and cigarettes only. Meals at weekends and strict during the week. There's no point in going if I am just going to eat eat eat there. I could come back on September 30th a different person, 10 lbs lighter, if I really wanted to. Then I could pick up where I left off with the healthy eating and start running again.

Need to start running again.

Eco-warrior

So last night I had a binge, a mental breakdown, and then an hour of desperately searching online for potential jobs and voluntary work I could do. I applied for voluntary work at two London theatres looking for young people to get involved in front of house jobs and student representative roles, and I also volunteered with Oxfam at the end of October to take part in a charity/fundraising run cheering on the runners... next time it will be me doing the running. I also signed up to help tidy up/paint this youth centre next month and am thinking of volunteering to tidy up the Brompton cemetery. I'm just trying to be pro active, assuage the guilt and bulk out the calendar I guess... made me feel vaguely better, and also made the binge feel... dare I say it... worth it?

If I don't get the theatre projects, I'm going to stick my CV in the window of this chocolate shop in Central London that are always asking for help. It's paid work, part-time, and all I would have to do would be stand behind a till and look pretty and smile and pick rich people out boxes of chocolates. Sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

Busy week coming up. Art days tomorrow and Tuesday; babysitting Wednesday; birthday Thursday; Amsterdam Friday. Me and my sister are escaping for a long weekend. I need to get the fuck out of London again because I'm lonely and bored and Amsterdam understands me. Plus cigarettes are cheap there and weed is legal. What's not to like.

About to meet Tina for a coffee (standard) - sometimes I feel like she, and Caro, are my only real friends at the moment. There are others floating around like Raina and Ginger but they're not properly in my life. They are kind of fairweather friends that I just talk about arbitrary things with and right now I need people who truly understand what's going on.
 
Fat. 144 lbs. Need to go fully vegetarian or 90% vegan ASAP. Need to stop bingeing. Need to start running again. Need to make the most out of life.

When life gives you lemons

Boring day today. No one's around. Waiting for my life to pick up. Woke up super early (8.30) which was annoying because I wanted to sleep in. Had a coffee with my sister around 1.30 and apart from that I've done nothing all day. Food-wise it's been good: I've had 3 Nakd raw vegan bars (445), a super food smoothie (243), apple and beetroot juice (100), a soy vanilla latte (141) and a big handful of raw walnuts (150) because I've heard they are good for getting in your omega when you don't eat fish. So apart from the latte, everything I've eaten has been totally raw vegan, which is awesome :) I failed with the no cigarettes thing... menthols and latte go so well together... but I'm definitely cutting down, and then giving up completely in October (national stop smoking month!) For dinner I am going to make a big raw salad with cucumber, wild rocket, celery, spring onions, tomatoes, coriander, and a dressing made from balsamic vinegar and agave nectar. Yum times.

So I need to think up a title for my art coursework, like a starting concept for my project, and I am feeling utterly uninspired and lost for ideas. In an effort to assuage my guilt over being a worthless slob today, I applied for a local babysitting job. I have another (unrelated) babysitting date on Wednesday night, which is excellent because I am totally skint at the moment. It also struck me that I could actually apply for some modeling opportunities this year, if I got the measurements down. I mean, who knows, putting yourself out there can be a fine thing. If I meet the model requirements (bust: 31-34", waist: 22-24", and hips: 31-35") and still get rejected from all the agencies I apply to, I will give up on the whole idea. But for now it's a nice fantasy to occupy my mind with and actually something to work towards. I am thinking of applying to Premier model management. I went on their website today and you have to submit two photos of yourself, and your measurements. Right now there is no way they will take me with my current proportions (33-28-36, I believe, although I'll have to check that). Mostly I just want to raise my game a little and have a goal in mind, so I'm not just losing weight because I'm depressed or want to be skinny... I like the idea of having to lose weight for a possible career option. There's no better motivator for losing weight than actually needing to, because otherwise, I might become completely and utterly broke. And I am aware that the competition is huge. Worth a shot I guess... I have the height so I might as well make the most of it, and of myself.

I'm having a little love affair in my mind with Cara Delevingne, who is just beautiful. Her measurements are 31-24-34, and she is only half an inch taller than me.

These are the vegan bars I was talking about (they're basically just raw fruit, nuts and oats), and the brand of superfood juice I drink:

I'm gonna go running later... literally that is all I have going for me today... I'm feeling bored and out of it and kind of lonely and I really hate how I can't just call Alfie and ask him to come over. It makes me really sad, that's all. Maybe if I lose enough weight and run enough I will stop thinking about him... Maybe. 

Endorphins!!! Wheeee!

So it dawned on me this morning that the in-denial-bingeing had to stop. I was up to an unseemly weight after stuffing my face AGAIN last night despite telling myself I absolutely wouldn't, and it was time to take action. I hastily proposed a moratorium on shitty empty carbs over this weekend, and told myself I needed to be super strict until I got back to 140. Today wound up pretty good...

-I had a fibre and protein-packed smoothie for breakfast. It was pretty big it had 2 pears, 1 apple, 1 banana, 2 tbsp oats, 200ml unsweetened almond milk, some cinnamon and agave nectar

-I didn’t eat again till the evening when I went out for sushi with Caro and Tina. There I got pretty much the same thing I got last time because it is amazing food... this Chinese broccoli dish with oyster sauce and sesame seeds, sweet tofu ‘duck’ spring rolls (they were vegan) and a raw organic pressed apple & carrot juice

-After that we got late-night coffee. Of course I had a holy soy vanilla latte and then I stopped eating for the day and just smoked.

Then I got home around 9.30pm and as my sister was feeling a little depro I suggested we go for a late night jog. We did just under 15 minutes round the block, then came home and did about 20 minutes of yoga, pilates, crunches stretching to music in our sitting room. It was genuinely the best workout I have had in a while... I can still feel the burn as I type this at half past 11... but it was a good burn. Jesus, they don't lie when they say that endorphins get you high. I am buzzing. And if I do that workout every day, with my sister who gets just as tragically out of breath as I do despite weighing 105 lbs, along with the health food thing I just know I will have a good body by Christmas. It's inevitable, there's no way around it (or so I like to think). Failsafe plan? With the odd cheat day thrown in.

So yeah since my weight has gone up to about 145 or something awful because I have had several cheat days in a row I am just taking it easy on my body this weekend and sticking to vegan stuff, super foods and juices. On Monday I will probably phase some yogurt or sushi back in or something… I just want to get back to the 140 I hit a few days ago and until then things will be kept pretty strict.  Sooo my next cheat day will be my birthday (next Thursday), where I will probably let myself drink and have some sort of dinner out at a nice restaurant. I've only got 5 days until then so I want to look the best I possibly can and have a good night.

Food tomorrow: bananas, 2 super food smoothies, Nakd raw vegan bars, walnuts, lentils, raw apple & beetroot juice, granola with almond milk if I get desperate for cereal. NO DAIRY. NO MEAT. NO CIGARETTES. And exercise. I can totally do this.

(I'm also secretly hoping that if I keep going with this, I will get over Alfie, and not have to think about him/miss him so much. This evening I also started talking to my ex-girlfriend. Life is strange.)

Ninety-per-cent vegan

My boy left yesterday for America :'( He's staying there for his cousin's wedding until the 27th then he is straight off to university the following day. So it was basically goodbye. We had a lovely morning, cuddling in bed and then walking in the sun for a while. I thought I would be an emotional wreck after he left - either that, or emotionally numb, which seems to be the primary Gabby knee-jerk reaction to people leaving these days. I was OK until the evening when Tina came to get coffee with me. The verbal floodgates opened. I haven't cried or anything but I spent hours talking about how much I would miss him and how he had been such a big part of my life this summer. And no, none of my friends have clocked *just* how close we got this year - it's probably better it stays that way if I'm honest. He is gone now and I probably won't see him for at least a month, which is sad, but I can't do anything about it, so it's time to toughen up and pull myself together and move on. I hope he will still be in my life in some way several years into the future but I can't predict that, so I have to start thinking independently again, and not give it too much time in my head, because if I do, I know I'll just be devastated. Not seeing him much will be weird enough, but the fact that he will be around new girls and be starting a new life come the end of the month, will be sufficient ammunition for me to get upset. So I'm beginning a new chapter myself and treating this as an opportunity to meet some other people. None of them will be quite the same as Alfie but if I can meet someone half as decent this year, I will be happy.

Of course, as is always the case when I realise I can't control something anymore, I binged. I had dinner with Tina and when she left I just kept on eating. And yes, when it rains, it pours, and I ended up eating bowl after bowl of cereal with almond milk, guzzling orange juice, eating slabs of CHEESE for God's sake, like the fat loser I am. I think I might have eaten chorizo as well. Jesus... so much food... and animal products on top of that to boot... I just felt awful afterwards, not only psychologically but physically. I've made the decision to turn 90% vegan starting today. I say 90% because I actually think it's good for you to have a little bit of meat here and there, and some days I want some yogurt for breakfast or a little skim milk in my coffee, not to mention going out to restaurants is a hassle for everyone else if you can't eat anything on their menu. But whenever there is the option, I will go for vegan/veggie. It just makes me feel better and like I can control something that isn't detrimental to my health. I kind of like the whole vegan/hippie lifestyle thing as well. I want to start buying cruelty-free make up and stuff too because I honestly believe what you put out there in the world comes back to you, I guess I will just feel happier and have a calmer piece of mind knowing I'm not contributing to animal cruelty in some way. Not to mention it makes your skin and figure fantastic... and honestly I think my outlook on life in general changes when I eat this way. I don't feel as aggressive or frustrated, it's sort of like I can let go of trivial annoyances and just get on with what I want to do. I don't know if that makes sense to any of you. I suppose I am after a lifestyle change rather than just a change of diet.

So on another note I got fined today by the police for stubbing out a cigarette in a non-smoking area. I am so stupid. There were signs everywhere but apparently I was oblivious and too out of it to notice. This was off the back of a really successful art meeting with my teacher so it kind of put a downer on my whole day. It's a fine I cannot afford and I do not want my mum to cover/find out about, so Tina is generously bailing me out until I can pay her back. I feel awful asking for money help but she literally gets £100 in her pocket whenever she asks for it, so it's kind of disposable to her... not that that makes it OK, but at least I can pay the fine upfront and not get charged more because I can't come up with the money immediately. My parents would usually cover this but they're both broke currently and I think they'd be disappointed in me if they found out. So paying it myself it is. I'm taking this as a karmic sign to give up smoking sooner rather than later. October is national giving up smoking month or something so I will probably do it then with Tina. Ooh and that reminds me! I've been 1 month sober today. Haven't had a sip of alcohol since before my operation. Well actually that's a lie - I had a swig from Caro's hip flask the other week but I really don't think that counts as getting outrageously, unhealthily intoxicated which is what I was doing all of June and July pretty much. So I am proud of myself.

Food so far today...

I was up to 141.8 after yesterday's 140.0 which sucks but it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be so I am kind of going easy on myself today. I let myself have yogurt for breakfast, with agave, granola, cinnamon and raspberries. I had a pomegranate green tea on the way to school. Then after my little run in with the feds I bought myself a soy vanilla latte (new comfort food) and smoked a few more gratuitous/bittersweet menthols before I threw my empty pack in a clearly signposted bin. This afternoon for lunch I've had a superfood blueberry smoothie which has loads of antioxidants and vitamins in... I also had 1/2 a large avocado with balsamic, a glass of orange juice and 3 oatcakes with hoummous. So total calories today so far comes in at around 1,200. All I am having later is a coffee with Tina so I don't need to fuss too much about calories right now; it won't top 1,500. I definitely don't think I will binge as firstly, there is no food to binge on in the house and secondly, I kind of have things under control today. I think. I won't jinx that.

I've also decided that something I want to do more of this year, is travel. I am dirt poor but I have a father currently in Amsterdam who is about to move back to America. I see no reason to take full advantage of that. And the better I feel about myself, the happier I will be about putting myself out into the big wide world.

Goodbye summer

I'm feeling genuinely okay today. Not happy exactly, but not sad either... just sort of mellow I suppose. I haven't done much - a walk through the trees, some yoga, a long talk with my mother - but I've felt content being on my own for a while. My skin is completely clear; the healthy eating's paying off. I need to cut down on my smoking because I feel like it's holding me back from being as energetic as I could be. I weighed 141 this morning! Food today included yogurt, granola, banana, agave, seeds and goji berries for breakfast, some edamame and an acai & green tea drink mid-afternoon, and for dinner I had a huge piece of vegan spinach and potato pie, with an aloe vera and blueberry detox juice to end the day. I have a huge craving for coffee with almond milk so I may have that in an hour or two if the craving doesn't go away...

This morning I got my art schedule. It is very, very laid back which makes me happy, and I'm really only required for 4 afternoons' work per week, which is fantabulous. Thursday I am going in for a preliminary meeting where I will go through this term's upcoming work with my teachers. Then I can settle into some kind of a schedule and stop being such a lost acorn in the breeze :P

Alfie's leaving tomorrow, and before he does, he's coming by late morning to say goodbye. I will try not to be too heart broken as I'm sure I will see him again soon, but everything will change when he leaves. It will be time to move on from this summer and grow up, get on with the next thing. He'll be at uni with other girls and a hectic schedule so squeezing me in will probably be the last thing on his mind. I need to get myself a hectic schedule too, so that I'm not thinking about him as much, and he will be fitting in with me, not the other way round. My kneejerk reaction would usually be to go and find someone else to hook up with or whatever. I'm counting on the freshers events I'll be attending with Caro in London the week after my birthday for that. I guess I'm just not really in the mood, to be perfectly honest. I want Alfie and only Alfie at the moment and he's about to freaking move miles away so my heart is a little bit broken. I need some superglue or something.

Now that I'm getting into all this hippy vegan shiznit once again, I want to start incorporating that way of thinking into other aspects of my life. Maybe get a job in a thrift store or charity shop, or a health food place or something. I need to start looking ASAP. I went out today with my hair tied back into a massive messy half-bun with loads of long bits hanging down framing my face, I felt like the biggest hippy out. I want to meet a guy or a girl who is equally as into their smoking and smoothies as I am :( Again, counting on freshers, haha.

I want to go back to Amsterdam with my friends and my daddy and drink a ton of coffee and see beautiful people and visit beautiful places and be free again.

Very dull post, I do realise. Just a little update on my life I guess.

PS. My sister told me the other day that she lost her virginity on the first day of the month with this boy she's liked for ages. She's 15. I'm nearly 19, and it definitely doesn't look like I'm getting my cherry popped any time soon. Sigh.

The Health Nut Update

How is everyone today? I'm good... I think... although my mood is so susceptible to change these days, I really haven't a clue anymore. It's boiling hot again and I need to get out of the house to enjoy it!

Anyway I thought I'd do a little picture post on some of the foods I've been eating.

Yesterday we went to a Japanese restaurant in central for early dinner. I had a raw pressed apple and carrot juice (sooo yummy), sweet tofu skin and spring onion rolls which were basically vegetarian duck rolls, and Chinese broccoli with oyster sauce and sesame seeds. I don’t really know how many calories were in that meal I’d estimate it to be around 600 at best. It was all vegetable based:

And yes those are my arms...

We went to Costa afterwards and I had a soy vanilla latte (hallelujah):

This was a green smoothie I made with banana, spinach, cucumber, strawberry juice and pumpkin seeds

Which was delicious and so healthy it made me want to cry.

And finally a high-protein breakfast this morning - Total 0% Greek yogurt, natural granola, goji berries, pumpkin seeds, a tbsp of Whole Earth peanut butter, and agave nectar. Eventually I want to cut out dairy altogether but for now I don't think it'll do me much damage:

And obviously I am still 142 lbs this morning which is the position I was in pre-Amsterdam: maintaining, but not entirely unhappy about it. To be honest I'm rather I was maintaining here, on about 1500 calories per day (and all meaningful calories at that), than at 144+ and still trying to diet.

It struck me this morning, when I was sitting on the green next to our house in a tie-dye t-shirt and a menthol cigarette in my hand, that my birthday is in 10 days. Eek. I have no idea what I want, or what I want to do celebration-wise. I actually hate my birthday and deem it less important than all other days of the year; but everyone is nagging me about what they should get me so I guess I have to think up some things. Which sucks because all I really want is a peaceful life and a non-stressful social group and less drama and maybe some more almond milk because I am freaking in love with that stuff.

Raina passed her driving test so we may go out to celebrate tonight. I have no idea where but I assume we'll all be bundled off to some over-priced snazzy central London bar because that's the kind of place she lives. For those of you who don't know, Raina was one of Bash's best friends, so for the most part we just bond over our mourning for Bash and reminisce over old times. Raina also might become my replacement new rich best friend. Because everyone needs one of those, right? She's also totally gorgeous which raises my game a little. Whoop!

I'm going running this afternoon with my sister, too, because it's such a nice day. Nice to have some bonding time with her.

Oh and Ginger wants to cart me off to go clubbing with his famous comedienne friend at the end of the week. Which sounds rad. But I need to do something about my clothes and my figure before then. Would love to be in the 130s by Friday. Who knows, maybe it will happen.

Lots of love to you all (all 77 of you! Gosh!) <3

Reality bites

AH MAH GAD well last night was the most AWKWARD fricking dinner I have ever been to. I mean, what the frick, man? I thought our friendship group was meant to be one of those groups that never have any awkwardness. Factors that made it awkward:

1) Alfie was in a bad way and hardly said anything all night and it made the atmosphere really weird because if he's chatty then everyone's chatty
2) Tina was unusually quiet and busy as host so that offset the whole balance of things
3) Raina has no concept of awkwardness and so will just be awkward and French and not say anything
4) Caro is the most awkward person I know and was just sitting there lapping up the awkwardness and getting off on it or something

So yeah it was painful and as I always do when it's awkward, I try to fill the empty space with some kind of conversation or story or pondering of a subject. I felt like I was the only one talking. We ate one course in silence. SILENCE. What is this?! God. I'm actually so glad all of my friends are leaving to go to uni. Then I can pick and choose the ones I want to hang out with separately and not have to deal with this kind of crap.

The good side is I didn't drink a SIP of alcohol and therefore didn't binge. The bad news is dinner could practically have been considered a binge in my books. We had spinach, green beans and mushrooms which was totally healthy and fine. While we waited for food we ate bread and butter. Then the main was pasta (white pasta) with chorizo, chicken and onions... and I put a fuck ton of cheese on mine. Luckily I ate mostly the 'extra' bits and avoided the pasta. But still. Cheese! Then we had vanilla ice cream and raspberries... I mean really Gabby, what were you thinking. 'How to eat as much dairy and carbs as humanly possible in one hour'. Ugh.

This morning (or rather, afternoon, as I've woken up late) I'm a solid 142 lbs and hating it but oh well, it's better than 144.

(If I keep telling myself this, I might stop feeling like such a lardy-arse from last night's carbfest).

Fuck man. I need cigarettes and coffee.

I totally forgot to tell you guys about seeing Ginger. We actually had a really good time! There was no initial awkwardness whatsoever... and Jesus, having spent so much time with Alfie this summer, it really struck me how chilled out he is in comparison. Like, I used to think he was absolutely precious, and constantly trying to guilt trip me or whatever, but I was amazed at how much my mood lifted after we'd hung out. Whenever I spend time with Alfie... it's always really intense and emotional in some way and usually leaves me feeling emotionally drained. It never used to be like that. I used to get that chill-out vibe from hanging out with him. But I guess that was before all the intense intimacy stuff happened between us. Sigh. Anyway. Me and G got frappuccinos and went to mong in the sun on my local green. Played music, had a bit of a chain smoke and a catch-up. Oh that's another thing, he doesn't berate me for smoking like Alfie does. Which is really fucking refreshing.

Now I know we can hang out and not automatically get off I will definitely be seeing more of him over the next year. He might try to help me get a part-time job or something because he is older than me and knows the system a bit better. Meanwhile he is a struggling thespian trying to either a) get on a good drama course or b) be adopted as a protégé by an up and coming Hollywood director. Haha. Anyway, he's mellowed out a lot so it's all good. And we might start running together. I need to get some running shoes though.

So today the plan is: get out of bed. Have a shower (a hot one, that hits all the mosquito bites I'm covered in from Amsterdam). Cover that dreadful spot on my chin as artfully as possible. Put on some clothes I haven't worn already this week. Get out of the house. Go meet Tina and Caro for Japanese food (sushi - yum!). I can count on them for non-awkwardness seeing as I spent a week on holiday with the two of them and our vibe is just fine. Oh and I need to find a way of navigating myself to a nearby Costa or Starbucks for a vanilla latte. Because those things are positively godly.

Food so far today: protein smoothie made from 1 small banana, 1 cup unsweetened almond milk and a handful of pumpkin seeds. Bottled green tea with honey and lemon. And half a chickpea salad. Ugh that's already quite a lot of food. But if I just get something small at this Japanese place and drink my weight in water maybe it will balance out and I can get back to 141 by tomorrow.

Lastly - welcome new followers! I can't believe I have 75 people wanting to actually read this shit, it still mind-boggles me.

Apologies for all the swearing. Peace!

Sunny sunny Saturday

I feel so much brighter today. I talked to Bash last night... and Tina came to visit me... and I just spent a really long lazy morning with Alfie lying on the sitting room rug watching TV and kissing... so I am cheered up. On top of all that good stuff, I drank an epic raw green smoothie this morning (1 small banana, 1/2 cup organic apple juice, 1/3 bag baby spinach, 1/3 cucumber) which made me feel like some sort of vegan super-heroine, and when I weighed at 11am I was 141.8. The weight is falling back off! Thank the lordy.

What am I doing this afternoon? Well, I'm off in about ten minutes to walk down to Starbucks, where I will meet Ginger... anyone remember him? (JAOG, you'll remember him as 'G' from my last blog - the dude I kissed a few times but didn't feel anything for... it was all very teenage angsty dramama-type stuff). Anyway, I'm scared he is going to leap on me; I haven't seen him in months. I should never have told him I was in London this year because he is too... anyway... if he makes any moves on me I'll just be like, 'Down boy'. Haha. It'll be nice to have at least one guy friend here next year, I guess. He'll pretty much do anything for me so I shall use that to my advantage.

Then straight after that I'm headed to the gorgeous Tina's for dinner. Caro, Raina and Alfie will be there... it will just be nice and chill. I might have a drink but I don't know, I've gone a while without alcohol and I don't really feel like I need it anymore to have a good time. Plus I am sticking to my health kick guns so I will just see how it plays out. (Is there any point in drinking, really, if I am just going to overeat afterwards? ...Nope, didn't think so.)

OK well I'm off for a skinny soy vanilla latte now, because that's how I roll.

Missed you all lots and will comment on posts soon!

Wounded Bird syndrome

*Sigh* Well I got back from Amsterdam late on Wednesday night, and yesterday I sort of had a monging out day because I was so tired from travelling and all the walking we'd done around the city. Today will probably turn out to be another mong day which I'm not so happy about but I literally don't have the energy to get up and go out especially not in this weather... so mong day it is.

Amsterdam was... fabulous. I can't tell you how peaceful I felt out there. Every morning we would roll out of crisp white sheets dowsed in light from these huge windows... then we'd make ourselves cups of coffee and grab a packet of menthol cigarettes and go smoke on the roof garden for about an hour. The conversations never ran out. We didn't get sick of each other. We didn't fall down any steep flights of stairs. No one got pissed off. My dad took us out for dinner a couple of nights to some really cool places but for the most part we were left to our own devices and could pretty much do whatever we wanted... it was heaven.

Now that I'm back in London I seem to be suffering some sort of withdrawal from it all and feel very sad. I had a lot of energy on holiday, probably because the week before I'd charged my body up with a ton of superfoods, and now I'm paying for my bad habits in Amsterdam (sugar, followed by caffeine, followed by nicotine, followed by more nicotine, followed by some weed, and then more caffeine). It just goes to show that what you eat really does affect how you feel and how much you can do. I am 144 lbs today... not excellent but I really did eat a lot and in all honesty I should weigh more. I ate so much on some of those days, and on the last day we had Mcdonalds at the airport :/ So 144 is pretty lucky in my opinion, and I normally gain a LOT more than 2 lbs on holiday.

Today I'm back to the health freak diet... had my standard Total 0% natural yogurt with granola, apple and cinnamon for breakfast, a bottle of "Healthy" water, and lunch was a Siesta carob bar with an organic green tea & acai drink. I have to force myself out of the house later, not because I want to see the light of day any time soon, but because I need to buy some bananas and spinach for a green smoothie... and some vanilla almond milk. Because I want coffee but I don't want to use regular milk. I smoked a LOT on holiday (20+ per day) which is slightly sickening, so instead of cutting them out altogether which would just make me ill, I'm curtailing my nicotine consumption at 5 cigarettes per day max. Also completely cutting diet coke, because that stuff does me no favours. I don't even like it anymore and it lowers your immune system.

Things I learnt when I was in Amsterdam:
-I'm bored of feeling wired then crashing... I'd rather have a consistency in my energy than be manically jittery and hyper one hour, then utterly depressed the next. I'm actually kind of disenchanted with the whole thing.
-I can go a month without alcohol and not miss it whatsoever.
-I apparently have 'wounded bird syndrome', according to my father.
-Caro and Tina are definitely two individuals I could exist quite happily alongside for long periods of time without getting sick of them or needing masses of alone time... which is highly unusual for me.
-I want to make films more than anything in the world.

To elaborate on that third point regarding wounded birds: my dad pointed out, over an expensive lunch of goats cheese & honey ciabbatas and coffee, that I need to stop trying to save everyone. I tried to save Charlie: that one backfired massively and we still aren't speaking. Rebecca was like a lost child that I tried to rescue but the minute she built up enough ammunition she just threw it back in my face. Before Rebecca there was another. And currently, something else that's going on and getting me down, is that Alfie's in a bad place with his family and whenever I try to offer my support or try to be there for him, he just shuts me out and gets frustrated with me. It's a vicious cycle because I get frustrated back because I can't do anything to help and then we end up having these stupid petty arguments. I hate arguing with people I care about, but sometimes he's such a martyr about it, and wants to suffer in silence yet rope all his friends into it and get them to feel sorry for him and it pisses me off. There's also this nagging sense in the back of both our minds that he is leaving in 4 days and that isn't easy either.

I can't even be fucked with the whole boyfriend thing anymore. It's just annoying me now. I can't believe I thought a boy would be less complicated... if anything they're worse than girls.

The school still needs to send me my art schedule because I haven't a clue what I'm doing with that one... school started two days ago and I'm completely out of the loop, so that's all a bit worrying. Because until I know when my art classes are and how much they want me to be in, I can't plan anything else that I want to do (courses, work experience, etc.) or know how much free time I have. So that's getting on my nerves.

Argh.

Sorry if this post sounds really pissy. I'm just feeling a little lonely and lost now I'm away from the peace I found in Amsterdam. I'm hoping once I get my school schedule I'll be able to make a few solid plans and start feeling like myself again. One good thing is that I'm invited to a few of my friends' freshers so I will have some parties coming up. That's always nice.